Seeking advice for my son

[MissMechanic]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
My 8 year old son has been very full of anger and short-tempered lately. He is only this way with me and I know why he is upset, but I do not know how to help him.

His biological father has only came to see him 4 times since he was born. The last time he came, he promised my son that we would all go fishing the following weekend. That was almost 2 years ago now. He never came, never called, never replied to any text messages.

Father's day is an exceptionally rough time for him. When I picked him up from Summer care last week, he made a point to tell me that he hated daycare that day. I asked why and he said because he did not participate in all of the fathers day crafts because he doesn't have a dad anyways and none of the other kids understand.

On that same trip home, I saw him drawing a picture. He then wrote his dad's name above it. It was an angry face with its tongue sticking out. He then wrote his name and a very mad looking face.

I asked him what that picture was and he said, that was his dad sticking hiso tongue out because he had teased him and told him he wanted to see him, but that he was lying. He said the other face was him because he was mad at his dad.

He does fine for a few days, but as he gets older and he understands things more, I just don't know how to talk to him about this and what to say to make it better.

Thank you for reading and I need all the advice that I can get.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Get him into counseling of some sort ASAP.. Don't lie and say that his dad loves him and wants to be with him. If that were true, his dad would be there no matter what.. Do you receive child support from his father? If not, by law you are entitled to it. It's fairly obvious by the way he doesn't call, visit, return messages or texts, that he doesn't care about his son enough to even call him on the phone. :/

 

[MissMechanic]

Thank you for your reply. He does pay child support. He just does not have any communication with him by choice. My son goes to see a counselor once a month and he feels a little bit better after he speaks with the counselor, but I just don't feel like he's getting the results he needs. I believe I will seek out a different counselor this week.

 

[notmyown]

oh, dear, that's sad.

it's a terrible lesson to learn at such a tender age, that people can and will let us down.
our son had anger problems, but without such a good reason. it was hard!

i can only think to keep telling your little boy about Jesus... that there is One who will never disappoint him.
that he can have a Father, a true and faithful Father who will love him and never abandon him.

it's okay for him to feel angry. i'd let him know that, too. he can be all the mad he wants!
as long as he's not hurting you, or others, go ahead and be angry. it's hard at that age to feel and not do, if that makes sense.

is it possible there's another option for a man in his life? grandfather, uncle, or a man from your church who will undertake doing guy stuff with him? that man would have to make a firm commitment, though, so something to think about.

you love your son, and in that he has a lot going for him. don't underestimate what you're doing for him by just being there, caring for him, showing him you love him in the myriad of ways moms do.

i will surely pray, and my PM is always open to you.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you for your reply. He does pay child support. He just does not have any communication with him by choice. My son goes to see a counselor once a month and he feels a little bit better after he speaks with the counselor, but I just don't feel like he's getting the results he needs. I believe I will seek out a different counselor this week.

It's sad, but maybe his dad figures that the child support is the only thing his son needs from him. I think he would benefit much more if he went to counseling once a week, or every two weeks. But yes, if you're not satisfied with his current counselor, definitely try to find a different one, and if possible, set up appointments for once a week..

 

[Ariel82]

Sadly alot of people don't have good dads growing up.
I didn't and I turned to God as my Heavenly Father and talked to Him whenever I was troubled as a child.

Your son has you and your love. Maybe have him focus on the blessings and what he does have might help?

If his dad had died instead of left, you would still have to raise him alone. In a way his dad is spiritually dead inside or he would want to be a part of his son"s life.

Therefore I would pray for him and hope that God draws him to Jesus so he might be born again.

However until God has touched his heart, I would count it a blessing that the guy doesn't want anything to do with my son.

I have a friend who picked her son up from staying a weekend with his father and had to rush him to the ER for a poisonous spider bite that had gone untreated for 2 days and had his whole arm green tinted.

Another who had their child kidnapped by the other parent and taken across two states and had to fight 3 months to get him back.

You son probably is asking himself what is wrong with him that his dad doesn't want him.

Remind him that NOTHING is wrong with him. You love him. God loves him and many other people love him.

Point out the fact that something is wrong with his dad and that you both should pray for him.

 

[Ugly]

Thank you for your reply. He does pay child support. He just does not have any communication with him by choice. My son goes to see a counselor once a month and he feels a little bit better after he speaks with the counselor, but I just don't feel like he's getting the results he needs. I believe I will seek out a different counselor this week.

Yes, he needs more than once a month counseling.
But what Ariel said was very good, too, so make sure to heed it.

I once knew a woman whose kids father was still in their life. He would drill them for information on their mom during the visits. Then bad mouth her to them. Short her money so she couldn't do things with them, but splurge on them when they came over.
As they got older his verbal abuse started getting taken to them as well. Now he is an alcoholic bipolar who won't stay on his meds, can't work, can't function and is in and out of mental hospitals. None of his three children want anything to do with him.

Another friend has a child with their dad in his life and questions him all the time about his mom, during visits. Purposefully puts things in his sons head to encourage him to argue against his mom and to say hurtful things to her. He doesn't mean the stuff, he's just doing what he's told. He's even teaching him some racist attitudes.

Sometimes no father is better. I know your son will not be able to understand that, but maybe over time, as he gets older, he can realize the benefit of his father at least making his position clear, instead of sticking around and making promises he won't keep and other things, over and over, to actively hurt your son. Sadly there is no Real happy ending, just one that maybe is less painful than another.

I also saw what notmyown said, about finding another male figure. If that's a possibility then that would be a great idea as well.

My second friend i mentioned, though the sons dad is still around and active, she met a man that treated her son well and her son really liked him and having him around. He wanted her to marry this guy, even though he had his own father already. Sometimes a stand in can be a huge help.

 

[Arder_of_Hearts]

The hand that rocks the cradle. This young man needs encouragement and to be blessed with real knowledge on whom he is to become when he is older so that he can shed his anger with no effort at all instead of carrying such a burden. It is within your son to rise up and be the man God intends him to be and be a greater vessel that as him as the head of His household will bring glory to God.

Anger takes a very high toll and a huge amount of energy to sustain it; We all know this and I would hope there is either a Godly man that can be a mentor, or a big brother program so that your son can be inspired to do what he must do even at such a young age. Nurture him and do not baby him that when the time comes he will put on a new coat and cast down the older. With memories, experiences, education, imaginations these things make up our lives and lest we be drawn back to what is familiar it will take a long time to recover what can be lost. Tell him the truth and that your son's hard work be the burden that the blessings in his life will bring. There is a lot of help for you and your son you could start with a youth group or you could get him shoot em video games? I will let that be I'm not asking for an argument. God bless you and good luck.

 

[santuzza]

I have nothing to add to what others have said, and I don't have any experience with children. But I commend you for being so sensitive to your son, and I commend your son on being able to express his emotion in what I see as a healthy way.

 

[Dan58]

I doubt your son's anger issues can be solely attributed to the absence of his Dad, but I'm sure the broken promises are a let down, especially for an 8 year old. The best therapy might be to just try your best to fill the void. Take him fishing yourself, or maybe get him involved with men who can kind of mentor him (Cub scouts). Its sad that he felt left-out on Father's Day, but that's going to be an ongoing issue, so maybe divert that occasion to your Dad (grampa). Perhaps he'll better understand the situation as he matures. However, if his short tempter and anger issues are only directed towards you, I suspect there are other underlining problems. Don't over-compensate or baby him, a spoiled child will often lash out for attention, i.e; I'm not happy Mom and its your fault... jmo

 

[notuptome]

Be careful where you send your son to get the male companionship that he needs. He is in just the kind of emotional state that child predators dream of.

I hope you are in a good bible church and that there are men in the church with children of their own that can and will mentor your son.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[MissMechanic]

Thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement. It boggles my mind that his dad doesn't make an effort to be a part of his life. I just pray that he leans to Christ when he is feeling down. I take him hunting, fishing, we build things together, I'm teaching how to weld, but it's still not the same to him without having a dad around. He does say I'm a pretty cool mom, but knowing how dear my dad is to me, I just can't imagine not having one at all. It hurts me to see my baby hurting.

 

[Ariel82]

Maybe granddad can help?

 

[Sirk]

I feel really sad for your boy that his dad is such an ignoramus. But it sounds like you are a great mom. My son goes week to week with me and his mom. His mom is really a superstar mom but when he is with his mom he calls me or messages me daily. He doesn't really reach out to his mom like that when he is with me. Boys need a dad. I pray his dad pulls his head out.

 

[HisHolly]

I don't have quite the same situation but it is similar. my son is 9 and his father died when my son was 8wks old. His dads family comes when they want to and he has a hard time with fathers day and more so as he gets older..
I tell him the truth. I never candy coat someone ditching him. when they say they will come and don't I tell him they changed their mind or whatever happened. I never glorify anyone that breaks their word. I love him and tell him I do. if anyone else wants him to know then its on them. I carry it all and I don't let others who do nothing get credit they don't deserve...
I also talk to him about everything. I tell him their lack of interest isn't bc of him but them. I tell him whatever emotions he has concerning his family are perfectly ok but don't let them change who he is. We talk a lot and I make sure I keep my word always and I don't over compensate. I love him and he knows bc we do things he enjoys and I never ask him to be different. a void will be there but as long as you do your part you can help them to feel full and take their mind off what they don't have..
Im not expert but I hope something helps... Pm me if you ever want to

 

[loveandpeace99]

As someone who grew up without a dad, I empathize with your son... It pains me still but I don't hate him. Show your son the best time ever, filled with lots of fun and joy.

 

[Depleted]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
My 8 year old son has been very full of anger and short-tempered lately. He is only this way with me and I know why he is upset, but I do not know how to help him.

His biological father has only came to see him 4 times since he was born. The last time he came, he promised my son that we would all go fishing the following weekend. That was almost 2 years ago now. He never came, never called, never replied to any text messages.

Father's day is an exceptionally rough time for him. When I picked him up from Summer care last week, he made a point to tell me that he hated daycare that day. I asked why and he said because he did not participate in all of the fathers day crafts because he doesn't have a dad anyways and none of the other kids understand.

On that same trip home, I saw him drawing a picture. He then wrote his dad's name above it. It was an angry face with its tongue sticking out. He then wrote his name and a very mad looking face.

I asked him what that picture was and he said, that was his dad sticking hiso tongue out because he had teased him and told him he wanted to see him, but that he was lying. He said the other face was him because he was mad at his dad.

He does fine for a few days, but as he gets older and he understands things more, I just don't know how to talk to him about this and what to say to make it better.

Thank you for reading and I need all the advice that I can get.

It seems to me your son is processing the lack of his father being around correctly. He's angry most at Father's Day? That seems about right. He's 8 and doesn't remember Father's Day for the first 2-3 years of his life, so he's only had to deal with that day 5-6 times. He dealt with his father's no show quicker than you have. He doesn't like it, but if he held onto it, it wouldn't have just been recently that he's angry and short-tempered.

He's not alone. 23% of kids grow up without a dad.

I also think you're leaving no room for it not being something else. I had/have streaks of anger too and my Dad is still around. Growing up for the first ten years, I can see my two brothers and I had streaks of anger. My oldest brother in particular. (Guess who he usually took it out on, and his lasted for decades.) My streaks have a lot to do with feeling incompetent. ("I should be able to do that. Most people my age can.") Add to that, whenever I verbalize that, the number one answer seems to be "don't be silly. That's nothing to be angry about." Peachy keen! No what that taught me? I'm both incompetent AND silly. And that's not me joking around there. It's infuriating when people tell me I'm not supposed to be having an emotion or I'm silly. Emotions come and go. There is no way of controling them so they don't come. But it sure is nice if someone really accepts why I'm in a mood, instead of telling me the mood is silly. It's nice being listened to.

I don't know why in today's society no one is ever supposed to be angry. If you look at today's society, there's a lot to be angry about.

Next time your son draws a picture of his Dad, don't accept his excuse for how that's not his Dad. Tell him he is allowed to be angry with his father. The father is doing something worth getting angry over. The real thing your son needs to learn is to not let his father's bad choices define who HE is. It doesn't punish the father. It punishes himself.

Let him be angry. Ask him why he is. A good thing to learn in life is what emotion happens at what time. If he starts recognizing that the middle of June makes him angry, he then gets to choose if he wants to just accept that's what happens, (which is fine as a choice) or he wants to come up with a different choice and do something special for himself to celebrate his own Independence Day rather than going through the loss year after year. (And, again, that is IF all this is about his Dad in reality.)

By observing what sets me off, I learned how to avoid the trigger, if I didn't like it, live through the trigger, if I can't avoid it, and accept that that is a trigger.

Three things that set off my anger:
1. Incompetency. I then choose if I want to put in the effort to learn how to do whatever it is I can't. If I do, then I'm no longer incompetent in that. If I don't, then oh well, I know someone else is always going to have to do that for me.

2. PMS. I used to have total meltdown about once every five weeks and had no idea why. Mom got cancer when I was 15 and died when I was 16, so the logical person to teach me why on that one couldn't. Fortunately, hubby picked up on it after a couple of years and told me. I never could control the anger, but at least I knew I wasn't crazy. I finally won that war. Postmenopause is my friend. lol

3. Mobbing syndrome. I mostly get angry when a group of people target one person. I'm the one who will join the person to fight against that side-by-side. We might not win, but at least the person isn't alone.

I really did learn what sets me off simply because people gave me the time to ask why I'm angry and accepted any answer, right down to "stupid flash drive won't go into the slot." Instead of telling me I'm being silly for being angry, they helped me figure out if it's me or the object. Usually me. But, at least I now know which side is up on that flash drive and I wasn't considered silly for feeling the emotion I have no control over.

So help him recognize why he's angry and then be his allie for learning how to deal with that. This doesn't require a shrink.

 

[Ariel82]

The kids might not need a shrink but sometimes I feel like I do. Lol.

 

[Sirk]

All kids need to be taught that they have authority over the negative voice in their head.

 

[notmyown]

All kids need to be taught that they have authority over the negative voice in their head.

and stop playing those old tapes! (that's how old i am... they're tapes. lol)

easier said than done, tho.