Bad Housekeeper,Grounds for Divorce?

[coby2]

I can't stand that 50s husband attitude. That whole fantasy,it drives me nuts. My parents have that as does my sister. I warned my husband before we married "don't ever tell me I'm lazy if you want to live to see the next day"! But he's the total opposite of the other men in my family. He can do it all, he doesn't need me to do a thing for him but appreciates everything I do.I don't have kids,I dont work outside the home so keeping the house clean isn't an issue. If I dont get to something he does it. We have no "this is your job" roles in our house.If you see something needing done, do it. My father can boil eggs,pour a bowl of cereal and make toast. Thats pretty much it. My brother- in-law can do it but refuses because thats "womens work". He was furious with my sister once because she forgot to clean his work uniform. She actually came home the fight was so bad. I said to him later "Whats wrong with you,your arms broken? Why cant you put your own clothes through the wash?" smh These are issues couples should talk out before they marry but seldom do.

Well we talked about that, but the second one turned 180 degrees after the I do. He was autistic and had adapted behavior to be accepted it turned out and then he returned to who he actually was when he was in. He said he was feminist and we'd do it together. Lol he even let me clean the toilet mess up when the thing was broke.
The first one did help and it was never a problem until I got 2 miscarriages and 3 kids in 3 year and had to get the money in, Dutch don't pay their pastor, pregnant, pre/postnatal depression, I was exhausted.

 

[Sirk]

This is what people should pay attention too.

 

[coby2]

This is what people should pay attention too.

View attachment 147518

Lol plan escape. I did nothing else than read rapture ready and watch Hal Lindsey and Walid Shoebat.

 

[coby2]

.........

 

[Sirk]

Lol plan escape. I did nothing else than read rapture ready and watch Hal Lindsey and Walid Shoebat.

This chart provides a way for a person to check themselves no matter what phase of the relationship they are in.

 

[Depleted]

I've been thinking about this post a lot today. It seems some folks were thinking I was teaching. I wasn't. I was telling how we dealt with the age-old "Who does the housework."

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I said a floor can get a layer of dirt on it so thick it's hard to tell where the rug is and it doesn't bother me. I also said I vacuumed three times in the last five months. Has anyone wondered how I could go both ways?

Simple. For the same reason I became willing to change the cat litter more often. If the funk doesn't seep out to assault my nose from the cat litter, that too doesn't bother me. Apparently, he noticed a funk I didn't and it bothered him. Two things were accomplished there.
1. He knew who I really was, yet he still loves me.
2. I knew who he really was, and wanted to please him because I love him.

I didn't change the cat litter for anyone else (or even for the cats. lol) I changed it because he wanted that.

The same reason I've vacuumed on occasion. I want him to come home to a clean house just because it would make him happy. (At this point in time, just coming home would make him happy, but to a clean house? BIG surprise! lol)

Love isn't "What can you do for me?" It's "what can I do for you?"

We are both slobs. We also both work hard to notice what the other wants and try to do it for the other before the other even notices it should be done again.

And THAT's the natural outcome of someone taking me for who I am and loving me anyway.

Something I picked up from a guy named Jack Miller in a Sonship course. If a couple just has to keep score in a relationship, be aware that the scoring is lopsided. 10 points if I vacuum just the rug in the living room. (And it's just a rug, not wall-to-wall. lol) 1 point if he takes out the trash.

I am competitive, and darn-tootin' I keep score. So, I figure if I give 90% away, (because I'm realistic enough that I cannot maintain 100% nonstop), then it is likely that really adds up to only 50%. So we do NOT have a 50/50 relationship. We have a 90/90 relationship because we realize by giving away 90%, we're only giving 50%.

Does this work? It has for us for 35 years. Funnier still. Hubby has a good friend from the 1990's. His friend is a clean-freak. The woman he wanted to marry is a slob. Hubby explained that one-rule for housework. (If it bothers you, fix it.) His friend took it to heart, so after a full day of work, he was the one who did the dishes that piled up throughout the day and evening before dinner. It didn't bother her at all. She's like me -- dishes once a day ought to be enough.

It's 25 years later, and he's less of a clean freak and she's less of a slob, because it released both of them from expectations from what the other should do.

Should you do this? I don't care if you do or don't. My life continues on its way. But it has worked for many over the years.

What doesn't work? Assuming I'm a hoarder. Excuse me? My dad was the hoarder I love anyway. He grew up in the depression so saving every little thing was a way of life. And then he came down with real OCD, alcoholism, and then dementia, so he took it to new levels. Still the guy I love.

The only reason we still have two a/c's and a dehumidifier in the house is because we needed steps more than we needed them to be gone. $450 for some guy to move our junk to the front of our house or $750 to repair steps so we can get to the front of our house? No contest.

Now we save money for things like fixing the sidewalk, dentures, dentists, glasses, and, if we're very fortunate, someday we can afford to get our house painted. The big clumpy things we can't carry out because were both disabled, are out of the way. So sorry, if you don't think $450 to move junk from inside to outside without it even getting sent to the dump should be a given. That's 1/24th of my annual income!

 

[Sirk]

I've been thinking about this post a lot today. It seems some folks were thinking I was teaching. I wasn't. I was telling how we dealt with the age-old "Who does the housework."

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I said a floor can get a layer of dirt on it so thick it's hard to tell where the rug is and it doesn't bother me. I also said I vacuumed three times in the last five months. Has anyone wondered how I could go both ways?

Simple. For the same reason I became willing to change the cat litter more often. If the funk doesn't seep out to assault my nose from the cat litter, that too doesn't bother me. Apparently, he noticed a funk I didn't and it bothered him. Two things were accomplished there.
1. He knew who I really was, yet he still loves me.
2. I knew who he really was, and wanted to please him because I love him.

I didn't change the cat litter for anyone else (or even for the cats. lol) I changed it because he wanted that.

The same reason I've vacuumed on occasion. I want him to come home to a clean house just because it would make him happy. (At this point in time, just coming home would make him happy, but to a clean house? BIG surprise! lol)

Love isn't "What can you do for me?" It's "what can I do for you?"

We are both slobs. We also both work hard to notice what the other wants and try to do it for the other before the other even notices it should be done again.

And THAT's the natural outcome of someone taking me for who I am and loving me anyway.

Something I picked up from a guy named Jack Miller in a Sonship course. If a couple just has to keep score in a relationship, be aware that the scoring is lopsided. 10 points if I vacuum just the rug in the living room. (And it's just a rug, not wall-to-wall. lol) 1 point if he takes out the trash.

I am competitive, and darn-tootin' I keep score. So, I figure if I give 90% away, (because I'm realistic enough that I cannot maintain 100% nonstop), then it is likely that really adds up to only 50%. So we do NOT have a 50/50 relationship. We have a 90/90 relationship because we realize by giving away 90%, we're only giving 50%.

Does this work? It has for us for 35 years. Funnier still. Hubby has a good friend from the 1990's. His friend is a clean-freak. The woman he wanted to marry is a slob. Hubby explained that one-rule for housework. (If it bothers you, fix it.) His friend took it to heart, so after a full day of work, he was the one who did the dishes that piled up throughout the day and evening before dinner. It didn't bother her at all. She's like me -- dishes once a day ought to be enough.

It's 25 years later, and he's less of a clean freak and she's less of a slob, because it released both of them from expectations from what the other should do.

Should you do this? I don't care if you do or don't. My life continues on its way. But it has worked for many over the years.

What doesn't work? Assuming I'm a hoarder. Excuse me? My dad was the hoarder I love anyway. He grew up in the depression so saving every little thing was a way of life. And then he came down with real OCD, alcoholism, and then dementia, so he took it to new levels. Still the guy I love.

The only reason we still have two a/c's and a dehumidifier in the house is because we needed steps more than we needed them to be gone. $450 for some guy to move our junk to the front of our house or $750 to repair steps so we can get to the front of our house? No contest.

Now we save money for things like fixing the sidewalk, dentures, dentists, glasses, and, if we're very fortunate, someday we can afford to get our house painted. The big clumpy things we can't carry out because were both disabled, are out of the way. So sorry, if you don't think $450 to move junk from inside to outside without it even getting sent to the dump should be a given. That's 1/24th of my annual income!

I like your perspective. I just don't like being told what mine is. I'll have a conversation with anyone until they start telling me how I think and what my circumstances were or are.

 

[Depleted]

I like your perspective. I just don't like being told what mine is. I'll have a conversation with anyone until they start telling me how I think and what my circumstances were or are.

Pretend you are someone else and read what you write. It sounds just like mine did. It sounds preachy. Is it? IDK, but it sounds it. Pretend you weren't the one who wrote what you wrote, and then ask, "Can anyone misinterpret this as me telling them how to act?" I've been taking what you say like that for a year.

When I lost it? When I got tired of it sounding like "cleanliness is next to godliness." You weren't the only one that sounded like that. But you sounded like that to me...

just as I sounded like I was preaching to you.

So, honest question -- were you preaching or explaining? Either answer is fine, just as long as you know no one has to buy what either one of us says ever.

 

[Sirk]

Pretend you are someone else and read what you write. It sounds just like mine did. It sounds preachy. Is it? IDK, but it sounds it. Pretend you weren't the one who wrote what you wrote, and then ask, "Can anyone misinterpret this as me telling them how to act?" I've been taking what you say like that for a year.

When I lost it? When I got tired of it sounding like "cleanliness is next to godliness." You weren't the only one that sounded like that. But you sounded like that to me...

just as I sounded like I was preaching to you.

So, honest question -- were you preaching or explaining? Either answer is fine, just as long as you know no one has to buy what either one of us says ever.

I only share my experiences and how I deal with them. I don't expect anyone to conform to my way of thinking and I am open to responsible sensible alternatives. The thing about online is that it is virtually impossible to get the whole picture. We tend to try to fill in the blanks in our own understanding of what someone is trying to express. That's why it's better to ask questions than it is to jump to conclusions about someone. If I come across as preachy it's the opposite representation of who I am. I am intelligent, honest, a good father and a good friend to those that know me. I respect other peoples boundaries and I am assertive. If someone doesn't like me or judges me harshly I don't make room for them in my life or in my head.

 

[coby2]

Dust is from the devil.
My sister just has a floor with tiny stones and all the filth goes in it and it always looks clean. Once a year it gets cleaned. She also has a robot vacuum cleaner. Lol they had a party and I called her. Ehm yeah oh I have to hang up. Totally stressed out, a few hours left and the guests were coming.

 

[coby2]

I only share my experiences and how I deal with them. I don't expect anyone to conform to my way of thinking and I am open to responsible sensible alternatives. The thing about online is that it is virtually impossible to get the whole picture. We tend to try to fill in the blanks in our own understanding of what someone is trying to express. That's why it's better to ask questions than it is to jump to conclusions about someone. If I come across as preachy it's the opposite representation of who I am. I am intelligent, honest, a good father and a good friend to those that know me. I respect other peoples boundaries and I am assertive. If someone doesn't like me or judges me harshly I don't make room for them in my life or in my head.

It sounded like we had to clean up too like that, but I noticed you didn't mean it that way. Never mind, I just needed that lol.

 

[psychomom]

Ellie!!!!!! Thanks for checking on me yesterday....very sweet of you.

Last week a friend of mine offered to make business cards for me and I designed my monogram using photoshop and let me tell you....it's adorable Anyways, as we were working on it a classmate of mine who is going to work as a tax accountant and will eventually open one of his own agencies and said he would offer me a job. Not quite sure if he is just being nice or what, but tax accounting is not really my thing lol

hehe my sister got her CPA in New York State, and i understand the test here is quite grueling compared to some states...

her son, my adorable nephew, recently got his undergrad degree in accounting, and Deb was hoping he would take over her business. she makes big, big $$ doing what she does, but her son says tax accounting is sooo dry he doesn't want to.

i was super proud of him! first time he ever said no to momma

 

[Depleted]

I only share my experiences and how I deal with them. I don't expect anyone to conform to my way of thinking and I am open to responsible sensible alternatives. The thing about online is that it is virtually impossible to get the whole picture. We tend to try to fill in the blanks in our own understanding of what someone is trying to express. That's why it's better to ask questions than it is to jump to conclusions about someone. If I come across as preachy it's the opposite representation of who I am. I am intelligent, honest, a good father and a good friend to those that know me. I respect other peoples boundaries and I am assertive. If someone doesn't like me or judges me harshly I don't make room for them in my life or in my head.

I could say the exact same thing about me except I am definitely NOT a good father. lol

 

[coby2]

.........

 

[Miri]

I've been thinking about this post a lot today. It seems some folks were thinking I was teaching. I wasn't. I was telling how we dealt with the age-old "Who does the housework."

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I said a floor can get a layer of dirt on it so thick it's hard to tell where the rug is and it doesn't bother me. I also said I vacuumed three times in the last five months. Has anyone wondered how I could go both ways?

Simple. For the same reason I became willing to change the cat litter more often. If the funk doesn't seep out to assault my nose from the cat litter, that too doesn't bother me. Apparently, he noticed a funk I didn't and it bothered him. Two things were accomplished there.
1. He knew who I really was, yet he still loves me.
2. I knew who he really was, and wanted to please him because I love him.

I didn't change the cat litter for anyone else (or even for the cats. lol) I changed it because he wanted that.

The same reason I've vacuumed on occasion. I want him to come home to a clean house just because it would make him happy. (At this point in time, just coming home would make him happy, but to a clean house? BIG surprise! lol)

Love isn't "What can you do for me?" It's "what can I do for you?"

We are both slobs. We also both work hard to notice what the other wants and try to do it for the other before the other even notices it should be done again.

And THAT's the natural outcome of someone taking me for who I am and loving me anyway.

Something I picked up from a guy named Jack Miller in a Sonship course. If a couple just has to keep score in a relationship, be aware that the scoring is lopsided. 10 points if I vacuum just the rug in the living room. (And it's just a rug, not wall-to-wall. lol) 1 point if he takes out the trash.

I am competitive, and darn-tootin' I keep score. So, I figure if I give 90% away, (because I'm realistic enough that I cannot maintain 100% nonstop), then it is likely that really adds up to only 50%. So we do NOT have a 50/50 relationship. We have a 90/90 relationship because we realize by giving away 90%, we're only giving 50%.

Does this work? It has for us for 35 years. Funnier still. Hubby has a good friend from the 1990's. His friend is a clean-freak. The woman he wanted to marry is a slob. Hubby explained that one-rule for housework. (If it bothers you, fix it.) His friend took it to heart, so after a full day of work, he was the one who did the dishes that piled up throughout the day and evening before dinner. It didn't bother her at all. She's like me -- dishes once a day ought to be enough.

It's 25 years later, and he's less of a clean freak and she's less of a slob, because it released both of them from expectations from what the other should do.

Should you do this? I don't care if you do or don't. My life continues on its way. But it has worked for many over the years.

What doesn't work? Assuming I'm a hoarder. Excuse me? My dad was the hoarder I love anyway. He grew up in the depression so saving every little thing was a way of life. And then he came down with real OCD, alcoholism, and then dementia, so he took it to new levels. Still the guy I love.

The only reason we still have two a/c's and a dehumidifier in the house is because we needed steps more than we needed them to be gone. $450 for some guy to move our junk to the front of our house or $750 to repair steps so we can get to the front of our house? No contest.

Now we save money for things like fixing the sidewalk, dentures, dentists, glasses, and, if we're very fortunate, someday we can afford to get our house painted. The big clumpy things we can't carry out because were both disabled, are out of the way. So sorry, if you don't think $450 to move junk from inside to outside without it even getting sent to the dump should be a given. That's 1/24th of my annual income!

Hi a few fun bits of information.

Ive always tried to keep on top of things cleaning wise to a greater or lesser
degree. Clearing up after myself to cut down on a massive
clean up later.

However...... (here is the fun bit lol) since my aunt came out of hospital I seem to spend
half my life washing cleaning, mopping etc.

What with two Carer's coming in twice a day, that's 8 extra shoes each day coming and
going bringing in grit, grass, mud etc. One of them is only 20 you won't believe the number
of times I have had to remind her to wipe her feet, still do even after 3 months of her
visiting. The kitchen floor which only use to need mopping maybe once a week, now needs
mopping 3 times a week.


Oh then there is all of those medical visitors, nurses, physios, community matron, chiropodist,
Doctors. During the first 6 weeks of her coming home we had nearly 20 medical visits!

currently we are still averaging about 1 or 2 a week. That's lots more extra foot fall and
also the drive to keep things prim and proper for the medical community.

Plus there is the need to keep on top of all the extra washing and drying to
due to Carer's using lots more extra towels, cloths etc.

Just have to grin and bear it. (Or in your case it might be grin and teddy bear it).
My grin is so fixed in place now I'm seriously starting to resemble the Cheshire Cat.

But oh bliss my own bedroom is my own, no one else goes in there so I can be a
slob and chill .... Bliss. Lol

 

[Miri]

Ps has anyone notice how white dust lands on dark surfaces and
black dust lands on white surfaces.

Gulp is dust an alien form of life? How does it know the difference?

 

[Depleted]

View attachment 147576
.........

Three-doors-down we have neighbors whose son was about that age three years ago. The boy had a real fetish about sweeping the backyard. (Our yards at about 4 meters by 4 meters of concrete, so they are sweepable.) His mother stopped him!

What's wrong with her? He's excited to do yard work! I so wanted to invite him over. He might do housework too!

 

[Depleted]

Hi a few fun bits of information.

Ive always tried to keep on top of things cleaning wise to a greater or lesser
degree. Clearing up after myself to cut down on a massive
clean up later.

However...... (here is the fun bit lol) since my aunt came out of hospital I seem to spend
half my life washing cleaning, mopping etc.

What with two Carer's coming in twice a day, that's 8 extra shoes each day coming and
going bringing in grit, grass, mud etc. One of them is only 20 you won't believe the number
of times I have had to remind her to wipe her feet, still do even after 3 months of her
visiting. The kitchen floor which only use to need mopping maybe once a week, now needs
mopping 3 times a week.


Oh then there is all of those medical visitors, nurses, physios, community matron, chiropodist,
Doctors. During the first 6 weeks of her coming home we had nearly 20 medical visits!

currently we are still averaging about 1 or 2 a week. That's lots more extra foot fall and
also the drive to keep things prim and proper for the medical community.

Plus there is the need to keep on top of all the extra washing and drying to
due to Carer's using lots more extra towels, cloths etc.

Just have to grin and bear it. (Or in your case it might be grin and teddy bear it).
My grin is so fixed in place now I'm seriously starting to resemble the Cheshire Cat.

But oh bliss my own bedroom is my own, no one else goes in there so I can be a
slob and chill .... Bliss. Lol


View attachment 147599

1. Grits in America.

So imagine what I was picturing folks bringing into your house. (Good deal -- BYOB -- bring your own breakfast.)

2. I have to clean when someone is coming over. I know what I consider clean, they still consider slob, but think what' they'd see if I didn't. Everyone keeps asking me, how I do what I do every day. I tell the truth, "I can't." Today I had to take off for my Sabbath rest, and "taking off" includes getting John an absentee ballot for our primary elections in two weeks (this is the year it wasn't already decided before PA does vote? Furst time since I was eight. Yeesh), visiting John early, not staying as long as I like to, and rushing home because I ordered three things from Amazon. (Amazon. Technically, I ordered four things, but two were the same pair of pants for John in different colors. Two packages have come in so far, still waiting for the two pants, and the last time they came in separate packages. I miss the days when the mail only came once a day. lol) Another package is coming sometime this week, (the nicotine lozenges and patches), but I don't know when. And I had to talk to his doctor to find out how to get him dentures. (My plan of having our dentist see him didn't work.) Meanwhile it's 5:15, and I need a shower, would prefer one before dinner, but I have to wait for the 1-2 more packages that may or may not come, and I should be making dinner soon.

This is my day off, because yesterday I had to drive into Center City Philly (which is major congestion), park my car in an $8 per half hour parking lot to replace a prescription my pain specialist won't mail to me, all to find out he just left for a one-hour lunch, then go across town (all right smack in the most congested part of the city lol) to see John, after getting a two loads of wash in during the morning and doing dishes, then stop at a store to find out they didn't sell what I needed, park a block away, and then squeeze in calling John to tell him what's on TV before dinner.

All that, and I'd much rather have that day 7 days a week then have to clean the house because someone is going to make it dirty like you go through. I'd be tempted to work out a plan that the carers and medical professionals visit your aunt by going to the neighbor's house and calling it in. I hate chores that much! lol I can laugh a lot, but I can't smile as much as you have to! (I have to smile at the nurses at the nurse station while walking by and my big hope is they're too busy to notice I'm walking by. Residents I like enough to joke with, but the nurses always look so scoldy and busy. They're not usually scolding, but they scowl often.)

 

[Depleted]

Ps has anyone notice how white dust lands on dark surfaces and
black dust lands on white surfaces.

Gulp is dust an alien form of life? How does it know the difference?

Actually, I'm an expert on dust. Your dust, in reality is mostly the fabric in your house. Our dust used to be mauve, because my old comfy chair was maroon. I have a new brownish chair, and John's not using his brown sofa right now, so I have to wait to see what color the new dust comes in. (New chair, so someone was coming in, so I dusted. lol)

But, just so you now, it is a good idea to move around your dust bunnies sometimes. If you just let them be, there is too much inner breeding and they start to deform, so swap some from different colonies to keep them uniformed and give them more choices in life.

And do NOT consider this good advice for the dust bunny colonies that come after the cobwebs. Once you start pulling them apart to stop inner breeding, next thing you know, they mutiny and attack you by getting right in your face when you're walking by. You do NOT want this kind of mutiny as you walk by.

Better to leave it all around the top of your room.

(Did I just make you smile not-like-a-cheshire-cat?)

 

[coby2]

Three-doors-down we have neighbors whose son was about that age three years ago. The boy had a real fetish about sweeping the backyard. (Our yards at about 4 meters by 4 meters of concrete, so they are sweepable.) His mother stopped him!

What's wrong with her? He's excited to do yard work! I so wanted to invite him over. He might do housework too!

She stopped him? That´s stupid.
If I don´t care and don´t clean here myself, they throw everything everywhere, but if I clean up they get inspired and want to do it too. They cleaned my windows a few times. Mom, mom, may we clean the windows? Yeah sure. I never clean those things. Or the kitchen cupboards. Please? The idea wouldn´t enter my mind to do that. Sure, no problem! They once, when they were smaller and the dishwasher was broke, were fighting over who could wash the dishes. No problem with me. They love to help my mother in the garden.