Mom needing help

[Charity127]

I caught my 9 year old son trying to have sex with my five year old daughter. I fliiped out. I cryed screamed and cried and screamed some more. After calming down and getting my son calmed down from me sreaming and crying. I asked him where he hads learned such a thing. Apparently he had watched my husband and I through a crack in out bedroom door. I was totally unaware. Now I don't know what to do. I keep praying for God to guide me. I need advise on my next move. I have tried talking with my son but he hold such a grudge against me, I understand why. Can someone please give me advise!???

 

[aussiebushman]

Children always mimmick their parents.
Unfortunately he is mimmicking what is a perfectly acceptable part of life that he just doesn't understand yet.

Settle down. Talk with the boy.
Be honest with him and tell him the truth.
Tell him that this is a mummy and daddy thing and not appropriate.
Apologise to him for yelling...which was understandable.
Love him and hold him, for he is just as confused as you are embarrassed and horrified.

This is no big deal if you handle it with empathy and compassion.

Oh...and close the door properly next time

 

[QuestionTime]

I caught my 9 year old son trying to have sex with my five year old daughter. I fliiped out. I cryed screamed and cried and screamed some more. After calming down and getting my son calmed down from me sreaming and crying. I asked him where he hads learned such a thing. Apparently he had watched my husband and I through a crack in out bedroom door. I was totally unaware. Now I don't know what to do. I keep praying for God to guide me. I need advise on my next move. I have tried talking with my son but he hold such a grudge against me, I understand why. Can someone please give me advise!???

Charity, I have to agree with AussieBushMan, and that is something that has never happened before, so you know it's got to be good advice. It's like an eclipse of some sort, very rare.

Anyway, the point is Charity if you flip out you are going to give the boy an awkwardness toward these things, and he'll then do them behind your back and feel that they are dirty actions. My Mother totally responded to my budding sexuality in the wrong way and it caused me problems. I'm sure you'll find many testimonies like that online, of people whose parents responded in the wrong way.

The best thing is for either you and Dad and the Boy to sit down together, or more appropriately I think for Dad to sit with the boy alone and explain what you were doing. Explain in a calm tone like Jesus would.

I really don't think Jesus would flip out on the child. I think He would explain to the child what that was about in - a clean way - so that he understands that it's a very special thing that loving parents do, not brother and sister. There are verses in the Bible on the topic but they may not be the best for a child to hear as they involve stoning to death and the like, but you can have a look and see if you can use any to dissuade the boy.

While you don't want him to have an awkwardness about these things, he needs to know they are forbidden by God. Just explain this in a calm and relaxed tone with a smile and get him smiling too so you know he understands. Then tell him to ask God's forgiveness and then to forget about it and go and be a boy again playing with toys and the like.

Quest

 

[aussiebushman]

The Lord moves in mysterious ways QT

Totally agree with Dad having a chat as well. Good advice.

 

[simo]

Hi Charity, as horrible as this is to us who know the magnitude of this is, I think the best thing to do is to first realise that your son is very innocent and does not understand how wrong this was so calmly but firmly explain that this thing is very inapropriate and something that is not at all for children, but reserved only for married adults.It is important that he doesn't feel condemned and is confident that he is forgiven but at the same time convicted that this thing is very wrong. This conviction by being firmly rebuked followed by assurence that he is forgiven and that the matter is resolved will save him a lot of shame and unresolved guilt later.From then on make sure that the matter is held in confidence, ie; be prepared to reasure him that although it was wrong it is forgiven dealt with, and that the matter is not widely known( DO NOT go talking about it openly to everyone, especially if he is around). As for your young daughter,try very hard to get some advice( once again being sensitive not to make a big public fuss for the sake of your son) from a wise christian counciller or child psycologist on the best way to resolve the trauma and confusion that she has endured from the ordeal.Neither of your Kids should come away from this feeling guilty or unclean although it was wrong because "if we confess our sins he is faithfull and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness".
This sort of thing is something that we all need to be careful of and is not your fault so don't feel guilty or condemned yourself, with Jesus help this thing can be completely healed and sorted, and need not be something that affects your lives indefinitely, i recommend the website 'Focus on the Family' with James Dobson for advice on things like this.

 

[QuestionTime]

From then on make sure that the matter is held in confidence, ie; be prepared to reasure him that although it was wrong it is forgiven dealt with, and that the matter is not widely known( DO NOT go talking about it openly to everyone, especially if he is around). As for your young daughter,try very hard to get some advice( once again being sensitive not to make a big public fuss for the sake of your son) from a wise christian counciller or child psycologist on the best way to resolve the trauma and confusion that she has endured from the ordeal.

It's best that this matter is held in the strictest of confidence lest this information falls into the wrong ears. Don't let this warning create panic, just use godly wisdom as to whom you speak to about this. A "Counselor" - Christian or not - may be required by law to report such things to the police as abuse. Schools now-a-days will report strange behaviors to social services and the like. This is best dealt with inside the home according to the wisdom of the mind of Christ.

Quest

 

[aussiebushman]

Hi Charity, as horrible as this is to us who know the magnitude of this is, I think the best thing to do is to first realise that your son is very innocent and does not understand how wrong this was so calmly but firmly explain that this thing is very inapropriate and something that is not at all for children, but reserved only for married adults.It is important that he doesn't feel condemned and is confident that he is forgiven but at the same time convicted that this thing is very wrong. This conviction by being firmly rebuked followed by assurence that he is forgiven and that the matter is resolved will save him a lot of shame and unresolved guilt later.From then on make sure that the matter is held in confidence, ie; be prepared to reasure him that although it was wrong it is forgiven dealt with, and that the matter is not widely known( DO NOT go talking about it openly to everyone, especially if he is around). As for your young daughter,try very hard to get some advice( once again being sensitive not to make a big public fuss for the sake of your son) from a wise christian counciller or child psycologist on the best way to resolve the trauma and confusion that she has endured from the ordeal.Neither of your Kids should come away from this feeling guilty or unclean although it was wrong because "if we confess our sins he is faithfull and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness".
This sort of thing is something that we all need to be careful of and is not your fault so don't feel guilty or condemned yourself, with Jesus help this thing can be completely healed and sorted, and need not be something that affects your lives indefinitely, i recommend the website 'Focus on the Family' with James Dobson for advice on things like this.

Forgiven for what?
Being a child?

As for the daughter, it is hardly as if anything happened if you read the opening post.

She is 5, she wasn't molested as such, and will forget this whole thing as a game.

Please don't inflame an innocent situation futher.

 

[QuestionTime]

Forgiven for what?
Being a child?

As for the daughter, it is hardly as if anything happened if you read the opening post.

She is 5, she wasn't molested as such, and will forget this whole thing as a game.

Please don't inflame an innocent situation futher.

Hmm... Does he need to ask God's forgiveness or not? I guess this is dependent on whether or not he knew his behavior was wrong.

Until it is established that the boy knew he was doing something he shouldn't - and he probably didn't know it's wrong being 9 years old - then he shouldn't have to ask forgiveness. The mother needs to apologize for getting so upset - though we all understand why she did, he doesn't - and let him know that she forgives him and he is loved and everything is okay.

Quest

 

[Matthew]

I caught my 9 year old son trying to have sex with my five year old daughter. I fliiped out. I cryed screamed and cried and screamed some more. After calming down and getting my son calmed down from me sreaming and crying. I asked him where he hads learned such a thing. Apparently he had watched my husband and I through a crack in out bedroom door. I was totally unaware. Now I don't know what to do. I keep praying for God to guide me. I need advise on my next move. I have tried talking with my son but he hold such a grudge against me, I understand why. Can someone please give me advise!???

I think an honest talk father to son will probably take care of this, your son definetly isn't the first to have witnessed his parents havng sex, it needs to be confronted not denied.

That's going to be a tough conversation but coming from his father should make it easier for him and once that conversation has been had he won't feel so angry towards you and things will slowly get back to normal.

At that age he is beginning to deal with natural curiosity and like QT has said it's crucial you react positively and make sure it is dealt with or it will just confuse your son even further....beyond that just take the normal precautions to ensure it doesn't happen again and that he understands what is acceptable behaviour towards his sister....if you both show love and understanding this will work out fine.....it's an akward time of life he's coming into.....just don't pretend it isn't happening.

 

[SeekinHIM]

Dear Sister,

I sent you a message on this most delicate issue........

SeekinHIM

 

[aussiebushman]

Dear Sister,

I sent you a message on this most delicate issue........

SeekinHIM

It's not delicate at all. It's life.
If sex didn't happen, then none of us would be here. Let alone have a smile on our face.

Stop making it out that it is.
This happens to parents every day of every week over the planet.

It is when parents make it out to be a delicate problem when the troubles start.

 

[SeekinHIM]

Dear Aussie,

We all have our own unique views of the act of marriage, and my friend, it is a most delicate issue when it comes to children particularly in this situation as this young lady has described. While it is indeed true that this happens a lot, doesn't make it any less shocking for some, please don't disrespect your sister this way.

Have some compassion my friend.

SeekinHIM

 

[aussiebushman]

Dear Aussie,

We all have our own unique views of the act of marriage, and my friend, it is a most delicate issue when it comes to children particularly in this situation as this young lady has described. While it is indeed true that this happens a lot, doesn't make it any less shocking for some, please don't disrespect your sister this way.

Have some compassion my friend.

SeekinHIM

I'm not disrespecting anyone. And my compassion for children is limitless.
But to describe sex as a delicate issue when it comes to children is a dangerous path.
And maybe the fact that it is shocking for some is because they have been shielded from the truth for too long as a child as well.
Children need the truth. Maybe not at 9. But when it is in their face, it is pointless to deny it and you must explain it in a manner that they understand.
Not via some 1950's prudism.

 

[SeekinHIM]

Dear Aussie,

I believe the term that comes to mind is walk softly AND CARRY A BIG STICK...............Not swing it as you walk...........CARRY, in other words, just in case.

And this is not some 1950's prudism as you suggest, just perhaps some delicate attention, primarily because you don't know this person do you?

It's a simple case of GENTLENESS, KINDNESS, PATIENCE .............Remember those.....?

SeekinHIM

 

[SeekinHIM]

Dear Aussie,

Once again, please just look to the right of this dear Sister's name and just below where it says

THREAD TOOLS, SEARCH THIS THREAD, RATE THIS THREAD If you look real closely, you'll discover this Precious Woman just joined this service.......

HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR HER.............

SeekinHIM

 

[QuestionTime]

Dear Aussie,

Once again, please just look to the right of this dear Sister's name and just below where it says

THREAD TOOLS, SEARCH THIS THREAD, RATE THIS THREAD If you look real closely, you'll discover this Precious Woman just joined this service.......

HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR HER.............

SeekinHIM

I have to agree with Aussie. I don't think this is really a huge issue now, but if the parents act weird about this, the children will learn that sex is weird. Then they will have a distorted image of sex.

Parents overreacting is a destructive thing.

I remember being at a Christian friends house. He and his wife were elsewhere in the house, and their little boy walks in to the kitchen, and pulls down his pants to show me his thing. I was quite shocked but I reacted calmly and told him that he shouldn't show that to everyone. I told his parents and they began freaking out. They started being suspicious that maybe he is being molested at the caregivers and the like.

Seriously, parents overdue this stuff, and while they have good intentions, their methods end up traumatizing the children rather than leading them in the way that God would have them go.

Quest

 

[AJ52]

am i wrong for laughing when i read this?

i just never heard of that...

 

[QuestionTime]

am i wrong for laughing when i read this?

i just never heard of that...

If you find this funny, you have serious issues. Hopefully either the mods will be able to help you with your problem, or someone else will post a reply showing just how despicable your comment really is.

Quest

 

[AJ52]

dude relax...just talk to the kid and thats it...sorry perfect guy

 

[AJ52]

i realize i was wrong..im sorry...it just surprised me and i chuckled...forgive me