Help Needed for my sinking marriage

[truefriend28]

Hello My dear Christian friends,

I have been married since last 8 months. But inspite of being happy as a newly wed I'm depressed and clueless. My husband has few habits which I'm not able to understand why he behaves that way. He comes from office and start playing games on his mobile or start surfing the net or do some social networking. If not the mobile then he opens the laptop and start watching movies. On weekends also he stays home but doesnt bother to spend time with me or go out with me, instead he keeps watching TV whole day and in the evening he goes out with his friends. He never takes me out for dinner. We never go out to travel anywhere. In the last 8 months he has never asked me out.

He never shows willingness to drop me to the office if he is free. But if any of his friends call him any time a day or night he immediately goes to any place. He never hesitates to give money to his friends even though we've financial crisis. We have not gone on honeymoon yet. And he is not even planning for it. He always cancels the going on his office trips whenever he has to take me with him saying that we'll not be able to get along in front of his office mates.

Whenever I'm sick he only says please take care of yourself. He never takes me to doctor unless I ask him to take me, till then he doesn't even bother.

For all small small matters he asks his mother. He expects me to accept all decisions he and his mother takes whether it is buying grocery or going somewhere or eating out. He doesn't help me in household work. I do everything e.g. cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, doing the dishes. I'm not a housewife. I am a software engineer and I too work 10hrs a day but because his mother doesn't like him working for household work, he doesn't do anything.

I feel lonely and ignored. I don't understand my husband's such behavior towards me. It's not like we've got married due to our parents. We both chose eachother and then got married. Please help me.

Thanks.

 

[levi85]

You can speak all these things clearly to him and bring to his notice. He is your husband he should know your likes and dislikes. If you don't tell him he may not understand. You can in simple language tell him, he is a responsible person and should not act as a childish way.

We pray God bless you in this and every effort of your bring success.

God bless!

 

[Joidevivre]

Did you live with him before you married? Sometimes that does not help.

Or if he has lived alone, all of a sudden he is a position where a husband's role is required of him, and he really doesn't feel ready to assume this. Or he is afraid of it. Or he feels it is a burden. Sounds like he is escaping in many ways.

Counseling would help you both greatly. Please look into it. This is more than you can handle alone.

 

[Angela53510]

It sounds like you have a selfish mama's boy on your hands. If he listens to his mom over you, then you have big issues. Even if that is cultural, it is not right. God meant for a man to leave his mother and cleave to his wife.

I suggest you both need marriage counseling. And I wouldn't do the housework. Tell him you work too, and you are not going to do everything. If he doesn't like it, he can learn to help out.

You have a very hard road of you, I can tell. Please cling to Jesus, and I know he will help you and guide you, in this marriage that does not seem much like a marriage, IMHO.

 

[VioletReigns]

Hello My dear Christian friends,

I have been married since last 8 months. But inspite of being happy as a newly wed I'm depressed and clueless. My husband has few habits which I'm not able to understand why he behaves that way. He comes from office and start playing games on his mobile or start surfing the net or do some social networking. If not the mobile then he opens the laptop and start watching movies. On weekends also he stays home but doesnt bother to spend time with me or go out with me, instead he keeps watching TV whole day and in the evening he goes out with his friends. He never takes me out for dinner. We never go out to travel anywhere. In the last 8 months he has never asked me out.

He never shows willingness to drop me to the office if he is free. But if any of his friends call him any time a day or night he immediately goes to any place. He never hesitates to give money to his friends even though we've financial crisis. We have not gone on honeymoon yet. And he is not even planning for it. He always cancels the going on his office trips whenever he has to take me with him saying that we'll not be able to get along in front of his office mates.

Whenever I'm sick he only says please take care of yourself. He never takes me to doctor unless I ask him to take me, till then he doesn't even bother.

For all small small matters he asks his mother. He expects me to accept all decisions he and his mother takes whether it is buying grocery or going somewhere or eating out. He doesn't help me in household work. I do everything e.g. cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, doing the dishes. I'm not a housewife. I am a software engineer and I too work 10hrs a day but because his mother doesn't like him working for household work, he doesn't do anything.

I feel lonely and ignored. I don't understand my husband's such behavior towards me. It's not like we've got married due to our parents. We both chose eachother and then got married. Please help me.

Thanks.

I would normally advise professional godly counseling but I don't know if that's available to you. Does your church offer that? I am not familiar with the culture in India, I'm sorry. Was this an arranged marriage?

Your mother-in-law is absolutely interfering. She's making it an unhealthy situation for sure. She needs to let go of her son because the Bible tells us that the man is to leave his family and cling to his wife. YOU are his family now. Your husband needs to grow up emotionally and accept that. Is he a Christian?

I'd also like to ask: Where are your mother and father? Do they live near you? Do you have brothers? Or other relatives who can stand with you for emotional support? Perhaps your parents can arrange a get-together and invite his parents and relatives. Let them see how his mother acts around her son, so everyone will be a witness if she tries to manipulate and control her son. Then there can be a meeting and discuss how to resolve it. Because it is wrong for your mother-in-law to continue doing that.

Plus your father and brothers could talk to your husband and remind him that he needs to stop being a mama's boy, stop acting like a child and start being a devoted husband.

Father God, help our sister and give her wisdom in how to get this situation right. We pray You comfort her heart and renew her mind, let her know You as her Tower of Strength. Surround her with those who love and support her and may this marriage be blessed and made strong in love and kindness. In Jesus' name we pray! Thank You, God!!

 

[blue_ladybug]

I agree with Angela. Your husband is definitely a mama's boy. :/ Try telling him that you feel ignored by him. Sounds like he gives his mama alot more attention than he gives you.

 

[Galahad]

Hello My dear Christian friends,

I have been married since last 8 months. But inspite of being happy as a newly wed I'm depressed and clueless. My husband has few habits which I'm not able to understand why he behaves that way. He comes from office and start playing games on his mobile or start surfing the net or do some social networking. If not the mobile then he opens the laptop and start watching movies. On weekends also he stays home but doesnt bother to spend time with me or go out with me, instead he keeps watching TV whole day and in the evening he goes out with his friends. He never takes me out for dinner. We never go out to travel anywhere. In the last 8 months he has never asked me out.

He never shows willingness to drop me to the office if he is free. But if any of his friends call him any time a day or night he immediately goes to any place. He never hesitates to give money to his friends even though we've financial crisis. We have not gone on honeymoon yet. And he is not even planning for it. He always cancels the going on his office trips whenever he has to take me with him saying that we'll not be able to get along in front of his office mates.

Whenever I'm sick he only says please take care of yourself. He never takes me to doctor unless I ask him to take me, till then he doesn't even bother.

For all small small matters he asks his mother. He expects me to accept all decisions he and his mother takes whether it is buying grocery or going somewhere or eating out. He doesn't help me in household work. I do everything e.g. cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, doing the dishes. I'm not a housewife. I am a software engineer and I too work 10hrs a day but because his mother doesn't like him working for household work, he doesn't do anything.

I feel lonely and ignored. I don't understand my husband's such behavior towards me. It's not like we've got married due to our parents. We both chose eachother and then got married. Please help me.

Thanks.

I think maybe his background and culture are at play here. Men in India are the respected ones. Not women. Is this not true?
Women have not had protection as men have had. The reports of women being burned with acid. Raped. What's needed is a widespread fundamental change in people's thinking. Perhaps there is some change there in India.

Sounds like your husband may be treating you according to what he has seen and heard throughout his life. Women in many parts of the world are treated as second class.

You are a human being. You are created in the image of God. You are loved and most precious in God's sight. You are not less than your husband. You are not property.

Respect your husband. Do as much as you can physically without becoming exhausted. Show him love. Show him you love God. Teach him by example.

In discussions with him affirm that you are not a doormat. You are not a slave. Affirm you will support him and help him. But you are not any less human.

Will pray for you.

 

[atwhatcost]

Hello My dear Christian friends,

I have been married since last 8 months. But inspite of being happy as a newly wed I'm depressed and clueless. My husband has few habits which I'm not able to understand why he behaves that way. He comes from office and start playing games on his mobile or start surfing the net or do some social networking. If not the mobile then he opens the laptop and start watching movies. On weekends also he stays home but doesnt bother to spend time with me or go out with me, instead he keeps watching TV whole day and in the evening he goes out with his friends. He never takes me out for dinner. We never go out to travel anywhere. In the last 8 months he has never asked me out.

He never shows willingness to drop me to the office if he is free. But if any of his friends call him any time a day or night he immediately goes to any place. He never hesitates to give money to his friends even though we've financial crisis. We have not gone on honeymoon yet. And he is not even planning for it. He always cancels the going on his office trips whenever he has to take me with him saying that we'll not be able to get along in front of his office mates.

Whenever I'm sick he only says please take care of yourself. He never takes me to doctor unless I ask him to take me, till then he doesn't even bother.

For all small small matters he asks his mother. He expects me to accept all decisions he and his mother takes whether it is buying grocery or going somewhere or eating out. He doesn't help me in household work. I do everything e.g. cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, doing the dishes. I'm not a housewife. I am a software engineer and I too work 10hrs a day but because his mother doesn't like him working for household work, he doesn't do anything.

I feel lonely and ignored. I don't understand my husband's such behavior towards me. It's not like we've got married due to our parents. We both chose eachother and then got married. Please help me.

Thanks.

One of the big advantage women have over men is when we ask a guy a question, they're usually straight forward and answer. (Unlike many women who seem to think a look or telepathy ought to be the way their guys are supposed to know what they're thinking.)

So, want to know why he's like that? Ask him. Then tell him what you're thinking and then ask for what he thinks about what you're thinking.

Sometimes there are disadvantages to marrying guys, but it's not a big disadvantage. Mostly I notice if left alone, they tend to do what they want, sometimes completely forgetting they have a wife. So, that's when we step in and simply tell them what we want. Then it's open to negotiation.

This is what marriage is. Time to deal with it. You don't have to telepathically try to understand your hubby. Asking works.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Momma's boys need godly helpmeets TOO. The OP doesn't say her husband is a Christian or not. I do not think either of them are innocent regarding "wrong expectations" regarding the other, now they are married. I am guessing that since the husband is going to the mother for leadership... he neither knows he should lead, how to lead, and likely is confused about why the woman he married isn't doing her part to function the marriage.<br><br>You can TRY talking about it, probably help to be clear about identifying each unrealistic expectation... the mom can be a problem that works for you or against you.... better pray that thru.

 

[truefriend28]

Thank you very much everybody. May God bless you all. Please keep me and my husband in your prayers too. Because I love my husband very much and I want to spend a happy and healthy married life with him. May Lord Jesus become our mediator and guide us in this situation.
Please keep praying for me. I need it.
Thank you.

 

[truefriend28]

Yes, in India also we have marriage counselling in the church. And mine was a love cum arranged marriage. We both have chosen each other and then we told our parents and after everybody agreed we got married. He is a Christian guy. But I don't know after marriage he was totally a different person whom I knew before marriage. One day I asked him what are his thoughts about marriage then he said we both shouldn't interrupt each other's lives. That was really shocking for me. I was broken when he said so.

My parents and relatives live in a different city. So I meet them very rarely. I don't have friends or relatives in the city where I live with my husband. That's the reason I feel lonely over there. And my husband doesn't realize this.

 

[atwhatcost]

Yes, in India also we have marriage counselling in the church. And mine was a love cum arranged marriage. We both have chosen each other and then we told our parents and after everybody agreed we got married. He is a Christian guy. But I don't know after marriage he was totally a different person whom I knew before marriage. One day I asked him what are his thoughts about marriage then he said we both shouldn't interrupt each other's lives. That was really shocking for me. I was broken when he said so.

My parents and relatives live in a different city. So I meet them very rarely. I don't have friends or relatives in the city where I live with my husband. That's the reason I feel lonely over there. And my husband doesn't realize this.

Yeah, I get that. Had my hubby said that to me, that's simply not going to work. So he told you his position. Isn't it time for you to tell him your position? You two will be needing a compromise in this. I do get everyone needs some time to do their own thing, but not all the time. So start working out how much us-time you want and let him know.

 

[truefriend28]

Well, there is a one more twist in my life now. My husband had hidden his relations with his ex-girlfriend till now. I came to know day before yesterday when I accidentally saw messages in his cellphone. He was also going to meet her that day without my knowledge. And when I confronted him he admitted everything. This is the third time I had caught him talking to her. He is been cheating on me since this many months. Now I know the reason of his ignorant behavior towards me. He and I had agreed to get married on the basis that he'll not keep any sort of relation or communication with her but he failed to keep that promise. So I guess this is the end of our marriage. I'm all broken and shattered.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need it the most now.

 

[blondieindahouse]

Eight months married and cheating? Hmmm, well I found this for you. Prayerfully decide :

Sexual immorality or adultery that is unrepentant and ongoing is reasonable before God’s eyes for permitting a divorce. Jesus said that, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife [and husband of course], except for sexual immorality, makes her [or him] the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matt 5:37. 19:9). Adultery is breaking a serious commandment (Ex 20:14). But if the adultery and sexual immorality committed by the sinning spouse stops and they repent, then there should be every chance given to the person to forgive them (Mark 11:25, Luke 6:27-28). God is all about forgiveness and we are told to forgive our brother or sister when they fall and want to be restored.
Divorce is a last resort but if there is no other choice and adultery persists with no signs of remorse, repentance, or change, then divorce is permitted. God hates divorce but He would not expect a married person to remain married to a spouse that remains in an adulterous situation. It is hoped that there is always room for repentance, counseling, and reconciliation – but if it doesn’t occur, and sexual sins outside of marriage persist, the victim of such a marriage is not bound by the law and God would not call that sin.

 

[zoii]

@truefriend28
If you challenged him as some here suggest, such as not doing his share of housework etc, would he respond with aggression?

 

[pwrnJC]

You're all 'broken and shattered"? GIrl, you can now rejoice. He has finally 'fessed up and now you have all good reason to leave him, let he and his mom and past girlfriend have a happy life together and you can move on and find absolution to this silly arrangement that you two called 'marriage'. Why stay in this mess? HE has shown that he is not responsible in so many ways and now you ventilate here in this forum. Do something about it NOW or it will only get worse. If he loves you truely, he will beg or plead or try to save your marriage. If he doesn't, you already know the honest answer. RUN NOW while you can before children get involved in this silly scenario. GOD bless you as you step into a new life, without this poor excuse of a spouse. You have nothing to be ashamed of!

 

[atwhatcost]

Well, there is a one more twist in my life now. My husband had hidden his relations with his ex-girlfriend till now. I came to know day before yesterday when I accidentally saw messages in his cellphone. He was also going to meet her that day without my knowledge. And when I confronted him he admitted everything. This is the third time I had caught him talking to her. He is been cheating on me since this many months. Now I know the reason of his ignorant behavior towards me. He and I had agreed to get married on the basis that he'll not keep any sort of relation or communication with her but he failed to keep that promise. So I guess this is the end of our marriage. I'm all broken and shattered.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need it the most now.

Biblically speaking, you have all rights to get the marriage annulled. This was never a marriage and he cheated on you.

I rarely tell anyone to get a divorce, but you haven't even gotten that far. Get it annulled. You may love him, but he never loved you. You can't make him love you, so get out while you can quickly.

 

[Peacefulwife]

A man is suppose to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Bring it to his attention. Maybe he dosent know. But if he does then that's a different issue! You must keep praying that God would deal with him and speak up on your behalf. He will do it if you ask! But until then remain humble at heart and action and watch God work to strengthen your faith!

 

[Jesus4ever]

I´m deeply sorry for what you´re facing, sister.

I´ll pray for you!

 

[truefriend28]

I have moved to my parent's house. Day before yesterday he called me and apologized and assured me that he won't repeat this thing again. But the question I have in my mind is, he has broken the "base" of our marriage that he'll not keep any sort of communication with her, and still he kept on doing so behind my back, then how can I trust his words again? When I told him that your words are just not enough then he replied angrily, I already apologized now should I hang myself? If you have trust on me then you can come back else I'll tell your father to keep you with him until you have trust on me. He also got angry that since the day I have moved here I haven't called his mother and asked about her health as she is not keeping well. He asked me to behave well with his mother though we have some issues.

I'm confused, should I forgive him and go back? Or should I stay with my parents? I don't know.