Confessions of my conscience.

[Pilkington]

Its so hard to just push aside what I've been denied because of this man's lust and violence. I was still 12 and he robbed me of the last of my childhood and pushed me into a blackhole. We had already a few months earlier had a tragedy in our family and now my parents were faced with a new nightmare - me. This mans rape and attempted murder pushed me into a world of cutting n suicidal thoughts. I lost the fun of being 13 n 14.

I spoke with some lovely women in the chat rooms last night and I know at some point I have to forgive. This is terribly hard when I feel so bitter, and I feel dread at him ever getting out. One positive thing is that my father has clarified I was mistaken in that its not a formal parole hearing - that wont be for at least another two years - its just some sort of assessment.

I feel so much confusion about affection towards me - I want to be liked - its hard when your instinct is - don't touch me and I retreat to my safety zones. Im sad coz to accept affection from a girl will condemn me - even when its not at all a physical affection.

When I listened to the women who talked with me I realise im not an isolated case n their stories were shockingly sad. I felt almost pitiful for raising my issues compared to the suffering of some women. So I know Im not alone. And I am moving forward. I have not cut in over two months and I have good strategies to help me.... my greatest struggle is not feeling ashamed or that I am a lesser person for being a victim of rape - I described it to my counsellor as feeling tainted and that everyone can see it like a sign on my back - Its a horrible feeling.

Zoii, I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you. I can not even begin to imagine what you have gone through and it is just so hard to know what to say but I wanted to let you know I care and it grieves and angers me that someone could violate you in this manner. If I could I would take your pain away.

I understand that you feel ashamed but I wanted to say our are not a victim you are a survivor. I think your strength and compassion for others is awesome. As another poster said Genesis 50v20 As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good. All though what this person did to you was truly evil, God can use and bring something good from it.
I also wanted to say Romans 8v38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I also wanted to say It is really positive that you have not cut yourself in two months. You are still healing and it will take time. It is natural to feel bitter and not wanting him ever to be released. I know you said you will have to forgive. Forgiveness is not primarily for his benefit but for yours. Bitterness will eat you up inside but if you find you are eventually able to forgive with God's help it will free you. The best explanation I have ever heard of forgiveness. Is that when we don't forgive we are chain ourselves to the situation and the person who has hurt us. We are basically saying we want revenge, want to act as judge, jury and executioner. When we forgive we break that chain and allow God to deal with the person.

Finally again it makes sense that you are confused about affection, wanting it but not wanting it. All I would say don't rush into anything. I think you still need time to heal.

 

[shotgunner]

I was 20 when I was raped. I'm 59 now. It WAS the defining moment of my life. It changed everything. I stopped wasting time thinking Jesus saved me so I could do anything. At that point in time, I was proud I didn't break one commandment. I still didn't break it, but it woke up in me all the selfish desires of sexuality and sex. At least I was 20. Zoii was not. It brought me to my knees. It taught me new depths of humiliation and humbleness before God. It was the first step into getting help for many things that were selfish in me. I look back and can see where I was headed. Not good. But it diverted my path into a good direction -- back to God. I was 20. Zoii was 13.

It did define me. Over the long haul it redefined me and refined me in good ways, although what happened that night was so far from good you'd need a spaceship to get to good.

And "I have the power to be anything I choose to be?" No way! God gave me the power to be what he chooses me to be. That night proved to be the night I learned how little power I really have. That was my redefining realization. Most people never quite understand that most things in life we have no power over. That night showed me that at a young age so I didn't waste my life thinking I'm powerful. God is powerful!

Man is he powerful!!!

I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I hope you know that it wasn't orchestrated by God to teach you something.

If you will read my post again you will see that I am talking about the Power of God in you to change your life. I said specifically that you have the power, through Christ in you, to transform your life.

I have no doubt that such an event defines one's life, but it doesn't have to. Our lives should be defined by the love that Christ has toward us and how we love others, not by some horrible act done to us.


I'm sorry but I'm an incurable optimist.

 

[atwhatcost]

I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I hope you know that it wasn't orchestrated by God to teach you something.

If you will read my post again you will see that I am talking about the Power of God in you to change your life. I said specifically that you have the power, through Christ in you, to transform your life.

I have no doubt that such an event defines one's life, but it doesn't have to. Our lives should be defined by the love that Christ has toward us and how we love others, not by some horrible act done to us.


I'm sorry but I'm an incurable optimist.

I am too. Wasn't a few times in my life, but when my optimism returned it was always a clear sign that I'm back.

 

[keepitsimple]

Love and respect to you Zoii .. and to all the women here that have experienced such a horrendous ordeal. I am at a loss for words

Revelation 21:4 ... He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

 

[zoii]

it helps knowing how sensitive people are here. I have had some e-mails in response to this highlighting their feelings and experiences. In some ways my ordeal was easier to bear - the perpetrator was caught and brought to justice. Others here aren't in that position and got no justice, and yet others again experienced their sexual assault and/or physical trauma from within their immediate family, and their ordeal remains largely a secret. Few but you will understand the consequences that have followed in your life because of what you endured. It has affected our self esteem, our anxieties, our sexuality and capacity for a relationship..... and has left us with ordeals that come from our coping strategies that nearly always include self harm.

I just wanted to express how much I feel for you and it humbles me when I know just how many of you share my issues. My love to you all
Zoii

 

[Dan58]

I spoke with some lovely women in the chat rooms last night and I know at some point I have to forgive. This is terribly hard when I feel so bitter, and I feel dread at him ever getting out.

If this guy hasn't repented, God has not forgiven him, and I don't think your obligated to forgive him either (Luke 17:3). http://probingthebible.com/Questions/Book/Chapter_17/01/

 

[RickyZ]

it helps knowing how sensitive people are here. I have had some e-mails in response to this highlighting their feelings and experiences. In some ways my ordeal was easier to bear - the perpetrator was caught and brought to justice. Others here aren't in that position and got no justice, and yet others again experienced their sexual assault and/or physical trauma from within their immediate family, and their ordeal remains largely a secret. Few but you will understand the consequences that have followed in your life because of what you endured. It has affected our self esteem, our anxieties, our sexuality and capacity for a relationship..... and has left us with ordeals that come from our coping strategies that nearly always include self harm.

I just wanted to express how much I feel for you and it humbles me when I know just how many of you share my issues. My love to you all
Zoii

You know it's not just the attack that he's going to pay for. He's charged by God to take the lead and shelter the woman. He's going to pay for violating that command in addition to what he did to you. That part you find distasteful about letting a man lead, that comes with the responsibility on the man to be the leader. This man failed that responsibility and will be held to account for it.

Too, Jesus had a special place for children. He beckoned them around Him, said we should all be as children, and gave special woes upon those who harm them. This man is a three time loser for what he did to you. Sure he may be saved but he'll be called to account for - and suffer loss for - three different charges before God.

Not that we should seek revenge, but know that he's not getting away with anything here. What goes around comes around - that's in scripture, right?

 

[zoii]

What I find hard is why - Like why would a man do this. If it was just sex then... well at 12 I didn't even have boobs. And surely most men can pay for sex if they really have to. I believe its not just sex but that these men get a thrill from the violence towards the most vulnerable. That I was so defenceless made the attack even more thrilling to him. I try not to think about it but when I do it puts a hate deep inside me.

And 12-13 year olds or younger being raped by middle aged men is not exactly uncommon - here is two very recent stories
Plucky 13-year-old tells of 'rape ordeal' | Daily Mail Online

No Cookies | Perth Now

 

[atwhatcost]

What I find hard is why - Like why would a man do this. If it was just sex then... well at 12 I didn't even have boobs. And surely most men can pay for sex if they really have to. I believe its not just sex but that these men get a thrill from the violence towards the most vulnerable. That I was so defenceless made the attack even more thrilling to him. I try not to think about it but when I do it puts a hate deep inside me.

And 12-13 year olds or younger being raped by middle aged men is not exactly uncommon - here is two very recent stories
Plucky 13-year-old tells of 'rape ordeal' | Daily Mail Online

No Cookies | Perth Now

Same thoughts I had. (Well, I had boobs. I sure hope you can laugh a little. That was meant as a joke to get you to smile.)

The thing is it's not sex. It's a mugging. It's overpowering the target. I don't get that too, but at least it stopped me from circling around and around again with "What on earth did I ever do that turned them on?" I distinctly dressed street-person, like I was someone not to mess with. I was 5'11" and about 170 pounds and there is no way you could tell I had anything like a figure when I was hitching a ride specifically to avoid that. And that's when I learned how to tell good lies without ever getting mixed up on the details. My standard lie, (which I made sure they dragged out of me, so it didn't look well rehearsed or gave any appearance of a lie), was I was going to my parole officer. (Fortunately, the two towns I hitchhiked to to visit friends were county seats, so they had parole offices.) Clearly I wasn't out to look cute or sexy. So, at least I have the knowledge it wasn't about sex. It was a mugging. They were out to prove they could overpower me.

Had they just asked, I would have told them they could. I can't fight. Never could. I only know one move -- go for the groin. lol (Seriously, I want you to smile sometimes. Even a groan at my dumb jokes is good.)

Also, on a more serious note, we're not telling you our stories to make you feel like what happened to you was any less. Really really wasn't less. Especially compared to my story. There was so little evidence on what happened from me, that the only thing that annoyed my roommates was that I took a shower from like 1-5 AM. Who'd pick up what that means, outside of someone thinks it's okay to run a shower that near to my bed, and the noise is bothering me.

It was wintertime, so no one knew until I told them not to let any guys in the house for me, unless they wore glasses. (I had three guy friends and all wore glasses.) Then I was given notice to find a new place. Can't blame them there. You, on the other hand, spent time in the hospital and probably even more time getting your eye fixed.That's really bad, as if 13 wasn't bad enough. (I know it as right around your birthday, but I remember how important the 13th birthday was. I was 13 a month before I was 13, because 13 is supposed to mean, "I'm no little kid anymore.")

We're telling you what happened to us so you know your not alone, t's not you that did anything wrong, and, better yet, you know we survived it. You may feel like you're lost in a cave, but we all know it's a tunnel and you'll find your way out. It does change us, but with God on our side, the change ends up being to the good. Doesn't feel that way for a while, but works out that way gradually.

The ones I really feel sorry for are those that don't have God. How do they go on?

 

[zoii]

@atwhatcost - didn't you feel abandoned? I'd hear how god knows all and controls all... honestly I don't know how many times I have sworn at God. If he can do whatever, then why was he such a bystander... what did I ever do (or other innocent people) that offended him..... Im a bit better with this and others have commented on this in this thread.... but when things are down and I am battling not to cut, I find this an outrageous betrayal,... so much so that the suggestion that I should forgive is horrible.... even though I know in my brain its for my own good.

 

[zoii]

n btw - yea u did make me smile hahaha u had boobs but u cant fight - not sure theres any connection between the two but made me smile.

 

[visje]

@atwhatcost - didn't you feel abandoned? I'd hear how god knows all and controls all... honestly I don't know how many times I have sworn at God. If he can do whatever, then why was he such a bystander... what did I ever do (or other innocent people) that offended him..... Im a bit better with this and others have commented on this in this thread.... but when things are down and I am battling not to cut, I find this an outrageous betrayal,... so much so that the suggestion that I should forgive is horrible.... even though I know in my brain its for my own good.

Hi zoii,
i applaud your braveness to feel the anger and frustration. especially because you tell Jesus how you feel. and i know He understands and maybe feels the same feelings of anger towards what happened. And i think that if people didn't had free will He would never ever let that happen to you. But your attacker choose to do darkness and choose to attack you. (i think that's why Jesus couldn't let him stop, because he choose). Anger can give strenght and give you the opportunity to see it's unjust and not your fault what happened. the anger needs a way out, so it doesn't turn into bitterness or a big stone in your stumach. And after the anger, under the anger, after all the tears and all the other feelings, when you find healing in that (and you will) than there is the space where you can think and pray about forgiveness.

i want to thank you for posting your story. i think that's so brave and by telling your feelings you give words to feelings a lot of people feel but can not find the words. and you have the words, you are brave enough to tell, to fight the shame, to be open. i know that all the feelings of shame and feeling dirty can all be cleansed by Jesus. and i know that's not a one day process (not even a one year process) allthought i do hope for you that you can feel clean and brave and strong and special in a good way very soon.

one more thing. you didn't offended Him. and even if you did, He would never give such thing as punishment.

i see your writing was meant for atwhatcost and i replided, i hope you don't mind that

 

[zoii]

Hi zoii,
i applaud your braveness to feel the anger and frustration. especially because you tell Jesus how you feel. and i know He understands and maybe feels the same feelings of anger towards what happened. And i think that if people didn't had free will He would never ever let that happen to you. But your attacker choose to do darkness and choose to attack you. (i think that's why Jesus couldn't let him stop, because he choose). Anger can give strenght and give you the opportunity to see it's unjust and not your fault what happened. the anger needs a way out, so it doesn't turn into bitterness or a big stone in your stumach. And after the anger, under the anger, after all the tears and all the other feelings, when you find healing in that (and you will) than there is the space where you can think and pray about forgiveness.

i want to thank you for posting your story. i think that's so brave and by telling your feelings you give words to feelings a lot of people feel but can not find the words. and you have the words, you are brave enough to tell, to fight the shame, to be open. i know that all the feelings of shame and feeling dirty can all be cleansed by Jesus. and i know that's not a one day process (not even a one year process) allthought i do hope for you that you can feel clean and brave and strong and special in a good way very soon.

one more thing. you didn't offended Him. and even if you did, He would never give such thing as punishment.

Oh ty so much - this was lovely - hugs

 

[shotgunner]

@atwhatcost - didn't you feel abandoned? I'd hear how god knows all and controls all... honestly I don't know how many times I have sworn at God. If he can do whatever, then why was he such a bystander... what did I ever do (or other innocent people) that offended him..... Im a bit better with this and others have commented on this in this thread.... but when things are down and I am battling not to cut, I find this an outrageous betrayal,... so much so that the suggestion that I should forgive is horrible.... even though I know in my brain its for my own good.

Zoii
Bad things happen to good people because we live in a fallen world. God gave the earth to men ,and has given us all free will. Things that God has declared will come to pass, but God isn't orchestrating every movement, especially in the lives of lost men and women. Those lost ones follow their father Satan.

Jesus made it so clear in John 10:10, telling us that we have an enemy that is out only to steal, kill, and destroy. Then he contrasted himself to that saying that he had come that we might have life more abundant. God is not responsible for all the evil in the world, Satan is.

When men choose to follow Satan instead of God, we released evil into the world that God gave to us. When the period of time in which God gave the earth to man is over, God will take it back and there will be no more pain, or tears. Until then we have to operate in faith, getting in agreement with God, for him to actively work in our lives.

 

[Pilkington]

Zoii I wanted to reply to two things you said in two different posts. I believe you are right rape is not really about sex. It is about power and control and as you said men getting a kick out of being violent to someone who is vonurable and they can over power. These are sick individuals as are those who are sexually attracted to under age children, they are NOT real men.

I totally understand how you could feel abandoned by God and also how you are angry at got. God is big enough to take your anger. You have done nothing to offend God, I know it wont feel like he was there when you were there and attacked but he was. It is normal to wonder why God would allow something like this to happen? Why do bad things happen to good people? etc There are no easy answers and it is so much harder when you have been through something so terrible. However I agree with visje and shotgunner, it happens because we have been given free will by God. We can choose to do good or we can choose to do evil.

Just wanted to say we are here for you. 1 Corinthians 12v26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. You are suffering and as the body of believers we are suffering with you.

 

[kaylagrl]

I have been thinking about writing this for some time but have been quite fearful of it. I can be very fragile at times and I do a lot of work with a counsellor. But I have an issue that is just growing in my brain that I cant stop thinking about... Its building like a pressure in my head.

Not long before my 13th birthday I was walking home from school... I always walk home with friends... this day I didnt. I was grabbed from behind and punched so hard in the face i wasnt really fully conscious. I was grabbed by the throat and raped by a man in his 40s. Apparently I had been screaming n had been punched several times in the face fracturing my cheek/eye socket and jaw. I was hurt...really hurt. I was strangled and would likely have been murdered if this evil man hadnt been disturbed. Its left me with issues I struggle with and self harm has been a part of it plus a deep fear of men.

Unlike most of my friends, I'm not really attracted to anyone n dont want a b/f. Recently I had received attention from a girl and I guess I had my first feelings of... I guess love...not physical but I sure adored her - Oh and believe me I fully know what the position here is about it - theres plenty of threads here about same sex attraction - goodness knows i dont need it to be re-stated.

The man who hurt me was caught and gaoled and I was not his first victim. However that evil rapist after just under 3 years will have his first parole review. A policeman told my father he states he is now a christian which will improve his chances of parole. My fear is that not only this evil man will be at some point released, but as a christian he will be welcomed into the loving arms of jesus and this community. His past will be fogtten and he will live in heavan with God.... while I, even though I have and will continue to love god and be a good person, will be spurned by jesus and this community and cast to hell if I ever act on my feelings for this girl. I cry over this - it feels such a bitter injustice.... being a good person seems to amount to nothing n being evil doesnt matter either as long as at some point u repent..... for a person in my position- it cuts me deeply. I swing between staying strong, getting depressed or getting angry. There just doesnt seem to be any justice in this.... and then to be told I should marry and let the man lead.... ugh..thats a whole other story...

First Im very sorry about your story and what happened to you.The Bible talks about being righteously indignant,angry,and that is how I feel about your story and other women on here.I have a cousin who is a prison chaplain and he is very wise,very discerning and he knows when people are lying.Its a common thing for a criminal to say "Ive found God" but they've heard this a thousand times before and I think it does little to change their minds.

When you talked about this rapist getting forgiveness from God,you must understand that God looks at the heart.He knows if someone is truly sorrowful for the sin they have committed.He knows if its just an excuse they are using.Either way he has a debt to pay to society.I'll say this...If this man truly came to Christ and became a Christian he would not ask for early parole.He would take his punishment because he was so sorrowful for the wrong he committed. He wouldnt feel like he deserved mercy.That is a person that genuinely becomes saved. My guess is this guy is using religion as a get out of jail free card.A lot of them do it and Im sure its easily seen though.

Lastly as to your feeling attraction I think its too soon for you to feel anything.It will take time to heal as other women here have said.Its natural that you are looking for comfort and also that you cant find that in a guy right now.You've been horribly abused,misused and betrayed by a man,it only makes sense that you'd find comfort in a woman right now.I dont think its a lesbian attraction,I think you cant decipher your feelings right now. Right now you're like a little bird with a broken wing,not really sure who to trust.It would be best if you could find a good Christian friend that could just pray for you when you need that support.A woman can take advantage of you just as much as a man can.So you must be careful that you are not further abused by someone else seeing that you are vulnerable just now.Whether you marry later in life you cant know just now. My husband is 6'4 and 220,I feel pretty safe with him around. And we have a 100%,100% marriage.No one lords authority over the other,we share all household duties and he'd rip the arms off anyone who hurt me.So dont form your opinion of men yet.There are some wonderful ones out there.Give yourself time to heal.

Well I said lastly but like Miss Lynn it seems I cant shut up. Im really,really glad you were able to post this outside the teen forum and see so much love and support from adults.Ive defended you here before and Im so glad to see the gentle responses.I hope you are a little encouraged too.I wish we had all been there and been able to save you from that evil,evil man. I personally believe in capitol punishment for these crimes but thats another story. One thing you know,you are so strong,and with Gods help you will daily become stronger.The evil man did not win,you did.He couldnt conquer your spirit,he couldnt keep you down,he couldnt change the beautiful person you are.God knows right where you are and he will heal that broken wing and you will fly again.You my girl,will fly higher than ever before.You are an inspiration to other women.You have an open heart.You are a blessing.Keep walking with God,you will be glad you did.

 

[zoii]

@ Kaylagrl - Oh I was so touched by this. This was so gently written. I feel very touched ty very much. Everyone has been so kind and I was nervous about what reaction I would get. I accept totally everything u have said. As for my sexuality - I am not even sure I have a sexuality - I just liked being liked with someone I felt safe with - as it turned out that was misguided but that's another story. I know how I feel may change so I accept what you've said.

I am trying hard not to sink back into black days... I don't wanna be the angry or sad teen... I wanna be not so serious all the time n ...sigh...I dunno...just be like I use to be. So I have stopped facebooking with other cutters n anas, n I don't usually hang out with them too. I love the group I was in but I cant go their path anymore. My path is different now

TY for ur reply n for the kindness u always extend. Your a lovely person
Zoii

 

[RickyZ]

@atwhatcost - didn't you feel abandoned? I'd hear how god knows all and controls all... honestly I don't know how many times I have sworn at God. If he can do whatever, then why was he such a bystander... what did I ever do (or other innocent people) that offended him..... Im a bit better with this and others have commented on this in this thread.... but when things are down and I am battling not to cut, I find this an outrageous betrayal,... so much so that the suggestion that I should forgive is horrible.... even though I know in my brain its for my own good.

The issue here is that God really isn't in charge here. He gave authority over creation to man, we then handed it off to satan. In the here and now that's where we sit... suffering under the current rulers of this world.

Now, in the spiritual Jesus has regained authority but has yet to return to enforce it. Right now, that's our job - to enforce God's authority in Jesus' Name, like a Deputy enforces the Sherriff's authority. God didn't abandon you - He never has and never will - but there was no one there to intercede and bring His authority to the situation. Yeah I know - where's a cop when you need one, right?

The trick is now, for you to take hold of Christ's authority and start enforcing it against the remnants of this attack that still linger with you. And to be available is an intercessor for someone else whom satan is planning to attack.

And like others have said, rape is not about sex. It's about power and control. Someone who does this kind of thing is angry because they have no power or control. Thus they must take it violently.

From what I read here Zoii, I think you're going to be alright. Between the head on your shoulders and the spirit in your heart, you're much too big for this to hold you down and keep you back!

 

[Angela53510]

Zoii, I am so grieved to hear that this was done to you. And it really was not about sex, all rape is about POWER. Of course, to you, it was about sex and violence and violation. But to that pedophile rapist, it was only about a weak man trying to make himself feel powerful.

And you, you are strong and powerful in Christ. Despite the pain, the damage, you are finding support and help, both in real life and on here. That is the beginning of healing. And especially the prayers of God's people.

So I will just end with a prayer, and encourage you to PM me if you want to talk about his a little more.

"Heavenly Father, I pray for Zoii, that you would make your presence real to her - in the day, and in the dark hours of the night. Comfort her, give her your strength, your hope and let her feel your love and care. Encourage her when the bad thoughts come, and help her to be transformed, not because of this rape, but in spite of it. I thank you that you are the great Healer, and I would pray for your touch upon Zoii - that she might know she can rest and find peace in you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

Here is one of my favourite scriptures that has helped me through many a hard time!

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

 

[kaylagrl]

@ Kaylagrl - Oh I was so touched by this. This was so gently written. I feel very touched ty very much. Everyone has been so kind and I was nervous about what reaction I would get. I accept totally everything u have said. As for my sexuality - I am not even sure I have a sexuality - I just liked being liked with someone I felt safe with - as it turned out that was misguided but that's another story. I know how I feel may change so I accept what you've said.

I am trying hard not to sink back into black days... I don't wanna be the angry or sad teen... I wanna be not so serious all the time n ...sigh...I dunno...just be like I use to be. So I have stopped facebooking with other cutters n anas, n I don't usually hang out with them too. I love the group I was in but I cant go their path anymore. My path is different now

TY for ur reply n for the kindness u always extend. Your a lovely person
Zoii

I think you can see that though we havent met you we are all concerned for you,a lot of love coming your way. <3 You may have hard days but dont stop there. Keep walking.Any of us who have suffered depression know this. On those dark days come here or to the teen forum and someone here will pray for you and talk you through it.Im so glad you didnt leave us.Hopefully now people will be more gentle and understand where you are coming from. Focus on healing and God.Satan wants you to hurt yourself, to get depressed and fall into despair. Dont fall for it. Keep reaching out for help.Ladies here that have been through the same thing will help you as much as they can Im sure. Im glad you came here and glad you stayed.You have a sweet spirit,dont let anyone take that away from you. You have a testimony to share with others.Let God use you to help others,it will help you heal. Blessings on you!