I'm devastated after wife's affair.

[atwhatcost]

ACK tourist!!!!

He COULD trust her again by the power of GOD healing and restoration COULD come, there has not been adequate TIME for the scenario to unfold to allow the OP to decide what course of action he is going to take... make allowance for that instead of making final condemnation upon the situation.

Every single time you put in your 2 cents on a marriage issue... it screams HOPELESSNESS! I really want you to STOP speaking death over these situations... TRY to speak life or please just say NOTHING!

You ACKED! Ack! lol

(Tedy, since you're new, I think I owe you an explanation. I Ack! I thought I was the only one to Ack! But... ACK! She took my Ack! lol)

And yes, it is good to remember to laugh even when greatly distraught and everything is topsy turvy. It's just good to remember that laughter will return. Eccleasiates 3 is true. Might want to look at it to remember good will return to you. This too will pass, maybe like gallstones, but it passes.

 

[atwhatcost]

Hopelessness is holding out hope that this marriage can be fully restored. God may help the OP to forgive his wife but there is a reason why adultery is the only biblical grounds that allows for divorce and possible remarriage.

It also seems likely that the OP has a suspicious nature and the unfaithfulness will always be a source of anxiety and despair.

You are correct in saying that he could trust her again by the power of God. It just seems improbable that the OP would be able to tolerate the pain to reach a point of reconciliation that may never come.

Hosea married a prostitute because God told him to. This let's me know the extremes God will do to his people and how much he can soften some hearts.

 

[atwhatcost]

Oops! I spoke too soon. My dear Atwhatcost - I apologize as I'm the one who needs the restraining sock because I'm gonna use my "outdoor voice" right now:

IS EVERYONE KIDDING ME???????

Seriously, when I read TedyBareHeart's story, all I could see is that he's extremely controlling. He's putting spy apps on his wife's phone, running around town demanding security camera history, interrogating (his admits) his wife, I mean the man is policing his wife like she's a prisoner. It was actually frightening reading his story!

I don't for a minute believe that this supremacy over his wife only started the day he discovered her missing. Nobody becomes that controlling instantaneously. It seems things progressed to this boiling point over a period of time.

I am not blaming TedyBareHeart for his wife's behavior. She's accountable for what she does. I am addressing the fact that this husband is not trusting God when he is invading his wife's privacy, cross-examining her like a police sergeant, demanding she answer to him and even has their children in on surveying their mother's every move. This is insanity!

Where is God in this situation? We are not to control our spouse like that. We need to let them go free if that's what they want. "Let them depart..." If he wants this marriage to survive, he's going to have to get professional counseling rather than try to shackle his wife to their vows. Is this a prison sentence or a godly marriage?

They need professional help, maybe even legal help, but certainly not continue this frantic incrimination of his wife.

Honestly? When you get a snowjob from someone you love and trust, it simply sets you on edge. With that much evasiveness to obvious questions, I'd start suspecting hubby with that kind of evasiveness at those hours. And he's extremely trustworthy. The only reason I wouldn't go through all Tedy did is because I'm too old to get what 21st century gadgets can do for you.

As for what his wife did? He's got the evidence. Now he needs to know what God says on the matter. I know where my heart would be, if I found this out. I also know what God says may well have to trump my heart. He's made me deal with rage before, so I know he's able to do that for people. But where should Tedy go now? God.

 

[atwhatcost]

I'd be glad to stuff you in a sock... ... nice of you to drop in a poop cynicism in all the right places... good SHOW!

Violet is the ONLY one who has any discernment in the issue everybody.... we can all log off... she has it handled.

And you're different because...?

I get the emotions many are going through now. I've got my own. What I'd really like to tell Tedy to do is....

But, yeah. Not my call.

Did this comment help anything?

 

[jsr1221]

Oops! I spoke too soon. My dear Atwhatcost - I apologize as I'm the one who needs the restraining sock because I'm gonna use my "outdoor voice" right now:

IS EVERYONE KIDDING ME???????

Seriously, when I read TedyBareHeart's story, all I could see is that he's extremely controlling. He's putting spy apps on his wife's phone, running around town demanding security camera history, interrogating (his admits) his wife, I mean the man is policing his wife like she's a prisoner. It was actually frightening reading his story!

I don't for a minute believe that this supremacy over his wife only started the day he discovered her missing. Nobody becomes that controlling instantaneously. It seems things progressed to this boiling point over a period of time.

I am not blaming TedyBareHeart for his wife's behavior. She's accountable for what she does. I am addressing the fact that this husband is not trusting God when he is invading his wife's privacy, cross-examining her like a police sergeant, demanding she answer to him and even has their children in on surveying their mother's every move. This is insanity!

Where is God in this situation? We are not to control our spouse like that. We need to let them go free if that's what they want. "Let them depart..." If he wants this marriage to survive, he's going to have to get professional counseling rather than try to shackle his wife to their vows. Is this a prison sentence or a godly marriage?

They need professional help, maybe even legal help, but certainly not continue this frantic incrimination of his wife.

So... You say you don't blame him... Yet you have a problem with him not trusting his wife after what she did... A sane person doesn't go "Ohh you cheated all this time? It's okay, honey. You go continue doing every little thing you were doing while you were cheating, and I will have no trust issues with you." Which is the vibe I'm reading. The wife has lost all credibility, and should do whatever it takes to win back her husband and his trust if she really is sorry for her actions.

 

[atwhatcost]

Without trust, faith, fidelity and love in a marriage, THERE IS NO MARRIAGE. And I don't see ANY of those in THIS marriage.. :/

Good thing God sees better than we do. Without trust, faith, fidelity, or love, God saved us like that anyway. He doesn't save all, so I really don't know if he has plans to save this marriage. He never ever does it the way I think he should. (Good thing, considering what I think he should do. lol)

 

[VioletReigns]

Jesus tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated. Unfortunately many people are unaware they have controlling behavior because of anger, jealousy, insecurity, or unforgiveness operating in their heart and mind. A person who is easily angered or jealous needs to be honest with God about it so they can be made whole. Otherwise, the root of bitterness in them will grow into unhealthy and dangerous behavior patterns.

These are 20 signs to watch out for in you or in your partner:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

 

[atwhatcost]

Thought provoking, but the truth needs to be revealed by the holy spirit from within. Some people do that after people they don't even know, but know on the outside. The holy spirit will need to convict your wife, and it is not the Lords will to divide your family. Go into prayer, and though your heart wrenched, is it time to find out who you really married, her within, instead of finding all the details. Sometimes we need someone to connect with the real us, children, cooking, cleaning, and hi honey, how are you, or who are you today, what's on your heart, and are you hurting . Post a prayer in the prayer forums, they do work. I believe she will repent.

God does tell some people to "divide." He tells others to stay. We really don't know God's will for this one, but I'm still sure Tedy can find out if he seeks God's will.

 

[Utah]

With 3.5 billion people of the opposite sex on Earth, how can someone possibly be jealous?

 

[atwhatcost]

this is to VioletReigns.

What you said (supremacy over her) is exactly what I should have done all this while.. if I did, this should've not have happened. Y'know, I gave her all the liberty as she is a full time house wife and I understand clearly how's its like taking care of the kids all by herself when I'm not around.. I let her had fb accounts,..I didn't restrict her from joining groups in the sosial media (whatsapp, wechat etc..) because I trusted her and on top of that she she is very active with church activities like attending cell groups, prayer meetings, mission trips which I'm really comfortable with. Never did I thought she in her right mind will be involved in an affair. And before you bombard me further with your inaccurate insight about my situation, let me tell you one thing, the first thing I said to her right after I told her I know it all.. is .."I forgive you" .. I didn't even wait until she beg for my forgiveness (she was crying like a waterfall). but I said it first..I forgive her..why? because I loved her very much..she's all the love I got.. It has been over a month now after the reveal.. I still have much pain in my heart.. though I forgave her.. still have the thoughts of punishing her for what she done. She begged me not to tell anyone.. her parents, siblings, friend, church members, not even our pastor.. I felt so alone. no one to talk to..

If you did something terrible to someone else, and, before talking it over with them, you were told "I forgive you," would that really work for you? You do need to forgive, no matter what happens, but you don't forgive until you deal with the pain and problem. I suspect you sold her short and you sold yourself short there. You never gave her the chance to ask for the forgiveness or even found out what she was sorry about.

You felt all alone because you were all alone. You still are. You didn't get to talk it out with your two best friends -- God and her. And you pretty much shut them down to talk to you too. Kind of like sowing up a bullet wound without getting the bullet out first. That's why you're still festering.

I bet you know at least two questions you haven't asked yet. Festering without those answers, right?

 

[atwhatcost]

You could talk all ;you want here, and the prayer forums, sometimes it just festers, and I'm glad you's are all back together. I don't blame you, your not the one who walked out, temptation, comes without giving you an invitation to break up the family home, but you know who's behind all this, I know you prayed and please post your needs in the prayer forums. God blessed you, and won't turn his back on you.

It will keep festering as long as he thinks talking to strangers removes the infection. We're not the ones he needs to talk to.

And, no. This isn't one you push on the devil. No one knows if the devil made anyone do anything. He actually can't force anyone to do anything.

 

[atwhatcost]

1.) You have forgiven her. That's good.

2.) This COULD still have happened no matter how controlling you are.

3.) You say you "LOVED her." Key word here is LOVED.

4.) SHE is NOT "all the love you got." You have JESUS' love, and his love is much purer and truer than hers could ever possibly be..

So give up on loving anyone but Jesus? NOT an answer. That's called being a hermit. Which also means we don't trust Jesus' love anyway.

 

[TedyBareHeart]

It does not seem to me that your wife is the least bit sorry for betraying the trust that you had in her. It is obvious from your posts that you will never be able to trust her again and this will be a constant source of anxiety for you. For you to heal from this devastating type of hurt you will need to put this behind you and start moving forward. Chances are that the betrayal happened before April. Make a phone call and let the process of healing begin.

You're right.. it started in late Feb..as she claimed (I doubt it).. first on FB, then smss. I was at home the whole of March (I felt angry with myself for failing to become suspicious even though I did noticed her spending time on her smartphone a lot more than usual). In April (I was on work rotation), 1st week they had their first meet up at a hotel. followed by 2nd week, 3rd & 4th week. These meet ups didn't made anyone worried or suspicious because we know she have weekly activities in the evening like cell groups or prayer meetings which normally finish close to midnight (probably that was the excuse she told my kids when ever she go out to meet the man and she back home before midnight as she normally does)

 

[TedyBareHeart]

Try to be honest about your wifes side of the story also. What led up to the cheating? Not that there is any excuse, but there may be problems that led up to cheating.

We all need to be honest about the role we play in situations like this.

Was and is your wife your priority in your family? Do you place work,kids,play,friends over your wife?

Most spouses don't just go out and cheat. And it is always good to do a self check and see the possibility that we may have played a role in the end result. Its no excuse for the cheating, but we need to be honest with ourselves if our priorities were right from the beginning.

Most men will place their work before their wife, it is in our nature. And if our work is placed above our wives........it usually doesn't go well for the men.

1. Jesus Christ

2. our right woman.

3.our family.

4. our work.

Was your wife you priority in your family?

my work was 2nd, she was 3rd??. I guess. but for me there shouldn't be any priority .all the same..just balance.(but God is always above all of that). My obligations are for all.

 

[Gr8grace]

my work was 2nd, she was 3rd??. I guess. but for me there shouldn't be any priority .all the same..just balance.(but God is always above all of that). My obligations are for all.

Well, you just may be looking at your biggest mistake.Not that I am perfect and it is easier said than done Brother.


But in marriage, our spouses come first. We are to be one flesh. Jesus Christ as the head of coarse.

Men and women who are put as priority by their spouses in marriage.......are basically content and happy.

Being gone from home for a month at a time............ain't good.

 

[PartyOf3]

Need help to overcome the extreme pain and rage.

i haven't read all the comments, I just got in on this, it takes a lot of love and prayer and time, but only if you are willing to work it out and if your wife is willing to work it out. I speak with experience

 

[Jenizona]

A lot of people are mistaking a person stepping up and setting boundaries for control. I can guarantee a lot will feel differently if the man did the cheating, and the man had all these different accounts and did all these things with the opposite sex. I don't think anyone would be saying "He has the freedom to do it" like they are with this wife. Gender bias, anyone?

Boundaries and control are totally different. Boundaries are what you set up ON YOURSELF, and control is what you do to others.

For example, "If you continue to see him, I will move out." These are boundaries. You are saying what YOU will do. The other person has free choice.

"Don't leave the house, don't use the internet, don't go out with your friends." These are examples of attempting to control someone else.

I got this info from the Christian book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life , by Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

 

[shineyourlight]

Boundaries and control are totally different. Boundaries are what you set up ON YOURSELF, and control is what you do to others.

For example, "If you continue to see him, I will move out." These are boundaries. You are saying what YOU will do. The other person has free choice.

"Don't leave the house, don't use the internet, don't go out with your friends." These are examples of attempting to control someone else.

I got this info from the Christian book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life , by Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Great response and great book.

 

[Jenizona]

Great response and great book.

shineyourlight, thanks for reminding me! Just posted this in the "Books that have had the biggest impact on your life" thread! Because it has!

 

[jsr1221]

Boundaries and control are totally different. Boundaries are what you set up ON YOURSELF, and control is what you do to others.

For example, "If you continue to see him, I will move out." These are boundaries. You are saying what YOU will do. The other person has free choice.

"Don't leave the house, don't use the internet, don't go out with your friends." These are examples of attempting to control someone else.

I got this info from the Christian book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life , by Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

You're allowed to set boundaries after it happens, though. She confessed on doing if. And yes, God forgives her, and the husband has to forgive her as well... But that doesn't mean there aren't Earthly consequences. A student gets caught cheating on a test or gets caught plagiarizing a paper... Is the professor going to say "Ohh you said you're sorry, so it's okay. I'll still give you an A even though I caught you cheating." No. The student gets a Zero, and maybe even an F for the class and worse. A person steals... Do the cops say "Ohh you say you're sorry. It's okay. We won't arrest you." Not at all. The wife has to own up what she did, and has to work to gain her husband's trust if she is truly sorry and if he wants her back. Again, I don't see where people thinking having to have consequences for your wrong doing is control. We may not be of this world. But we still live in it.