Help with wedding info

[pickles]

Well, wonderful news my daughter is engaged to a very good christian man.
We are in the early stages of planning. The invite list is going to be a challange.
This is the difficult part. First, I always inderstood that the invites were divided up = 1/3 bride=1/3 groom=1/3 the couples friends.
Also I cannot get it through my daughters head that you always have more invited than come to the wedding and that some invitations are simply a sign of respect.
My daughter and her fiance are teachers in their church.
They feel the church friends come first, family second.
I made a offer of an extra reception for the church so that all could celibrate.
Thier church holds only three hundred.
She feels that the family and few other friends could just have the extra reception.
I tried to explain that you cannot do that to family.
She is a very loving person but can be very hard headed.
After meeting the grooms mom I can see that this is a real issue for them also.
In fact today I was called by close relitives that want to through a bridal shower for her and was heartbroken that these very relitives are not to be invited by her.
She holds all the guest list and has only given us and the grooms parents what is left over.
Im already worried because she has hurt her own sisters by breaking promises to them.
I am going to talk to the grooms mom about this in hope that both my husband and his dad will speak to him. Then hopefully he will agree and speak to my daughter.
If any of you have good advice please help. Prayers would be greatly appretieated.
And yes we are paying for most if not all the wedding.
Thankyou for any help, God bless, pickles
PS yes I know how carefull we have to be, it is her wedding but it is the grooms and the parents also.

 

[MahogonySnail]

I think weddings are about family. What your daughter is thinking is wrong IMO. Usually the friends are involved by being the best man , groomsmen, bridesmaids etc, and usually only close friends are invited or life-long friends and friends of the family. I've been to about 50+ weddings as I used to work in them and recently a couple of my friends were married. The family has always come first before the friends I've never seen it done any other way. PS. 300 people is huge , too large IMO.

 

[pickles]

Thanks Mahogony, both families are large. So that in itself is one hurdle. I think our best aproach is in the word with her.
Just pray that all is done with love and understanding in agreement.
I still have four more to go through this with.
Now is a time for some serious grace.
Smiles and God bless, pickles

 

[MahogonySnail]

PS. Since you are paying for it, I think you can put your foot down a little .

 

[greatkraw]

Thanks Mahogony, both families are large. So that in itself is one hurdle. I think our best aproach is in the word with her.
Just pray that all is done with love and understanding in agreement.
I still have four more to go through this with.
Now is a time for some serious grace.
Smiles and God bless, pickles

Its gonna be tough Pickles, she has probly seen too many brides mothers take over and the brides unhappy. And you are not her natural mother.(sorry)

 

[forgivenandloved]

Well, wonderful news my daughter is engaged to a very good christian man.
We are in the early stages of planning. The invite list is going to be a challange.
This is the difficult part. First, I always inderstood that the invites were divided up = 1/3 bride=1/3 groom=1/3 the couples friends.
Also I cannot get it through my daughters head that you always have more invited than come to the wedding and that some invitations are simply a sign of respect.
My daughter and her fiance are teachers in their church.
They feel the church friends come first, family second.
I made a offer of an extra reception for the church so that all could celibrate.
Thier church holds only three hundred.
She feels that the family and few other friends could just have the extra reception.
I tried to explain that you cannot do that to family.
She is a very loving person but can be very hard headed.
After meeting the grooms mom I can see that this is a real issue for them also.
In fact today I was called by close relitives that want to through a bridal shower for her and was heartbroken that these very relitives are not to be invited by her.
She holds all the guest list and has only given us and the grooms parents what is left over.
Im already worried because she has hurt her own sisters by breaking promises to them.
I am going to talk to the grooms mom about this in hope that both my husband and his dad will speak to him. Then hopefully he will agree and speak to my daughter.
If any of you have good advice please help. Prayers would be greatly appretieated.
And yes we are paying for most if not all the wedding.
Thankyou for any help, God bless, pickles
PS yes I know how carefull we have to be, it is her wedding but it is the grooms and the parents also.

is she closer to her church friends than her familY?

 

[pickles]

Its gonna be tough Pickles, she has probly seen too many brides mothers take over and the brides unhappy. And you are not her natural mother.(sorry)

Hi greatkraw, umm, I am her natural mom. But thankyou anyway.
Smiles and God bless, pickles

 

[pickles]

is she closer to her church friends than her familY?

I dont think so. She and her fiance are just leaders in their church and feeling obligated Im sure.
She has all say in everything. All we are concerned with is the close family that she is setting aside.
Our comprimise is to have a separate reseption for her church family. A much easyer solution and alot less hurt feelings.
Just pray we can work this out without hurt feelings.
Thankyou and God bless, pickles

 

[forgivenandloved]

Oh okay. Well, I pray everything works out okay. Sadly, either way it seems like someone's feelings will be hurt. The church friends being "left out or close family being "left "out"

 

[MahogonySnail]

pickles: option c),. pack up your things and go on a nice holiday somewhere exotic then send a postcard to your daughter after the wedding.

I hope my humor is not too brash.

 

[pickles]

pickles: option c),. pack up your things and go on a nice holiday somewhere exotic then send a postcard to your daughter after the wedding.

I hope my humor is not too brash.

Not at all. My husband suggested the same thing. We also offered our daughter and her fiance money to elope. If Life could be so easy.
Well hopefully we will work out the snags on this wedding and the next ones will be easyer.
And I thought it would get easyer as they got older. foolish me.
aaahhh to dream.
Smiles and God bless, pickles

 

[greatkraw]

Hi greatkraw, umm, I am her natural mom. But thankyou anyway.
Smiles and God bless, pickles

sorry, why did i think i saw the word STEP

 

[Belgian_Pilot]

Pickels,

Congratz anyway!!!!

 

[Wootie]

I feel for you in this situation, but like you said--alot of invitations are sent--few come. I bet everyone would be able to attend at the original services without a problem. I feel the need to let them know that everyone they know is as important as the other, and should not be separated into shifts. Rent a larger building and bring everyone at one time- it will cut down on alot of headaches and hurt feelings.

 

[Raeshelle]

If I was her, I would let the church family know that there is limited space and therefore she have to place family first and let the church family know that she will have a reception just for them at a later date and she will wear her wedding dress so if anyone would like pics they can take them then. I would think that would make the church family know she really is concerned about them and feel very special that she is taking this effort to include them .
Just a thought, but I think it would work .

 

[nanabean]

If I was her, I would let the church family know that there is limited space and therefore she have to place family first and let the church family know that she will have a reception just for them at a later date and she will wear her wedding dress so if anyone would like pics they can take them then. I would think that would make the church family know she really is concerned about them and feel very special that she is taking this effort to include them .
Just a thought, but I think it would work .

I love, love, LOVE this suggestion!!... It is thoughtful, and kind, solves LOTS of probs, and plus..think of it! she would get to wear her wedding gown TWICE!! how fun would THAT be???

 

[Graybeard]

Very difficult, I had the same experience with my sons wedding last year, in the end I discussed it with my wife and said that it is their wedding after all...we let them have their way much to our and the brides parents hurt, we have to understand that times and traditions have changed. We could have "put our foot down" but that would only cause strife and bitterness. They are our kids and we thought we would try and make it what they so desired.
Believe me there where times I wanted to tell them to do what they want and I don't want any part of it...but where would that get me?... absolutely nowhere except years of bitterness, it's a hard pill to swallow but in the end was the best decision. They where happy and that to me was the main thing even if we did not agree, their memories of their wedding day is most important.
Rather take the pill and have a good relationship with both of them for the future for their sakes.
Don't regret later what you should have/could have done.

 

[loveschild]

Whose paying for it?

 

[pickles]

If I was her, I would let the church family know that there is limited space and therefore she have to place family first and let the church family know that she will have a reception just for them at a later date and she will wear her wedding dress so if anyone would like pics they can take them then. I would think that would make the church family know she really is concerned about them and feel very special that she is taking this effort to include them .
Just a thought, but I think it would work .

Actually this was our suggestion to them, she wanted to do this with relitives instead. I understand why she wants her wedding as she does, but she has not lived long enough to see the long term effects of these desissions. Just tryng to save her from future hurt and embarresment.
The other part is the hurt and embaressment that she is causing both us and his parents.
Since his family are members of the same church I wonder if talking to his mom about asking the church to understand our dilema.
Thankyou and God bless, pickles

 

[pickles]

Whose paying for it?

We are.
So I think we have a say. the frustrating part is its only at most another ten or twenty invites that will probably not come. Its more about showing these people that they are loved and invited.
For some reason she dosnt get that all invited do not come.
My sister told me yesterday that she did the same to my mom. She would not listen to her advise.
So my mom wrote out her own invites and sent them anyway.
Only two showed out of the ten and my sister said she is so glad that my mom did this as she sees now how much hurt and embaresment my mom saved her.
So we will see.
Thankyou all so much for your support and ideas.
God bless, pickles