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The daughter acts aloof and indifferent most of the time if her mom, my sister is there. If not, then she's her usual self and very interactive. It appears to me that this sister is pressuring my niece to not interact with me. The niece doesn't agree but doesn't want to be in conflict with her mom. I also want to add, controlling can be of situations and not just of other people's lives. And avoidance can certainly be used as a form of control. If I don't want to be left out, and you try to exclude me, that is certainly a form of control.
Z
sure Zammer I have seen tendencies in families as you describe, but not to that extreme
in fact, I find Christians often as not enjoy a good control overlord with others in their family...as in 'God told me to tell you' or 'this is for your own good' or 'you need to come back to Jesus' (when they really mean you should listen to them)
I was once left out of an extended family Christmas ... a BIG tradition that I grew up with...because the wife of my cousin had a personal grudge (I was her husband's favorite cousin and he compared us...big mistake on his part, but no matter cause he was wrong LOL) anyway, so she told everyone she had invited me (she was in charge of getting everyone together that year) and that I had declined. Found that out way after the fact. Nice. My own family and a stranger.
The desire to control others is as old as mankind. nothing has changed. Men will dominate and women will manipulate.
Some of us do it and some of us suffer from it
you don't have to suffer, but if you decide you have had enough of trying to be all things to all people who just keep adjusting the height of the flaming hoop, then you need to tell yourself that and do something about it
in my case, it really hurt, in your case maybe not so much if they are as bad as you say. when I stood up to the biggest controller in the family, I paid big time, but in the end, it's worth it.
well, listen to your friends then. it's going to hurt either way because they are still your family, but at your age, you should not be dependent on others for your self worth
ps....sort through the replies and toss the ones that make you feel bad...it can be a primer for your decision regarding your family
let's face it, in the end, only you can help you and you most likely know that
BTW? it has taken alot of prayer and sorting things out before God to make it work for me. time helps and so do people who like you for yourself and are not trying to turn you into a tool they can use
in fact, I find Christians often as not enjoy a good control overlord with others in their family...as in 'God told me to tell you' or 'this is for your own good' or 'you need to come back to Jesus' (when they really mean you should listen to them)
I was once left out of an extended family Christmas ... a BIG tradition that I grew up with...because the wife of my cousin had a personal grudge (I was her husband's favorite cousin and he compared us...big mistake on his part, but no matter cause he was wrong LOL) anyway, so she told everyone she had invited me (she was in charge of getting everyone together that year) and that I had declined. Found that out way after the fact. Nice. My own family and a stranger.
The desire to control others is as old as mankind. nothing has changed. Men will dominate and women will manipulate.
Some of us do it and some of us suffer from it
you don't have to suffer, but if you decide you have had enough of trying to be all things to all people who just keep adjusting the height of the flaming hoop, then you need to tell yourself that and do something about it
in my case, it really hurt, in your case maybe not so much if they are as bad as you say. when I stood up to the biggest controller in the family, I paid big time, but in the end, it's worth it.
well, listen to your friends then. it's going to hurt either way because they are still your family, but at your age, you should not be dependent on others for your self worth
ps....sort through the replies and toss the ones that make you feel bad...it can be a primer for your decision regarding your family
let's face it, in the end, only you can help you and you most likely know that
BTW? it has taken alot of prayer and sorting things out before God to make it work for me. time helps and so do people who like you for yourself and are not trying to turn you into a tool they can use
"in fact, I find Christians often as not enjoy a good control overlord with others in their family...as in 'God told me to tell you' or 'this is for your own good' or 'you need to come back to Jesus' (when they really mean you should listen to them)"
...I totally agree. This is a sensitive area and I always thought speaking for God is a little dangerous! Thanks again, you seem very kind!
Z
The thing is, it is difficult to "report" on similar circumstances if we don't see the behaviour as controlling (but as relatively normal). The thing I can relate to though is "clique" family groups.
A part of my family sticks to themselves and never involve the rest of the family.
It's gone so far that the kids (both below five years of age) are scared of us. They never meet anyone except the parents and a few other family members who are together the whole time. They also reject or ignore most invitations to come to other family members. Thing is, it takes two (or more) to make it happen. Both parts need to try, if they don't, it won't work. Sad, but true. People can't be forced to be with each other
A part of my family sticks to themselves and never involve the rest of the family.
It's gone so far that the kids (both below five years of age) are scared of us. They never meet anyone except the parents and a few other family members who are together the whole time. They also reject or ignore most invitations to come to other family members. Thing is, it takes two (or more) to make it happen. Both parts need to try, if they don't, it won't work. Sad, but true. People can't be forced to be with each other
Z
Zammer,
You are not alone. I have a sister that is a ( insert color colorful word ). She is the self proclaimed black sheep and proudly claims it. She has done nothing with her life. Likes to place the blame. Enjoys long tirades on cursing my mom out. All the while being a self righteous Pentecostal. She has made it a point to destroy one of my mom's rental properties, steal 10k in retirement money, use drugs, owes countless debts, countless evictions. She likes to remind my mom of how she was a horrible parent when 3 out of four of us went to college. She choose her life and she tends to forget she had a choice in the matter. I am 37 and really don't have time to listen to my older sister make excuse after excuse when she could of done so much more.
I stopped listening and calling my sister. She is tyrannical and no one can talk sense into her. I as her Christian brother have called her out as being a hypocrite before. Definitely some mental issues if you ask me. I don't have a close relationship with my sister because she expects. She has never really reached out for help. Everyone got tired of helping her when she wouldn't help herself. So I sympathize.
My family used to get together when my Dad was a live. he has been gone for a while. I think its funny how their are those certain family members that held everyone together and kept them coming together. We don't do that anymore and we used to be so close. My life called me away because I wanted something different. But none of my family gets together like every weekend bbq like we used too. Now its maybe once every five to seven years.
I would get away from them for a while. I don't like control freaks myself. I am the most successful out of all of my siblings and I to working in Healthcare. I understand the demands of the education and work. I know you can not divorce family. I would definitely confront your sister on the matter of name calling and not inviting you over. If their is not understanding. Start your own family and stop talking to them. Really you are responsible for your own happiness. If your busy they will understand. If not don't worry about it. Its your life and you need to make you happy and their is nothing wrong with being happy.
You are not alone. I have a sister that is a ( insert color colorful word ). She is the self proclaimed black sheep and proudly claims it. She has done nothing with her life. Likes to place the blame. Enjoys long tirades on cursing my mom out. All the while being a self righteous Pentecostal. She has made it a point to destroy one of my mom's rental properties, steal 10k in retirement money, use drugs, owes countless debts, countless evictions. She likes to remind my mom of how she was a horrible parent when 3 out of four of us went to college. She choose her life and she tends to forget she had a choice in the matter. I am 37 and really don't have time to listen to my older sister make excuse after excuse when she could of done so much more.
I stopped listening and calling my sister. She is tyrannical and no one can talk sense into her. I as her Christian brother have called her out as being a hypocrite before. Definitely some mental issues if you ask me. I don't have a close relationship with my sister because she expects. She has never really reached out for help. Everyone got tired of helping her when she wouldn't help herself. So I sympathize.
My family used to get together when my Dad was a live. he has been gone for a while. I think its funny how their are those certain family members that held everyone together and kept them coming together. We don't do that anymore and we used to be so close. My life called me away because I wanted something different. But none of my family gets together like every weekend bbq like we used too. Now its maybe once every five to seven years.
I would get away from them for a while. I don't like control freaks myself. I am the most successful out of all of my siblings and I to working in Healthcare. I understand the demands of the education and work. I know you can not divorce family. I would definitely confront your sister on the matter of name calling and not inviting you over. If their is not understanding. Start your own family and stop talking to them. Really you are responsible for your own happiness. If your busy they will understand. If not don't worry about it. Its your life and you need to make you happy and their is nothing wrong with being happy.
Yes I agree we are responsible for our own happiness, but it doesn't make it less painful when people act this way. You remind me, when I made the decision to change careers to healthcare, which her husband actually suggested (phys asst) I later switched the path to NP (the controlling sister is a nurse) and she told me I had no business taking that route! Another family member recently asked why I was doing this, wasn't SHE (the sister) "the nurse in the family??" As if there can only be one....as if I were somehow taking something away from her! So sad.... There has got to be some jealousy behind this, I cannot imagine because if she chose to switch to my profession, I would be totally supportive. That is, if she weren't throwing up walls. I too am the highest paid and most educated of my siblings, but not by a long shot. I wouldn't say that makes me necessarily the most successful, depends how one defines that. I wonder if that is also a factor.
thanks much!
Z
1- in my case, it really hurt, in your case maybe not so much if they are as bad as you say. when I stood up to the biggest controller in the family, I paid big time, but in the end, it's worth it.
2- well, listen to your friends then. it's going to hurt either way because they are still your family, but at your age, you should not be dependent on others for your self worth
3- ps....sort through the replies and toss the ones that make you feel bad...it can be a primer for your decision regarding your family
let's face it, in the end, only you can help you and you most likely know that
BTW? it has taken alot of prayer and sorting things out before God to make it work for me. time helps and so do people who like you for yourself and are not trying to turn you into a tool they can use
2- well, listen to your friends then. it's going to hurt either way because they are still your family, but at your age, you should not be dependent on others for your self worth
3- ps....sort through the replies and toss the ones that make you feel bad...it can be a primer for your decision regarding your family
let's face it, in the end, only you can help you and you most likely know that
BTW? it has taken alot of prayer and sorting things out before God to make it work for me. time helps and so do people who like you for yourself and are not trying to turn you into a tool they can use
1- I have an elderly aunt that this sister has become extremely close to. Both are really negative, criticizing the same people whenever they are together. I mean vicious criticism, the kind that makes oeople wince. It was hard to watch, and as both are nurses, it was often aimed at hcp's i don't know. Anyway, they wanted to meet for my birthday, only I didn't know it was about my birthday, because it was weeks later and they never mentioned why. They proceeded to tear me down over my healthcare education, my horses, and at the dinner table it shifted to them criticizing political figures of the past that are of my party (they are opposite party) and other people we all know, but that they know I have a lot if respect for. Overall it was such a sad day. Nothing positive. I wrote the aunt a letter asking that she stop bringing up the horse issue, it us my business, I don't know why it bothers her, but I don't need approval from anyone to own horses. (A lifelong passion on mine.). I pointed out all the conversation topics were negative and overall the day made me sad. She never responded, and the sister has been worse ever since.
2- true - but how can you be happy when this stuff is happening. I don't believe it matters what age, when families split up, it's painful. I am single, never married, no kids. That's why I'm here talking about it.
3- How do you toss them out! That would be awesome. I'm just going to not respond to the negative ones. I think some people just like to argue, not interested in that!
thanks for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to lend your thoughts and experiences.
Z
The thing is, it is difficult to "report" on similar circumstances if we don't see the behaviour as controlling (but as relatively normal). The thing I can relate to though is "clique" family groups.
A part of my family sticks to themselves and never involve the rest of the family.
It's gone so far that the kids (both below five years of age) are scared of us. They never meet anyone except the parents and a few other family members who are together the whole time. They also reject or ignore most invitations to come to other family members. Thing is, it takes two (or more) to make it happen. Both parts need to try, if they don't, it won't work. Sad, but true. People can't be forced to be with each other
A part of my family sticks to themselves and never involve the rest of the family.
It's gone so far that the kids (both below five years of age) are scared of us. They never meet anyone except the parents and a few other family members who are together the whole time. They also reject or ignore most invitations to come to other family members. Thing is, it takes two (or more) to make it happen. Both parts need to try, if they don't, it won't work. Sad, but true. People can't be forced to be with each other
B
Thank you for sharing.
Yes I agree we are responsible for our own happiness, but it doesn't make it less painful when people act this way. You remind me, when I made the decision to change careers to healthcare, which her husband actually suggested (phys asst) I later switched the path to NP (the controlling sister is a nurse) and she told me I had no business taking that route! Another family member recently asked why I was doing this, wasn't SHE (the sister) "the nurse in the family??" As if there can only be one....as if I were somehow taking something away from her! So sad.... There has got to be some jealousy behind this, I cannot imagine because if she chose to switch to my profession, I would be totally supportive. That is, if she weren't throwing up walls. I too am the highest paid and most educated of my siblings, but not by a long shot. I wouldn't say that makes me necessarily the most successful, depends how one defines that. I wonder if that is also a factor.
thanks much!
Yes I agree we are responsible for our own happiness, but it doesn't make it less painful when people act this way. You remind me, when I made the decision to change careers to healthcare, which her husband actually suggested (phys asst) I later switched the path to NP (the controlling sister is a nurse) and she told me I had no business taking that route! Another family member recently asked why I was doing this, wasn't SHE (the sister) "the nurse in the family??" As if there can only be one....as if I were somehow taking something away from her! So sad.... There has got to be some jealousy behind this, I cannot imagine because if she chose to switch to my profession, I would be totally supportive. That is, if she weren't throwing up walls. I too am the highest paid and most educated of my siblings, but not by a long shot. I wouldn't say that makes me necessarily the most successful, depends how one defines that. I wonder if that is also a factor.
thanks much!
Z
In the definition of being the most successful. I mean Education, career, financial and everything that comes with the territory. Do what you want as far as your education. If she gets mad that you are pursuing NP. She gets bent out of shape about it. That is really her feelings and she owns those feelings and you do not. I think its great that you are continuing your education. My siblings don't hate me for getting a good education. If anything you sister should be supportive. Its almost like a competition to be number one in your situation. Really don't be afraid to step on their toes. It is what you said Jealousy! I really if I were you just make you happy. Go after what you are passionate about. CNRA is very handsome salary. That's if you can stand needles. Best wishes and I highly recommend completing your goals.
L
THANK you very much for that thoughtful reply! When you say...
"in fact, I find Christians often as not enjoy a good control overlord with others in their family...as in 'God told me to tell you' or 'this is for your own good' or 'you need to come back to Jesus' (when they really mean you should listen to them)"
...I totally agree. This is a sensitive area and I always thought speaking for God is a little dangerous! Thanks again, you seem very kind!
"in fact, I find Christians often as not enjoy a good control overlord with others in their family...as in 'God told me to tell you' or 'this is for your own good' or 'you need to come back to Jesus' (when they really mean you should listen to them)"
...I totally agree. This is a sensitive area and I always thought speaking for God is a little dangerous! Thanks again, you seem very kind!
well, the jury is still out on the very kind, but thank you anyway
the Bible warns us about saying 'thus saith the Lord'...apparently God really dislikes when people say they are speaking for Him and He did not say anything. think twice and speak once or maybe not at all
anyway, control is the issue and you do want to break away from that.
sometimes a controlling person will suddenly turn all smiles and dimples if they think they are loosing control, but resemble Godzilla a little more if you stick to your word
from yr post to another person:
Yes I agree we are responsible for our own happiness, but it doesn't make it less painful when people act this way. You remind me, when I made the decision to change careers to healthcare, which her husband actually suggested (phys asst) I later switched the path to NP (the controlling sister is a nurse) and she told me I had no business taking that route! Another family member recently asked why I was doing this, wasn't SHE (the sister) "the nurse in the family??" As if there can only be one....as if I were somehow taking something away from her! So sad.... There has got to be some jealousy behind this, I cannot imagine because if she chose to switch to my profession, I would be totally supportive. That is, if she weren't throwing up walls. I too am the highest paid and most educated of my siblings, but not by a long shot. I wouldn't say that makes me necessarily the most successful, depends how one defines that. I wonder if that is also a factor.
I hope you get it sorted out and start doing that soon.
and this one:
Thanks, I agree but am still sad that people related to us want to hurt us. For success, I just know it hasn't made me happier to have more money or educ, so that was kind of my tongue in cheek way to say for me, success is still a ways away
insecure people are the controllers. see them that way