i cried earlier..

[Grace-Like-Rain]

To Grace like rain. Thank you. I so needed to read that. That is my daily battle. I feel i need a man to complete me. I have no idea why. I am yearnin for God to show me what he wants out of my life. I have been fighting anxiety and depression. Some days are a true struggle. Thank u for your words of wisdom.

I'm glad it helped, Tamtam! I think the "knowing" is the first HUGE step to correcting the problem. It's so easy to go through life just glossing over things like this, and never really pausing to consider why we feel the way we do, and what the ROOT of our behavior is. And nothing can change until we identify that root and start killing it.

For myself, my "need" is the approval of others. I seem to need others to approve of me, my decisions, my lifestyle, etc etc. I know in my brain that this isn't what God wants from me. He wants me to seek only HIS approval. But my flesh is weak. God is so patient with us. He knows what we struggle against. He is slowly correcting our thinking and refining us into more holy beings. He knows we don't want to be this way! We just have to keep working at it, and be patient with ourselves.

You must spread some reputation ....blah blah blah. Like it's my fault that I think certain people consistently write posts that deserve to be repped.

But now you've given me a horrible dilemma Grace. I don't know if I want to be more like you or more like Seoul when I grow up.

This really made my day Cinder! I feel the same way every time I see you posting something. And it's an honor to share that spot with Seoul! She's a hero of mine.

 

[MissCris]

No offense, but dressing like a hooker won't bring you anything but trouble. :/ So get rid of the tank tops, the short shorts, and most definitely get rid of the knee-high boots. Nobody wears those anymore. Or shouldn't..lol.. You didn't look attractive in that outfit, to the men you looked an easy prey to get into bed. :/ Outfits like that are what hookers wear, not young 18 year old girls. Men saw you and probably thought impure thoughts of their own. Start dressing more maturely for your age, your a young girl, not an adult woman.. As for men, I think you need to stay far away from them, since they make you lust. Last but not least, you need to capitalize God.

This young woman came in here vulnerable and already ashamed of herself...I don't think heaping more shame on her is the most helpful response when what she needs is guidance and love, particularly from women. Not every girl is raised in such a way as to understand the value of modesty, or even what dressing modestly means. Regardless of her clothing choice, I think compassion is in order here- imagine if this young woman walked into your church, tank top, shorts and all, clearly upset and in need of comfort and assurance that she is loved; would you welcome her, pray for her, and help her, or would you toss a jacket at her and tell her to cover herself up?

 

[blue_ladybug]

I wasn't heaping shame on her. I was, however, pointing out what she might not have realized: that her outfit probably wasn't the best one to wear in terms of how it might make men who saw her, think. I HAVE and AM praying for her, and if she came to my church or home, I'd try to help her, but I'd also offer her a change of clothes. She's 18, not 2. I'm pretty sure she has a good idea of what dressing modestly means. I told her what she needs to do: dress more maturely for her age, and avoid men since they make her lustful. So I DID try to help her. As for being loved, I'm sure she knows that she is, by family, friends and God..

 

[godsslife]

If you cannot deal with your own self how do you want to deal with another's aswell?? God cannot give you any man before you can stand on your own feet, especially emotionally.
I think you should distance yourself from a lot of Partying and Drunk people because you gotta grow in God before you can wear enough armor to do the right thing and not let things get through. God bless you sister

I dont party actually or hang with drunk people im 17 and i have good parents LOL so just incase you continue assuming a person's life ... but thanks

 

[godsslife]

This young woman came in here vulnerable and already ashamed of herself...I don't think heaping more shame on her is the most helpful response when what she needs is guidance and love, particularly from women. Not every girl is raised in such a way as to understand the value of modesty, or even what dressing modestly means. Regardless of her clothing choice, I think compassion is in order here- imagine if this young woman walked into your church, tank top, shorts and all, clearly upset and in need of comfort and assurance that she is loved; would you welcome her, pray for her, and help her, or would you toss a jacket at her and tell her to cover herself up?

finally someone with understanding and doesn't just judge someone from a post ! god is in you i can tell. god bless

 

[godsslife]

I don't have a lot to follow up on what Grace said but there are a few things I'm seeing in this post that I want to address. God isn't angry with you for messing up, he's not sitting up in heaven with lightning bolts and judgements waiting to unleash a huge storm of punishment on you as soon as an ungodly thought crosses your mind. Such thinking with its accompanying guilt, shame, and fear isn't God's way and won't be sufficient to lead you into the holy God pleasing life you desire to live (and it's great that you want to please God, just not so great that you seem to suffer from a crippling level of shame when you're only doing 60% or 80% better than you used to instead of 100%). God wants to forgive you, he took the initiative to make it possible, and he sees your progress (and is faithful to complete the work he started Psalm 138 : 8 and Philippians 1:6 if you want to take God's word for it and not mine).

The other thing I'd want to say is there's nothing ungodly or unspiritual about wanting a godly, pure relationship and marriage. Contrary to a lot of what I picked up in churches as a teen, our sex drive isn't something to be eliminated by becoming more spiritual. It's part of God's design and well best I can comment on it is probably to refer you to the book Your single treasure by Rick Stedman, really an excellent book on Christian singles and sexuality.

As for dealing with men in your day to day now though, I have a few suggestions. First would be another book that my good friend highly recommends. Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty: Dannah Gresh: 9780802439772 - Christianbook.com I haven't read it, but appreciated my friend's take on and passion for modesty. Also please be wary of older men showing interest in you. As flattering as the attention may be there are very few honorable and pure reasons for a guy older than college age to show romantic interest in you. You will do a whole lot of growing and changing over the next 5 to 10 years as you continue to transition from adolescence to adulthood. Save yourself a whole lot of heartache by deciding now not to get involved with a much older man during those years.

And though you're feeling pretty terrible about yourself and your failures right now; it sounds like you've made a lot of progress towards living a more holy life, don't forget to look back and celebrate how far you've come.

thanks sister. wise words. god bless

 

[godsslife]

No offense, but dressing like a hooker won't bring you anything but trouble. :/ So get rid of the tank tops, the short shorts, and most definitely get rid of the knee-high boots. Nobody wears those anymore. Or shouldn't..lol.. You didn't look attractive in that outfit, to the men you looked an easy prey to get into bed. :/ Outfits like that are what hookers wear, not young 18 year old girls. Men saw you and probably thought impure thoughts of their own. Start dressing more maturely for your age, your a young girl, not an adult woman.. As for men, I think you need to stay far away from them, since they make you lust. Last but not least, you need to capitalize God.

a hooker? sister i think you should use other words when trying to emphasize what you're implying ... it is a bit rude what you say i don't care how old or how experienced you are in life ... use kinder words and be understanding then we can talk like two adults but i don't really enjoy talking to someone who's not a child and talks like one to another woman who was going through something so if you're just worried about how i dressed that day don't be because i wore a big black cardigan over my clothes because i told myself i feel uncomfortable without it... so i also told myself that i won't ever dress like that again so i avoid uncomfortable situations like that day... i wasn't looking for what went through my mind already which i felt like a easy girl to get and etc and i was looking for great advice that would really help me and smart things to keep in mind not the freaking obvious that went through my mind due to shame..

 

[godsslife]

Godsslife,

I have pretty much been the opposite of what you describe in your posts my whole life. To be completely honest, for a good part of my life, I've wanted to be like you.

I'm the nerdy, nose-in-a-book girl... who always wished she was "the pretty one". The times in my life when I did attract a guy's attention (not for the way I dressed or looked, but usually because of my sense of humor and expression of thought), I often felt like I had to grab on to his interest and never let go, or else no other guy would ever pay attention to me again and I would forever be alone.

I can relate to a lot of what you've posted about (here and in other threads) from the perspective of receiving attention--maybe you feel you're getting too much of it, and someone like me always felt invisible, but the root of the feelings might be very similar--a preoccupation with attention. I always felt that without it, I'd be missing out, and would always be alone... But in your posts you point out that even having lots of attention doesn't cure loneliness or empty feelings, but in fact, can contribute to them. I am wondering how you would feel if all the attention stopped? Because I understand that it can be very addictive and hard to let go of.

I believe this is why so many people out there participate in things such as catfishing--they're addicted to the attention it brings them and cant' let it go.

I know one thing that's helped me, and I hope that maybe it can help you too, is to ask God to help you with the issue of attention. I'm still in that process myself. I feel very blessed to have friends, so for me, it's not about being the center of attention, but rather, a fear that I'll never attract the right man because I'm invisible next to the "pretty" girls with impressive careers and "too good to be true" lifestyles.

I keep asking God to change my heart, to make the things He sees as important be the most important to me instead of thinking I need to keep looking for the "the right one" when what my heart really needs to seek is "the right One" (meaning God.)

To be honest, I'm still struggling--a lot at times--but I know God has moved me into a place where I'm much calmer than I was before, and one of the great things is that I feel less and less of a need for people's approval. Most of the threads I write here are hypothetical discussions, not issues I'm actually struggling with in my own life, because God has been faithful to work with me.

And I know He'll help you too. I know it's been suggested to you a couple of different times in your threads, but finding an older Christian woman who can relate to what you're going through might be a real blessing!

Keep seeking, Godsslife. I know you probably feel like not many people understand. Having the courage to say, "God's blessed me with looks, and I'm not sure how to handle it," is a lot like someone who might say, "I have a lot of money, but I'm not sure how to handle it"--very few people, if any, will have sympathy on these types of situations because they themselves with they had more looks or money and don't think someone who has them could have "real" problems. Finding someone who is going through or has been through the same thing would really be helpful, because they would understand all the criticism you're going through as well.

But EVERYTHING that troubles us is valid to God (He says to cast ALL our cares on Him, not just the ones other people deem as "important enough"), and beauty is one of God's gifts (the Bible says Job's daughters, given in replacement of the ones he lost, were THE most beautiful in the land.)

We are all blessed with different things in different measures, and we ALL struggle with how to use those blessings in the correct way. Keep asking, seeking, and knocking, Godsslife.

You are not alone in your feelings, and God will not leave you with a gift He will not help you learn to use for His glory.

God bless you and *big hugs*.

thank you for your story sweetie it is great to see people posting their stories on my threads and being open minded. honestly from what you're telling me you are a beautiful girl to me outside beauty doesn't matter because you have what matters and its what in the soul, inside the person and to me that is beauty that no one can copy and i'd like to be reborn with no attention but have all that i need in me intelligence and all the positive things that can keep someone interested in you personality wise ... but thank you so much for your kind words and the understanding of what i was saying... god bless

 

[seoulsearch]

For the record, I wear tank tops and shorts on a regular basis during warm weather and at the gym, because I'm almost always warm and hate the feeling of being over-heated.

Sometimes the attention you get can simply be a matter of proximity and not always a matter of what you're wearing. For several years, I've lived in areas where the surrounding populations are much older than I am. Whether they're flirting or not, some of these men try to talk to me at times when I'm out and about. And the women who are these men's ages often look at me as if I'M the one dressing/acting like "a hooker", as Blue so candidly put it. These women are bitterly jealous that I'm the one being spoken to and not them.

The other day I was in Wally's World and had 3 young male clerks, probably in their mid-20's, ask me if I needed help, etc. They weren't asking the other women in the aisles. But again, it was because of proximity. Most people think I'm around 28ish, and I was the only female in their aisle who appeared to be close to their age. Most of the others all looked to be middle-aged to seniors.

What was I wearing? Jean shorts and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

We all know, whether man or woman, that it's God's will that we dress modestly, and if we're not, it's up to us to change that.

Personally, I don't feel I dress immodestly, and I react to the attention with a smile and an, "I'm ok, but thank you," and walk away. Now, if God wants me to dress differently, I'm sure He'll let me know. But otherwise, I know any of the criticism I receive from others, especially women, is usually based on their own insecurity.

And this is why I can sympathize well with Godsslife.

 

[godsslife]

For the record, I wear tank tops and shorts on a regular basis during warm weather and at the gym, because I'm almost always warm and hate the feeling of being over-heated.

Sometimes the attention you get can simply be a matter of proximity and not always a matter of what you're wearing. For several years, I've lived in areas where the surrounding populations are much older than I am. Whether they're flirting or not, some of these men try to talk to me at times when I'm out and about. And the women who are these men's ages often look at me as if I'M the one dressing/acting like "a hooker", as Blue so candidly put it. These women are bitterly jealous that I'm the one being spoken to and not them.

The other day I was in Wally's World and had 3 young male clerks, probably in their mid-20's, ask me if I needed help, etc. They weren't asking the other women in the aisles. But again, it was because of proximity. Most people think I'm around 28ish, and I was the only female in their aisle who appeared to be close to their age. Most of the others all looked to be middle-aged to seniors.

What was I wearing? Jean shorts and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

We all know, whether man or woman, that it's God's will that we dress modestly, and if we're not, it's up to us to change that.

Personally, I don't feel I dress immodestly, and I react to the attention with a smile and an, "I'm ok, but thank you," and walk away. Now, if God wants me to dress differently, I'm sure He'll let me know. But otherwise, I know any of the criticism I receive from others, especially women, is usually based on their own insecurity.

And this is why I can sympathize well with Godsslife.

thank you again sister... i myself don't dress immodest or inappropriate because im a shy girl im very elegant i love dresses i love heels and all those things i don't like short short things on me cause i feel the looks and im not gonna lie i have a good looking face to most so they'll look and i also exercise daily so you can connect the dots.. so i try to dress very modest and cute even when its pretty casual and basic ... another thing im always with my family so for me to dress inappropriate it would be very very weird and awkward and honestly im not looking to interact with males because thats not my thing or one night stands its sinful to me but i do like dressing cute and sexy but thats all ..

 

[blue_ladybug]

Ever seen the movie Pretty Woman, starring Julia Roberts? She wore an outfit in the movie, similar to yours, and in the movie, a guy tried to rape her. THAT'S why I said dressing like a hooker will only bring you trouble. Doesn't matter if you had a sweater on over it or not, your skin was still visible, I'm sure. There's no such thing as "great" advice. What you ask for, is what you get. Advice, be it good, bad or ugly. I'm not a person who sugar coats the truth, sorry if that upsets you.. If you already felt like what you wore would make you look easy, and made you feel uncomfortable, then why did you choose to still wear it? You're only 17, sweetie. YOU ARE a child. Turning 18 doesn't automatically give you adult status. You have alot of learning to do, alot of growing up to do. God gave you common sense and it seems like you're not using alot of it. I suggest you do.

 

[sharkwhales]

i sometimes i feel strong and don't need to think of such things except god but then i have my emotional weak days and i just long for a man i hate that i think that i wish i didn't at all and was just focusing on god... am i the only woman that does this? please no harsh judgments ..

it's completely normal to feel desires, in fact God put them there. (It means you have a heart, it's a good thing). We are meant to connect to an entire world full of people on a spiritual level, but because of the fall, all of the connections are broken. So we are 're-learning' how to do it through the physical but beyond the physical.

Please don't blame yourself for your desires, not only women but everyone feels desires to connect. We just are in a process of learning where the desire comes from, and letting the holy spirit change the path the desire takes, into an action that satisfies it in a wise, honest, and clean way.

If you take on a religion of always denying desires, you end up either dying inside or becoming irresistibly tempted. Desires aren't bad, it's just the way we satisfy them that hurts us, so hope that they can be satisfied and God wants to satisfy them. And let God show you the better way. This is part of giving our hearts to him, letting him connect our desires along wholesome paths to the truth.

 

[godsslife]

it's completely normal to feel desires, in fact God put them there. (It means you have a heart, it's a good thing). We are meant to connect to an entire world full of people on a spiritual level, but because of the fall, all of the connections are broken. So we are 're-learning' how to do it through the physical but beyond the physical.

Please don't blame yourself for your desires, not only women but everyone feels desires to connect. We just are in a process of learning where the desire comes from, and letting the holy spirit change the path the desire takes, into an action that satisfies it in a wise, honest, and clean way.

If you take on a religion of always denying desires, you end up either dying inside or becoming irresistibly tempted. Desires aren't bad, it's just the way we satisfy them that hurts us, so hope that they can be satisfied and God wants to satisfy them. And let God show you the better way. This is part of giving our hearts to him, letting him connect our desires along wholesome paths to the truth.

thank you brother... i definitely know where you're getting at ... god bless

 

[MollyConnor]

Don't be so hard on yourself, Godsslife. We all make mistakes and being a teen makes it very difficult to not think about sex. I can only imagine how much harder it is for your generation now that sex is literally everywhere!

You need to start reading the Bible, if you aren't already. Also, I'm surprised your parents let you dress that way. Check out "Secret Keeper Girl" by Dannah Gresh just like Cinder recommended. I have the book and I really liked it. I also liked "And the Bride Wore White" by the same author. I'm a Gresh fan.

Also, maybe spend more time with Christians believers. Spending time on here or fellowshipping (is this a word? lol) at a church would help you turn your mind towards something else, like God and his Kingdom.

If you are viewing porn, try to stop! This isn't good and it can mess with your relationships and ruin your self-esteem. Take it one day at a time, if you mess up, just get up and keep going.

Praying for you!

 

[cinder]

Ever seen the movie Pretty Woman, starring Julia Roberts? She wore an outfit in the movie, similar to yours, and in the movie, a guy tried to rape her. THAT'S why I said dressing like a hooker will only bring you trouble. Doesn't matter if you had a sweater on over it or not, your skin was still visible, I'm sure. There's no such thing as "great" advice. What you ask for, is what you get. Advice, be it good, bad or ugly. I'm not a person who sugar coats the truth, sorry if that upsets you.. If you already felt like what you wore would make you look easy, and made you feel uncomfortable, then why did you choose to still wear it? You're only 17, sweetie. YOU ARE a child. Turning 18 doesn't automatically give you adult status. You have alot of learning to do, alot of growing up to do. God gave you common sense and it seems like you're not using alot of it. I suggest you do.

Please explain to me how a tank top and shorts is automatically dressing like a hooker. Most women of many different ages would wear clothing that could be described like that on a hot summer day doing yard work or at the gym. Some of it is modest and some isn't but it certainly isn't a description that automatically puts her into the category of slutty dresser. You seem determined to assume the worst about this young lady and then criticize her for her failings. How exactly is that supposed to help? You seem to have lost your civility somewhere along the way and as you desire to be effective in helping people grow in the Lord I strongly urge you to recuse yourself from giving advice until you've found that civility back. Showing love looks like asking more, listening more, and assuming less.

So yeah I'm with MisCris on this one: your expression is lacking love. As to whether you are lacking love or not, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Some of us (me included) don't do kind well even when we really do care.

 

[MollyConnor]

What Men really think about Modesty -

Check this out. She asked young men what they think about modesty. I know it opened my eyes when I first read it. The whole blog is very interesting and fun to read.
I thought I would share it with you.

 

[godsslife]

Ever seen the movie Pretty Woman, starring Julia Roberts? She wore an outfit in the movie, similar to yours, and in the movie, a guy tried to rape her. THAT'S why I said dressing like a hooker will only bring you trouble. Doesn't matter if you had a sweater on over it or not, your skin was still visible, I'm sure. There's no such thing as "great" advice. What you ask for, is what you get. Advice, be it good, bad or ugly. I'm not a person who sugar coats the truth, sorry if that upsets you.. If you already felt like what you wore would make you look easy, and made you feel uncomfortable, then why did you choose to still wear it? You're only 17, sweetie. YOU ARE a child. Turning 18 doesn't automatically give you adult status. You have alot of learning to do, alot of growing up to do. God gave you common sense and it seems like you're not using alot of it. I suggest you do.

you really don't know me so please stop making assumptions again i understand you're trying to help but you're only making assumptions of me like me trying to be an adult cause im almost 18 i never said anything about wanting to be an adult .. just cause i like to dress a certain way doesn't make me something negative... like i said i felt uncomfortable and i won't do that again.. another thing i have parents im not just some girl that goes out alone and goes to bars or something crazy lol .. i have overprotective parents and they're awesome and i go with them every where i don't even have my own permit yet

 

[crosstweed]

i cried earlier today for feeling so ashamed and the judgment of god and the loneliness i feel that makes me do stupid things.. yesterday i was celebrating my brother's birthdate and i wore shorts, a tank top and knee high leather boots and i looked attractive well i got asked to dance by a drunk guy first then a respectful man which to the drunk guy i said no and to the second i said yes with my parents approval of course ..first i cant dance that much and second my parents were there and its not that id like to dance behind their back or anything lol but it was awkward since the guy was a bit older than me and i felt lots of looks on me from men then i had impure thoughts since.. later i was talking to this man who was pretty cool and funny but turns out he is engaged and i had impure thoughts about him i felt uncomfortable later through the night with myself because of that.. till today then an hour ago of such shame i had i cried and begged god to appear in front of me to help me and hold me and tell me i will be okay and that he will place a husband for me soon and i just begged for forgiveness .. i sometimes i feel strong and don't need to think of such things except god but then i have my emotional weak days and i just long for a man i hate that i think that i wish i didn't at all and was just focusing on god... am i the only woman that does this? please no harsh judgments ..

We're living in an age where girls think they have to have to earn approval, both of men and other women, by showing off their bodies. "If you've got it, flaunt it" is the motto. We face it every day, and I know what you mean. It can be a struggle.

Here's my recommendation: if you haven't already, ask God for His forgiveness for intentionally drawing that kind of attention to yourself. He'll give it to you and help you not to do it again.

The next step: ask God to give you a spirit of modesty and chasteness instead of sensuality. This can take time, but it's something that is beautiful on a woman, and is good and safe for you and those around you. A woman's sensuality is a powerful and extremely dangerous weapon, and I think all women need God's help so that they don't accidentally cut down a brother with it because sometimes you aren't aware that that is how you are behaving. Ask God for His correction, and for awareness and maturity to help you act and be in a way that is edifying and a blessing to others and to yourself, and not a threat.

As part of that second step... go through your closet and pull out your clothes. Pray over them and ask God to show you what He does and does not want you to wear. The ones that He points out to you, throw away. This is extremely effective if you're honest about it, because you know somewhere deep in your heart which items you wear when you want "that kind" of attention. Since our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit, we should be asking Him how He wants His temple to look. You wouldn't be too pleased to go on a trip and come back to find that your house-sitter had completely redecorated your house to suit their own tastes, and I don't think God is pleased when we don't ask His opinion on these kinds of things. I'm not going to tell you what and what not to wear... God is the one you need to ask about that. He loves you and wants you to succeed and be healed and grow in His love. : )

 

[godsslife]

Please explain to me how a tank top and shorts is automatically dressing like a hooker. Most women of many different ages would wear clothing that could be described like that on a hot summer day doing yard work or at the gym. Some of it is modest and some isn't but it certainly isn't a description that automatically puts her into the category of slutty dresser. You seem determined to assume the worst about this young lady and then criticize her for her failings. How exactly is that supposed to help? You seem to have lost your civility somewhere along the way and as you desire to be effective in helping people grow in the Lord I strongly urge you to recuse yourself from giving advice until you've found that civility back. Showing love looks like asking more, listening more, and assuming less.

So yeah I'm with MisCris on this one: your expression is lacking love. As to whether you are lacking love or not, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Some of us (me included) don't do kind well even when we really do care.

thank you sister. i'm willing to hear out everyone ... blue ladybug isn't a negative person in any way she probably just didnt have the right words to say what she wanted to ... god bless you

 

[godsslife]

Don't be so hard on yourself, Godsslife. We all make mistakes and being a teen makes it very difficult to not think about sex. I can only imagine how much harder it is for your generation now that sex is literally everywhere!

You need to start reading the Bible, if you aren't already. Also, I'm surprised your parents let you dress that way. Check out "Secret Keeper Girl" by Dannah Gresh just like Cinder recommended. I have the book and I really liked it. I also liked "And the Bride Wore White" by the same author. I'm a Gresh fan.

Also, maybe spend more time with Christians believers. Spending time on here or fellowshipping (is this a word? lol) at a church would help you turn your mind towards something else, like God and his Kingdom.

If you are viewing porn, try to stop! This isn't good and it can mess with your relationships and ruin your self-esteem. Take it one day at a time, if you mess up, just get up and keep going.

Praying for you!

thank you .. no i am not viewing porn i used to im porn free for like 4 months already also any type of sexual activity for 4 months and haven't had a physical relationship with a man for 3 years and i am reading the bible learning it step by step .. and surprised how? my mother is very open minded and she actually is very over protective too .. i wore a big black cardigan over my outfit sooo... and i wasnt showing my breasts or not even a piece of butt cheek just a bit of my thighs and arms lol ... but thank you ..