Husband is in marriage only for the kids

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kris78

Guest
#1
#1
I don't even know where to start. We've been married for 12 years. Which most of it has been me trying to talk him into staying and trying to fix things. I'm tired of trying to fix everything. I feel so lost. We've been to counseling, I've read books, I've done the love dare and still it seems like no matter what things will be good for a while then something will happen that will spark him being mad and he will tell me he's only in this marriage for our children. In the past I have always just swept things under the rug and tried to move on because I love him and I'm not willing to get a divorce but for some reason I'm just tired of dealing with jeckyl and Hyde. Our sex life doesn't exist and I feel a million miles away from him. I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling and all he tells me is if I don't like it I can move out. Most holidays or special occasions something happens and the event is ruined by him being mad at me over something. I feel like a fool for letting this go in for so long. He's an amazing man, loves our children so much. He has an amazing work ethic. He's an amazing provider. But someone's always doing something that upsets him or I'm not backing him up. He feels like he has a wife that doesn't support him. I feel like I've failed in the wife department. We haven't been going to church for the past 1-1/2-2 years. I'm tired of being the one to get everyone to go. My kids need it and whenever I go I feel so blessed afterwards. I just wish he would take the lead on it and take his family to church not because I mentioned it to him all week or because I asked him a million times to go. I haven't talked to anyone about this and I hope I haven't confused anyone. Feels good to finally get it off my chest. I think I might write him a letter because I can get my words across a lot better that way. I need advice and prayer.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#2
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
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#2
you both need to get good at processing your own pain and being a siphon for the others pain.
 
K

kris78

Guest
#3
#3
I've have tried to sit down a nd get him to talk to me about what he wants to do to fix it and he says that we can't afford to get divorced so he's just in it for the kids. I feel like and idiot. He doesn't even act like he likes me let alone loves me. I feel like it's always me trying to talk him into staying. Deep down I want to stay married but part of me is so tired of the games and the way he makes me feel about myself. Anyone else out there dealing with anything similar?
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#4
#4
kris78 said:
I've have tried to sit down a nd get him to talk to me about what he wants to do to fix it and he says that we can't afford to get divorced so he's just in it for the kids. I feel like and idiot. He doesn't even act like he likes me let alone loves me. I feel like it's always me trying to talk him into staying. Deep down I want to stay married but part of me is so tired of the games and the way he makes me feel about myself. Anyone else out there dealing with anything similar?
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All I know after years of marriage is...both have to be 110% in for anything to work.
Remember the commitment you made to God.
Im committed to my marriage first.
Pray...seek Christian counsel im person. Hugs. You're not alone.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#5
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
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#5
kris78 said:
I've have tried to sit down a nd get him to talk to me about what he wants to do to fix it and he says that we can't afford to get divorced so he's just in it for the kids. I feel like and idiot. He doesn't even act like he likes me let alone loves me. I feel like it's always me trying to talk him into staying. Deep down I want to stay married but part of me is so tired of the games and the way he makes me feel about myself. Anyone else out there dealing with anything similar?
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Been down that road. It's a tough one to recover from once there is so much damage. Like I said, you both need to get good at processing your own pain and being a siphon for each others pain. The reality is that the only thing that can be fixed is yourself.

And if I might add, when you go the divorce route it infinitely complicates things even more.
 
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kris78

Guest
#6
#6
I don't want divorce it just seems like I'm always trying to talk him out of it. And I worry about our kids seeing our relationship. I don't want them to think this is how a marriage should be. I have boys and I don't want them treating there wives likey this. I need Gods healing in all this.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#7
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
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#7
kris78 said:
I don't want divorce it just seems like I'm always trying to talk him out of it. And I worry about our kids seeing our relationship. I don't want them to think this is how a marriage should be. I have boys and I don't want them treating there wives likey this. I need Gods healing in all this.
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If he files divorce papers and serves you with them, then he will have made his choice. Sounds like he made his choice long ago, and you keep dragging him back. That's not a marriage, and I'm sorry but what you have now is just a sham of a marriage. :/ I assure you, the kids see how much of a farce your marriage is, and it will affect them much worse if you stay in it and get treated as a doormat by hubby. You and your kids deserve alot better than this malarky. If he wants to go, let him go. Stop trying to hold onto something that isn't worth holding onto anymore. Stop trying to drag him back time after time, or he'll only resent you more. He's made it clear he's in it ONLY for the kids. That speaks volumes about what HE thinks of your marriage. If he doesn't want to change, then God can't and won't help him. He has to WANT to change. God can't force him to change. This marriage is a 12-year train wreck in progress, and it WILL only get worse. Stop subjecting yourself and the kids to this. Let him leave.
 
JosephsDreams

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
#8
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
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#8
Tough situation. Can any human provide adequate wisdom in this quandary? Keep praying. God will open your mind and heart to His plan for you and your children. Maybe not on your time schedule, or maybe not the way you may want, but He will give to you an answer. We'll pray for you.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#9
Mar 2, 2016
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#9
From a guys perspective, he probably feels judged criticized controlled and some other things. The thing about those feelings is that most people only focus on the anger that they bring and anger is a secondary emotion that is always preceded by a painful feeling. I'm sure that you feel unloved, disregarded invalidated among other things. So like I said, processing the pain behind the anger is key to drawing close again.
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#10
#10
kris78 said:
I don't want divorce it just seems like I'm always trying to talk him out of it. And I worry about our kids seeing our relationship. I don't want them to think this is how a marriage should be. I have boys and I don't want them treating there wives likey this. I need Gods healing in all this.
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And they will. My son has a very distorted view of how things are supposed to be because of the actions of his dad. That's out of your control.
Bathe your marriage in prayer. God will supply all your needs. He can pull you through. You can't fix it on your own. You can't make him stay. Believe me.
 
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Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#11
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
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#11
You guys are stuck in the pain cycle. If you wanna know how to get on a peace cycle I will share it with you. It takes work and a willingness on your part to do things differently. And there are no guarantees that your husband will get on board. But regardless of what he does you owe it to yourself and your children.
 
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kris78

Guest
#12
#12
K I'm willing to try. Let's hear it.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#13
#13
kris78 said:
We haven't been going to church for the past 1-1/2-2 years. I'm tired of being the one to get everyone to go. My kids need it and whenever I go I feel so blessed afterwards. I just wish he would take the lead on it and take his family to church not because I mentioned it to him all week or because I asked him a million times to go. I haven't talked to anyone about this and I hope I haven't confused anyone. Feels good to finally get it off my chest. I think I might write him a letter because I can get my words across a lot better that way. I need advice and prayer.
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Why not just gather the kids and go?

That's what i did for years before God moved my husband to go with us.He was on shift work and worked most Sundays and the ones he wasn't working he would rather watch tv until God reacted out to him.

I don't think nagging him all week to get him to agree to go is the answer.

*Better to live in a desertthan with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. - Proverbs 21:19 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs21:19&version=NIV

Sounds like you both need marriage counseling and to talk out situations with a good Christian counsellor. Maybe learn how God tells us to handle situations. Find out the root of anger. Learn how to show your support and talk through disagreements without anger.

Often relationship issues are due to lack of communication.

Maybe a date night or something?

Also maybe he is like most guys and don't like to talk it out?

What is his love language? What is yours?
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#14
Mar 2, 2016
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#14
This is a pretty good start right here. image.jpg
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#15
#15
Sirk said:
This is a pretty good start right here. View attachment 153898
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This is an awesome chart. And sucks when the partner is always the victim.

It's truly hard to jump from feeling to action when you're needs aren't being met or you're feelings category is constantly being filled. That's why it take 110% on both sides.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#16
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
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#16
Rosesrock said:
This is an awesome chart. And sucks when the partner is always the victim.

It's truly hard to jump from feeling to action when you're needs aren't being met or you're feelings category is constantly being filled. That's why it take 110% on both sides.
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It does if there is gonna be success in having intimacy with your mate but employing these principles is a crucial step in having peace within yourself regardless of the actions of others. Doing this is actually rewiring your brain and takes practice and effort.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#17
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
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#17
blue_ladybug said:
If he files divorce papers and serves you with them, then he will have made his choice. Sounds like he made his choice long ago, and you keep dragging him back. That's not a marriage, and I'm sorry but what you have now is just a sham of a marriage. :/ I assure you, the kids see how much of a farce your marriage is, and it will affect them much worse if you stay in it and get treated as a doormat by hubby. You and your kids deserve alot better than this malarky. If he wants to go, let him go. Stop trying to hold onto something that isn't worth holding onto anymore. Stop trying to drag him back time after time, or he'll only resent you more. He's made it clear he's in it ONLY for the kids. That speaks volumes about what HE thinks of your marriage. If he doesn't want to change, then God can't and won't help him. He has to WANT to change. God can't force him to change. This marriage is a 12-year train wreck in progress, and it WILL only get worse. Stop subjecting yourself and the kids to this. Let him leave.
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Why advocate divorce when there's no evidence Biblically pointing to it for her specific situation? The Bible doesn't say go get a divorce simply because one wants to give up on it. She hasn't mentioned any case of abuse. Any case of infedility. This is one of the reasons why the divorce rate is high. This isn't the first time you said go get a divorce simply because a man was wanting one or was angry in a marriage. That's not Biblical. Ever see the movie War Room? It takes work.
 
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Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#18
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
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0
#18
Throwing the divorce card is coming from a place of pain. It can be anything from manipulation, withdrawing, escalating, lashing out etc or a combination of all of these poor coping skills.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#19
Feb 21, 2014
70,949
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#19
jsr1221 said:
Why advocate divorce when there's no evidence Biblically pointing to it for her specific situation? The Bible doesn't say go get a divorce simply because one wants to give up on it. She hasn't mentioned any case of abuse. Any case of infedility. This is one of the reasons why the divorce rate is high. This isn't the first time you said go get a divorce simply because a man was wanting one or was angry in a marriage. That's not Biblical. Ever see the movie War Room? It takes work.
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I didn't say divorce him. I SAID if he wants to leave, let him leave instead of dragging him back all the time. I ALSO said that if HE divorces her, then she can't do anything about it. He's capable of working on this relationship, but it seems he wants to put zero effort into doing so. If a person stays in a rotten marriage just for the sake of kids, then that isn't much of a marriage, IMO.
 
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