how do i say no?

secularhermit · Aug 1, 2015

Hi!

I´m not your family... I wish you could HELP ME... I´m not sure WHEN I can repay you but, I need money...

Later on, I will send my bank account number... You know what is lacking money (and having no one to help)

Please, help me! I need money (and more bla, bla, bla)

I beg you to help me. sister.

I can send, also, my pay pal account number, please, please, please... Allow me to borrow some money from you: I´m your BLOOD who is dying from cancer and AIDS... Please, help! I have no one else BUT YOU.

wHERE THE MONEY?

Won´t you say YES to what you´re saying no?

I hate you!

You´re NOT my family anymore.

Disclaimer:

I hope you ALWAYS say no to me: I am a scam (and a type of scum)

shineyourlight · Aug 1, 2015

lihle said:

Lihle, there's a really good book called Boundaries. I highly recommend it for your library. It helps you know what boundaries are, helps you realize that saying "no" to set up boundaries isn't mean or rude, and goes more in depth on what kind of boundaries you should be setting. I'm reading it right now (along with 3 others books, haha).....BUT, it is something I think you'd benefit from

Let me know! I can send you a copy

NewWine · Aug 1, 2015

Here is what my mom did when we were poor as a church mouse and asked for money for food.....she never wanted the burden of repayment on us or her, so instead of money, she bought us food. After a while we were able to pay it forward instead of repaying her, which she never accepted anyways. Perhaps, instead of buying them food, when they come to you for money for food for their children, you could say I have no extra money, but you're welcome to bring the children over for a meal.
If they say they are being evicted, don't give money but tell them if they are evicted you can offer them a place to stay (crowded as it may become). Then sit down and help them figure a budget so they WILL help you with the costs until they figure it out (if it even comes to that point).

They will eventually get the hint that money won't be given but care will. If they are giving you false reasons to need the money that will end too, because it won't benefit them to do that anymore. If it ever does come down to them really needing the money to pay rent or an electric bill or whatever, don't give the money directly to them, take it to the person owed and pay them directly, this way your family never touched the cash. If you offer a check, write it directly to the person owed, this way your family can't cash it otherwise.

I am only offering this as suggestions, not answers, you have to find what works for you. Get creative, the answer is out there.

Pray for your family, and for yourself for guidance, protection and mostly peace. I will pray for you.
Peace!

atwhatcost · Aug 2, 2015

lihle said:

I know. My brother makes over six-figures a year, yet couldn't afford to help us when we were about to lose our house and hubby was on chemo. Then again, none of my siblings have ever asked me for money ever since they heard I was asking for money. That's why I suggested you go first. You won't get any money (probably), but they won't ask again.

atwhatcost · Aug 2, 2015

lihle said:

Does South Africa have food banks? (Just in case your country doesn't, a food bank is a place where people can go to pick up food when they have no money. Here we don't even ask for proof of income before letting them pick up their free groceries.) If you don't know, maybe you can google "South Africa food banks." If there are no food banks, does your country have programs to help the poor? Africa, in general, is one of the biggest places people give charity to. I just don't know how the charity giving is handled, since South Africa is one of the richer countries in your continent. (Hard to believe, isn't it? lol) But, if you do some research in your country, I'm sure you can send your siblings to the right charity to get what they need. Then all they have to learn is the difference between need and want.

If they are thankful for your help, that lets you know they really needed it. If they get angry with you, that lets you know they're using you. You're then not turning your back on them, even if they turn their backs on you. You've done what you can.

And, I'm not suggesting never give siblings money. I'd give that rich brother some money if he needs it. (Only what I can afford.) Family should stick together. But give what you can, not all of it. And give. Don't loan. That way it can't eat you alive as you see all that money that could have been used for you or your kids. And never all of it -- just what you can afford to lose.

atwhatcost · Aug 2, 2015

blue_ladybug said:

Where did you learn they all have high-paying jobs?

atwhatcost · Aug 2, 2015

shineyourlight said:

Lihle, there's a really good book called Boundaries. I highly recommend it for your library. It helps you know what boundaries are, helps you realize that saying "no" to set up boundaries isn't mean or rude, and goes more in depth on what kind of boundaries you should be setting. I'm reading it right now (along with 3 others books, haha).....BUT, it is something I think you'd benefit from

Let me know! I can send you a copy

I'm not sure I'd trust a book to tell me family is out of bounds.

presidente · Aug 2, 2015

Ugly said:

I wouldn't recommend taking your siblings to court, but if you did get legal papers, you could have them put a mortgage or lien on their car or house. That might at least make them want to pay you back soon.

shineyourlight · Aug 2, 2015

atwhatcost said:

That's not what the book is talking about....at all.

pwrnJC · Aug 3, 2015

Next time one of your siblings ask for money, take a look around in all directions, as if you are seeking for something and then reply "Oh, I'm sorry, you have mistaken me for a fool who throws money to the wind, never expecting it to return". "Nuff Said".

lihle · Aug 3, 2015

I don't think we have a food bank, anyway my siblings have good jobs the other is working for the sdefence force and the other for an insurance company and me I was working for a retail company before I gave that job to further my studies. Now I only work part-time as a career making even less money done before. Yes there are a lot of charity organisation but they work with the poor, so my siblings wouldn't even access those services. I'm staying in a township and they live in surbubs, I'm neither poor or rich but I do well enough to take care of my family. And the other thing is we don't stay in the same province where I can just tell them to bring kids to eat, so that's not an option

Hellooo · Aug 3, 2015

If they have steady employment, they really need to learn to live within their means, but that's not something you can solve for them. (I wish so much that personal finance education was mandatory)

What IS in your control is the boundaries you establish - it's tough when it's your family, but you have to find a way to just say you are unable to help at this time, when they approach you for money. If you can't afford to part with it, then don't take risks with it.

Practice-English · Aug 4, 2015

lihle said:

Yeah,
I was like that before...
Put your own limits
because
everyone has his own limits.
Don't be afraid to say no,
don't think about people reactions
and just do it!

sandtigeress · Aug 4, 2015

in the end all is in gods hand. He provides for you.

Kaycie · Aug 4, 2015

Jesus says not to turn away the one who wants to borrow from you. I have a simple rule. I tell the person I will, but understand that I won't loan to you again until you pay me back what you are borrowing now. Cause there's a difference between borrowing and stealing. If you want to simply give it as a gift that's one thing, but whatever is agreed on from the beginning of the transaction should be carried out.

Now if it is a matter of life and death I will loan to them again before they pay me back, but as a general rule, I only give out one loan at a time for that same individual. That way I don't get taken advantage of, and they get trained in being held accountable. I am poor and have kids who depend on me, I can't give everything away and go homeless. You don't have to have a backbone, just say this is the rule I have for loaning things out.

VioletReigns · Aug 5, 2015

lihle said:

My dear lihle, I'm going to speak to you as I would my own daughter. This is not your problem, it is THEIR problem. Don't let them make it your problem. They choose not to trust God but would rather use you instead. When they say all these things to you to make you feel guilty, they are disobeying God.

You already know in your heart the right thing to do. You know in your heart they are being dishonest with you and they don't even care. You must take care of your children. God is on your side. In your case "Ubuntu" would mean God has compassion on your children and gives you the right to say, "NO!" to anyone who would want to steal the food from their mouths.

Dear daughter of God, don't explain to them anymore because they don't listen to you anyway. They must learn to trust God and they must learn to budget their own finances wisely. You can help them best by saying, "NO!" That is the only way they will stop stealing from you & your children. Just say, "NO!"

lihle · Aug 6, 2015

Thank you all for adcise and supportive comments. I almost felt to the same trap over again. Later last week ,my brother called me he was very upset because his adult children from previous relationships don't want to come and stay with him and his current wife. These kids have been raised by their mothers all their lives, so he want to have a relationship with them and he wants to do ryt by them meaning introducing them to his ancestors, this traditional amongst our people ( one is working and another just finish college so she is going to be working soon). To make the long story short, I felt that maybe just maybe I missjudged him, here he was pouring his heart out to me, wanting my advise. It felt good to be needed not just for money but for my advice too. How wrong I was, he calls again asking me to borrow him more money telling me he know he owes me a lot and he is expecting some money soon promising to pay all that he owes me. I didn't have any money to give so I told his so. But if I had have would I have given it to him? I didn't give him because I really didn't have, I just don't like this power they have over me, they my family and I love them but i feel being taken advantage of.

VioletReigns · Aug 6, 2015

You FEEL taken advantage of because you ARE being taken advantage of. When God wants us to do a thing, He first puts His desire in us to do it. There would be perfect peace, there would be joy, and the Holy Spirit would confirm it in our spirit with the Word of God.

When we do things out of fear of disappointing God or fear of disappointing other people, that fear is not of God. The Lord has set you free from fear and bondage. You are allowing your siblings to make you a slave to them when God says you owe no man anything except to love them.

The best way to show them God's love is to tell them you believe God is able to supply all their needs and let God take care of them. Sister, you must choose yourself to either walk in the liberty Christ gives to you - or - remain in bondage to your brothers & sisters. There is no other solution. They will not stop taking your money so long as you keep giving in.

Let them take all their cares to the Lord. Do you believe God is able to supply their need?

shineyourlight · Aug 6, 2015

lihle said:

Thank you all for adcise and supportive comments. I almost felt to the same trap over again. Later last week ,my brother called me he was very upset because his adult children from previous relationships don't want to come and stay with him and his current wife. These kids have been raised by their mothers all their lives, so he want to have a relationship with them and he wants to do ryt by them meaning introducing them to his ancestors, this traditional amongst our people ( one is working and another just finish college so she is going to be working soon). To make the long story short, I felt that maybe just maybe I missjudged him, here he was pouring his heart out to me, wanting my advise. It felt good to be needed not just for money but for my advice too. How wrong I was, he calls again asking me to borrow him more money telling me he know he owes me a lot and he is expecting some money soon promising to pay all that he owes me. I didn't have any money to give so I told his so. But if I had have would I have given it to him? I didn't give him because I really didn't have, I just don't like this power they have over me, they my family and I love them but i feel being taken advantage of.

Lihle, there needs to be a boundary set.

What are some things you can do in order to say "no" and to set up a boundary to protect yourself as well as them? Make a list.

Hellooo · Aug 6, 2015

Stay strong, lihle!

how do i say no?

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