Seeking Godly advice for husbands porn addiction :( so crushed and hurt

[JesusistheChrist]

HBJ,

Ordinarily, I would have butted in sooner, but you are getting a lot of good advice already, so just one more voice isn't necessary. But, I would like to make one observation...

I know this throws more "work" on you, but it honestly is not advisable for YOU, or anyone else, to initiate something like an email. You really need to somehow exert enough influence so that HE is the one who makes up his mind to reach out first. It doesn't sound like much, I know... who starts any contact... but it truly DOES make a huge difference, and is important.

This has to be something he sees as HIS, not just something else forced upon him by external forces. (And even if he can't see it, and denies it, that is what all of us... you included.. are to his thinking right now.)

As Willie said, it is imperative that your husband cries out for help himself. Again, God doesn't deliver us from our friends...only our enemies. When your husband recognizes the inherent dangers in what he is involved in and truly wants to be set free from the same, then God can easily deliver him. Like I said before, your husband's heart is the key to all of this and he alone holds that key.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

HBJ,

Ordinarily, I would have butted in sooner, but you are getting a lot of good advice already, so just one more voice isn't necessary. But, I would like to make one observation...

I know this throws more "work" on you, but it honestly is not advisable for YOU, or anyone else, to initiate something like an email. You really need to somehow exert enough influence so that HE is the one who makes up his mind to reach out first. It doesn't sound like much, I know... who starts any contact... but it truly DOES make a huge difference, and is important.

This has to be something he sees as HIS, not just something else forced upon him by external forces. (And even if he can't see it, and denies it, that is what all of us... you included.. are to his thinking right now.)

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate your honesty and advice. I did mention this Christian Chat site and I think I will leave it in his court to make the decision to take it any further. I have spoken to him and said that I think it would be good for him but I wont push him into it. I'm praying for God to work in his heart and convict him where necessary. God bless

 

[heartbrokenJ]

As Willie said, it is imperative that your husband cries out for help himself. Again, God doesn't deliver us from our friends...only our enemies. When your husband recognizes the inherent dangers in what he is involved in and truly wants to be set free from the same, then God can easily deliver him. Like I said before, your husband's heart is the key to all of this and he alone holds that key.

Thank you for your advice and honesty. You all have helped me in a way that I wasn't seeing it before and understanding it. I really appreciate it. he seemed to show interest in Chatting to others and joining this site - so we will see what happens, ill continue to pray and seek Gods face. I have given him the scriptures and and chatted to him so we will have to wait and see. Blessings

 

[JesusistheChrist]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appreciate your honesty and advice. I did mention this Christian Chat site and I think I will leave it in his court to make the decision to take it any further. I have spoken to him and said that I think it would be good for him but I wont push him into it. I'm praying for God to work in his heart and convict him where necessary. God bless

For whatever it's worth, I think that you're taking the right course of action. I'll certainly be praying for your husband as well.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Yeah I suppose that's true. Would you be willing to email him if I'd give you his email address? Or should I ask him first? Thanks for taking the time to comment and offer your help. May God bless you abundantly.

That's probably the worst thing you could do, is give one of us his email. He'll be angry that you told an internet full of strangers his business, and he won't be happy that you gave out his email.. DO NOT post ANY personal info on here, it IS viewable by the entire online world AND is searchable on Google.. He needs counseling, NOT a stranger emailing him and telling him what he needs to do.. jmo

 

[JesusistheChrist]

Thank you for your advice and honesty. You all have helped me in a way that I wasn't seeing it before and understanding it. I really appreciate it. he seemed to show interest in Chatting to others and joining this site - so we will see what happens, ill continue to pray and seek Gods face. I have given him the scriptures and and chatted to him so we will have to wait and see. Blessings

If he does join, then I'd be happy to speak with him as somebody who knows precisely what he's going through in that I've gone through it myself. I was caught up in pornography for a good 14 or 15 years, but God is able to deliver us from all sorts of bondages. Should your husband and I ever speak, then know that I'm not going to beat him over the head or anything. I'll be straightforward, yes, but also with compassion knowing full well myself how strong of a grip pornography can have upon one's life and how hopeless it can seem apart from the power of God to truly liberate somebody from such bondage.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

That's probably the worst thing you could do, is give one of us his email. He'll be angry that you told an internet full of strangers his business, and he won't be happy that you gave out his email.. DO NOT post ANY personal info on here, it IS viewable by the entire online world AND is searchable on Google.. He needs counseling, NOT a stranger emailing him and telling him what he needs to do.. jmo

I agree that she shouldn't give out his email address without his permission and I also think that it's wise that such matters be handled privately via either email or private messaging if he does give his consent, but even "strangers" like myself can counsel him according to God's Word if he's open to the same. I needed God's counsel to be set free myself, so it's not like I'm going to tell him anything weird if we ever do speak.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

That's probably the worst thing you could do, is give one of us his email. He'll be angry that you told an internet full of strangers his business, and he won't be happy that you gave out his email.. DO NOT post ANY personal info on here, it IS viewable by the entire online world AND is searchable on Google.. He needs counseling, NOT a stranger emailing him and telling him what he needs to do.. jmo

thanks for your comment, I wont give out his email unless he is okay with it to chat to someone in particular. will pray that he seeks out this Christian chat to speak to other people who are either going through it presently or have had their own experience in it. I think that its hard for him to talk to people we know, and I think its very important to get it out and chat to someone - we all go through things in our lives and God can use anyone of us for encouragement advice or even reaffirm what we already know with more truth. blessings

 

[JesusistheChrist]

thanks for your comment, I wont give out his email. will pray that he seeks out this Christian chat to speak to other people who are either going through it presently or have had their own experience in it. I think that its hard for him to talk to people we know, and I think its very important to get it out and chat to someone - we all go through things in our lives and God can use anyone of us for encouragement advice or even reaffirm what we already know with more truth. blessings

It probably is better for him to talk to people who don't actually know him because shame could keep him from being honest and honesty before God, first and foremost, and honesty with himself are both going to be needed in order for him to be set free. Anyhow, let's just all keep him in prayer and see what he decides to do. He's going to have to choose that which he's most comfortable with and as long as he knows that he has some options that might be a very good thing in the end.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

I agree that she shouldn't give out his email address without his permission and I also think that it's wise that such matters be handled privately via either email or private messaging if he does give his consent, but even "strangers" like myself can counsel him according to God's Word if he's open to the same. I needed God's counsel to be set free myself, so it's not like I'm going to tell him anything weird if we ever do speak.

I agree 100% with you emailing or chatting privately will be better than him doing something like I did I think cause he will be putting himself out there all open and vulnerable - if he decides to chat to you - and everything said will be done in love but be the truth. I really hope and pray that he does make contact with you.

 

[JesusistheChrist]

I agree 100% with you emailing or chatting privately will be better than him doing something like I did I think cause he will be putting himself out there all open and vulnerable - if he decides to chat to you - and everything said will be done in love but be the truth. I really hope and pray that he does make contact with you.

If he chooses to, then I'll certainly seek to help him via godly counsel and possibly also by sharing some of my own experiences with him. By the way, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you had to come with a heavy heart, but hopefully such heaviness will be removed by God somewhere down the line. Personally, I suspect that it will be to the glory and honor of God.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

If he chooses to, then I'll certainly seek to help him via godly counsel and possibly also by sharing some of my own experiences with him. By the way, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you had to come with a heavy heart, but hopefully such heaviness will be removed by God somewhere down the line. Personally, I suspect that it will be to the glory and honor of God.

Thank you very much. also under circumstances its not so cool but I know at the end of all this and all we going through, God will get all the glory and honour, He is so good and already given me so much strength and understanding. I'm not losing hope or faith and I trust that God will work in this and with Him on our side - I have peace and comfort. I'm very blessed to have found this place, this week didn't start so great but just from speaking to you all and opening up and not allowing the devil to entangle me - I'm already feeling better and more excited for the future. thank you for being faithful in that.

 

[Willie-T]

Seriously..................................... It should never be YOU giving out his email. He knows how to type. Leave that strictly up to him.

I'm a little different than others here, in that I will not counsel him through PM or email. (Although I am more than willing to "talk.")

I have access to several good resources he can persue, and I, personally, think that would be more beneficial to him.

 

[passing_through]

The thing is, the images that he looks at are burned into his mind and he can vividly recall them at any moment (personal experience) there is nothing that you can do to help him except live 'the LIFE' before him, that's the Christian Life (a meek and quiet spirit) and pray, only the New Birth and Jesus Christ can change his life. I'm praying.

 

[Omni]

Hi there.
I have been married for 4 years. Both my husband and I are Christians. We are going through such a hard time with his porn addiction. It's been going on ever since we got married. He wasn't open about until I asked him about it. He still battling with it even though he tells me he wants to change. The hardest part for me ( after so many times ) is he continues to lie to me about it and we will end up having arguments and then only after it - will it come up. I'm so hurt and insecure and heartbroken. I'm trying to be there for him and not be harsh on him but I'm tired of all the lies. Shouldn't he be the one trying to rebuild trust and prove to me that he wants to work on this. It's really hard for me - I've been understanding and as supportive as I can be - it's destroying me on the inside and I don't know who I can talk to - I feel bad letting this all out to people we know. I dont want them to look at him badly or treat him differently. I hope someone can help me with advice from a similar experience or a word laid on their heart from God. I'm tired of being alone in it. At least that's how I feel. And it's poisonous to me and destructive. Please help. Sorry if I'm typing all over the show. I'm so emotional and will be willing to answer questions if u have any. God bless. And thanks in advance for taking the time out to read or comment.

Brace yourself, this is brutally honest.

If you expect your husband never to look at another woman, never to think about another woman, never to have fleeting sexual desire for anyone but you, then your marriage is going to fail. People expect the fairytale, perfect marriage. That is an impossible expectation. Nobody is perfect, not even close. You are not perfect. He is not perfect. So cut your expectations, get a sense of perspective, remember all the times you've looked (and how looking really doesn't mean anything, unless you focus on it) and talk to your husband about what he really wants from your sex life.

I suspect you are doing what so many Christian women try to do, and that is to suppress what is a natural appetite in both you and your husband. Loosen up and have a frank conversation about it. Life's too short to be prudish with the person you're going to be with for the rest of your natural life.

 

[Galahad]

No he hasn't got any depression. He feels bad once this all comes out in the light but I wouldn't say he is depressed.

Good. If he was depressed, then other concerns.

My prayers are with you and him.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Brace yourself, this is brutally honest.

If you expect your husband never to look at another woman, never to think about another woman, never to have fleeting sexual desire for anyone but you, then your marriage is going to fail. People expect the fairytale, perfect marriage. That is an impossible expectation. Nobody is perfect, not even close. You are not perfect. He is not perfect. So cut your expectations, get a sense of perspective, remember all the times you've looked (and how looking really doesn't mean anything, unless you focus on it) and talk to your husband about what he really wants from your sex life.

I suspect you are doing what so many Christian women try to do, and that is to suppress what is a natural appetite in both you and your husband. Loosen up and have a frank conversation about it. Life's too short to be prudish with the person you're going to be with for the rest of your natural life.

We have had the frank conversation about it. It's basically coming down to him and his choice to seek help. I can't force him or anything. Like everyone has been saying it's his heart that's key and only he can seek God to sort out his sin. I'm aware of all you have said but what he is doing is destructive to our marriage. It's destructive to himself and myself. It's not just a thing about noticing pretty girls - it's a sickness and in a marriage your partner is your standard of beauty so I haven't got unrealistic expectations - I have a problem with his sin. I'm concerned about him and his walk with our Lord. I'm concerned about our marriage and our future. If it's what you say then I could deal but he has a porn addiction and that's a sin.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Good. If he was depressed, then other concerns.

My prayers are with you and him.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

 

[heartbrokenJ]

Omni you are wrong - the bible clearly states if a man looks at another woman with lust (sexual desires) he commits adultery in his heart. God is very clear about physical adultery and the heart. A union between man and woman is sacred and God's design. I'm just being brutally honest back with you... its also not about having the worldly fairytale marriage but rather they way God intended it to be!!!

 

[PeacefulWarrior]

We have had the frank conversation about it. It's basically coming down to him and his choice to seek help. I can't force him or anything. Like everyone has been saying it's his heart that's key and only he can seek God to sort out his sin. I'm aware of all you have said but what he is doing is destructive to our marriage. It's destructive to himself and myself. It's not just a thing about noticing pretty girls - it's a sickness and in a marriage your partner is your standard of beauty so I haven't got unrealistic expectations - I have a problem with his sin. I'm concerned about him and his walk with our Lord. I'm concerned about our marriage and our future. If it's what you say then I could deal but he has a porn addiction and that's a sin.

I think you both need help -- someone to talk with; a therapist, counsellor, pastor, close friend. You probably need a female to talk with -- you may find some assistance here, but I think in-person is best (although video-conferencing can help). He probably needs a male to talk with -- a Christian man who can walk with your husband.

You show that you understand that your husband's heart needs to be willing to change -- so be at peace with this knowledge; continue to pray. Addictions do not easily disappear -- not so quickly anyway. Be patient, and in the meantime, seek guidance from your local spiritual leaders/elders.

Focus less on your concern (the sins you see) and more on Love. Love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13). Even Jesus, who died on the cross for our sins, did not point out the sins of those who crucified Him -- he prayed for their forgiveness (Luke 23:34).

33 When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left.34 Jesus said, “Father,forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[c] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.