Family control freaks. Drawing lines in the sand.

[Zammer]

I don't even know where to start, because this could quickly become a very long story. I come from a broken family, and know thus affected me throughout life, but lately, now middle aged, it seems worse. Never married (would if it felt right) always career minded, independent.

At least 3 sisters, all older, are or have been controlling in the past and present. Parents are both gone, and 2 siblings gone fairly young. There are steps and halfs, and a division between what I would call the first generation of kids and phase two, when a parent remarried and added more kids.

I have a very low tolerance for being controlled. I think that is alienating me somewhat, but I think being controlled is worse.

One sister, who has hateful tendencies..such as spiteful talk about certain family and co workers, which I used to hear about frequently, when we were close, suddenly ejected me from her family. This is where I used to spend all the holidays and important events. Another family member has moved into the our childhood home her father still resides in, with her kids, and ruined it with terrible hoarding. That destroyed another family stopover and gathering place for many family, mostly the out of towners.

The hateful sister above has, in recent years, started organizing family events, but she only invites certain family. Also, she has become a family "hoarder" by having out of town and out of country guests (first and only visit by relatives from another continent) and only advised a few family so they could meet them! I was shocked and horrified that she did this.

I could just go on and on. I am pretty sure I am never mean to these people. But the mean ones always pick at me. My house is too dusty. I have too many animals ( I have a very reasonable number of horses and cats on an acreage. Low single digits. Well cared for. ) I am too fat. Or if I lost the weight, comments like " well are you just going to gain it back?"

Like I said, I could go on.

I am an outspoken educated person with a solid cared, but in school to retool for a career change. So I am really busy. They put down the career change too ( healthcare ).

I could go on. Does anyone else see trends like this in families? I make friends easily but most are younger and married with kids, or live a few towns away. Most of my childhood and college friends moved far away.

Inam am starting to wonder if I am really screwed up but can't see it. My close friends shut me down when I think that way, in a kind way, but I am going to gave to tolerate a whole lot of hurt in order to be around family, or am better off to just stay away.

 

[Zammer]

Ps tried to fix my typos but missed the 5 minute deadline! Ugh....this is my first actual post!

 

[WarriorForChrist]

Ps tried to fix my typos but missed the 5 minute deadline! Ugh....this is my first actual post!

Hi Zammer. Well I have had issues with family and one thing I have had to do is separate myself from them. One of them being my sister and her family. It is always tough to know exactly what to do with family members who treat us bad. Pray about it and God will guide you.

 

[santuzza]

Hi Zammer,

I, too, have "toxic" family. Although I have not completely cut them out of my life, I do keep my distance. Been hurt enough by them.

My husband, too, has experienced this phenomenon -- it's so very sad, but what can you do? You can't change people -- really only God can do that.

Fortunately, we have each other, but really no other family. We don't have kids (we could never conceive), so we are now in our mid-50s and realizing that we are pretty much alone and by ourselves.

We counteract this with a lot of activity in our local church. I'm the music director and hubby is involved in many other ways. Our church family is our family. If I were you, I would go in that direction. You might be surprised how many other folks are in the same situation.

Pray, study the Word of God, and concentrate on your relationship with Him. He will provide for all of your needs.

God bless you.

 

[Angela53510]

I think toxic families or at least toxic family members are very common these days. Like you said, broken homes is part of that.

But the part that I think causes it is that people are not following God. Too many unsaved people who do not know that the Bible has guidelines which work for relationships. Too many people who do not have the gifts of the Holy Spirit in their lives, even Christians.

What an amazing world we would have if everyone had love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control. We won't even get into basics like forgiveness and love your neighbour as your self.

So my thought is that you need to be secure in your relationship with Jesus. And then respond to these controllers with the fruits of the Holy Spirit. That might really surprise them! And even if they don't notice, God will! And he will be changing you into a person more like he is.

The world is full of brokenness, but only Jesus Christ can change that. Keep that in mind the next time you have to deal with their nonsense and put God above yourself, and I know God will bless you.

 

[Depleted]

Zammer,
You have an interesting definition of "control freak." Usually that means someone is telling you how to live your life and demanding you comply. Sometimes it means someone is using you to get at someone else. But ignore you? How can you be controled when you aren't even on their radar?

You're mad at them for not letting you have a place for your holidays. One "has hateful tendencies..such as spiteful talk about certain family and co workers," one is "a hoarder," and yet your flaw isn't even a flaw. You have just the right amount of animals for acreage, so you're supposed to have dust.

So, basically the big problem is you don't get your way for the holidays, so you "spiteful talk about certain family"? Who is trying to control whom?

 

[Dan58]

Sounds like a case of animosity verses tolerance.. A 'control freak' can only be empowered when one agrees to be controlled. Family members will always be more critical, but they will usually be there when society won't. They are your worst cynics and best support in one basket. So I'd just try and let the snide comments ride and put a little space between you and them when irritation rears its ugly head. There's a reason family reunions only occur once every few years. After Christmas and Thanksgiving gatherings, I'm often left thinking; 'Thank God that only comes once a year' . Blood is thicker than water, but so is maple syrup.

 

[Zammer]

Depleted....
Wow...that's not the support I thought this forum was about. Some of your comments are condescending and judgmental. Did you read the part about the sister who controls family gatherings....I am not talking about her kids, I am talking about all relatives...and decides which relatives to invite. I don't know how it is in your family, but most don't split up and draw lines in the sand. For the record, this sister is seen as a control freak by other relatives, not just me. Keeping an out of country relative at her house and not even informing some of the family they are in the country? For 2 weeks?

 

[Zammer]

Sounds like a case of animosity verses tolerance.. A 'control freak' can only be empowered when one agrees to be controlled. Family members will always be more critical, but they will usually be there when society won't. They are your worst cynics and best support in one basket. So I'd just try and let the snide comments ride and put a little space between you and them when irritation rears its ugly head. There's a reason family reunions only occur once every few years. After Christmas and Thanksgiving gatherings, I'm often left thinking; 'Thank God that only comes once a year' . Blood is thicker than water, but so is maple syrup.

i disagree somewhat. Here is a "for instance". I was told by the controlling sister I was not allowed to congratulate their daughter after sporting events in a public facility because that was their time with her. And threatened that they would stop speaking to me if I did. Regardless of whether or not I comply, this is still controlling behavior that causes conflict. It doesn't matter if the control freak gets their way or not, it doesn't stop them from this behavior.

 

[Ugly]

Depleted....
Wow...that's not the support I thought this forum was about. Some of your comments are condescending and judgmental. Did you read the part about the sister who controls family gatherings....I am not talking about her kids, I am talking about all relatives...and decides which relatives to invite. I don't know how it is in your family, but most don't split up and draw lines in the sand. For the record, this sister is seen as a control freak by other relatives, not just me. Keeping an out of country relative at her house and not even informing some of the family they are in the country? For 2 weeks?

I don't always agree with Depleted, but i have to say she did make some valid points. There's really not much to suggest anyone being so controlling. Not to the degree you are trying to make them sound. Sure, maybe a little controlling, from what you've shared, but that's all. But two points to tie into that. A) you admit yourself that you have a low tolerance for control, so you may blow such things out of proportion due to a lack of tolerance and B) people are only seeing a small sliver of a lifetime of behavior. And that small sliver does not match the accusation. So it may be wise to recognize people do not have as much to go off of to label this woman to be so controlling, as you have in your head. She may be as bad as you are telling us she is, but you haven't provided enough evidence to show it. Just one thing.
What i see you having described is more of spiteful people, than controlling. True, often the two go hand in hand. But controlling people show many more signs of control. This sounds more like elements of control coming out from the spite. That is a distinction. But, again, that's just going by what you have shared.

But to come here and trash someone for being a hoarder, is doing what Depleted pointed out. You are saying that your family tears others down, but you are discussing someone with a mental illness and talking badly about them for it. There is a parallel.

Often times in families such as this ALL members have some level of responsibility. Rarely is it the case when all of the blame falls entirely on one person while the reset remain completely innocent. While it does seem that the bulk of the blame lays on this other family member, i wouldn't say it all does.
But ultimately we have no idea what her side of the story is either. Such as what was the reason this sister suddenly ejected you from the family? And simply stating that she's hateful isn't a valid answer.

And can you truly say that 'most' families don't draw lines? Because i have seen it time and time and time again.

My personal advice to people who have such destructive families is that, if you have tried to reconcile, and they just won't, then move on. The only reason i interact with my brother and sisters is for my dads sake. If it weren't for my dad i'd have zero interest in dealing with them ever again. I am more concerned with people who have proven their friendship and care for me than i do people i happen to share blood with.

I admit a condescending tone is not a helpful tone. But support doesn't mean telling someone what they want to hear, but telling them what they need to hear. I hope you will stop and consider what i posted and that it may be of some help to you.

 

[Depleted]

Depleted....
Wow...that's not the support I thought this forum was about. Some of your comments are condescending and judgmental. Did you read the part about the sister who controls family gatherings....I am not talking about her kids, I am talking about all relatives...and decides which relatives to invite. I don't know how it is in your family, but most don't split up and draw lines in the sand. For the record, this sister is seen as a control freak by other relatives, not just me. Keeping an out of country relative at her house and not even informing some of the family they are in the country? For 2 weeks?

I'm fully aware you were expecting support. Families expect that too, but you aren't supporting. And most don't split and draw lines? Well, I learned something new. My family does. Hubby's family does. (And I'm counting our parents and grandparents' generations.) I thought most families do. I simply won't play that game. I keep treating everyone the same. If they want to end contact with me over it, they can.

Yes, my family is a wreck. I found out fourth hand that my favorite aunt died two weeks earlier. I found out my cousin's husband killed himself a month after. There are six kids in my family ranging from 62 years old to 30. Neither of Dad's marriages ended on friendly terms. In those 30 years of the youngest's life, we had one Christmas celebration together. I'm not telling who the hoarder is. I'm not telling who the gossip is. I'm not telling who the control freak is. I'm not telling who was disowned so often, we used to ask the status update to help track. (I'm one of two slobs though. lol) Not that we don't have any, but I'm not gossiping about them. We got the hoarder help. That's what family does. And if family can't get together, or won't, well we are grownups and can live with our decisions.

There's always the option of having folks over ourselves. How come you haven't had everyone over? Frankly, we just don't have the space or ability to make enough food for that many people. That and I don't like some. (Love them. Would give my life for them, but don't like them. I thought that was normal too.)

 

[Depleted]

i disagree somewhat. Here is a "for instance". I was told by the controlling sister I was not allowed to congratulate their daughter after sporting events in a public facility because that was their time with her. And threatened that they would stop speaking to me if I did. Regardless of whether or not I comply, this is still controlling behavior that causes conflict. It doesn't matter if the control freak gets their way or not, it doesn't stop them from this behavior.

The daughter is old enough for sports? I'd congratulate her. If Mom warned her too, she gets to decide how she reacts. If your sister stops speaking to you, well the rest of the family may not. That's what I mean I don't play the game. I'm sure that family will divide into their groups, but why do I have to? They're still family -- all of them. I'm not going to stop treating them like family just because one wants me to and the others have to make their decision.

We're fully aware what roll is expected of us by the controller. I don't know how the two youngest deal with it, but the rest just laugh and say things like, "Wrong person. Just because you expect me to react that way, doesn't mean that's me. Do you have any idea of who I really am?"

And, unless dementia is the cause, it does change the behavior.

 

[Zammer]

I asked if anyone has seen tendencies in families like this. If anyone would like to respond to that, please do. I didn't give the background to invite criticism of myself. I tried to keep it short, or else I could have stated more examples. Please don't make assumptions like accuse me of not caring about the family hoarder. Several of us have tried and tried to help her but we can't do any more. She is being enabled by her father and family have been threatened to stop intervening. Really, for a supposedly Christian forum, it's a little surprising how judgmental some of these replies are. And assuming I deserve this treatment by the sister, all I can say is "wow". I have a sister trying to redefine a family by her control tactics. Several of us in the family see her as controlling. I don't need anyone's analysis of my use of the word, I am asking if others gave seen this in their families.

 

[Zammer]

The daughter is old enough for sports? I'd congratulate her. If Mom warned her too, she gets to decide how she reacts. If your sister stops speaking to you, well the rest of the family may not. That's what I mean I don't play the game. I'm sure that family will divide into their groups, but why do I have to? They're still family -- all of them. I'm not going to stop treating them like family just because one wants me to and the others have to make their decision.

We're fully aware what roll is expected of us by the controller. I don't know how the two youngest deal with it, but the rest just laugh and say things like, "Wrong person. Just because you expect me to react that way, doesn't mean that's me. Do you have any idea of who I really am?"

And, unless dementia is the cause, it does change the behavior.

the daughter is 20. These are college sports.

 

[Zammer]

The daughter acts aloof and indifferent most of the time if her mom, my sister is there. If not, then she's her usual self and very interactive. It appears to me that this sister is pressuring my niece to not interact with me. The niece doesn't agree but doesn't want to be in conflict with her mom. I also want to add, controlling can be of situations and not just of other people's lives. And avoidance can certainly be used as a form of control. If I don't want to be left out, and you try to exclude me, that is certainly a form of control.

 

[BurlyCarl]

Zammer,

You are not alone. I have a sister that is a ( insert color colorful word ). She is the self proclaimed black sheep and proudly claims it. She has done nothing with her life. Likes to place the blame. Enjoys long tirades on cursing my mom out. All the while being a self righteous Pentecostal. She has made it a point to destroy one of my mom's rental properties, steal 10k in retirement money, use drugs, owes countless debts, countless evictions. She likes to remind my mom of how she was a horrible parent when 3 out of four of us went to college. She choose her life and she tends to forget she had a choice in the matter. I am 37 and really don't have time to listen to my older sister make excuse after excuse when she could of done so much more.

I stopped listening and calling my sister. She is tyrannical and no one can talk sense into her. I as her Christian brother have called her out as being a hypocrite before. Definitely some mental issues if you ask me. I don't have a close relationship with my sister because she expects. She has never really reached out for help. Everyone got tired of helping her when she wouldn't help herself. So I sympathize.

My family used to get together when my Dad was a live. he has been gone for a while. I think its funny how their are those certain family members that held everyone together and kept them coming together. We don't do that anymore and we used to be so close. My life called me away because I wanted something different. But none of my family gets together like every weekend bbq like we used too. Now its maybe once every five to seven years.

I would get away from them for a while. I don't like control freaks myself. I am the most successful out of all of my siblings and I to working in Healthcare. I understand the demands of the education and work. I know you can not divorce family. I would definitely confront your sister on the matter of name calling and not inviting you over. If their is not understanding. Start your own family and stop talking to them. Really you are responsible for your own happiness. If your busy they will understand. If not don't worry about it. Its your life and you need to make you happy and their is nothing wrong with being happy.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

The thing is, it is difficult to "report" on similar circumstances if we don't see the behaviour as controlling (but as relatively normal). The thing I can relate to though is "clique" family groups.

A part of my family sticks to themselves and never involve the rest of the family.
It's gone so far that the kids (both below five years of age) are scared of us. They never meet anyone except the parents and a few other family members who are together the whole time. They also reject or ignore most invitations to come to other family members. Thing is, it takes two (or more) to make it happen. Both parts need to try, if they don't, it won't work. Sad, but true. People can't be forced to be with each other

 

[Ugly]

I asked if anyone has seen tendencies in families like this. If anyone would like to respond to that, please do. I didn't give the background to invite criticism of myself. I tried to keep it short, or else I could have stated more examples. Please don't make assumptions like accuse me of not caring about the family hoarder. Several of us have tried and tried to help her but we can't do any more. She is being enabled by her father and family have been threatened to stop intervening. Really, for a supposedly Christian forum, it's a little surprising how judgmental some of these replies are. And assuming I deserve this treatment by the sister, all I can say is "wow". I have a sister trying to redefine a family by her control tactics. Several of us in the family see her as controlling. I don't need anyone's analysis of my use of the word, I am asking if others gave seen this in their families.

When you post in a public forum for anyone to respond to, you aren't always going to hear only what you want. You're going to get varied responses. This is a normal part of posting in a forum. Any forum.
I made it clear that i responded with only the information given and that i may not be correct in all things.
And i see that you are quick to take offense to nearly everything. I tried to offer help and you respond as a victim 'woe is me i'm being judged and criticized'. I did neither. And this is part of what i sense in many of your posts. Anger and defensiveness, even before anyone here said a word to you.
And before you try this line of "i am asking if others have seen this in their families" and trying to make it as if that's ALL you asked about, let me quote the last paragraph of your post.

Inam am starting to wonder if I am really screwed up but can't see it. My close friends shut me down when I think that way, in a kind way, but I am going to gave to tolerate a whole lot of hurt in order to be around family, or am better off to just stay away.

Sure sounds to me like you were asking for advice. We get many come through here asking for 'advice' but only wanting to be told what they want to hear. And when people don't do that, they always respond in anger and dismiss everyone and everything said. Hmmmm.

 

[NewWine]

The thing about drawing lines in the sand is every time the wind blows, the line moves.

 

[LaurenTM]

I asked if anyone has seen tendencies in families like this. If anyone would like to respond to that, please do. I didn't give the background to invite criticism of myself. I tried to keep it short, or else I could have stated more examples. Please don't make assumptions like accuse me of not caring about the family hoarder. Several of us have tried and tried to help her but we can't do any more. She is being enabled by her father and family have been threatened to stop intervening. Really, for a supposedly Christian forum, it's a little surprising how judgmental some of these replies are. And assuming I deserve this treatment by the sister, all I can say is "wow". I have a sister trying to redefine a family by her control tactics. Several of us in the family see her as controlling. I don't need anyone's analysis of my use of the word, I am asking if others gave seen this in their families.

sure Zammer I have seen tendencies in families as you describe, but not to that extreme

in fact, I find Christians often as not enjoy a good control overlord with others in their family...as in 'God told me to tell you' or 'this is for your own good' or 'you need to come back to Jesus' (when they really mean you should listen to them)

I was once left out of an extended family Christmas ... a BIG tradition that I grew up with...because the wife of my cousin had a personal grudge (I was her husband's favorite cousin and he compared us...big mistake on his part, but no matter cause he was wrong LOL) anyway, so she told everyone she had invited me (she was in charge of getting everyone together that year) and that I had declined. Found that out way after the fact. Nice. My own family and a stranger.

The desire to control others is as old as mankind. nothing has changed. Men will dominate and women will manipulate.

Some of us do it and some of us suffer from it

you don't have to suffer, but if you decide you have had enough of trying to be all things to all people who just keep adjusting the height of the flaming hoop, then you need to tell yourself that and do something about it

in my case, it really hurt, in your case maybe not so much if they are as bad as you say. when I stood up to the biggest controller in the family, I paid big time, but in the end, it's worth it.

Inam am starting to wonder if I am really screwed up but can't see it. My close friends shut me down when I think that way, in a kind way, but I am going to gave to tolerate a whole lot of hurt in order to be around family, or am better off to just stay away.

well, listen to your friends then. it's going to hurt either way because they are still your family, but at your age, you should not be dependent on others for your self worth

ps....sort through the replies and toss the ones that make you feel bad...it can be a primer for your decision regarding your family

let's face it, in the end, only you can help you and you most likely know that

BTW? it has taken alot of prayer and sorting things out before God to make it work for me. time helps and so do people who like you for yourself and are not trying to turn you into a tool they can use