Forgiving the In-laws and Asking for Forgiveness

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shrimp

shrimp

Senior Member
Aug 28, 2011
1,188
39
48
Hi,
Some of you know my internet presence here on CC, some don't. Well this feels incredibly awkward.
I'm asking, once again, for help.
I've written before about my rocky relationship with my in-laws, but this time it's different. I am asking for advice on how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. So here's a little back story (hang in there it's long):

My hubby (J) and I were married Nov. 5, 2012, back then I thought I would get along with my in-laws regardless of our differences. Boy was I wrong.

The next year we had moved to ME and were struggling to survive. Amongst all of our struggles entered the in-laws. They decided that they were going to CA to get a boat, they had saved up some money for it but soon that money ran out and they took my hubby's emergency money (his mom was also on the account). Here's the rub: we were struggling to buy food, pay rent, pay utilities, and keep my pregnant self healthy on about $400 a month; They were getting a boat in CA acting like they were on vacation. Then they asked for more money to really spend vacation in TX with the rest of the family. Then, out of the blue my hubby's ex girlfriend starts texting, we still don't know who gave her his number.
Fast Forward a year, My hubby lost his job in ME and we were forced to consider all options. His brother (R) and his sister-in-law (H) in TX, helped J get a job and let us stay for a little while in their house, until we had the money saved up to pay rent on our own place. We did and after a while we decided to get a dog. We had no idea that J breaking his ankle at work would set us back so much, but we managed the best we could to get caught up. When we got the dog we got it from his grandmother and his aunt, who told us that the do was up to date on his shots and gave us the tag of an older dog saying that it was the same vet. long story short, the dog bites my daughter in the face, we end up having to pay a vet bill (thankfully a generous man paid for it). In that time I called and called to try and find the vet that supposedly did the shots, she didn't. Every time we called his grandma and aunt to get information, they'd brush us off and then stop taking our calls. I got mad and did the not Christ-like thing and called and cussed out his aunt who was the one taking the credit for giving us the dog, and I told her that if she wasn't going to help us I was going to report her to the police for breaking TX law on animal care. We asked (R) for help dealing with the dog, nothing.
Then there was also the stupid bow and dress issue. My father-in-law texted J saying that our daughter was dirty because we didn't put her in giant bows and frilly dresses.
In my anger I posted a stupid post on FB saying that my In-laws were bullies, liars, hypocrites, and manipulators and I didn't want me or my family to have anything to do with them. To which they replied that I was evil, stupid, a drug user, a terrible wife and mother, lazy, unclean (not in the biblical sense), a terrible house keeper, an abuser of children, and a number expletives that are banned from CC.

After all of that someone in that group called CPS and reported us. My husband and I had to take drug tests and a woman had to come into our home and take pictures and notes about where we lived and how we lived and who we rented from. There is no law to prosecute false reporters. After the case closed, we left TX. back to ME, where J's sister called me stupid in a fiery text, and then we moved back here to AK.

AAAAAGH! Just writing all of what went on makes my blood boil.

Now I have a new rub. My husband is now getting chummy with his family and in all that we've gone through, he has never ONCE defended me or helped me. Now, he says that I need to forgive and forget and let it go.

I can agree that I need to forgive and I know I did some wrong things I need to ask forgiveness for. I don't know how to forgive something this atrocious. and I don't know how to communicate that or even if I should, to people who believe that I'm a pot-smoking witch. Plus, where is the love from my husband to me? I'm so hurt by ALL of this. Any kind of advice would do. I had thought about messaging them on FB, but that didn't feel personal enough and writing a letter seems like
I want to be chummy with them too. I don't, I just have no room for any more bitterness and anger. I want my heart to be filled with love. I still don't want my girls to be a part of all that, but I still want peace in our little family.
 
I think it is a good idea to try and reconcile with your in-laws. That will require you learning to discipline your temper, no matter what they say or do to you.

But, I do think that you are just going to continue to have problems if you have any expectations of them treating you right. They sound incredibly immature, and selfish (stealing your husband's money?) And it goes on and on.

Try and be the best possible Christian you can be. My MIL didn't approve of me at first, and told my husband so. So I bent over backwards to be her friend, to be helpful, and to be conventional. It worked - she likes me better than the other DILs. Not that it is important. But that was a long term project.

So when you apologize, don't expect miracles or forgiveness from them, and it will be easier on you.

As to "how" to apologize, I'll leave that for another poster.
 
shrimp said:
Hi,
Some of you know my internet presence here on CC, some don't. Well this feels incredibly awkward.
I'm asking, once again, for help.
I've written before about my rocky relationship with my in-laws, but this time it's different. I am asking for advice on how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. So here's a little back story (hang in there it's long):

My hubby (J) and I were married Nov. 5, 2012, back then I thought I would get along with my in-laws regardless of our differences. Boy was I wrong.

The next year we had moved to ME and were struggling to survive. Amongst all of our struggles entered the in-laws. They decided that they were going to CA to get a boat, they had saved up some money for it but soon that money ran out and they took my hubby's emergency money (his mom was also on the account). Here's the rub: we were struggling to buy food, pay rent, pay utilities, and keep my pregnant self healthy on about $400 a month; They were getting a boat in CA acting like they were on vacation. Then they asked for more money to really spend vacation in TX with the rest of the family. Then, out of the blue my hubby's ex girlfriend starts texting, we still don't know who gave her his number.
Fast Forward a year, My hubby lost his job in ME and we were forced to consider all options. His brother (R) and his sister-in-law (H) in TX, helped J get a job and let us stay for a little while in their house, until we had the money saved up to pay rent on our own place. We did and after a while we decided to get a dog. We had no idea that J breaking his ankle at work would set us back so much, but we managed the best we could to get caught up. When we got the dog we got it from his grandmother and his aunt, who told us that the do was up to date on his shots and gave us the tag of an older dog saying that it was the same vet. long story short, the dog bites my daughter in the face, we end up having to pay a vet bill (thankfully a generous man paid for it). In that time I called and called to try and find the vet that supposedly did the shots, she didn't. Every time we called his grandma and aunt to get information, they'd brush us off and then stop taking our calls. I got mad and did the not Christ-like thing and called and cussed out his aunt who was the one taking the credit for giving us the dog, and I told her that if she wasn't going to help us I was going to report her to the police for breaking TX law on animal care. We asked (R) for help dealing with the dog, nothing.
Then there was also the stupid bow and dress issue. My father-in-law texted J saying that our daughter was dirty because we didn't put her in giant bows and frilly dresses.
In my anger I posted a stupid post on FB saying that my In-laws were bullies, liars, hypocrites, and manipulators and I didn't want me or my family to have anything to do with them. To which they replied that I was evil, stupid, a drug user, a terrible wife and mother, lazy, unclean (not in the biblical sense), a terrible house keeper, an abuser of children, and a number expletives that are banned from CC.

After all of that someone in that group called CPS and reported us. My husband and I had to take drug tests and a woman had to come into our home and take pictures and notes about where we lived and how we lived and who we rented from. There is no law to prosecute false reporters. After the case closed, we left TX. back to ME, where J's sister called me stupid in a fiery text, and then we moved back here to AK.

AAAAAGH! Just writing all of what went on makes my blood boil.

Now I have a new rub. My husband is now getting chummy with his family and in all that we've gone through, he has never ONCE defended me or helped me. Now, he says that I need to forgive and forget and let it go.

I can agree that I need to forgive and I know I did some wrong things I need to ask forgiveness for. I don't know how to forgive something this atrocious. and I don't know how to communicate that or even if I should, to people who believe that I'm a pot-smoking witch. Plus, where is the love from my husband to me? I'm so hurt by ALL of this. Any kind of advice would do. I had thought about messaging them on FB, but that didn't feel personal enough and writing a letter seems like
I want to be chummy with them too. I don't, I just have no room for any more bitterness and anger. I want my heart to be filled with love. I still don't want my girls to be a part of all that, but I still want peace in our little family.
Click to expand...
Honestly, I didn't read the rest of the story after the part where they took your emergency money after losing their boat. I get it. That's the beginning and it gets worse than that from there on out. How bad would my blood boil too? BUT there are some things you have to understand too.
1. As bad as family can get, and, obviously they can get very bad, they're still family. "Can't live with them. Can't shoot them." I truly understand that past the joke, because sometimes I'm not joking. (Not to worry. Guns creep me out, so I have no plans of killing anyone.) Your husband loves them and will always love them, no matter what other emotions he has toward them. That's family. You may have married him, but you get stuck with them until everyone dies. You really don't get the choice of if you forgive them. You have to forgive them.

2. On the good news side, forgive, isn't trust. It's forgive. They've already proven untrustworthy, so you're smart enough never to trust them again until/unless they become born again and change drastically.

What is forgive? It's to never bring it up again, to put it in the past and keep it there, and to love them even though. Except, ultimately there is no "even though," because the sins they've done to you are never to come back up again.

That said, knowing that, you need to try talking it out with them to see if any of it can be resolved. All of it cannot be resolved, but some of it might get resolved. But to do that you have to talk to them while understanding what love is (1 Cor. 13, for a refresher course on love), and be as kind and gentle as possible. Try to see their side. Try to see how anyone could possibly do what they did and yet assume they had some thought that what they were doing was the right thing to do, because that's what they're thinking, even if you cannot fathom that. Find out what they were/are thinking to see if maybe the both sides can come to an understanding of what happened and why, all the time trying to show your side. Something like this:
"I understand you felt that money was yours to take, but is it possible for you to see we needed it at the same time? You needed it for your emergency, and yet we thought we had money for rent, but didn't. We were scared of getting kicked out. Haven't you had that fear too?"

Let it be gentle but help them see both sides, to grant them the grace to give you a sincere apology, because they are family, even if you don't like them.

Have that long talk with them, and by the end of it, I suspect you'll be willing to forgive some. But know this -- that discussion and you forgiving is never ever going to happen through sheer determination on your part. You're not that strong willed. None of us are. You'll seriously need God's strength to get through this all -- the discussion, asking for their forgiveness for your part in it, and then giving your forgiveness to them.

Did that just make your throat constrict, your mouth dry, and your heart beat faster? Yes, it's supposed to. To forgive it is best to be forgiven first. Just like Jesus did for us, we are to do for others.

It's not a FB thing. Since you're across country, it might be a phone call, but expect it to be a long call. (And check to make sure they don't have to go five minutes after you call, because it does take a lot of time to talk this kind of thing out.)

Once it's dealt with in a loving open way, then you never bring it up again, you don't dwell on it, and you keep your blood down to the typical 98.6 degrees, not boiling level. And, again, realize this isn't something you can simply do by fortitude. It's something you'll need God's help with every time you catch yourself forgetting you were supposed to not bring it up or dwell on it.

I know this sounds impossible, but we have God on our side, so he is the possible -- the doer.

As for how to deal with them for your husband's sake? That's one you and he have to talk out until you make a satisfactory solution together. A compromise both of you can live with. "Chummy" is optional, but I doubt you'll take that option. I wouldn't, and I only got to the part where they took your emergency money.
 
shrimp said:
Now I have a new rub. My husband is now getting chummy with his family and in all that we've gone through, he has never ONCE defended me or helped me. Now, he says that I need to forgive and forget and let it go.
Click to expand...

this. this is where you're gonna have to go first, shrimp.
you have to get things straight with J. i have a feeling if that part had been different... if your husband had taken your side, defended you, etc. the rest wouldn't seem so bad.

and yes, i do have some personal experience with the same issue.
(it's not an issue now because God is great! and God is good. :))
 
Thank you all for you thoughtful advice.
I will try and do my part in all of this and pray that God help me through it.
 
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