Husband, New Babies, More Drama!!!

[christianwife87]

Hello! I haven't been on here in a while but last year I made a few threads about the issues between my husband and I.

Here's what happened since:

My husband and I we're still going through our problems but decided to work on our marriage, we did counseling with some of our married church members and that didn't really work, because he was still lying and I stopped trying after that.

I ended up getting pregnant , conceiving on February 14 2015, and I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with twins.
The day before I found out I was pregnant we got into a little altercation and he ended up getting arrested for having warrants.
When I found out I was pregnant my heart dropped because I had started my filing for divorce and I didn't feel like we were going to last long, I was ready to give up.

His sister and I don't get along because for some odd reason she doesn't like me, but never took the time to get to know me.
But she called me to see if I had money to bail my husband out, I quickly said no, he needs to learn his lesson, he gets angry quick and I'm not saving him, I am pregnant and I have other responsibilities now. She quick responded asking was I pregnant by her brother, I answered that's my husband who else would I be pregnant by? I ended the conversation quickly.

So I called him while he was in jail and told him I was pregnant, he was in shock but we agreed we would try harder on our marriage for the sake of the family, we still love each other it's just certain things I will not tolerate anymore.
He came home I showed him the positive pregnancy forms and he quickly told his mother, he came to me and asked if he can have a copy of my pregnancy test to give to his mother, I said no. This is none of her business to have a copy of my information.

Weeks pass by and we find out we are having twins. Months pass by and we got into an argument, I told him to leave because he wasn't helping around the house, he left. My friend came to help me out around the house, her and I went to the gas station and ran into him he pretended he didn't know me, pregnant and all, I ignored him and I left. My friend and I went to the gas station a couple days later and he was trying talk to me, but decided to call a female and argue with her as if they we're together. It hurt me so bad. I'm here pregnant and working children a job with 2 other children and your cheating!
I started to visit abortion clinics because I was so upset, I felt no motherly connection with my unborn and I hated him so bad, I didn't want to have his babies.
He ended up coming back home and me being vulnerable, let him.

Months go by, I try to surprise him with a 3d ultrasound to find out what we are having, I invited his mother and tried to invite my family, but he felt I was putting his mother in an uncomfortable situation being around my family. His mother wanted to be in the room with me and and my other 2 children. His mother chose not to come because she thought I was setting her up.

He made the surprise the worst experience ever, the ultrasound techs were uncomfortable, we argued, it was horrible. I tried to make myself feel better because I was a little depressed about having these babies in am unstable marriage, so I tried to go baby shopping to get myself excited, he wanted to argue in the store.

He ended up getting into some trouble with some dangerous people who thankfully didn't hurt women and children and he left me and moved to Texas with his sister, he didn't even care about our safety.

He ended up coming home a week later.

I made the decision to give these babies my last name, because of the things he's put me through, because our marriage is unstable, because my kids have my last name and because I never changed my last name to take on his. Also I feel like none of his family member like me because of the things that he's told them about me to make himself look like a victim and make me look bad. Why should I give my children his last name? He is now telling me if I don't give the children his last name then to basically divorce him.


I want to know what I should really do, am I wrong?

 

[MollyConnor]

Leave the guy. He's just causing you drama and pain from being around him. Don't give in to him. He is obviously not right with God and you are about to have two children who are going to need a Christian, healthy and positive atmosphere.

Also, the babies are entitled to their father's last name. Whether he is a good father or not, that is their dad and you shouldn't deprive them of that. Whatever is going on between both of you shouldn't affect them. I know it will, but you should aim for it to not be so severe.

You don't want them to feel like illegitimate children, do you? What if someday they want to know who their descendants are? God made the man and woman to be able to have children and in our society, children get their father's last name. He didn't make it to where the children can be made by the woman herself. She needs the man and the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader. This means that the babies should get the dad's last name even if he isn't a very good person.

Honey, I know you feel wronged and probably very horrible but please think about that for a minute. Think about your babies. Don't bring them into this world wanting to hate their father, bring them in with love and positivity. At the same time, practice wisdom and know when to draw the line and I think it's time to drawn it from this man. Until you see him completely change (going to church, reading the Word, positivity, no prison, patience etc.) then you can give him another chance. But until that happens just focus on the children.

I hope everyone goes well. God bless you, sister!

 

[blue_ladybug]

I agree with Molly. Divorce the jerk and move on with your life. He sounds like an insecure, wishy washy mama's boy. As far as these babies' last name, they do NOT need to have his last name in order to know he's their dad..

 

[Dan58]

Yes, I believe your wrong and you've done several things wrong.. There's 2 sides to every story, but judging from what you've written, a divorce might be just what the doctor ordered, for his sake as well as yours. Who's last name the children have would seem to be the least of your problems. jmo

 

[christianwife87]

Yes, I believe your wrong and you've done several things wrong.. There's 2 sides to every story, but judging from what you've written, a divorce might be just what the doctor ordered, for his sake as well as yours. Who's last name the children have would seem to be the least of your problems. jmo

I agree, but that's the
problem, he's making the last names a big issue. But I feel like he doesn't deserve that, he has not been there for me throughout my pregnancy, my doctor even admitted he seems childish. Its to the point where my doctor doesn't think it's a good idea for him to be in the room when the babies are born.

 

[christianwife87]

I agree with Molly. Divorce the jerk and move on with your life. He sounds like an insecure, wishy washy mama's boy. As far as these babies' last name, they do NOT need to have his last name in order to know he's their dad..

He really is, we've argued about his mother and his sister being in the labor room, he thinks this is all about the babies, I feel like I'm being used just to have these babies! Like I told Dan my doctor has witnessed this drama, because he starts drama in public and does not care who's watching. So my doctor and I are restricting his family from visiting , and they will not be in the labor room. His family h as s done nothing for my twins, while on the other hand my family has came to my home, cleaned my home, took me grocery shopping, bought the car seats, bassinets for both babies, clothes, wipes and diapers. My own church who my husband doesn't even deal with anymore, threw me a surprise baby shower. While on the other hand my husband has only bought a $10 outfit for one baby and a $5 hat with baby booties for the other. He says I haven't done anything, but I've spent over $1000 on my babies as well as my other children. It only seems fair by to me that the babies have my last name!

 

[christianwife87]

Leave the guy. He's just causing you drama and pain from being around him. Don't give in to him. He is obviously not right with God and you are about to have two children who are going to need a Christian, healthy and positive atmosphere.

Also, the babies are entitled to their father's last name. Whether he is a good father or not, that is their dad and you shouldn't deprive them of that. Whatever is going on between both of you shouldn't affect them. I know it will, but you should aim for it to not be so severe.

You don't want them to feel like illegitimate children, do you? What if someday they want to know who their descendants are? God made the man and woman to be able to have children and in our society, children get their father's last name. He didn't make it to where the children can be made by the woman herself. She needs the man and the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader. This means that the babies should get the dad's last name even if he isn't a very good person.

Honey, I know you feel wronged and probably very horrible but please think about that for a minute. Think about your babies. Don't bring them into this world wanting to hate their father, bring them in with love and positivity. At the same time, practice wisdom and know when to draw the line and I think it's time to drawn it from this man. Until you see him completely change (going to church, reading the Word, positivity, no prison, patience etc.) then you can give him another chance. But until that happens just focus on the children.

I hope everyone goes well. God bless you, sister!

Thank you for your response, I understand what your saying, and I do agree that part of this is from anger, but most of it is from him lacking to be there for me as a husband and also as a father, I don't feel he deserves that. I don't think my children will feel "illegitimate " because I'm not restricting them from seeing there father, I'm just not giving the last name. I also don't want my children around his family because I don't know them and I don't trust them, and based off of his past childhood, from what he's told me, they do not need to be around children.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hmm.. It's up to the doctors and you, as to who will be in the labor room with you. Some hospitals don't allow anyone in, others may allow one or two people. Your hubby is a selfish, dramatic person who enjoys being the center of attention and treated like the victim he tries to portray himself as. As far as last names go, like another poster said, that's the least of your worries right now. BUT, if you want these babies to have your last name, then do it. And when these babies grow up and want to know who their relatives are, then as long as they know HIS last name, they can access ancestry.com or where ever to find their ancestors. Talk with your doctor BEFORE you give birth. Make it clear to him you do NOT want hubby or his family in the labor room, and you do NOT want his last name on their birth certificates. When the time comes, as far as hospital visitors afterward, you can request to have YOUR family members ONLY, to visit you and the maternity ward.

Start filing divorce papers, hopefully they will be final before you give birth. Sadly, it seems hubby really doesn't care much about these babies, so state that in your papers, and ask for full custody, with supervised visits for him. Good luck.

 

[christianwife87]

Hmm.. It's up to the doctors and you, as to who will be in the labor room with you. Some hospitals don't allow anyone in, others may allow one or two people. Your hubby is a selfish, dramatic person who enjoys being the center of attention and treated like the victim he tries to portray himself as. As far as last names go, like another poster said, that's the least of your worries right now. BUT, if you want these babies to have your last name, then do it. And when these babies grow up and want to know who their relatives are, then as long as they know HIS last name, they can access ancestry.com or where ever to find their ancestors. Talk with your doctor BEFORE you give birth. Make it clear to him you do NOT want hubby or his family in the labor room, and you do NOT want his last name on their birth certificates. When the time comes, as far as hospital visitors afterward, you can request to have YOUR family members ONLY, to visit you and the maternity ward.

Start filing divorce papers, hopefully they will be final before you give birth. Sadly, it seems hubby really doesn't care much about these babies, so state that in your papers, and ask for full custody, with supervised visits for him. Good luck.

Yeah I had a previous visit with my doctor and her and I had a long talk about it, he wasn't at the appointment, but it's just sad that I have to take a stress test along with them giving the unborn a stress test because of everything I've allowed him to put me through. I already started the divorce filings earlier this year before I found out I was pregnant, I signed the final papers in may of this years but by then my attorney says they cannot proceed until the babies are born and they will go through a custody battle, they are helping me get full custody with supervised visitation. But until the babies are born they can't do anything.

 

[sandtigeress]

first oh congrats on your babies.
Hope all will be well and that your husband either grows up
or that you will have him out of your life soon (divorce and custody).

Would it be possible for him to go to a therapy for him, to deal with that attention drama issue.
It sounds exhausting, and you can never rely on him.

Prayers are with you.

 

[MollyConnor]

I hate that I'm bringing this up but coming from someone that was born out of wedlock, I'm glad my mother gave me my father's last name. And my dad is nothing to be proud of. He was in jail for a few years, he cheated on my mom, had kids with other women, etc. But nonetheless he is my dad and I love him and will be there for him if he ever needs me. He's never asked for forgiveness, and probably never will, but my mom, brother and I have forgiven him and we are okay now.

If my mom hadn't given me his last name, I would have felt robbed or like a bas#$%@. Please don't do that to your kids. The kids are his whether you like that or not.

In the end it's your decision, but I'm just telling you how I feel about it. God bless!

 

[Naz01]

Hi, I. Don't think the last name is an issue.. It does not really matter who's name the babies have... From experience, when my kids where born they had my last name due to the fact that things where also rocky in my marriage. The reason my marriage was rocky was because of his mom who use to like interfering.. She was very close to my husband who is her eldest and never liked the fact that now he had a wife... She tried her utmost best to seperate us... Even went as far as finding him someone else,but because of the love we had for each other no matter what she did we overcame it...
There where times when he could not tel his mom where to get off, and that caused a lot of friction in our marriage,that when I fell pregnant I decided I will have my kids on my last name,because I didn't want his mom to have a hold on them.. But when we worked on our marriage and when she was finally out of meddling in our lives, (which was years later),then we changed the kids names to his last name.

My point is, do what u feel is best,because at the end its your decision and not his families..and seeing as he is not there for u or the babies, why must they get his last name... Its not about just having a last name,its about the principles behind it... U not a loving or caring father but u want your kids to have your last name,and for what?.. Many women out are married and still use their maiden surname... And the kids are not classed or ridiculed...

I hope and pray things work out for u,,,
God bless!..

 

[Angela53510]

Your husband sounds like he has borderline and maybe dependent personality disorder. Google it to see if the symptoms fit. Most people with personality disorders do not get a diagnosis, because they will not see a psychiatrist unless they are depressed. If they are having their cake and eating it too, they will not get help. It is very hard to change a personality disorder, because that is who they ARE! And most don't care, don't want to change. Even if they do want to, it takes years of therapy, and hard work.

Just so you see that the reason he hasn't changed, despite all the numerous chances you have given him, is because he can't and he won't. His mom created this situation, from what you have said. Of course, I am not hearing his point of view, but if even half of what you say is true, it is time to file for divorce, and move away from this man and his family.

He is engaged in "crazy making." Trying to warp your world. Check this one out and see if it applies. Some people might describe him as a sociopath, instead of just a PD.

CrazyMaking: Domestic Abuse Intended To Cause Self-Doubt

Of course, you can hang around forever and let him destroy your children mentally, emotionally and maybe physically. To say nothing of you!

On the topic of last name, why would you want to give this loser's last name to your babies? If you divorce him, he will have to go to the courts to get access. He sounds so spoiled he may not do it, unless it is to spite you. And then, he probably won't follow through with support and seeing them. Good riddance!

Let them have your last name. If somehow he ever changed, you could add his name as a hyphen so they would have both names. You are going to be raising them, and how much easier to deal with school, medical, etc if they have the same last name as you. That is just practical.

I would also go for a protective order for yourself, and add the twins to it when they are born. That way he cannot see them or you. He doesn't deserve to see them or you.

Sorry to be so harsh, but everything you have said just makes my blood boil!

 

[kaylagrl]

Hello! I haven't been on here in a while but last year I made a few threads about the issues between my husband and I.

Here's what happened since:

My husband and I we're still going through our problems but decided to work on our marriage, we did counseling with some of our married church members and that didn't really work, because he was still lying and I stopped trying after that.

I ended up getting pregnant , conceiving on February 14 2015, and I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with twins.
The day before I found out I was pregnant we got into a little altercation and he ended up getting arrested for having warrants.
When I found out I was pregnant my heart dropped because I had started my filing for divorce and I didn't feel like we were going to last long, I was ready to give up.

His sister and I don't get along because for some odd reason she doesn't like me, but never took the time to get to know me.
But she called me to see if I had money to bail my husband out, I quickly said no, he needs to learn his lesson, he gets angry quick and I'm not saving him, I am pregnant and I have other responsibilities now. She quick responded asking was I pregnant by her brother, I answered that's my husband who else would I be pregnant by? I ended the conversation quickly.

So I called him while he was in jail and told him I was pregnant, he was in shock but we agreed we would try harder on our marriage for the sake of the family, we still love each other it's just certain things I will not tolerate anymore.
He came home I showed him the positive pregnancy forms and he quickly told his mother, he came to me and asked if he can have a copy of my pregnancy test to give to his mother, I said no. This is none of her business to have a copy of my information.

Weeks pass by and we find out we are having twins. Months pass by and we got into an argument, I told him to leave because he wasn't helping around the house, he left. My friend came to help me out around the house, her and I went to the gas station and ran into him he pretended he didn't know me, pregnant and all, I ignored him and I left. My friend and I went to the gas station a couple days later and he was trying talk to me, but decided to call a female and argue with her as if they we're together. It hurt me so bad. I'm here pregnant and working children a job with 2 other children and your cheating!
I started to visit abortion clinics because I was so upset, I felt no motherly connection with my unborn and I hated him so bad, I didn't want to have his babies.
He ended up coming back home and me being vulnerable, let him.

Months go by, I try to surprise him with a 3d ultrasound to find out what we are having, I invited his mother and tried to invite my family, but he felt I was putting his mother in an uncomfortable situation being around my family. His mother wanted to be in the room with me and and my other 2 children. His mother chose not to come because she thought I was setting her up.

He made the surprise the worst experience ever, the ultrasound techs were uncomfortable, we argued, it was horrible. I tried to make myself feel better because I was a little depressed about having these babies in am unstable marriage, so I tried to go baby shopping to get myself excited, he wanted to argue in the store.

He ended up getting into some trouble with some dangerous people who thankfully didn't hurt women and children and he left me and moved to Texas with his sister, he didn't even care about our safety.

He ended up coming home a week later.

I made the decision to give these babies my last name, because of the things he's put me through, because our marriage is unstable, because my kids have my last name and because I never changed my last name to take on his. Also I feel like none of his family member like me because of the things that he's told them about me to make himself look like a victim and make me look bad. Why should I give my children his last name? He is now telling me if I don't give the children his last name then to basically divorce him.


I want to know what I should really do, am I wrong?

This may be too personal a question,I hope it doesnt sound rude but why did you have relations with your husband knowing your marriage was on the rocks.I was waiting for someone to ask you this. You say he doesnt care about the babies,he's cheating on you and he lets his family walk all over you.So why,pray tell,would you put yourself in the situation of being tied to him with more children? Did you expect any different from him? What he did to you is not your fault but you put yourself in a very bad situation by getting pregnant.You'd do your children and yourself a favor if you got a divorce. The drama between you sounds very immature.If counseling wont work and hes refusing its past time to walk away.

 

[christianwife87]

Hi, I. Don't think the last name is an issue.. It does not really matter who's name the babies have... From experience, when my kids where born they had my last name due to the fact that things where also rocky in my marriage. The reason my marriage was rocky was because of his mom who use to like interfering.. She was very close to my husband who is her eldest and never liked the fact that now he had a wife... She tried her utmost best to seperate us... Even went as far as finding him someone else,but because of the love we had for each other no matter what she did we overcame it...
There where times when he could not tel his mom where to get off, and that caused a lot of friction in our marriage,that when I fell pregnant I decided I will have my kids on my last name,because I didn't want his mom to have a hold on them.. But when we worked on our marriage and when she was finally out of meddling in our lives, (which was years later),then we changed the kids names to his last name.

My point is, do what u feel is best,because at the end its your decision and not his families..and seeing as he is not there for u or the babies, why must they get his last name... Its not about just having a last name,its about the principles behind it... U not a loving or caring father but u want your kids to have your last name,and for what?.. Many women out are married and still use their maiden surname... And the kids are not classed or ridiculed...

I hope and pray things work out for u,,,
God bless!..

Thank you for your response, we have a lot in common I see. My thoughts exactly, I feel he has not been doing his job as a husband and a father, I don't feel he deserves it at all. He left me 3 times during this pregnancy, he's drove the gas out of my tank and left me stranded, he's called me out of my name, he's also told me I don't deserve to have his children.

 

[christianwife87]

Your husband sounds like he has borderline and maybe dependent personality disorder. Google it to see if the symptoms fit. Most people with personality disorders do not get a diagnosis, because they will not see a psychiatrist unless they are depressed. If they are having their cake and eating it too, they will not get help. It is very hard to change a personality disorder, because that is who they ARE! And most don't care, don't want to change. Even if they do want to, it takes years of therapy, and hard work.

Just so you see that the reason he hasn't changed, despite all the numerous chances you have given him, is because he can't and he won't. His mom created this situation, from what you have said. Of course, I am not hearing his point of view, but if even half of what you say is true, it is time to file for divorce, and move away from this man and his family.

He is engaged in "crazy making." Trying to warp your world. Check this one out and see if it applies. Some people might describe him as a sociopath, instead of just a PD.

CrazyMaking: Domestic Abuse Intended To Cause Self-Doubt

Of course, you can hang around forever and let him destroy your children mentally, emotionally and maybe physically. To say nothing of you!

On the topic of last name, why would you want to give this loser's last name to your babies? If you divorce him, he will have to go to the courts to get access. He sounds so spoiled he may not do it, unless it is to spite you. And then, he probably won't follow through with support and seeing them. Good riddance!

Let them have your last name. If somehow he ever changed, you could add his name as a hyphen so they would have both names. You are going to be raising them, and how much easier to deal with school, medical, etc if they have the same last name as you. That is just practical.

I would also go for a protective order for yourself, and add the twins to it when they are born. That way he cannot see them or you. He doesn't deserve to see them or you.

Sorry to be so harsh, but everything you have said just makes my blood boil!

Thank you for your response, yes I feel that I am not wrong either, but I want them to know their father, I just don't feel like we get along enough to make this marriage work and I don't want my kids born into the drama.

 

[christianwife87]

This may be too personal a question,I hope it doesnt sound rude but why did you have relations with your husband knowing your marriage was on the rocks.I was waiting for someone to ask you this. You say he doesnt care about the babies,he's cheating on you and he lets his family walk all over you.So why,pray tell,would you put yourself in the situation of being tied to him with more children? Did you expect any different from him? What he did to you is not your fault but you put yourself in a very bad situation by getting pregnant.You'd do your children and yourself a favor if you got a divorce. The drama between you sounds very immature.If counseling wont work and hes refusing its past time to walk away.

I agree, at one point in time, I wanted the marriage to work and despite his wrong doings I just kept praying, he started to do right for a while, that was when I got pregnant, but after he found out he went crazy as if he felt because I was pregnant that I would go anywhere. It was difficult for me because I wanted to abort my babies, I couldn't do it because twins are a blessings, his family I've always ignored, but I have plenty of fault in allowing him to do certain things in our marriage, but now I just really want to be by myself with my kids and take care of them. Being with him feels like I have an extra child, but I'm getting my relationship back with God and just focusing on being a better me.

 

[kaylagrl]

I agree, at one point in time, I wanted the marriage to work and despite his wrong doings I just kept praying, he started to do right for a while, that was when I got pregnant, but after he found out he went crazy as if he felt because I was pregnant that I would go anywhere. It was difficult for me because I wanted to abort my babies, I couldn't do it because twins are a blessings, his family I've always ignored, but I have plenty of fault in allowing him to do certain things in our marriage, but now I just really want to be by myself with my kids and take care of them. Being with him feels like I have an extra child, but I'm getting my relationship back with God and just focusing on being a better me.

There are always two sides to a marriage.But from what you are saying he isnt holding up his end of the vows in any way.He's not being faithful,he allows his family to be involved in your decisions and wont take responsibility for his children. You really are alone in the marriage and Im sure that has to be hard being pregnant on top of that. Its sad it has come down to divorce but your husband hasnt shown that he wants to fight for you and his children and be willing to change.Maybe once he realizes you mean what you say and are leaving perhaps he will wake up and change,take responsibility. I did not mean to blame you but it kind of begged the question as to why you got pregnant with your marriage so unstable.I know,we always hope things will change,and they may yet. But you need to let him know you are not taking any more of his abuse. You dont deserve it,your children dont deserve it.

 

[christianwife87]

There are always two sides to a marriage.But from what you are saying he isnt holding up his end of the vows in any way.He's not being faithful,he allows his family to be involved in your decisions and wont take responsibility for his children. You really are alone in the marriage and Im sure that has to be hard being pregnant on top of that. Its sad it has come down to divorce but your husband hasnt shown that he wants to fight for you and his children and be willing to change.Maybe once he realizes you mean what you say and are leaving perhaps he will wake up and change,take responsibility. I did not mean to blame you but it kind of begged the question as to why you got pregnant with your marriage so unstable.I know,we always hope things will change,and they may yet. But you need to let him know you are not taking any more of his abuse. You dont deserve it,your children dont deserve it.

Yeah I totally agree, but I also do understand that I have faults too, because a lot of things could've been done but I was just stuck in a hard place and I took my marriage so seriously I just wanted to make it work. When I go pregnant he was more into me than I was into him and then he just changed really quick. He does try to involve his family in things too, they don't even think my unborn twins are his kids, they are telling him to get a DNA test. I told him, if he wanted one to know for himself that's fine, but he knows me better than that, he just listens to his family. I've never cheated on him and I've always been honest, I've even been so honest to tell him that yes I TRIED to cheat but I couldn't do it. Its just to much for me especially right now.

 

[kaylagrl]

Yeah I totally agree, but I also do understand that I have faults too, because a lot of things could've been done but I was just stuck in a hard place and I took my marriage so seriously I just wanted to make it work. When I go pregnant he was more into me than I was into him and then he just changed really quick. He does try to involve his family in things too, they don't even think my unborn twins are his kids, they are telling him to get a DNA test. I told him, if he wanted one to know for himself that's fine, but he knows me better than that, he just listens to his family. I've never cheated on him and I've always been honest, I've even been so honest to tell him that yes I TRIED to cheat but I couldn't do it. Its just to much for me especially right now.

Family should never have a say in a marriage unless they are invited in,by both partners.Family will always take sides.The Bible makes it clear,you are both responsible for decisions in your children and marriage.The family should have no say whatever.From the sounds of it he doesnt deserve the DNA test.He'll find out when he has to pay child support.I think you need to treat yourself with more respect. You need to focus on your children and yourself.If he grows up,great.But the games need to stop.You need to let him know you're done.Be a man or go back home to mommy.His choice.I hope things start turning around for you soon.The closer you're moving to God the better your life will be.Mainly,take care of yourself.