Seeking Godly advice for husbands porn addiction :( so crushed and hurt

[heartbrokenJ]

Hi there.
I have been married for 4 years. Both my husband and I are Christians. We are going through such a hard time with his porn addiction. It's been going on ever since we got married. He wasn't open about until I asked him about it. He still battling with it even though he tells me he wants to change. The hardest part for me ( after so many times ) is he continues to lie to me about it and we will end up having arguments and then only after it - will it come up. I'm so hurt and insecure and heartbroken. I'm trying to be there for him and not be harsh on him but I'm tired of all the lies. Shouldn't he be the one trying to rebuild trust and prove to me that he wants to work on this. It's really hard for me - I've been understanding and as supportive as I can be - it's destroying me on the inside and I don't know who I can talk to - I feel bad letting this all out to people we know. I dont want them to look at him badly or treat him differently. I hope someone can help me with advice from a similar experience or a word laid on their heart from God. I'm tired of being alone in it. At least that's how I feel. And it's poisonous to me and destructive. Please help. Sorry if I'm typing all over the show. I'm so emotional and will be willing to answer questions if u have any. God bless. And thanks in advance for taking the time out to read or comment.

 

[Galahad]

I assume he's also in his mid to upper 20's as well.

Pray with him. Study the bible with him. Read Ephesians 5. Marriage is a union between husband and wife. Sex with no boundaries is empty. Sex with this person and that person, this many people and so on, is lust and sin and will not meet your husband's needs, nor will it meet his deep desires.

Back off for awhile. I don't know about porn addiction. But it seems to me, if you challenge him or keep it a topic, he will only lie all the more and the stress on him will lead to further communication problems.

What to do? Look to someone you trust and who can assist your husband. Someone to help you also. I'm sure you've thought of that. The person has to be appreciative of confidentiality, honesty, and truth.

Again, I don't know much about this. Don't know if you argue with him often. Seems that would not do that much good.

And in the near future remind him that he's hurting you.

 

[jsr1221]

Porn addiction can be an embarrassing thing, especially when you're married, so it could be that your husband may feel he keeps failing you, and that's why there are arguments until he finally admits it. I'm just guessing. But I agree in that you study the Bible with him, and read what it has to say about marriage. Continue standing by him, but at the same time also keep your guard up. Because (like an addiction such as alcohol and drugs) you have to put your foot down. I am praying for you and your husband, and for you to get through this together.

 

[nowyouseem033]

Wise words from a prominent theologian on this very issue, that may help.

Passion for Theology can cure an Addiction to Biology.

Essentially he needs to seek and desire after God ferociously and fervently even more than he does now. He needs to KNOW GOD not know about God, but know him more intimately. The more he knows God and comes closer to him, the less he will desire things that aren't of God. God becomes bigger and bigger the more he knows and sin will become smaller and smaller in his presence.

God is most glorified in you, when you are most satisfied in him.

He needs to find complete and utter satisfaction in God and porn will slowly drift and fade away.

I will pray for both of you guys, but I would encourage him to know God even more, and not to settle for where he is now in his walk. Replace one desire for another. Fight fire with fire. That desire needs to be centred towards God, because that's where its meant to be. Once he has found God irresistible and all satisfying above everything else, all other things will pale in comparison, even porn. Porn will no longer satisfy and be desirable to him because of how much it falls short of true satisfaction and true desire which is in God himself. But in order for him to free himself, he must be captured and mesmerized by Gods beauty and love.

Theology with a passion for Jesus can overcome Biology

Hope that helps sis

 

[PeacefulWarrior]

Passion for Theology can cure an Addiction to Biology.

1st time I've seen this -- awesome!

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Thank you for replying to my post. He is 29. He does know how much it hurts me and he uses that excuse to himself to not be honest with me. He has admitted that to me. We argue about pity things but he has got a bad anger on top of this porn addiction. So its very difficult. I have thought about him finding someone he can confide in and trust and have suggested this to him a couple of times but nothing gets done about it. I've researched porn addictions and even found a group where he would be accountable to and they share on there (other men and women ) who are facing same things in the addiction. That to he started but it fell at the waist after a while. He seems to get to a point where he was to change and willing to do anything by then he never sticks to it. It's very confusing to me coz it's trust he has broken and mending the trust is important and very necessary to move forward and of course trusting in God and surrendering it to Him. I'm just looking for advice and encouragement. Thanks for ur advice and may God bless u for ur willingness to share and help.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Wow such amazing responses - I really appreciate you all taking the time for me. And thank you for keeping us in your prayers. It's hard with this addiction but I haven't lost my faith and hope that God will use this situation. I know that He is my strength in this and I'm growing in His love and grace.

I do think he feels like he is failing me and I've told him that we can't get through this with God on our side - I just need him to be honest with me. I can't stand lies and deceit. It hurts me more than the porn at the moment because I've been strengthened by God and my weakness are insecurity and feelings of worthlessness.

You are all so precious and I pray God blesses you all for supporting and encouraging your fellow sister in Christ. May He bless you all until your cup is overflowing and grant you all your hearts desires. ☺

 

[nowyouseem033]

Replace one desire with another.

Theres nothing wrong with having a desire, its what that desire is?

If the desire is for porn then he doesn't find God more desirable than porn. Because if he did find God more desirable he wouldn't look at porn but be completely satisfied.
He needs to set his desires on what desires were always meant for. They were meant to be centred on God not self. Once those desires have been centred on God more and more through practical means like reading the Word, Studying the Word, Meditating upon the Word, etc, he will now have a new addiction... a good addiction... God himself. And once he finds God All-Satisfying and the MOST DESIRABLE thing in the universe, he will no longer go back to porn because it doesn't compare, in fact, porn gets less and less desirable and God gets more and more desirable, to the point of complete worship and praise.

Don't get rid of the desire, replace it with what it was always meant to be directed towards. GOD!!!

A book that may help is Desiring God by John Piper. I know somebody who after reading that book, no longer had a desire for porn.

 

[Willie-T]

Sadly, until it is HIS posts we are reading here, instead of yours, it is difficult to actually believe he wants to stop.

 

[shotgunner]

You need to know that this is not about him desiring the other porn women more than you. They are simply accessible and don't require any investment on his part. It's all about his own gratification. For him it's sort of like grabbing a snack during the day. The snack isn't nearly as good as the meal but it's there, it's quick and it's easy.

Now what has to happen is that he has to see how different this really is than just grabbing a snack. He has to see how it takes away from the intimate relationship he has with you, how it's really about lowering a human being created in God's image to a mere object that has no other use than to satisfy him.

It's a struggle when hooked because the brain releases chemicals that are very addictive. The flesh has a real desire for those chemicals. It can be overcome but you have to think of it like a heroine addiction, except a heroine that is instantly available and no one knows you are an addict unless you are caught.


The main thing to do is to remove temptation as much as possible until the addiction has some time to decrease. Get software for the computer that blocks porn that only you have the codes to. Remove any contributing channels from TV that are soft porn, basically make those thoughts and images as hard to view as possible.


On top of all that, like Willie says, he has to be the one to really do everything possible to quit. He has to want to. Talking about it with other Christian men battling the problem might be helpful. Basically, I think the first step is confessing that he really has a problem and not just to you.

 

[Galahad]

Thank you for replying to my post. He is 29. He does know how much it hurts me and he uses that excuse to himself to not be honest with me. He has admitted that to me. We argue about pity things but he has got a bad anger on top of this porn addiction. So its very difficult. I have thought about him finding someone he can confide in and trust and have suggested this to him a couple of times but nothing gets done about it. I've researched porn addictions and even found a group where he would be accountable to and they share on there (other men and women ) who are facing same things in the addiction. That to he started but it fell at the waist after a while. He seems to get to a point where he was to change and willing to do anything by then he never sticks to it. It's very confusing to me coz it's trust he has broken and mending the trust is important and very necessary to move forward and of course trusting in God and surrendering it to Him. I'm just looking for advice and encouragement. Thanks for ur advice and may God bless u for ur willingness to share and help.

Anger issues! Is he depressed? I don't mean down in the dumps from time to time. I mean depressed in the sense of low energy. Tired. Not wanting to get out of the house. Other than work.

 

[tenderhearted]

Your husband needs some counseling. This is an addiction just like any other addiction and he needs help. He also needs a support group. In the US they have accountability groups for these kinds of addictions. My church even has a group for men who struggle with this. Try not to feel ashamed and alone. There are many women who feel just like you do. Do your research on the internet, they may have a group in your country/area. If your husband is really done with this then he will willingly get the help he needs.

Also, try not to feel threatened by the women on the screen because your husband doesn't really want these women. This is not the root issue. He is a broken men who is using porn to self soothe. Only God can heal him from the bondage he's in. I will pray for you. Rest in God.

 

[Angela53510]

Thank you for replying to my post. He is 29. He does know how much it hurts me and he uses that excuse to himself to not be honest with me. He has admitted that to me. We argue about pity things but he has got a bad anger on top of this porn addiction. So its very difficult. I have thought about him finding someone he can confide in and trust and have suggested this to him a couple of times but nothing gets done about it. I've researched porn addictions and even found a group where he would be accountable to and they share on there (other men and women ) who are facing same things in the addiction. That to he started but it fell at the waist after a while. He seems to get to a point where he was to change and willing to do anything by then he never sticks to it. It's very confusing to me coz it's trust he has broken and mending the trust is important and very necessary to move forward and of course trusting in God and surrendering it to Him. I'm just looking for advice and encouragement. Thanks for ur advice and may God bless u for ur willingness to share and help.

From what I read, and what I learned about porn addictions, an accountability partner is the best way to go. You sound like you are on the right track. If he will not go, you might have to throw your weight around. That means not sleeping with him, or not cooking or something important you do for him. Just to shock him a bit! And show that this issue is a make it or break it issue for you.

While that is manipulative, it is no different than what he is doing to you. And you not cooking for him is a lot less of an issue than a porn addiction. But then you must also keep safe, if he has a temper, he could be triggered into abusing you. Only you know what you live with, so please ignore my advice if it will not work for you.

Praying for your husband to come out of denial, and to get the help he needs.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

Sadly, until it is HIS posts we are reading here, instead of yours, it is difficult to actually believe he wants to stop.

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with what Willie said here. I was heavily addicted to porn for many years, but I know firsthand that Christ can set somebody free from the same...if they want to be set free. If your husband ever wants to talk to somebody, then I'd be happy to speak with him via private messaging.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Yeah I suppose that's true. Would you be willing to email him if I'd give you his email address? Or should I ask him first? Thanks for taking the time to comment and offer your help. May God bless you abundantly.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Anger issues! Is he depressed? I don't mean down in the dumps from time to time. I mean depressed in the sense of low energy. Tired. Not wanting to get out of the house. Other than work.

No he hasn't got any depression. He feels bad once this all comes out in the light but I wouldn't say he is depressed.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

Yeah I suppose that's true. Would you be willing to email him if I'd give you his email address? Or should I ask him first? Thanks for taking the time to comment and offer your help. May God bless you abundantly.

I'd certainly be willing to speak to him via email, but you'd really need to ask him first. He needs to want help and he needs to be open to those who want to help him. Trying to coerce him against his own will could definitely make matters worse. You said that he's a Christian. Has he shown any signs of godly sorrow? Here is why I ask:

"Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing. For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter." (II Corinthians 7:9-11)

Your husband needs to know that his sin, and it is sin, is against God, first and foremost, and there's going to need to be "godly sorrow" if there's ever going to be true "repentance". Your husband is committing adultery in his heart and this is a serious matter and he needs to be aware of the same:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." (Matthew 5:27-29)

That was Jesus speaking and He doesn't take what your husband is presently doing as a light thing. Again, if your husband is ever to be set free, then he needs to realize that he is sinning not only against you, but against God and he's going to need to truly be sorry for the same before deliverance is ever going to come. God doesn't deliver us from our friends. He delivers us from our enemies. When your husband sees pornography as a tactic of the devil to destroy him and your marriage and when he wants deliverance from the same, then he can most definitely be set free. If you haven't shared the Matthew verse with him before, then I recommend sharing it with him now. There are consequences for our sins and by the fear of the Lord men depart from evil:

"By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil." (Proverbs 16:6)

Anyhow, I'll gladly speak to your husband via email or private messaging IF he wants me to. Again, he has to truly want to be set free. I was heavily into pornography before I became a Christian and I still struggled with it early on in my Christian walk. God made me read the 6th chapter of Romans numerous times to let me know the consequences of my sin and to help get my heart to the place where I truly could be delivered. Here's a portion of what He had me read over and over again until I truly got it in my heart:

"Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. For he that is dead is freed from sin. Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him: Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him. For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God. Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace. What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness." (Romans 6:6-18)

Your husband is currently letting sin reign in his mortal body and he is currently yielding his members as not only instruments of unrighteousness unto sin, but as instruments of sin UNTO DEATH. There is hope, though. If he can be brought to the place where he truly understands "the form of doctrine which has been delivered unto him" in relation to how Christ can truly set him free from sin and he's willing to "obey FROM THE HEART that form of doctrine", then he can definitely be set free, but he needs to be a willing participant in all of this. I know that I'm giving you a lot of scripture here, but that is by design. God's Word is "the sword of the Spirit" and your husband is going to need to be "cut" by it in his heart or he's going to need to be convicted and brought to the place of "godly sorrow" that I mentioned earlier or else he's never truly going to "repent unto salvation" and be delivered from his current bondage. The actual deliverance is pretty easy once the heart is truly turned towards God, so please don't be discouraged. Your husband's heart is what is key here and nobody has control over that but him and that is why he needs to be willing in all of this.

 

[pwrnJC]

It's NOT depression that drives him to porn. It is a basic earthly lustful demonic power that is ever so hard to compensate unless a visual sexual encounter is before his eyes that temporarily satisfies the male psychie! HE does not even realize, initially, how this takes over his mind and energy. That's when satan knows that he is 'hooked'. So much porn is FREE online, no money, no purchasing, no embarrassments...just a room where all you need is time on your hands and any kind of perversion is out there for the viewing. Yes, it is disgusting and vile, but soon the male mind tries to justify it. IT is an addiction, it is a fetish, and it is disturbing. It makes a CHristian feel so low, so unloved that it takes away self esteem and desire for a closer walk with JESUS. IT most likely will take a few years to subside to the point where it comes down to "Do I choose HELL or JESUS and give up the porn?" Even if a fresh infilling of the holy spirit hits him and he stays free and clear of porn for a while, the old past memories are still there and he can return to it, just like the bible says "A DOG eats it's own vomit". I am speaking from my own past experience. My wife and I have an awesome love life...but for some reason, porn was there for me and I had no excuse to take advantage of it except curiousity (which killed the cat). God, in all of His wisdom,slowly would send me signs, such as a particular BIBLE verse..or a sermon, or a song, or a gut reaction to let me know that I was being chastized....and I kept myself on the ignore mode. Finally...I was backed into a corner, with my job on the line, my future unsure and things so unsettled, I knew it was of my own sick choices...so for 3 days, I stayed alone, crying, begging, seeking HIS face and raeding the BIBLE. GOD responded because HE knew my heart and my desires. I no longer wanted to be entrenched with this silly addiction and it took several visits to the church altar and sincerity on my part. Now..I honestly get a sick revulsion to the very idea of me wanting to go to porno websites. I literally shake and run to the bathroom...because GOD put it there. IT came down to my mind and body turning on me if for one moment I thought of going astray again. I have VICTORY in JESUS..finally! My wrestling paid off and I never had to share this with family because it would have given satan another chance to try to ruin things. See, my dad is a pastor and I am a seminary graduate. GOD bless you as you are seeking His counsel in this. I know you love your husband...and he is not doing this to get to you, personally. HE is trapped and feeling very helpless. It took me a few years to overcome...and a connection to a pentacostal church where the Holy Spirit is allowed to take over a service. I was brought under conviction and came forward, not revealing my addiction and it's details, but seeking a true new, fresh walk in HIS spirit. Other prayer warriors and sincere CHRISTIANS came forward and layed hands on me and I was so weak in my knees that I collapsed and lay there on the floor while the holy spirit ministered to me, spoke to me..and lifted me up and forgave me. It took a while for me to forgive myself...but I have walked on, and now try to help others in this. GOD bless you, sister..and I will be praying for your husband.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

IT most likely will take a few years to subside to the point where it comes down to "Do I choose HELL or JESUS and give up the porn?"

That may sound too harsh for some, but that's exactly what it all comes down to. Jesus doesn't see adultery as a light thing and He definitely warned of hell for those who refuse to depart from the same.

 

[Willie-T]

HBJ,

Ordinarily, I would have butted in sooner, but you are getting a lot of good advice already, so just one more voice isn't necessary. But, I would like to make one observation...

I know this throws more "work" on you, but it honestly is not advisable for YOU, or anyone else, to initiate something like an email. You really need to somehow exert enough influence so that HE is the one who makes up his mind to reach out first. It doesn't sound like much, I know... who starts any contact... but it truly DOES make a huge difference, and is important.

This has to be something he sees as HIS, not just something else forced upon him by external forces. (And even if he can't see it, and denies it, that is what all of us... you included.. are to his thinking right now.)