Responding appropriately...

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crosstweed

Guest
#1
#1
There's this guy I sometimes run into at different places (usually social events)... I'm not interested in him, but he's a flirt (I'm putting it somewhat mildly; he's a bit of a womanizer) and just good-looking enough to get me flustered sometimes. I don't think I've ever initiated conversation with him, but it seems he goes out of his way to cross paths with me sometimes and make me uncomfortable, including but not limited to sideways jokes about my name (I have the misfortune of having a name that people associate with a word for a disreputable individual. I'm not uptight about it, and if someone honestly finds humor in it and isn't just being mean, I don't mind - but he does this to deliberately set the tone of the conversation). In fact, in our first conversation (we were at the dinner table and he was, unfortunately, seated between me and the exit), it was one of the first things out of his mouth, along with questions about whether or not I had a boyfriend.

I'm generally pretty amiable and tolerant of people, so I don't want to be unnecessarily rude, and I don't want to seem uptight and unable to handle a joke or being flirted with, but at the same time I absolutely do not want this guy thinking he can take liberties, conversationally or otherwise, with me. I don't think he is really interested in me -- I think I just amuse him, like one kid picking on a littler kid.

So I would appreciate feedback, especially from the guys, about how to handle this. What do I say, and how do I saying it without seeming either flimsy and easily swayed, or like a prude who takes herself too seriously?
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#2
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#2
Calmly turn it around on him. Ask him to explain why he feels doing whatever he does is necessary. Phrase it so that he has to come up with an explanation of his speech of behavior. Keep it short, simple, and direct.

EXAMPLE. "Why do you feel it is necessary to ridicule my parent's and grand parent's family name by calling me ______?"

Don't let him sidestep you, keep going right back and re-ask that same question each time he tries.
 
C

crosstweed

Guest
#3
#3
Willie-T said:
Calmly turn it around on him. Ask him to explain why he feels doing whatever he does is necessary. Phrase it so that he has to come up with an explanation of his speech of behavior. Keep it short, simple, and direct.

EXAMPLE. "Why do you feel it is necessary to ridicule my parent's and grand parent's family name by calling me ______?"

Don't let him sidestep you, keep going right back and re-ask that same question each time he tries.
Click to expand...
Thank you! That's a good idea. I'm trying to think it out ahead of time so I don't get caught off guard, get angry, and possibly insert my foot into my mouth, giving him more fuel.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
Decide if you want to stand your ground or let him keep doing it. It's always best to try and not be rude or insulting, but learning to be assertive, which means knowing when you have no choice but to step on toes and doing so, is always the ideal approach. You have already taught this guy he can get away with the way he talks to and treats you. So you have an uphill battle retraining him and using boundaries. But it can be done. You just have to be more worried about how you're spoken to than what he thinks of you.
 
Roh_Chris

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
#5
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#5
crosstweed said:
So I would appreciate feedback, especially from the guys, about how to handle this. What do I say, and how do I saying it without seeming either flimsy and easily swayed, or like a prude who takes herself too seriously?
Click to expand...
Have a witty comeback ready for the next time he says that. Something along the lines of, "Man, is that the only thing you could come up with?", or, "How original!". Say that with a smirk and you will put some burn on his face. Later, when he is smarting, elbow him playfully and say, "Chin up, bro, aren't you used to getting snubbed like that?"

When a girl calls a guy "bro", it will make him wet his pants. I am not kidding. I tremble with fear whenever my girlfriend calls me "bro". -.-

Edited to add: If he chooses to ignore your retort and continues with his talk, you should say, "You should see your face right now, it has BURNT written all over it" and start chuckling.
 
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crosstweed

Guest
#6
#6
Ugly said:
Decide if you want to stand your ground or let him keep doing it. It's always best to try and not be rude or insulting, but learning to be assertive, which means knowing when you have no choice but to step on toes and doing so, is always the ideal approach. You have already taught this guy he can get away with the way he talks to and treats you. So you have an uphill battle retraining him and using boundaries. But it can be done. You just have to be more worried about how you're spoken to than what he thinks of you.
Click to expand...
I do fully intend to be assertive... A major part of the problem was that I was completely taken by surprise because, although I'd never talked to him before he'd seemed like a nice person, and was half-expecting for one of my friends (and especially my host, who was sitting right there) to come to my rescue... Silly me. They didn't, which kind of made me a little disappointed in them since all of this was taking place in their house. I just want my approach to be cool and even-tempered and well thought out because (a) I don't want to look like a pushover, and (b) I don't want to look like an emotional psycho (that is, to the people watching - if he were to think I'm a psycho, that could be to my advantage).

Something I really like about Willy-T's suggestion: it completely draws the conversation away from all innuendo and directly into, "Dude, you just insulted my family name..."
 
B

blondieindahouse

Banned
#7
Jun 23, 2015
1,990
37
0
#7
Assertive open ended questions are always best for individuals like that . Like willie said;ask in a way that he cannot answer briefly and bring it back around if he dodges your question. Get in his space too. Take a step forward and keep eye contact. This helps to send a message that you have had it! :p
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#8
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#8
crosstweed said:
There's this guy I sometimes run into at different places (usually social events)... I'm not interested in him, but he's a flirt (I'm putting it somewhat mildly; he's a bit of a womanizer) and just good-looking enough to get me flustered sometimes. I don't think I've ever initiated conversation with him, but it seems he goes out of his way to cross paths with me sometimes and make me uncomfortable, including but not limited to sideways jokes about my name (I have the misfortune of having a name that people associate with a word for a disreputable individual. I'm not uptight about it, and if someone honestly finds humor in it and isn't just being mean, I don't mind - but he does this to deliberately set the tone of the conversation). In fact, in our first conversation (we were at the dinner table and he was, unfortunately, seated between me and the exit), it was one of the first things out of his mouth, along with questions about whether or not I had a boyfriend.

I'm generally pretty amiable and tolerant of people, so I don't want to be unnecessarily rude, and I don't want to seem uptight and unable to handle a joke or being flirted with, but at the same time I absolutely do not want this guy thinking he can take liberties, conversationally or otherwise, with me. I don't think he is really interested in me -- I think I just amuse him, like one kid picking on a littler kid.

So I would appreciate feedback, especially from the guys, about how to handle this. What do I say, and how do I saying it without seeming either flimsy and easily swayed, or like a prude who takes herself too seriously?
Click to expand...
Step 1: Completely ignore him like you didn't even hear what he said. Even if he tries to make conversation with you, ignore him like you're giving him the silent treatment (because you are).

Step 2: If/when he starts getting pushy or asking why you're ignoring him, say these words... "Leave me alone." If he tries to get in your way or grabs your arm or anything... kick him where it hurts! And hard! Guys like that should not be having children anyway..

Also, if you haven't already, I'd recommend taking some self-defense classes. They can come in handy when dealing with guys like that.
 
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CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#9
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#9
"and I was so looking forward to chatting with you because I thought you might have some new material. Oh well..my bad."

and then wander off.

 
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#11
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#11
crosstweed said:
There's this guy I sometimes run into at different places (usually social events)... I'm not interested in him, but he's a flirt (I'm putting it somewhat mildly; he's a bit of a womanizer) and just good-looking enough to get me flustered sometimes. I don't think I've ever initiated conversation with him, but it seems he goes out of his way to cross paths with me sometimes and make me uncomfortable, including but not limited to sideways jokes about my name (I have the misfortune of having a name that people associate with a word for a disreputable individual. I'm not uptight about it, and if someone honestly finds humor in it and isn't just being mean, I don't mind - but he does this to deliberately set the tone of the conversation). In fact, in our first conversation (we were at the dinner table and he was, unfortunately, seated between me and the exit), it was one of the first things out of his mouth, along with questions about whether or not I had a boyfriend.

I'm generally pretty amiable and tolerant of people, so I don't want to be unnecessarily rude, and I don't want to seem uptight and unable to handle a joke or being flirted with, but at the same time I absolutely do not want this guy thinking he can take liberties, conversationally or otherwise, with me. I don't think he is really interested in me -- I think I just amuse him, like one kid picking on a littler kid.

So I would appreciate feedback, especially from the guys, about how to handle this. What do I say, and how do I saying it without seeming either flimsy and easily swayed, or like a prude who takes herself too seriously?
Click to expand...

I mean...physical violence or cold responses normally get the point across for most guys...



 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#12
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#12
crosstweed said:
I do fully intend to be assertive... A major part of the problem was that I was completely taken by surprise because, although I'd never talked to him before he'd seemed like a nice person, and was half-expecting for one of my friends (and especially my host, who was sitting right there) to come to my rescue... Silly me. They didn't, which kind of made me a little disappointed in them since all of this was taking place in their house. I just want my approach to be cool and even-tempered and well thought out because (a) I don't want to look like a pushover, and (b) I don't want to look like an emotional psycho (that is, to the people watching - if he were to think I'm a psycho, that could be to my advantage).

Something I really like about Willy-T's suggestion: it completely draws the conversation away from all innuendo and directly into, "Dude, you just insulted my family name..."
Click to expand...
Oh ok, then next time he insults your name you can just say, "Really?? Are you like 12 years old?" then shake your head as you walk away.. or if there's no chance of offending any mentally disadvantaged folk nearby you could say, "Really?? Are you like retarded or something?"
 
C

coby

Guest
#13
#13
crosstweed said:
There's this guy I sometimes run into at different places (usually social events)... I'm not interested in him, but he's a flirt (I'm putting it somewhat mildly; he's a bit of a womanizer) and just good-looking enough to get me flustered sometimes. I don't think I've ever initiated conversation with him, but it seems he goes out of his way to cross paths with me sometimes and make me uncomfortable, including but not limited to sideways jokes about my name (I have the misfortune of having a name that people associate with a word for a disreputable individual. I'm not uptight about it, and if someone honestly finds humor in it and isn't just being mean, I don't mind - but he does this to deliberately set the tone of the conversation). In fact, in our first conversation (we were at the dinner table and he was, unfortunately, seated between me and the exit), it was one of the first things out of his mouth, along with questions about whether or not I had a boyfriend.

I'm generally pretty amiable and tolerant of people, so I don't want to be unnecessarily rude, and I don't want to seem uptight and unable to handle a joke or being flirted with, but at the same time I absolutely do not want this guy thinking he can take liberties, conversationally or otherwise, with me. I don't think he is really interested in me -- I think I just amuse him, like one kid picking on a littler kid.

So I would appreciate feedback, especially from the guys, about how to handle this. What do I say, and how do I saying it without seeming either flimsy and easily swayed, or like a prude who takes herself too seriously?
Click to expand...
Hey do you know Jesus? Can I pray for you? My mom was so good in this. She was married and this man tried to flirt with her all the time. You just have to be distant and don't laugh when he makes a joke or has such a comment. Let him know you don't like it. He told her she was a religious prude or something but hey she took him to church and he got saved.
 
C

coby

Guest
#14
#14
Roh_Chris said:
Have a witty comeback ready for the next time he says that. Something along the lines of, "Man, is that the only thing you could come up with?", or, "How original!". Say that with a smirk and you will put some burn on his face. Later, when he is smarting, elbow him playfully and say, "Chin up, bro, aren't you used to getting snubbed like that?"

When a girl calls a guy "bro", it will make him wet his pants. I am not kidding. I tremble with fear whenever my girlfriend calls me "bro". -.-

Edited to add: If he chooses to ignore your retort and continues with his talk, you should say, "You should see your face right now, it has BURNT written all over it" and start chuckling.
Click to expand...
35830678.jpg
..........
 
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#16
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#16
Roh_Chris said:
Have a witty comeback ready for the next time he says that. Something along the lines of, "Man, is that the only thing you could come up with?", or, "How original!". Say that with a smirk and you will put some burn on his face. Later, when he is smarting, elbow him playfully and say, "Chin up, bro, aren't you used to getting snubbed like that?"

When a girl calls a guy "bro", it will make him wet his pants. I am not kidding. I tremble with fear whenever my girlfriend calls me "bro". -.-

Edited to add: If he chooses to ignore your retort and continues with his talk, you should say, "You should see your face right now, it has BURNT written all over it" and start chuckling.
Click to expand...
 
posthuman

posthuman

Senior Member
#17
Jul 31, 2013
38,120
13,681
113
#17
try to bring up your fiancé

I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.
(2 Corinthians 11:2) ​

and how He probably doesn't share the same opinion about how clever his little comments are.
:)


 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#20
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#20
One small reminder. "Assertive", does not mean "aggressive."
 
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