Trouble with girlfriend's mom...

[Vidy]

Ok guys... I want your opinions on this. Yes, I'm going for a "who's right, me or her?" thing, though I will accept "You were right here, she was right here, you were BOTH wrong here, ect." answers.

Ok, facebook lost the first few sentences of the conversation, so I'm going to tell you how it went in general. Also note- I'm in a distanced relationship with my girlfriend. Our families are friend, and my sister is friends with my girlfriend. Over the past few years, since I started going out with her, my sister has felt kinda left out on trips. This Spring Break was supposed to be different for her, a trip FOR her, without me, but because they waited 'till the last minute for plans, it didn't work. Now, here's how this went (K is short for my sister's name, Krysta, and Brit is my girlfriend)


"Me- Hey
her- hey
me- Hey, I thought I might let you know- my dad said easter break was a week. I look it up online and it says only 2 days, so I'm going to have to check the school this Monday, but there MIGHT be a second chance for K to visit
her- Ok, I'll talk to your mom about it. Don't talk to K and get her hopes up or anything, though
Me- Don't worry, i haven't. Just be sure to get it done soon if you want it to happen, 'cause it's only 2 weeks 'till the break
her- I don't feel like being pressured to make plans right now
me- ok.....
her- I've just had surgery, so we really need to just focus on our family right now and not have to worry about plans
me- ok.... =/
her- We really need family time right now, so we just need to keep all of our plans clear with no plans to see Brit any time soon
me- I guess =/
her- I got to go, bye

*she logs off*
about 5 minutes later, she comes on with a rant along the lines of

"I'm sorry this is harsh, but with a family with 6 children, we already have enough confrontation and we don't need a 7th person questioning my authority. You need to just keep your opinions to yourself and not tell your opinions to me or Brit, because we don't need you spreading a negative influence in our family right now."

Now, i come back with something like

"That was completely uncalled for. I have not questioned you in any way, and I HAVE kept my opinions to myself. Can you please provide an explanation as to how I've done wrong? If you can't, can you please give me an apology?"

And this is the conversation word-for-word from there. Also note that about 2/3 down, I WAS wrong about the wording, it WAS trivial, and in the conversation I pushed it off as no big deal anyway XD


"
Andrew

I don't know why you went off on me all of a sudden ?
2:04pmWanda

not really but that is not worth argueing about at this point for me
i shared my thoughts with you because of you comments when i said what i did about focusing on our family right now
2:05pmAndrew

It kinda is, because I feel like I've been attacked for no good cause and would like either an explanation or apology =(

I made no comments. I said "ok..." and "I guess =/"
2:05pmWanda

you make those negative comments that let me know you disagree
2:06pmAndrew

I never said I disagreed... it just shows I don't like it all too much, even if I DID agree
and I may agree with some parts and disagree with others, you just won't know unless you ask me, which you haven't done, so....
2:07pmWanda

this is the very thing i am done doing with you debating about every little thing
2:09pmWanda

the bottom line is you have become a negative influence concerning what we choose for our family and we do not want to hear it anyomore nor do we want brittany hearing it either
support us in what we do as a family or keep your opinion to your self
2:10pmAndrew

see? That's what I don't understand... how have I become a negative influence? What have I DONE or CAUSED?
2:11pmWanda

It is the lack of support and encouragement as part of what we do as a family
2:13pmWanda

It is good for us to not commit to anything over the next few months including a committed time or amount of time you get with brit
now you are trying to organing a trip that does not include you but would allow you to see brit
2:13pmAndrew

for like 20min tops -.-
2:14pmWanda

a few days ago you wanted me to commit to time on the phone with brit
we are taking it a day at a time right now trying to recover from my surgery and get caught up on school
then we ave a nother surgery coming in 4 weeks that will take me 6 to 8 weeks to heal
this is why your dating retionshio with birit is not important to us right now
we are focusing on us and need you to understand that and support that instead of worrying about what you are going to get out of the deal
can you grasp this at all
2:18pmAndrew

Yes, and I still see no reason to shove me to the bottom of all priorities
less important doesn't mean not improtant at all
2:18pmWanda

your are important to brit so you are important to us but you are not a priority right now for any of us
you have to accept that
2:20pmAndrew

This may be a trivial thing, but I noticed...
2:20pmWanda

noticed what
2:21pmAndrew

You just said "You're improtant to Brit" and "You're not important to any of us" in the same message...
?
2:24pmWanda

are you going to clarify if not i am going
2:25pmAndrew

It may be trivial and accidental, but you just separated Brit from your family there...
doesn't look like unity to me...
2:25pmWanda

I am going to share this conversation with Mr Victor and with your parents hoping that they can help with the situation. Perhaps you and I are misunderstanding one another to the point of conflict.
2:26pmAndrew

I'm still confused as to what I've done 0_o
2:26pmWanda

What are you talking about
2:26pmAndrew

I'm saying you said Brit thinks I'm improtant, but none of "YOU" think I'm important... so apparently Brit is not any of you?
yeah, prolly trivial and/or accidental...
2:29pmWanda

i said you were important to brit and important to us but not a priority right now due to what is going on in our family at the moment
2:31pmAndrew

You said not important to us, pretty sure... prolly a mistype, no worry =)

But please, what have I done wrong?? I don't remember pressing my opinion on anyone....
2:32pmWanda

It is just the negative attitude about not having time with her or the way we do things or a decision we make
2:33pmWanda

and you do share your disagreement with her or me and it is negative and i am asking you to stop and just be a more positive and supporting part of this family or do not be a part at all
2:33pmAndrew

And I'm supposed to NOT dislike the idea of not spending any time with her? And more than that, I'm supposed to SUPPORT it?
Tbh, I don't think I've said or even felt much more than "That sucks =(

"
2:34pmWanda

I am tired of this Andrew, you do not have to like it but you could zoom out a little and be more mature about it instead complaning and questioning us as the parents.
2:35pmAndrew

That's the thing, I HAVEN'T complained, I don't know where you're getting this from
2:39pmWanda

This is going nowhere but around and around so please just keep your opinion about what we choose as a family to yourself or share it somewhere else besides with those in our family. We need you to encourage our daughter to honor her mother and father.
That seemed to be the direction you were headed early on in our conversation and I stopped it as soon as I felt it coming. I will not do this with you anymore. We are the final say in our family and we are tired of being questioned about what we do or made to feel we are doing it wrong according to you. That is how you make me feel anytime I tell you what we think or have decided.
2:40pmAndrew

I haven't questioned you! The only thing I've questioned in this conversation
is the fact that I've been questioning you XD
and that's because I feel accused and attacked for no reason, haven't been given any examples, and haven't recieved any form of apology....
2:44pmWanda

I will get you parents and Mr Victor to help with this one. For now I am going to stop talking to you about this.
We are not going to get anywhere disagreeing.
2:45pmAndrew

kk =/
I just want an example as to hwo I've been questioning you...
2:49pmWanda is offline."

 

[MonicaR]

Wow that was a bit harsh. Well whether she was wrong or right i don't think you should ask her to apologize to you. I mean it sounds like you had a reasonable question, i don't see where you were questioning their family decisions or whatever she kept talking about. I don't get where her frustration with your previous convo was coming from either but it can also be a long time coming and she just let it all out on you at once. But as an older person you should just respect her. Even if she is in the wrong. It sounds as if she hurt your feelings as well, but if you try to explain that to her she may not understand. Pray for her.

 

[Vidy]

I asked he again for a specific example, and she said "I will not recall any specific examples." I think she meant "cannot recall" though. She's now pushed the conversation to her husband, and I have FAR more respect for him (though I NEVER show disrespect to her ~_o). Also, this WAS a long thing coming. About a month ago, I was visiting for Valentine's day, and I was talking to Mr V about a rule they had set on me and Brit for no reason after 2 years (I had went to him alone on purpose)... We now cannot be within 2 inches of each others' side when sitting down, which honestly makes putting my arm around her uncomfortable XD Anyway, she came (uninvited) into the conversation and went on a similar rant, but covered more topics.

The main point of that, though, was "Stop complaining about the rules I set because I'm the authority and you shouldn't question me at all ever." Well, since then, I've done my best to keep talking to her, and I hold my tongue (well, fingers) when she says something I strongly disagree with... Though I still type what I WOULD do to "hold my tongue" irl, because I type EXACTLY how I act in person ^_^ But anyway, she even told me one a coupla of weeks ago, "see? This is nice, being able to have a conversation without arguments." Well, the conversations haven't changed any at all.

About a week ago, they went on a family trip to grandparents. I didn't want to interfere too much with Brit's family time, even though I still wanted texting/talking. We never got to talk because her grandparents didn't want her to have her phone, period, and I asked constantly if texting was any trouble, and I made sure I made no interferences. Brit stayed with her sisters at her grandparents' house, and Mrs. Wanda went back home with the boys. I was talking to her, and I said that it stank how it would be 2 solid weeks of no talking (it's coming up on 3 weeks now). I asked if MAYBE after the trip, we could have a day or two of unlimited talk time instead of having our 1-hour restriction, seeing as I hadn't talked to her in forever. Mrs. Wanda said she didn't want to make any commitments, and I said "Ok, I just want you to consider it =)" I made sure I was very polite about it.

A couple of days later, she came out of NOWHERE and said "I support your dating relationship but I don't support marriage." I may have been SLIGHTLY argumentative in that argument, because I really think her ideologies on dating are insane... She wants us to be "just dating" instead of building a relationship with an end goal of marriage. She said she's concerned when a relationship gets serious, and would have her daughter have "just a boyfriend." I don't know why on earth she started pressing HER opinion on ME about that stuff, and I presented my opinion respectfully, so she has NO reason to talk there...

And then there was the conv today. She came back after and said she's ready to end the relationship between Brit and I because she's "tired of the arguments." This makes me VERY mad (very few things make me mad at all), but at the same time it freaks me out and makes me scared and want to cry. I personally think she's psychotic, though if I want to be more realistic, I think the strain of adopting 4 kids at once is starting to catch up on her and turn her into a bit.... ter old lady XD

Anyway, I'm supposed to talk to Mr V tomorrow, and hopefully he'll be less threatening and more reasonable. I've been told that I'm a lot like him, so I think we'll be able to work something out =) I'm just tired of Mrs W's constant threats and HER negative attitudes, and I can't even TALK about it to anyone in her family =(

 

[phil36]

Well your learning a hard lesson.. you have discovered woman talk... only joking.

I think she was maybe looking for a bit more then 'I guess' or 'whatever'

I can't see that you said anything wrong, when people are under stress it can make them edgy at the slightest thing.

Phil

 

[Vidy]

Well your learning a hard lesson.. you have discovered woman talk... only joking.

I think she was maybe looking for a bit more then 'I guess' or 'whatever'

I can't see that you said anything wrong, when people are under stress it can make them edgy at the slightest thing.

Phil

No, the problem is that she wants LESS than "I guess" or "ok." She does not WANT or VALUE ANY opinion that I have that is different from hers, and takes it as an attack when I bring it up. Even if I'm not being forceful and telling her what to do, she acts all offended (and I do apologize whenever she tells me I've said something in an offensive way).


I honestly don't like her at all anymore. She's a big ball of drama, and I CAN'T avoid or ignore it because she's in charge of the girl I love =( I can't express any concerns at all, and she's constantly talking about how we need to "build our relationship" and "learn to understand each other." I told her we CAN'T learn to understand each other if she won't ever let me SAY anything.

I've had the thought, "If that's what a mature adult is," or "If that's what a Christian is, I don't WANT to be one." Now, I AM a Christian, and I enjoy it, but she is a poor influence on me, even when she tries to influence me towards Christ. It's hard to now view her as the "Cranky, naggy, lecturing mean authority who doesn't let you do anything and you just ignore when she's not right there with you" kind of person =X

 

[AJ52]

dude....get away from that family

 

[Vidy]

dude....get away from that family

No. Her daughter is AWESOME, and I honestly think she's the best girl I will EVER meet. She's a Christian, talented, gorgeous, fun, and she LIKES ME BACK. I am not giving her up just because her mom is psycho. The only thing is that I can't decide whether to tell my REAL opinion to Brit or not... Because I've specifically been told not to, but if she's being taught something that will take a lot of effort to fix later on in a relationship with me, I'd rather fix it now before a wrong idea gets stuck in her head...


Makes me wish it was a few hundred years ago and I could go ahead and marry her already so I could talk to her about whatever I liked instead of having some weird authoritarian restriction 0_o

 

[kiwi_OT]

No. Her daughter is AWESOME, and I honestly think she's the best girl I will EVER meet. She's a Christian, talented, gorgeous, fun, and she LIKES ME BACK. I am not giving her up just because her mom is psycho. The only thing is that I can't decide whether to tell my REAL opinion to Brit or not... Because I've specifically been told not to, but if she's being taught something that will take a lot of effort to fix later on in a relationship with me, I'd rather fix it now before a wrong idea gets stuck in her head...


Makes me wish it was a few hundred years ago and I could go ahead and marry her already so I could talk to her about whatever I liked instead of having some weird authoritarian restriction 0_o

Gosh her parents sound SO controlling!!
What does your girlfriend think of your relationship with her parents? Does her opinion of them match up with yours?
Btw, how old is your girlfriend?

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I can totally see what you did wrong. You dont know when to stop a conversation, if its going no where. You just kept going on and on and on and on when clearly nothing was being resolved. Even after her mom said she wasnt talking to you about it anymore, you kept pushing. Probably not the best thing to do.

It is ridicules that you have to ask for ''talk time'' ive never heard of anything so stupid. I'm not sure why you stay with this girl to be honest, I read what you said about her being awesome or whatever, but come on, her mom is the one thats controlling you guys relationship, and your girlfriend is just letting her. I can see if this girl is 16 or 17 where her mom is coming from because your like what 21, but if your girlfriend is 18 or older, Then i'd say this girl aint worth it cause she cant even stand up to her mom and let her know that the two of you wanna talk to each other....

 

[miktre]

YOU WILL NOT WIN, ONLY LOSE.

There is a time for everything except fighting with the mother-in-law. I suggest trying being super, super, duper nice to her. Be supportive about the surgery and just act like you care. Win her over and you got it made.
​

 

[shanaynay-deleted]

Well it beats being tossed across a room when you look at her sideways for showing albums of the ex she wants her to go back with in front of you...

I did think the comment "you could zoom out a little" was quite funny... She had a point though. You were really a thorn in the side nit picking on some details that really could have been presented at a better time. Though it sounded like that you were not going to get(time) from her so... it is understandable.

What I heard was..

- um yeah..could you like consider us so our life does not revolve around you?
- Can't you see i am old and injured..can you give me some respect, and attention?
- I want to be loved too and I think you need to love your daughter more.
- I am more important and you are not as important because you are not blood? You better not judge me boy or I am going to DDT you. Can't you see I am sick.
- I think you need to hear what I am saying and pay attention.
- Oh jeez I don't have time for dealing with this child...let me talk to your parents so they can deal with the parenting part and then maybe get you to do what you are suppose to do-in the benefit of my perspective.

Sigh... In-laws...It could be worse?? Maybe you can buy her some flowers and tell her that you were really inconsiderate and feel so bad for her that she is hurting. You hope her next surgery does not include severing of a main artery... okay that was bad.

No really...I think maybe she might be acting this way because she is stressed out and can't think straight because of her illness. She probably has too much to deal with right now. Physical health is really necessary first before dealing with other issues.

 

[Vidy]

Yeah, I kinda see what you guys were saying... I just don't like it when someone "attacks" me and then just backs off and won't discuss it. I want to resolve an issue and have it made clear to me, instead of having to worry about super-insignificant things I've done that may have hurt someone.
Anyway, I'm supposed to call Mr V and talk to him about it in a couple of hours, so I'll let you know how it goes =) Btw, found this picture a few weeks ago and I loved it XD

 

[Matthew]

First off I would say go with Nod's advice, when a conversation gets to the point of arguing semantics just put an end to it and walk away, carrying on in that situation will only make things worse and make you both more angry.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but I'd also consider conceding a little bit of ground, you don't know all the details of what is going on within the family outside of your own relationship with her daughter, consider that she may be taking out stress on you that is coming from multiple sources and therefore over-reacting when she talks with you.

If you take a step back it takes away one of those bits of stress, once it's gone for a few days or weeks she might relax and realise you aren't the enemy and things might improve, if you both keep pushing things will only get worse for everyone, if you don't want to see that happen then take a walk on the high road and give a little space, it doesn't matter who has been wrong, what matters is who now makes the effort make things better, no good reason it shouldn't be you.

You and your girlfriend aren't far off being 18 years old, at which point you'll have a bit more authority to pursue your relationship the way you want too.

 

[shanaynay-deleted]

Well it would have been nice if at least my ex husband was hot. I guess I got a double whammy.
If there is a next, time maybe I will get a hot husband and great mother in law and call it even.

This actually kind of looks like her. Thanks for the laugh!

[/quote]

 

[artistic_dreams]

well from what i have read....i cant figure out what exactly is it that u have done wrong.....u kept asking her over and over...yet she would never reveal it.....so ya if shes not going to tell you then you had a right to ask for an apology......i take it that brit is her daughter????? well i dont know the whole story and how old all of yall are but wow thats a mother you are definitely going to have to deal w/the rest of ur life if you decide to stay w/brit.....good luck.....suggestion??? avoid talkin to her in the future...i got exhausted just reading that....she seems like she wear anyone out....

 

[artistic_dreams]

well from what i have read....i cant figure out what exactly is it that u have done wrong.....u kept asking her over and over...yet she would never reveal it.....so ya if shes not going to tell you then you had a right to ask for an apology......i take it that brit is her daughter????? well i dont know the whole story and how old all of yall are but wow thats a mother you are definitely going to have to deal w/the rest of ur life if you decide to stay w/brit.....good luck.....suggestion??? avoid talkin to her in the future...i got exhausted just reading that....she seems like she wear anyone out....

ok just went back and read all the other posts....i would suggest that you let this woman know (and yes you are risking it ) the next time she attacks you....tha you will not be treated like that.....she will treat you with respect or you are ending it right then and there....seriously dude...stop the woman in her tracks.....if ur gf is over 18 then that girl can make up her own mind.....tell this woman that you do respect her and all..but that you are an adult and by golly she will treat you as such and not as a child....stand up to her....ppl like her tend to back down fast when the realize they cant bully u around no more.....as long as you let her run all over you she is going to do so....and tell ur gf how you feel about her mother and how you are being treated.....she may be an amazing girl....but think about it.....do you honestly want to face a life that will have someone there causing you grief??? shes controlling your relationship now...its not going to stop there...its gonna move into ur wedding, marriage, kids and so forth....she takes controlling beyond the extreme....heck she gives it a whole new meaning.....from what i can tell....you have alot to think about........maybe its time to stop being so nice and get that backbone back, stand up to her and put her big mouth, bullying self back in its place....where it belongs...blessings to you

 

[Vidy]

The problem is that we AREN'T adults yet. I will be later this year, but Brit still has 3 years to go =S However, like you said, the controllingness of the relationship probably isn't going to stop. She's told me that if we end up together, I may make decisions she doesn't like, but she can't do anything because I'LL be the husband. But the way she sees it, I have ZERO rights UNTIL I'm the husband, and I think otherwise. I don't have full rights, but I should at least have a few, ya know?

 

[jimmydiggs]

This is why I have decided to wait until I am done with high school to date. That and I do not plan to stay living where I currently am. Getting involved with someone from here, will only hold me back.

 

[artistic_dreams]

oh i did not realize yall were kids.....well then yep shes the mother and if ur 17 and this girl is 15....you got a long road a head of you....im a mom of a 15 year old that wants a relationship w/a boy thats in our old town and i have said no and i mean it...shes only 15 and not ready to know what it is she truely wants......she just needs to be a kid and be kids her own age here locally....when shes 18 and wants to hunt the young man down then i cant stop her....but they talk every day on the phone...no big deal...im not worried.....wish i knew something else to tell you...but i cant....good luck...and blessings to you

ps..i dont want to upset you...no hon..you have absolutely no rights at all...you are both minors...unfortunately her momma sounds psychotic and u have to live w/what her momma wants....its her way or the high way...and it sucks for u i know.....im sorry to say that...this woman is not in anyway going to make it easy for you at all hon...so either prepare to hang on for the ride of your life or walk away...thats all u can do....she holds all the rights and u hold none over her daughter...blessings

 

[jimmydiggs]

oh i did not realize yall were kids.....well then yep shes the mother and if ur 17 and this girl is 15....you got a long road a head of you....im a mom of a 15 year old that wants a relationship w/a boy thats in our old town and i have said no and i mean it...shes only 15 and not ready to know what it is she truely wants......she just needs to be a kid and be kids her own age here locally....when shes 18 and wants to hunt the young man down then i cant stop her....but they talk every day on the phone...no big deal...im not worried.....wish i knew something else to tell you...but i cant....good luck...and blessings to you

Yeah, I always look at the age of the poster to get an insight first...