Abusive Relationships and Religion this subject may be taboo but it happens

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jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#1
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#1
This subject is probably not one that many folks will want to talk about or can talk about but I think it is important
What does one do when they are in the cycle of abuse? one either stays out of fear or one leaves and does not look back.
I have been in an abusive relationship for over 20 years and It is not fun being stuck in a circle of being belittled treated horribly being scared and then to be loved and pampered and treated real good for a while. The fight phase and the honeymoon phase it goes round and round and good abusers now how to keep you trapped. A good abuser will make you feel guilty if you want to leave they will make you scared if you leave they have knocked all self respect away from you they will make you feel like no one will want you and that you will not survive on your own. Then for that Christian woman it is hard because your taught that you are to try to make relationships work no matter what and that divorce is sinful and bad. It makes you feel like a failure in your own eyes it makes you feel like you have failed GOD because you did not keep your husband happy. It is so hard to be in this place and I just want people to know they are not alone if they feel this way or have this going on and if they need help or want to talk or want advice that maybe her they can get some of that with out being judged. please if you post in here do not be judgmental no one knows another persons situation fears and etc... I am hoping this will help some other woman
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
Actually this is a fairly regular topic here on the site and often one that brings in a lot of people discussing it.

I Always encourage women in abusive relationships to divorce, as do many others here, though there are still those that insist you stay. I don't believe for one second that God's dislike for marriage outweighs His feelings towards abuse.
Once the man becomes abusive he has broken his wedding vows. And since abusers have a low rate of change its rare for a woman to stick around long enough to see him change. And it weakens her ability to stand up against the abuse that is needed to bring about the hope of change. So why stay stuck in a cycle of sin?
Funny how so many Christians think living in a lifetime of sin, and enabling another to do the same, is worse than risking a single sin (which I'm not convinced divorce is under these circumstances is a sin).
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,944
9,698
113
#3
jenniferand2 said:
This subject is probably not one that many folks will want to talk about or can talk about but I think it is important
What does one do when they are in the cycle of abuse? one either stays out of fear or one leaves and does not look back.
I have been in an abusive relationship for over 20 years and It is not fun being stuck in a circle of being belittled treated horribly being scared and then to be loved and pampered and treated real good for a while. The fight phase and the honeymoon phase it goes round and round and good abusers now how to keep you trapped. A good abuser will make you feel guilty if you want to leave they will make you scared if you leave they have knocked all self respect away from you they will make you feel like no one will want you and that you will not survive on your own. Then for that Christian woman it is hard because your taught that you are to try to make relationships work no matter what and that divorce is sinful and bad. It makes you feel like a failure in your own eyes it makes you feel like you have failed GOD because you did not keep your husband happy. It is so hard to be in this place and I just want people to know they are not alone if they feel this way or have this going on and if they need help or want to talk or want advice that maybe her they can get some of that with out being judged. please if you post in here do not be judgmental no one knows another persons situation fears and etc... I am hoping this will help some other woman
Click to expand...

​You need some clarification, Jennifer. There is no such thing as a "good abuser". :/ That phrase is an oxymoron, it contradicts itself. I suggest either you get out of your marriage, or get him some counseling. God doesn't want you being abused and treated like a door mat. He only treats you good sometimes, because he feels GUILTY. Then the guilt goes away and he treats you like dirt again.. And round and round the cycle goes. I've been there, done that. Never again.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
blue_ladybug said:
​You need some clarification, Jennifer. There is no such thing as a "good abuser". :/ That phrase is an oxymoron, it contradicts itself. I suggest either you get out of your marriage, or get him some counseling. God doesn't want you being abused and treated like a door mat. He only treats you good sometimes, because he feels GUILTY. Then the guilt goes away and he treats you like dirt again.. And round and round the cycle goes. I've been there, done that. Never again.
Click to expand...
Actually in her context the phrase 'good abuser' makes perfect sense. She didn't say he was an abuser that was a good person, she said he was good at abusing. A person who is good at abusing knows how to..... Just have to read the context of how she said it and it's pretty clear.
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#5
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#5
Thanks lady I would really like to leave I am just real scared I am waiting on a few things to happen so I can make it easier I think now it will be okay to leave I do not feel that he will hurt me or anything like that I just have some finances and etc. that need to get figured out and I may take a leap and try to start my life fresh i just have very few supporters so it will be hard I have not be alone in over 20 years
 
Utah

Utah

Banned
#6
Dec 1, 2014
9,701
252
0
#6
The first time a guy abuses a woman in my family will be his last.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#7
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#7
jenniferand2 said:
Thanks lady I would really like to leave I am just real scared I am waiting on a few things to happen so I can make it easier I think now it will be okay to leave I do not feel that he will hurt me or anything like that I just have some finances and etc. that need to get figured out and I may take a leap and try to start my life fresh i just have very few supporters so it will be hard I have not be alone in over 20 years
Click to expand...
Dangerous gamble. The next time may be one time too many. There are plenty of organizations out there to help. Humble yourself and go to them. Do it right away you know it is the right thing to do.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#8
Feb 21, 2014
70,944
9,698
113
#8
jenniferand2 said:
Thanks lady I would really like to leave I am just real scared I am waiting on a few things to happen so I can make it easier I think now it will be okay to leave I do not feel that he will hurt me or anything like that I just have some finances and etc. that need to get figured out and I may take a leap and try to start my life fresh i just have very few supporters so it will be hard I have not be alone in over 20 years
Click to expand...
I'm going to tell you what happened to another user here, who had an abusive fiancee. She joined last year and told us how he treated her badly, made her feel guilty, etc. She moved out and left him. Most of us encouraged her NOT to go back, but she felt that he'd never hurt her. Guess what? She went back to get some of her stuff, he tried to keep her from leaving again, and he assaulted her and broke and badly mangled her hand. She told us this while she was in the hospital, and that she needs surgery now and her hand is forever scarred. This all happened around Christmas, and she told us she was going to spend the holiday with her ex-husband and their son, so her psycho fiancee couldn't get to her. That's the last we've heard from her. No idea if she's okay, or if she's even still alive. :( My point in telling you this is, if you leave, DON'T GO BACK. Take everything you need with you. Don't become a victim like this other girl did.

Don't fall for his crocodile tears, or the classic "baby I'm sorry, it'll never happen again". It ALWAYS happens again. Like Ugly said, abusers have a low rate of not abusing anymore. It's a power trip for them, they like to be in control and they don't know how to stop abusing.Don't let fear keep you from leaving. Fear is not from God, or of God. Fear comes from the devil. Leave when he isn't home. Pack a bag and hide it somewhere, wait until he's gone, and get the heck outta there!! Don't leave a note, turn off your cell phone, if he's on bank accounts with you, get him taken off them so he can't get all the money. Go to a cheap motel and register under a fake name, that way he can't track you if you register as "Janet Jones" instead of under your real name. Make sure you take the kids with you. Then he can't lure you back by saying they miss you and want mommy back. Plan ahead, be smart, be safe, and good luck. :)
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#10
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#10
I will seriously think on this I am going to put a plan into place and try to get things straight my children are already out of the home so they are fine. I just need to find a place to go where I can start over and try to gain strength to keep away I left one time before and I felt guilty and lonely and scared etc.. and no one really helped me with that so I went back to him I now know this was a mistake but that is what happens sometimes
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#11
Feb 21, 2014
70,944
9,698
113
#11
Start saving up money because you're going to need it. Get divorce papers drawn up, and serve him with them AFTER you have left the home. Make sure you've got your checkbook, credit cards, cellphone, computer, etc with you. Change the passwords on your devices so he can't track you and see what you're doing. Change your cell number and give it ONLY to one or two family members. Block any calls or texts from him. Don't feel guilty because this isn't your fault. With God on your side, you'll be all right. :) And don't let loneliness make you go back. You'd only be going back to misery and believe me, misery is way worse than loneliness. Do as notuptome suggested, and get help from some organizations. They have shelters for women with children to go to. Take advantage of what they have to offer. Also, if you can, either borrow or rent a different car, so he doesn't go around town looking for yours. Just make sure it's a car that he won't recognize. Go as far away as you can, either a few cities away, or even a state away. The further the better, to keep him from tracking you down.
 
jenniferand2

jenniferand2

Senior Member
#12
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#12
I am not proud of what I let happen to me I was always the strong one when I was younger I was the protector to my younger sister when my dad would go crazy I swore I would never let it happen to me It is just awful that I did let it happen to me and then I let it go on for so long and then I justified it to myself I look back now and would just love to slap myself and say what are you doing.. Yes I need to save money and get things squared away. I have to bring my two dogs with me where I go they are my life and my best friends I could never part with them they keep me clam when I am upset and make me feel better when i am sad etc..
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#14
Mar 13, 2014
42,726
17,190
113
70
Tennessee
#14
jenniferand2 said:
Thanks lady I would really like to leave I am just real scared I am waiting on a few things to happen so I can make it easier I think now it will be okay to leave I do not feel that he will hurt me or anything like that I just have some finances and etc. that need to get figured out and I may take a leap and try to start my life fresh i just have very few supporters so it will be hard I have not be alone in over 20 years
Click to expand...
You have quite a few supporters on this site that are rooting for you. There is nothing like a fresh start on life. I pray that God will work all of this out for you.
 
C

christianguitarist

Senior Member
#15
Mar 4, 2011
109
4
18
#15
one word : leave !!! no matter what the cost .. life gets better when your away from psychopaths :) was in one for 27 years . praying for you .
 
I

integerlost

Banned
#16
Mar 23, 2016
128
0
0
#16
jenniferand2 said:
This subject is probably not one that many folks will want to talk about or can talk about but I think it is important
What does one do when they are in the cycle of abuse? one either stays out of fear or one leaves and does not look back.
I have been in an abusive relationship for over 20 years and It is not fun being stuck in a circle of being belittled treated horribly being scared and then to be loved and pampered and treated real good for a while. The fight phase and the honeymoon phase it goes round and round and good abusers now how to keep you trapped. A good abuser will make you feel guilty if you want to leave they will make you scared if you leave they have knocked all self respect away from you they will make you feel like no one will want you and that you will not survive on your own. Then for that Christian woman it is hard because your taught that you are to try to make relationships work no matter what and that divorce is sinful and bad. It makes you feel like a failure in your own eyes it makes you feel like you have failed GOD because you did not keep your husband happy. It is so hard to be in this place and I just want people to know they are not alone if they feel this way or have this going on and if they need help or want to talk or want advice that maybe her they can get some of that with out being judged. please if you post in here do not be judgmental no one knows another persons situation fears and etc... I am hoping this will help some other woman
Click to expand...
Now I talked to Jesus and he said to me. Anyone who abuses anyone is an unbeliever, ok. Because love does not abuse anyone, and those who do not love their fellow human do not love him. So what happens to those who do not love him?

So go

But don't look back, otherwise he can't do what needs to be done.
 
C

Church2u2

Guest
#17
#17
It's a horrible thing to be in an abusive relationship and a little talked about fact is sometimes women abuse men too. It may not always be physical but it sure can be verbal and psychological. I say to anyone in an abusive relationship to leave it as soon as possible and use law enforcement if you have too. No use hanging around hoping things will get better because they won't. Just go.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#18
Mar 13, 2014
42,726
17,190
113
70
Tennessee
#18
Church2u2 said:
It's a horrible thing to be in an abusive relationship and a little talked about fact is sometimes women abuse men too. It may not always be physical but it sure can be verbal and psychological. I say to anyone in an abusive relationship to leave it as soon as possible and use law enforcement if you have too. No use hanging around hoping things will get better because they won't. Just go.
Click to expand...
I'm in agreement with you.
 
Spoonfulofsugar

Spoonfulofsugar

Banned
#19
Mar 24, 2016
198
5
0
#19
blue_ladybug said:
​You need some clarification, Jennifer. There is no such thing as a "good abuser". :/ That phrase is an oxymoron, it contradicts itself. I suggest either you get out of your marriage, or get him some counseling. God doesn't want you being abused and treated like a door mat. He only treats you good sometimes, because he feels GUILTY. Then the guilt goes away and he treats you like dirt again.. And round and round the cycle goes. I've been there, done that. Never again.
Click to expand...
I think what she meant to say was an "expert" at manipulation and abusive behaviors.
 
Spoonfulofsugar

Spoonfulofsugar

Banned
#20
Mar 24, 2016
198
5
0
#20
jenniferand2 said:
This subject is probably not one that many folks will want to talk about or can talk about but I think it is important
What does one do when they are in the cycle of abuse? one either stays out of fear or one leaves and does not look back.
I have been in an abusive relationship for over 20 years and It is not fun being stuck in a circle of being belittled treated horribly being scared and then to be loved and pampered and treated real good for a while. The fight phase and the honeymoon phase it goes round and round and good abusers now how to keep you trapped. A good abuser will make you feel guilty if you want to leave they will make you scared if you leave they have knocked all self respect away from you they will make you feel like no one will want you and that you will not survive on your own. Then for that Christian woman it is hard because your taught that you are to try to make relationships work no matter what and that divorce is sinful and bad. It makes you feel like a failure in your own eyes it makes you feel like you have failed GOD because you did not keep your husband happy. It is so hard to be in this place and I just want people to know they are not alone if they feel this way or have this going on and if they need help or want to talk or want advice that maybe her they can get some of that with out being judged. please if you post in here do not be judgmental no one knows another persons situation fears and etc... I am hoping this will help some other woman
Click to expand...
A good abuser will make you feel guilty if you want to leave they will make you scared if you leave they have knocked all self respect away from you they will make you feel like no one will want you and that you will not survive on your own.
Click to expand...
An abuser is "good" because the one he abuses is allowing him to perfect his sickness. Jennifer, I have helped several women flee from abusive men. They were broken because in a sense they allowed it. I have always told people: YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU" Noone can "make" you feel one way or another. You choose to respond in the fashion that you do. If you think of it in these terms I think it will help you. If you havent fled from this destructive, sick relationship; you should! You need a support group in your area that will help you not only get on with your life w/o the abuser but you need them to encourage and uplift you as you heal and learn to develop healthy relationships. You have value and you can do all things through Christ! I pray that you pick up the phone book today and start on your journey to a better life. The time is now and the valuable loved person is YOU!

May the Lord give you wisdom and strength in your life. May he lead you on a straight path to a joyous peaceful life. Jesus protect this woman from evil. Amen

Blessings
\HUGS/
 
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