Anyone know the struggle of arguing with you sibling as adults? Identical twins

Ktxs · Jul 14, 2016

Hi! I'm a young adult woman, currently living with my identical twin sister. We live together, and work together, and share most of the same friends. We definitely spend most of our time together. We argue and bicker over the dumbest things.

Sometimes these arguments turn into loud yelling and screaming matches. It feels ridiculous as a 25 year old young Christian woman to still bicker with my sister as if we were children. I absolutely HATE arguing with her, it makes me angry, sad, and gives me great anxiety. Mainly because our Lord is looking at us behaving so foolishly. In fact, I have been trying to type this short entry for the past 45 minutes, but can't finish it because she and I are yelling at one another!

We were really close and inseparable as children and teenagers. As adults, we can be getting along one second and LITERALLY arguing the next. It is bizarre. I am a non confrontational person, and have always been quiet and shy and calm and patient and gentle. Yet, with her, I sometimes am a totally different person. I also have an older sister and a little brother, and we would never talk to or argue with one another, the way my twin and I do. I hate when we behave this way. I know she hates when we behave this way also. It causes us both grief and anxiety. I believe we have both gone through traumatic events in our lives, which leads to our fighting, since we have no other way to release our pain. We love eachother more than any other person, but can't seem to cut out the fighting. We both need to pray about it more. Has anyone else struggled with sibling rivalry in their adult lives lol? Any advice, encouragement, or prayer would be appreciated!

God bless!

wisebeardman · Jul 14, 2016

maybe it is time to get away from each other for awhile.

Ktxs · Jul 14, 2016

Some time apart would be wonderful

wisebeardman · Jul 14, 2016

number one, make it so..

Ugly · Jul 14, 2016

Hi Ktxs
I can't entirely say i understand, but i'll share what i can and hope something useful stems from it.

I am an adult with 3 half siblings, though we were raised as if we were full blood. They were all older and came from my mothers first marriage, whereas i was the only child between my parents. Despite our not being full blood related ever being made an issue, i'd always felt a chasm between us. Kind of me and them, rather than us. Some of it was simply age differences, but also they seemed to have different ideas of how things worked.
I, for example, believe people should be held accountable for their actions and providing consequences is a good thing, where they were more 'family first' and letting bad behavior and bad treatment go unchecked in the name of family. As i started getting into my teens and forming my own views, and getting saved, which shaped my views this was really when the divide started to grow as that is when those beliefs began to take shape.
Now i'm 40 and i have a total emotional disconnect from my siblings. Two of them are in the area, one of which actually lives where i am living. Mostly i avoid her as much as possible. She is the one i, traditionally, got along with the least as she was always the addict and liar, manipulator and played the victim. Even today she lied to me about another family member saying a racist statement. She's lied to me about our mother. And so on.
The other in the area was mostly out of my life growing up, so i never got to know him well. A few years ago, when he moved up here i actually ended up having a blowout with him and yelling at each other, something that is not the norm for me. Because of what he said i have pretty much lost any interest in trying to get to know him better, as well as a few other reasons that support that lack of interest.
The third lives in another state, thankfully. I have traditionally had the least problems with her, up until last Dec when an issue came up and we had a blowout as well.
So, all in all, i am not close to any of my siblings, and never really have been. I've had my share of arguments with them when i was younger, but now i tend to simply avoid them mostly, or avoid any serious issues if i am around them. I'm ok with this setup and would have zero problem never speaking to any of them again. Not that i wish anything bad for them, but to me they are like a neighbor you talk to every few months. One day when you move, you just forget about them.

I have an ex who had a (non-identical) twin sister. When those two fought it was not at all pretty. My ex's sister was a huge instigator and verbal abuser and would become nearly crazed with anger (i saw this first hand, so i am confident she is the instigator), particularly against her sister. And my ex, having issues of her own would try to handle it, but she would have her limits and there were many times i thought it was going to come to blows.
But two days later it was as if nothing happened. While i wouldn't say they were close, but they got along well enough that you would think they had a pretty decent relationship, despite most of it being confrontational. I don't see things changing between them unless her sister gets help. Even then it won't be great, but it Could be better.

I will share something, and before you deny it could Ever happen, let me assure you that taking that belief is the first step towards setting yourself up to be proven wrong. This habit of yelling at your sister. It needs to stop. Once you open the door to raising your voice, it begins leaking into other close relationships. It becomes comfortable and you get desensitized to it. I have never been one to yell, i'm actually a pretty soft spoken person. But with my ex, yelling was a normal part of arguing. The last two times i visit her, after we broke up, i found myself raising my voice during each argument, as that is how she is. It took nearly a year before i started, and didn't start till after we broke up, but it happened. I'm still not some loud guy raging, but it's more than i was raised around and more than my nature is accustomed to, so it's an uncomfortable thought.

One thing i learned, when with my argumentative ex, was that soon as you decide that A) you don't have to have the last word, B) you don't have to 'win' the argument and C) that the person in front of you is more important to you than the topic of the argument, the ability to diffuse the argument will come to you quickly.
What worked with me, when i would realize, during the argument, how much i was hating what was going on, was to stop responding to them, first. Just close your mouth and let them get it out. Calm yourself and drop all aggressive body language and expressions. And don't expect them to just suddenly calm down, but realize you are going to have to do a little work to end things.
Let them finish what they have to say (unless they go on and on and on, then you may have to be assertive and cut it off) then just quietly look at them and tell them you don't want to argue and that they are more important to you than X topic or than you being right is. It's pretty hard for people to stay upset with you for long when you say that. For some it may take a minute or two, but if you just sit quietly or continue expressing positive things to them, it will quickly end the argument and possibly open the door in the future for things to cool down faster.

Another thing is, get together and create a plan. Perhaps when you find yourselves beginning to argue just agree to go into separate rooms and calm down, then go back and discuss things calmly. Or have a word or phrase that you guys can use to point out 'ok, we're getting out of hand', for whoever is the first to spot it. And that could be a sign that the other needs to stop talking and cool down.

So there are ways around such things. I think sometimes it's just easy to take people from granted, or even living together may make things tricky. When i was dating my ex i would be there at least a month, sometimes more. We would burn out because we were not apart from each other often during those times and things would get tense. We loved each other, but needed space and weren't able to get it. So we argued more. So make sure you are each getting time away from each other.

Hope there's something useful for you in here.

Ktxs · Jul 15, 2016

Ugly said:

Hi Ktxs
I can't entirely say i understand, but i'll share what i can and hope something useful stems from it.

I am an adult with 3 half siblings, though we were raised as if we were full blood. They were all older and came from my mothers first marriage, whereas i was the only child between my parents. Despite our not being full blood related ever being made an issue, i'd always felt a chasm between us. Kind of me and them, rather than us. Some of it was simply age differences, but also they seemed to have different ideas of how things worked.
I, for example, believe people should be held accountable for their actions and providing consequences is a good thing, where they were more 'family first' and letting bad behavior and bad treatment go unchecked in the name of family. As i started getting into my teens and forming my own views, and getting saved, which shaped my views this was really when the divide started to grow as that is when those beliefs began to take shape.
Now i'm 40 and i have a total emotional disconnect from my siblings. Two of them are in the area, one of which actually lives where i am living. Mostly i avoid her as much as possible. She is the one i, traditionally, got along with the least as she was always the addict and liar, manipulator and played the victim. Even today she lied to me about another family member saying a racist statement. She's lied to me about our mother. And so on.
The other in the area was mostly out of my life growing up, so i never got to know him well. A few years ago, when he moved up here i actually ended up having a blowout with him and yelling at each other, something that is not the norm for me. Because of what he said i have pretty much lost any interest in trying to get to know him better, as well as a few other reasons that support that lack of interest.
The third lives in another state, thankfully. I have traditionally had the least problems with her, up until last Dec when an issue came up and we had a blowout as well.
So, all in all, i am not close to any of my siblings, and never really have been. I've had my share of arguments with them when i was younger, but now i tend to simply avoid them mostly, or avoid any serious issues if i am around them. I'm ok with this setup and would have zero problem never speaking to any of them again. Not that i wish anything bad for them, but to me they are like a neighbor you talk to every few months. One day when you move, you just forget about them.

I have an ex who had a (non-identical) twin sister. When those two fought it was not at all pretty. My ex's sister was a huge instigator and verbal abuser and would become nearly crazed with anger (i saw this first hand, so i am confident she is the instigator), particularly against her sister. And my ex, having issues of her own would try to handle it, but she would have her limits and there were many times i thought it was going to come to blows.
But two days later it was as if nothing happened. While i wouldn't say they were close, but they got along well enough that you would think they had a pretty decent relationship, despite most of it being confrontational. I don't see things changing between them unless her sister gets help. Even then it won't be great, but it Could be better.

I will share something, and before you deny it could Ever happen, let me assure you that taking that belief is the first step towards setting yourself up to be proven wrong. This habit of yelling at your sister. It needs to stop. Once you open the door to raising your voice, it begins leaking into other close relationships. It becomes comfortable and you get desensitized to it. I have never been one to yell, i'm actually a pretty soft spoken person. But with my ex, yelling was a normal part of arguing. The last two times i visit her, after we broke up, i found myself raising my voice during each argument, as that is how she is. It took nearly a year before i started, and didn't start till after we broke up, but it happened. I'm still not some loud guy raging, but it's more than i was raised around and more than my nature is accustomed to, so it's an uncomfortable thought.

One thing i learned, when with my argumentative ex, was that soon as you decide that A) you don't have to have the last word, B) you don't have to 'win' the argument and C) that the person in front of you is more important to you than the topic of the argument, the ability to diffuse the argument will come to you quickly.
What worked with me, when i would realize, during the argument, how much i was hating what was going on, was to stop responding to them, first. Just close your mouth and let them get it out. Calm yourself and drop all aggressive body language and expressions. And don't expect them to just suddenly calm down, but realize you are going to have to do a little work to end things.
Let them finish what they have to say (unless they go on and on and on, then you may have to be assertive and cut it off) then just quietly look at them and tell them you don't want to argue and that they are more important to you than X topic or than you being right is. It's pretty hard for people to stay upset with you for long when you say that. For some it may take a minute or two, but if you just sit quietly or continue expressing positive things to them, it will quickly end the argument and possibly open the door in the future for things to cool down faster.

Another thing is, get together and create a plan. Perhaps when you find yourselves beginning to argue just agree to go into separate rooms and calm down, then go back and discuss things calmly. Or have a word or phrase that you guys can use to point out 'ok, we're getting out of hand', for whoever is the first to spot it. And that could be a sign that the other needs to stop talking and cool down.

So there are ways around such things. I think sometimes it's just easy to take people from granted, or even living together may make things tricky. When i was dating my ex i would be there at least a month, sometimes more. We would burn out because we were not apart from each other often during those times and things would get tense. We loved each other, but needed space and weren't able to get it. So we argued more. So make sure you are each getting time away from each other.

Hope there's something useful for you in here.

Hello, Ugly. Although "ugly" is not a nice name to address someone by lol. That felt weird to say "hello, Ugly."

Thank you so much for sharing your past with me. I'm really sorry to hear you aren't close with any of your siblings, that would break my heart. I love both my sisters and my brother dearly. My twin and I definitely have the closest bond. I'm also sorry to hear things weren't healthy in the ex relationship you mentioned.

You really gave me some good tips and advice. I always have the mind to diffuse the situation, even if I feel she's the instigator, but it typically doesn't work. We are both strong willed, and we both have an issue with needing to have the last word. You're right, I need to work harder on my part, instead of just expecting a new result to happen with no changes in our actions. She and I both calm down and apologize to one another later, then things are back to normal until the next argument. There are times we go days without fighting, those times are blessings!

I'm definitely a defensive person when it comes to her and I arguing. When she yells at me, I feel I have to yell back. We both A defense mechanism to protect myself I suppose. We both are terrible as far as interrupting eachother when one is trying to speak. I have a problem listening to someone who is yelling and insulting me. My instinct is to yell and insult back. It's awful behavior! It's difficult for me NOT to feel infuriated in those moments, but I'm really going to try to be calm and diffuse the situations with love and patience and gentleness from now on. Thank you for your response! It was really helpful.

Ugly · Jul 15, 2016

Ktxs said:

It's my name though =D

One thing i find helps in such things is thinking on what you want to do, throughout the day, every day. So planning out how you want to be, imagining yourself stopping yourself during an argument and what kinds of things to say. Planning in your mind, ahead of time, that she may continue yelling, but that you are going to resist reacting. Thinking of it all in your mind, often as you can (reasonably of course), really helps to prepare you for that moment when things go down. This way your mind is already geared towards that thinking and you are already braced for the initial difficulty. It's something i try to do in times like this, and it has helped a Lot.
Just thinking you want to do things differently is much less effective than going over it in your head again and again.

Dan58 · Jul 15, 2016

Ktxs said:

Its excellent practice for marriage

I've learned that the only way to prevent an argument is to keep my mouth shut. The trick is to never have an opinion. They'll still drive you nuts, but the silence is golden.

Ktxs · Jul 15, 2016

Dan58 said:

Lol I compare our relationship to marriage all the time. I hope my future husband and I don't ever argue like she and I do! Silence is golden.

Proverbs 17:28English Standard Version (ESV)

28 Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise;
when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

NewWine · Jul 15, 2016

I am a yeller... or at least I was. My husband and I used to yell just being excited joyfully, let alone when angry. I had to teach myself anger self control, because like you, otherwise, I am a non confrontational person.
I can't say I understand a "twin's" relationship, but I can offer what did to help myself and husband, and what I tell my 2 grown daughters who tend to argue/bicker over tiny things also. I tell them, when the other starts to argue, just don't. Don't talk back to the other. Just completely ignore the other if need be, and let her get all the steam out while you're ignoring her, and then she will be calm, and life can go back to creamy chewiness. At first you may need to physically get into your car and leave, but you will learn over time how to just block the yelling out. It's a trick to learn, but quite effective if you can ever master it.

I know you're twins and twins are often inseparable, but perhaps living together isn't the best thing for you maybe even just living next door would be enough separation. The one thing that ended the bickering with them, was getting their own places. Their bickering was over things like the dishes, or who did more around the apartment and so on, and once they each had their own places....that ended. Now they are like two peas in a pod again....and all three girls are super tight, have each others' back and aren't afraid to tell each other when they are wrong, as well as. when they are doing awesome....they are sisters.

Ktxs · Jul 15, 2016

NewWine said:

NewWine, thank you for your advice! Your daughters sound alot like my sister and I. We argue over chores and money etc.. It would be really beneficial if we each had our own place, but since we have a business together, it is more practical to live together. It's also financially easier to split costs between 2 people. I think it might be time for us to seriously looking into moving apart. If we had our own bills and such, we wouldn't have any reason to argue because she would be responsible for herself, and I would be responsible for myself. Thanks again!

1up · Jul 15, 2016

Having a older brother. I can speak from experience on this one being that we have done the whole roommate thing. Eventually as you grow up you start living your own lives. I know your twins but it is bound to happen. If you want the bickering and arguments to stop. Your going to have to well live those separate lives. When you two become married it will happen. When you have your own place. You can make your own rules and don't have to answer to no one. Me and my bro are the best together. Living together as roomies not so much. Evaluate what would make you happy because your are responsible for that happiness and God wants you happy. Have a great day

Ktxs · Jul 15, 2016

1up said:

Thanks 1up! I'm positive the arguing will stop once we are married and apart. I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one who has experienced arguing as an adult. Have a great weekend!

wwjd_kilden · Jul 15, 2016

I have a friend who doesn't understand that he is too clingy (even if I tell him....), and before we moved to separate cities I was about ready to kill him. (He is a very nice guy! ... jut way too clingy). So I understand the frustration.

Try to make sure you have some time alone every day, and some extended time alone every month, or maybe even every week. It does wonders.

Ktxs · Jul 15, 2016

wwjd_kilden said:

Oh overly clingy people can be a frustration. Time alone is much needed. I'm getting to the point where I may just have to go stay at a hotel in my city, JUST to get away. Thanks!

Depleted · Jul 15, 2016

Ktxs said:

I've got no identical twin, but I grew up with two older brothers, and 11 years later, got another brother. (Have another sister and brother, but I was your age when they started coming along, so I didn't grow up with them.) None of us were able to change our relationship with each other. How we acted as kids around each other was how we acted as teens around each other. The thing that did change us was not living together once we hit 18. Each of us moved out and got busy for a few years. College for my oldest brother and me, making it on his own for older brother, and honestly? Nothing changed in our relationship with the youngest until he moved out. Even when we went home to visit, it was like time had stayed still and we were right back where we were before we left. But then he went to college and by the time he moved back into the area, the relationship changed.

I think there is something to be said with getting away from family for a few years to become your own person. We were expected to act a certain way, so we did. Without any family expectation frowning down on us, we could become who we were as adults.

BTW, don't count on not arguing once you get married. As a kid I was the one who actually believed "shut up," so I did. Once on my own, I found I enjoyed arguing because that meant someone was finally listening. I still love arguing, although, oddly enough the person I argue with the least is my hubby. (We listen to each other even if we're not arguing, so why argue?)

santuzza · Jul 16, 2016

It's time you separated and started living your own individual lives.

Your twin is not your spouse. She's your sister. And when sisters grow up, they go their own ways. It's natural.

What you're doing now is very unusual -- you've lived your entire lives together, and I admire that, but it's time to move on. I wish my sister and I were that close, but we are very different people, so that's not going to happen. And even through you and your sister are obviously very close and very similar, God DID make you different from each other in one way or another.

Personally, I see the bickering and arguing as God's way of telling each of you to separate and live your own lives. It will make the times you are together much sweeter! And, I bet the bickering and arguing will stop.

HisHolly · Jul 16, 2016

How about get in the word and spend time with God? Let yourself be transformed... It's astonishing how much advice is given in these forums that have nothing to do with transformation and allowing the HS to work in us... Are we not on a Christian site? Yet way too much regular advice is given.. That can be told and asked anywhere. It doesn't make it better bc a believer said it.. Advice difference should be content.

obby · Jul 16, 2016

@ktxs, of my siblings, my sister is the hardest to get along perfectly with. We are not twins and she is younger anyway but for as long as i remember from childhood till date,she has always been the proud and imposing one.Everything btw us has always been a competition.In varsity, we had to live apart because i knew very well what could happen.Towards graduation, my parents forcefully made us live together.It was rosy at times and other times it was war.
Today we work in different states and dont have the time to quarrel.Rivalry is common among females. Perhaps when u stay apart, she would cherish u better

Hellooo · Jul 16, 2016

When you're really close to your siblings, they know EXACTLY which buttons to push, and which ones will particularly hurt.

My sisters and I go back and forth with occasional blow ups and being inseparable but we all tend to get over any fighting pretty quickly as adults. (Not the case as kids/teens) I'm the oldest, and I tend to just immediately exit the situation or communicate that I'm done talking if I can sense that we are about to start getting too irrational. I know that's not always the healthiest approach either, but I know myself well enough to realize i don't think straight when I'm angry. we all know when we've hit our limits, and there's an underlying understanding even when we argue that there's no malicious intent or hatred

If you and your twin are living together, working together, and sharing the same social groups, when these inevitable arguments start up, try to insist on tabling the conversation until you are less angry, or physically remove yourself for a few hours

It's nice to see that you guys are so close though, ktxs!

Anyone know the struggle of arguing with you sibling as adults? Identical twins

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