Where to go from here, months after infidelity, new Christian

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M

mightymidget

Guest
#1
#1
My spouse and I have been together for 2 1/2 year, but only married since March 21, 2015. In July she started to have an affair with a coworker and even after being accused for month denied it and even guilt tripped me. I have been cheated on many times in the past so I believe maybe I was just being paranoid. She slowly became more and more distant and in October was just showing too many obvious signs and I checked her phone. I discovered the affair as she left all of the text messages on her phone. Afterward I was definitely not stable in my emotions and had to go back to work. We are both military and live apart, though I just moved closer. I have been going to therapy since October, but she just recently started mid-December. She refuses to go to couples therapy and she seems to drift in and out of closeness with me. Anymore she wants to try and start back at the very basics of dating, and seems to be wanting to go out with her work friends and make friends more (the guy has been fired and she has distanced from him). The guy has recently been sending us both emails I believe to make trouble. I have been attending marriage seminars and counseling still. I started reading the bible and devotionals back in December because I have a pull to fight for my marriage, but was at a loss for why. It just felt like the right thing to do, like it's what I was suppose to do. Anyone who has known me for 10 years knows the life I used to live and knows that I had become different the last few years after constant cheating partners. I attended church for the first time today since I was a child and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I have admitted my shortcomings in my relationship and my wife filled out dissolution of marriage papers in October, but still holds on to them not getting them signed. At this point I do not know what is going on and though I am praying and reading and saying I accept that He will lead me along my path I am finding that I still have fear of losing my wife and trouble not wanting to have control. Any words of advice on any of this? Sorry it is so long...
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#2
Jun 30, 2015
25,802
13,951
113
#2
Hi Mightymidget, and welcome to CC!

If I read your post correctly, you are a brand-new Christian? Praise the Lord, and welcome to the family!

Your marriage situation sounds very painful. I can't relate to all of your story, but I've been through a marriage breakup. It sounds like you are still living with your wife, despite the infidelity. I think you're doing things right, trying to deal with yourself and getting help. The difficulty is that you can't fix the situation, and God doesn't guarantee that He will either. What he does guarantee is that He will be with you constantly.

Is your wife a Christian? If not, is she open to you sharing your faith? Pray for her, that God's conviction would come on her. That is the only way this will resolve well. I'll pray for you as well.
 
M

mightymidget

Guest
#3
#3
Correct and thank you!

My wife and I are not living together, we live 2.5 hours apart as we are both military and stationed separately. Unfortunately, she hardly seems to give me time. I do keep shooting myself in the foot and the partner she had will not leave us alone, which makes me have trouble. She also, only wants to do individual counseling and not couples counseling.

She was raised Catholic and the guy she was seeing has her believing she is Agnostic all of a sudden. In other words she is not open to sharing spirituality with me much at all right now. I have been trying to pray for her, but am hoping to find the right way to do it now. Thank you for your prayers!
 
P

pwrnJC

Banned
#4
Dec 1, 2014
1,430
27
0
#4
Here is the perfect scenario for you: Your newborn CHRISTIANITY will sustain you through this as you grow spiritually and now walk with JESUS CHRIST, having His Holy Spirit within you, giving you comfort, peace and guidance. Start praising JESUS CHRIST NOW, so that your focus is on HIM...when that happens, HE speaks and directs in Supernatural ways just for you!
Here is what is true at the moment: You don't have a GODLY marriage. You can pray, fast, cry, beg God for your wife to turn to HIM...but she has to do this entirely on her own. Yes, it hurts, it stings and it is tormenting you. However, just as you chose JESUS on your own free will, so must she. Period. What can you do until then? Forgive her, as she has NO deep abiding FAITH in JESUS CHRIST. If she is seeking a separation and/or divorce...listen to her. To get a divorce means that you have to be legally separated for a year. Separation is a testing time. If it's meant to be, it will happen, one way or another. My brother separated from his wife. They got back together one day before the divorce was to be finalized. They are going strong now more than ever! Yes, they both are CHRISTIAN and living that lifestyle, praise GOD! It takes two in a marriage. Not one trying to hold onto one who cares less to make it as two.
 
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mightymidget

Guest
#5
#5
Thank you very much for the advice and that is what I am trying to do is just give her space and pray for her. I am on day 39 of "The Love Dare" and have read several other books and watched the "Fireproof" movie. She asked for the divorce back in October after I found out and admitted she thought I was suppose to fight for her when she asked for it. Since then I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me. She has the papers filled out, but has yet to give them to me. I do not believe she truly wants the divorce. I believe she is having trouble forgiving herself and understanding how I can forgive her and want to be with her still. I have accepted that we are all human and flawed, but GOD understands that. If we were all perfect as Him then we would not have needed Jesus Christ to come die on the cross for us.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#6
#6
mightymidget said:
Thank you very much for the advice and that is what I am trying to do is just give her space and pray for her. I am on day 39 of "The Love Dare" and have read several other books and watched the "Fireproof" movie. She asked for the divorce back in October after I found out and admitted she thought I was suppose to fight for her when she asked for it. Since then I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me. She has the papers filled out, but has yet to give them to me. I do not believe she truly wants the divorce. I believe she is having trouble forgiving herself and understanding how I can forgive her and want to be with her still. I have accepted that we are all human and flawed, but GOD understands that. If we were all perfect as Him then we would not have needed Jesus Christ to come die on the cross for us.
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Keep your church friends close that can encourage you. You have an uphill battle,satan doesn't want you or your wife serving God. He will pull out every lie in the book to get you to change your mind. If you have a close Christian friend ask them to be your prayer partner. You work on getting closer to God and your wife will notice,she'll see a new creation and she will be curious.

There are a lot of good books on Christian marriages,Id read all I could on how to have a Godly marriage. Stay in counseling and work through your issues and let your wife work through hers. Dont push her,stay calm. Let God work on her through your witness. Sometimes being a silent witness is the best. By that I mean show God to her,dont beat her with the Bible. Believe that God has good plans for you,you're just going through the fire right now. Gods an on time God. Learn to patiently wait on him.
 
M

mightymidget

Guest
#7
#7
Thank you kaylagrl,

I have some devout Christian friends but they have been my friends for a decade and unfortunately do have a little bias in this situation. I have been meeting new people that are helping. My therapist seems to have a Christian background but I'm not sure hers does.

I have read "The Five Love Languages", "The Love Dare" and am reading "The Things I wish I knew before marriage" along with a few other Christian books someone gave me at church yesterday. I wish she would attend couples counseling but maybe that is me pushing her past her own issues too soon? Staying calm and giving space is definitely something I've been having issues with. im thinking of doing as she asked and going back to the very basics of dating like she's been asking...
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#8
#8
mightymidget said:
Thank you kaylagrl,

I have some devout Christian friends but they have been my friends for a decade and unfortunately do have a little bias in this situation. I have been meeting new people that are helping. My therapist seems to have a Christian background but I'm not sure hers does.

I have read "The Five Love Languages", "The Love Dare" and am reading "The Things I wish I knew before marriage" along with a few other Christian books someone gave me at church yesterday. I wish she would attend couples counseling but maybe that is me pushing her past her own issues too soon? Staying calm and giving space is definitely something I've been having issues with. im thinking of doing as she asked and going back to the very basics of dating like she's been asking...
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You dont want to be the one doing the pushing. You want her to come to you. The more pressure you add the further away you'll push her. Do what she asks with out complaining as much as is possible. If she wants romance and dating,do that. She needs to see a different you. Yes,you both have issues but if you want to keep your marriage she is going to have to see you are making a change, that you are making a serious effort. Fight for you wife,not with her.Just my advice.
 
M

mightymidget

Guest
#9
#9
I found out about the affair in October and she's been all over the place and it keeps throwing me off. Though I am trying to be different I feel the lack of time makes it hard to show that, but I guess it also shows me just wanting to get what I want still. I'm trying to completely back off right now but feel I should still try to get a date as well. I'm afraid she's going to enjoy hanging out with these "friends" and meet someone and that makes me anxious. She already cut out the guy from the affair. My thought right now is to send her a letter in the mail with a playdoh flower I make and ask her to a date on Friday and then just go about as if it was our first date ever. We live 2 1/2 hours apart and so it adds complication. I feel if she wanted the divorce she wouldn't be holding back with the papers...

I appreciate your advice very much!
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#10
#10
mightymidget said:
I found out about the affair in October and she's been all over the place and it keeps throwing me off. Though I am trying to be different I feel the lack of time makes it hard to show that, but I guess it also shows me just wanting to get what I want still. I'm trying to completely back off right now but feel I should still try to get a date as well. I'm afraid she's going to enjoy hanging out with these "friends" and meet someone and that makes me anxious. She already cut out the guy from the affair. My thought right now is to send her a letter in the mail with a playdoh flower I make and ask her to a date on Friday and then just go about as if it was our first date ever. We live 2 1/2 hours apart and so it adds complication. I feel if she wanted the divorce she wouldn't be holding back with the papers...

I appreciate your advice very much!
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Yes! Do that,ask for a date. Romance her and treat her like its the first date all over again. Never mind other men.You won her heart before,do it again! You need to start at square one. Be silly if you have to. Chocolates, stuffed toy,hold her hand if she'll allow that. She needs to see you are trying. If she talks about wrong you've done admit it and tell her you are working to change. Fighting about who did what now will not serve your purpose. You need to be the man she fell in love with when you married. And not just temporarily either to get her back.You need to work to win her love back. Then you can go from there.
 
M

mightymidget

Guest
#11
#11
Should I do that even if she isn't talking to me right now? I've been hearing she wants to know she loves me and isn't just in love with my son and to feel those butterflies again, I just felt it was too basic. I've not been changing just to get her back but have been admitting my shortcomings and changing. Guess I was still being stubborn and wanting it to go back to how it was also. I think I'm afraid of my son being affected by her staying away too long, and really I'm letting all my fears interfere...holidays haven't helped. She expressed me giving her space over over Christmas (she went to her moms alone) had helped. She went to a party with friends for New Years without me and now we have Valentine's Day, her birthday and our anniversary all coming up...so to the basics? You suggest reaching out even though she isn't talking to me right now? The guy from the affair recently decided to do things to cause strife.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#12
#12
mightymidget said:
My spouse and I have been together for 2 1/2 year, but only married since March 21, 2015. In July she started to have an affair with a coworker and even after being accused for month denied it and even guilt tripped me. I have been cheated on many times in the past so I believe maybe I was just being paranoid. She slowly became more and more distant and in October was just showing too many obvious signs and I checked her phone. I discovered the affair as she left all of the text messages on her phone. Afterward I was definitely not stable in my emotions and had to go back to work. We are both military and live apart, though I just moved closer. I have been going to therapy since October, but she just recently started mid-December. She refuses to go to couples therapy and she seems to drift in and out of closeness with me. Anymore she wants to try and start back at the very basics of dating, and seems to be wanting to go out with her work friends and make friends more (the guy has been fired and she has distanced from him). The guy has recently been sending us both emails I believe to make trouble. I have been attending marriage seminars and counseling still. I started reading the bible and devotionals back in December because I have a pull to fight for my marriage, but was at a loss for why. It just felt like the right thing to do, like it's what I was suppose to do. Anyone who has known me for 10 years knows the life I used to live and knows that I had become different the last few years after constant cheating partners. I attended church for the first time today since I was a child and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I have admitted my shortcomings in my relationship and my wife filled out dissolution of marriage papers in October, but still holds on to them not getting them signed. At this point I do not know what is going on and though I am praying and reading and saying I accept that He will lead me along my path I am finding that I still have fear of losing my wife and trouble not wanting to have control. Any words of advice on any of this? Sorry it is so long...
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We have no control. Never did, never will. Feel better?

Awwwww! Yeah, I know feels like you just crested the highest summit of a rollercoaster, so I really do understand it doesn't feel better -- at first. But God is in control, so it's a wild ride with a purpose.

I know you're new in the Lord, but I recommend reading the book of Jonah. (I don't usually suggest this as one of the first books to read, but it seems right here.) It won't tell you your answer to this question, but it does give you a principle about following God that makes it much easier if we learn sooner than later. (I'm still learning later, so I know.) Niveah was to Jonah what ISIS and the Taliban are to Americans, aka the last people in the world we would seek to save. You're on your own Jonah trip (still on the ship, so that's good.) You're going through what you don't want to go through, but even this is God working out something good in you. That's not to say I know how this turns out for you. I really don't. I just know if you read Jonah, by the end of this you won't be cowering under a wilting weed in the desert. (Ha! Now you really have to read the book to figure out what I'm talking about. lol)

And after that, read Romans 8:28. You'll need it. You need it now, but if you do both, you'll get more out of Romans 8:28. (You can peek at 8:28 now, just to get the moral of the story of Jonah and the moral of your story forever.)

As for the answer you want -- which is pretty much "Fix this mess now?" I truly sympathize. I'm going through my own version of "this just can't be happening." There is only one answer. God. His speed isn't our speed, but his speed is always always perfect timing. Cling. Learn. Study. Pray. Seek. Repeat, (and not necessarily in that order but keep doing all of that as often as possible.) He already chose you. He's keeping you as long as you persevere.

You were never in control. You've recently met and fell in love with the one who is -- God. It's going to be a wild ride but it's worth it.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#13
#13
pwrnJC said:
Here is the perfect scenario for you: Your newborn CHRISTIANITY will sustain you through this as you grow spiritually and now walk with JESUS CHRIST, having His Holy Spirit within you, giving you comfort, peace and guidance. Start praising JESUS CHRIST NOW, so that your focus is on HIM...when that happens, HE speaks and directs in Supernatural ways just for you!
Here is what is true at the moment: You don't have a GODLY marriage. You can pray, fast, cry, beg God for your wife to turn to HIM...but she has to do this entirely on her own. Yes, it hurts, it stings and it is tormenting you. However, just as you chose JESUS on your own free will, so must she. Period. What can you do until then? Forgive her, as she has NO deep abiding FAITH in JESUS CHRIST. If she is seeking a separation and/or divorce...listen to her. To get a divorce means that you have to be legally separated for a year. Separation is a testing time. If it's meant to be, it will happen, one way or another. My brother separated from his wife. They got back together one day before the divorce was to be finalized. They are going strong now more than ever! Yes, they both are CHRISTIAN and living that lifestyle, praise GOD! It takes two in a marriage. Not one trying to hold onto one who cares less to make it as two.
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BTW, there is little truth in this reply. Many marriages start with no believers, yet both become believers over the years. Free will has nothing to do with salvation. We never come to God on our own. God brings us. This is just a legalistic, self-righteous viewpoint posing as a knowledgeable answer.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#14
#14
mightymidget said:
Thank you very much for the advice and that is what I am trying to do is just give her space and pray for her. I am on day 39 of "The Love Dare" and have read several other books and watched the "Fireproof" movie. She asked for the divorce back in October after I found out and admitted she thought I was suppose to fight for her when she asked for it. Since then I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me. She has the papers filled out, but has yet to give them to me. I do not believe she truly wants the divorce. I believe she is having trouble forgiving herself and understanding how I can forgive her and want to be with her still. I have accepted that we are all human and flawed, but GOD understands that. If we were all perfect as Him then we would not have needed Jesus Christ to come die on the cross for us.
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Spend your time reading and studying the Bible, not self-help books. At best, self-help books are watered down stuff from the Bible. At worse they aren't biblical at all, even if the writer claims to be a Christian.
 
Blain

Blain

The Word Weaver
#15
Aug 28, 2012
19,832
2,885
113
#15
Depleted said:
BTW, there is little truth in this reply. Many marriages start with no believers, yet both become believers over the years. Free will has nothing to do with salvation. We never come to God on our own. God brings us. This is just a legalistic, self-righteous viewpoint posing as a knowledgeable answer.
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Free will has everything to do with salvation, the father may call us and he may do everything in his power to draw us to him but in the end we choose he never makes us love him. if free had nothing to do with it then all men would be saved
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#16
Feb 21, 2014
70,940
9,691
113
#16
Blain said:
Free will has everything to do with salvation, the father may call us and he may do everything in his power to draw us to him but in the end we choose he never makes us love him. if free had nothing to do with it then all men would be saved
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I respectfully disagree with you, Blain. :) Free will has NOTHING to do with salvation. Our free will does NOT save us. What saves us is admitting that Jesus is our Lord and Savior, and declaring that we believe he died for our sins. Free will does not make us declare that statement. Even someone who hasn't accepted God yet, can still love him but not be saved. We can choose whether to be saved or not, but that choice is NOT a requirement for salvation. We are saved by grace through faith, NOT free will. JMO
 
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purpose

Guest
#17
#17
Love & Prayers To You And Your Son And Your wife!!!!!!! Keep Praying! Thank you For your Service!
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#18
#18
mightymidget said:
Should I do that even if she isn't talking to me right now? I've been hearing she wants to know she loves me and isn't just in love with my son and to feel those butterflies again, I just felt it was too basic. I've not been changing just to get her back but have been admitting my shortcomings and changing. Guess I was still being stubborn and wanting it to go back to how it was also. I think I'm afraid of my son being affected by her staying away too long, and really I'm letting all my fears interfere...holidays haven't helped. She expressed me giving her space over over Christmas (she went to her moms alone) had helped. She went to a party with friends for New Years without me and now we have Valentine's Day, her birthday and our anniversary all coming up...so to the basics? You suggest reaching out even though she isn't talking to me right now? The guy from the affair recently decided to do things to cause strife.
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Im not a counselor.I wouldnt want to suggest you do anything to put your marriage in further danger. I wouldn't think there is any harm in reaching out to her. She is still your wife. Its hard not to let fear get the best of you. Again,find a brother in the Lord to be your prayer partner. Ask God to reveal what the next step is.You dont want to rush ahead. But if she has mentioned the idea of dating I would follow her lead. If she is asking for romance then that may be a good sign. Get the other man out of her mind. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side. She feels butterflies and excitement,the same feeling she had when she first met you. So you need to remind her of those feelings. That is just advice from someone who is an unprofessional.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#19
#19
Depleted said:
Spend your time reading and studying the Bible, not self-help books. At best, self-help books are watered down stuff from the Bible. At worse they aren't biblical at all, even if the writer claims to be a Christian.
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I never told him not to read the Bible,I told him to pray and get closer to God. Ive read several Christian books on marriages and they certainly Biblically based. The book on love languages was an excellent book by Christians on marriage. You cant reject something out of hand that you haven't read for yourself. Ive read several books by Christians on marriage and many pastors recommend them to couples having issues.I read them before I married and Im glad I did.Great advice.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#20
#20
Blain said:
Free will has everything to do with salvation, the father may call us and he may do everything in his power to draw us to him but in the end we choose he never makes us love him. if free had nothing to do with it then all men would be saved
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John 3. If you want more exact (although I think the whole chapter and then some systematically explains it) John 3:16-21. John 6:35-40. If we willfully come to God then we would have willfully kept the letter and the spirit of his law, so Jesus never need come. We come, because he brings us. Otherwise our will saves us.

You forget, everything really is in God's power. Not like he is short of power on any particular thing, including on us.

Free will is a modern construct, not biblical construct.
 
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