Am I losing my mind?

[ThePottersClay]

So, tell me I'm nuts, or that I'm going insane...

Lately my husband has deliberately provoked me to get some sort of a reaction, and when I do react, he throws divorce in my face, and every time we get over the 'hill', and we move past the point where he tells me he can't live without me, and that he only says that to get a reaction from me.

The most recent one happened on Last night, where out of the blue, he moved away from me, and told me he doesn't think we should have sex because I'm not on birth control. I'm 40, I've had 3 kids, lost my 4th, I haven't been on birth control since February, because it was affecting my Blood Pressure and I just haven't gone back to my doctor. Either way, we've had sex since, protective, but now, suddenly I'm on a sex-ban. So I decide to stay calm and not react, he asks me "Are you okay" so I say I'm fine, then a few seconds later "Are you really okay" then I say, yes I am I understand why he feels this way, and once I can get my next injection we can work from there.

Then.... he says "Well if I'm going to have to wait 4 weeks, I will have to get my needs met elsewhere."

Once again, I decided to stay calm, but he carries on about how men have needs, and if its not met they tend to wander. So eventually I say "Whatever rocks your boat"

I refused to break down in tears and beg him not to go elsewhere.

He moved to my sons bed room and then this morning we went on as normal, very civil.

Until I got to work and he started chatting me again, saying he doesn't want to fight, but 4 weeks is a long time, and he might not even want it in the end... so he might have to consider alternatives.


Am I just missing something here, or is he really just an inconsiderate male, trying to provoke me and degrade me?!

When I finally lost my cool and told him to go make out with whoever he wants, he accused me for not understanding him, and suggested we forget this whole thing happened, he goes on to say "I'll just not tell anyone how I feel, because my feelings doesn't matter."

I am gobsmacked... The way I feel now, I want to go for a hysterectomy, and pray that I die under the knife so that he can live with guilt for the rest of his bloody life!

What am I doing wrong here???

 

[bikerchaz]

Does he know the Lord? Bring everything back to Jesus. There are consequences for committing the sin of adultery, to fall and slip are one thing, but to go and make a point of deliberateness for a sinful act ? ? ?.

Bring Jesus into the equation all the time. We already live for Him or else we are not His, and that situation brings confusion because the world does not know Jesus.

Hold the faith sister, Jesus is a breath away.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

I think you should find a counsellor, as they will have more reliable advice than strangers on the internet

 

[ThePottersClay]

He doesn't believe, he used to, but then decided its not for him.
I have been to counselling, he refuses.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hubby sounds like a selfish, self-righteous jack donkey. :/ It sounds like he likes to push your buttons.. Maybe YOU should threaten to go elsewhere for sex, just to see HIS reaction.. Men can be dawgs when it comes to wanting 24-7-365 sex.. Ask 3 of my exes..lol

 

[PeterJens]

What am I doing wrong here???

Sharing these issues on the internet.
Normal boundaries of disclosure you are not following.

Until you know what you really want and expect, you will not know where you stand.
You need help because you are hurting very badly, and this is not the place to find it.

 

[Ugly]

It's a way to control you. He's the type of person that enjoys having the power over you to cause your emotions to be where he wants them. I had a friend whose ex-husband did the same thing to her all the time. One minute he would say things to scare her or make her angry so they would argue, get it really heated, then do a 180 and change the tone to calm. Once she was calm a bit he'd start antagonizing again. He would keep her on the phone for hours and she fell for his controlling manipulative approach night after night. She could from scared to angry to calm 5 or more times a night in one phone call. It's a control tactic and an abusive behavior.
He upped the ante when you refused to play his game. Because now he's not in control of you, so he pushes harder to break you down. You're doing the best thing you can. Not giving in.
Chances are he had little or no conscience about being this way. A high probability there's something big in his life that didn't work out and he blames you, whether it's true or not.
Bipolar is also a possibility as well.

 

[GandalfTheWhite]

Sorry to say this but he is mentally abusing you

 

[PennEd]

I'm terribly sorry you are going through this. Praying for the Lord to keep you safe and of sound mind. I agree with Ugly. Manipulation and control, and possibly guilt because he ALREADY has cheated is apparently his game. I think you are doing good by not playing and finding solace in Jesus and your brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[Depleted]

So, tell me I'm nuts, or that I'm going insane...

Lately my husband has deliberately provoked me to get some sort of a reaction, and when I do react, he throws divorce in my face, and every time we get over the 'hill', and we move past the point where he tells me he can't live without me, and that he only says that to get a reaction from me.

The most recent one happened on Last night, where out of the blue, he moved away from me, and told me he doesn't think we should have sex because I'm not on birth control. I'm 40, I've had 3 kids, lost my 4th, I haven't been on birth control since February, because it was affecting my Blood Pressure and I just haven't gone back to my doctor. Either way, we've had sex since, protective, but now, suddenly I'm on a sex-ban. So I decide to stay calm and not react, he asks me "Are you okay" so I say I'm fine, then a few seconds later "Are you really okay" then I say, yes I am I understand why he feels this way, and once I can get my next injection we can work from there.

Then.... he says "Well if I'm going to have to wait 4 weeks, I will have to get my needs met elsewhere."

Once again, I decided to stay calm, but he carries on about how men have needs, and if its not met they tend to wander. So eventually I say "Whatever rocks your boat"

I refused to break down in tears and beg him not to go elsewhere.

He moved to my sons bed room and then this morning we went on as normal, very civil.

Until I got to work and he started chatting me again, saying he doesn't want to fight, but 4 weeks is a long time, and he might not even want it in the end... so he might have to consider alternatives.


Am I just missing something here, or is he really just an inconsiderate male, trying to provoke me and degrade me?!

When I finally lost my cool and told him to go make out with whoever he wants, he accused me for not understanding him, and suggested we forget this whole thing happened, he goes on to say "I'll just not tell anyone how I feel, because my feelings doesn't matter."

I am gobsmacked... The way I feel now, I want to go for a hysterectomy, and pray that I die under the knife so that he can live with guilt for the rest of his bloody life!

What am I doing wrong here???

Well, apparently you're able to verbalize what you're thinking. Any particular reason you won't tell HIM the truth? Maybe he'd like a reaction because he's getting none followed by a lie. (Unless it really is fine with you that he cheats. Then that's a much bigger problem and that's not on him.) If I tell things to hubby that I know he won't like, but then he doesn't tell me what he's thinking, I can see me upping the stakes until he finally reacts to something.

If you told your husband you wouldn't make love with him for four weeks, wouldn't you think he'd react? And he'd keep reacting, until he got an explanation? Well, that's what happened. The only difference is he started the conversation and you shut him down.

What you're doing wrong is not talking it out with him. Here you are talking to us about him, but you never talked to him about him. You think this is about sex. It might not be. I can come up with three other things it could be about, and I don't even know either of you. How much does he know you, if you aren't talking to him?

Sure he wants a reaction. Do you honestly think the only reaction is fighting? That's a problem.

 

[ThePottersClay]

15 years... at 3 months of our marriage, my boss sexually harassed me, I resigned straight away, when I got home and told him what I did, he moved out. I had to go back and ask my boss for my job back, until I could find the means to leave 'gracefully' so that our finances were not affected.

This is not the first instance. maybe I just needed another person's point of view, yes, I can go see a Councillor, which I have, twice, thinking its me. I have flaws, many that makes me not-so-perfect. This is what he does, he tries to get a reaction, and when I diplomatically react, he falls into this "Maybe I'm not cut out for this marriage, maybe you guys will be better without me." He refuses counselling, but acknowledges his own flaws, promising to "fix" them, only to go down the same road a week later.

I sit here, blaming myself for things that always go wrong, carrying the burden, saying to myself, maybe I'm not a good enough mother, or wife, maybe over the years, the loving, caring person I used to be simply grew numb, and decided, instead of shedding another tear and begging him to stay I will remain angry, and not allow myself to cry anymore. This was just once incident out of many - and I finally broke.

But thanks for your input.

 

[blue_ladybug]

News flash, Tash.. NO ONE is perfect. Not you, not him, not anyone..

 

[Th0mas]

15 years... at 3 months of our marriage, my boss sexually harassed me, I resigned straight away, when I got home and told him what I did, he moved out. I had to go back and ask my boss for my job back, until I could find the means to leave 'gracefully' so that our finances were not affected.

This is not the first instance. maybe I just needed another person's point of view, yes, I can go see a Councillor, which I have, twice, thinking its me. I have flaws, many that makes me not-so-perfect. This is what he does, he tries to get a reaction, and when I diplomatically react, he falls into this "Maybe I'm not cut out for this marriage, maybe you guys will be better without me." He refuses counselling, but acknowledges his own flaws, promising to "fix" them, only to go down the same road a week later.

I sit here, blaming myself for things that always go wrong, carrying the burden, saying to myself, maybe I'm not a good enough mother, or wife, maybe over the years, the loving, caring person I used to be simply grew numb, and decided, instead of shedding another tear and begging him to stay I will remain angry, and not allow myself to cry anymore. This was just once incident out of many - and I finally broke.

But thanks for your input.

I sincerely want you to have a good journey for the rest of your life.

 

[BurlyCarl]

So, tell me I'm nuts, or that I'm going insane...

Lately my husband has deliberately provoked me to get some sort of a reaction, and when I do react, he throws divorce in my face, and every time we get over the 'hill', and we move past the point where he tells me he can't live without me, and that he only says that to get a reaction from me.

The most recent one happened on Last night, where out of the blue, he moved away from me, and told me he doesn't think we should have sex because I'm not on birth control. I'm 40, I've had 3 kids, lost my 4th, I haven't been on birth control since February, because it was affecting my Blood Pressure and I just haven't gone back to my doctor. Either way, we've had sex since, protective, but now, suddenly I'm on a sex-ban. So I decide to stay calm and not react, he asks me "Are you okay" so I say I'm fine, then a few seconds later "Are you really okay" then I say, yes I am I understand why he feels this way, and once I can get my next injection we can work from there.

Then.... he says "Well if I'm going to have to wait 4 weeks, I will have to get my needs met elsewhere."

Once again, I decided to stay calm, but he carries on about how men have needs, and if its not met they tend to wander. So eventually I say "Whatever rocks your boat"

I refused to break down in tears and beg him not to go elsewhere.

He moved to my sons bed room and then this morning we went on as normal, very civil.

Until I got to work and he started chatting me again, saying he doesn't want to fight, but 4 weeks is a long time, and he might not even want it in the end... so he might have to consider alternatives.


Am I just missing something here, or is he really just an inconsiderate male, trying to provoke me and degrade me?!

When I finally lost my cool and told him to go make out with whoever he wants, he accused me for not understanding him, and suggested we forget this whole thing happened, he goes on to say "I'll just not tell anyone how I feel, because my feelings doesn't matter."

I am gobsmacked... The way I feel now, I want to go for a hysterectomy, and pray that I die under the knife so that he can live with guilt for the rest of his bloody life!

What am I doing wrong here???

I am not sponsoring you into a divorce. Keep this clear in your mind. I highly recommend you two seek Counseling.

No your not nuts.

Yes he is being a inconsiderate embarrassment.

This has all of the red flags of he has something else or someone else on his mind. Yes he is being a selfish pig. By telling you "If he doesn't get what he wants. He will get it else where." That is disgusting! He is basically ordering you around in a order of you must do. Much like someone orders a slave around. Don't do that to yourself. Do not degrade yourself because that is what he wants or he is not getting.

He may not want to have anymore children.

A marriage is two people agreeing to come together to make a relationship work. Not everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows filled with elation.

He is playing games and being wishy washy. Does it feel like a yoyo of emotions? He is abusing you mentally and you are numb to it. Because he never follows though. Its a manipulation tactic to get you to sign off first. He is looking to aggravate and create a situation where you are the blame. Really look at yourself for a moment. Did you create this situation? No. Its him creating this whole conundrum of selfishness. He wants you to be the one for the fall. That's why he never ever follows though.

What is their not to understand from his point. He told you "if he doesn't get what he wants, he will find it else where". Suddle threat. You don't understand? Understand that he made you feel unappreciated. What he is really not saying to you. "I am bored with you. I am not living the life I want. I want someone else. I want another woman or women. You don't understand me. Three powers, his Ego, Sex and power.

You don't want to die. He is created for you this feeling because he is a self centered oink! He just needs a dose of reality. Realize he is creating the situation, marriages are not perfect. Go find professional help. Their is nothing wrong with asking for help. When you do find a counselor. You need to be brutally honest because in the end he will respect you more. Be genuine and ask him. Stick to the questions. If he strays pull the question back up.

Finally don't change your body for anyone just because things are not the way he wants them. That is just life.


Pray and stay strong. Tell him I said to stop being a embarrassment to real men.

 

[GandalfTheWhite]

Finally don't change your body for anyone just because things are not the way he wants them. That is just life.

I love this...

 

[ThePottersClay]

Just an update... an insightful one, one I think many would benefit from. This morning after yet another argument, and my husband harping on "What I want" pushing me for an answer to his divorce request... which I couldn't give, although everything in my head said "Run TASH as far away as you can..."

He said this "I push you to tell me it's not over"

Of course, I saw red instantly, raged madly, because why does it always come down to ME having to say its not over, ME having to tell him I'm fighting for us, why can't HE say "I'ts not over" or fight for us, naturally, I raged like a mad banshee, told him I'm sick of his mind games, and his stupid snakes and ladder games, where he lifts me up and pushes me down, trampling me into the ground only for me to dig myself out of a miserable emotional grave, just so I can go down this same road again in a week, simply because he wants some stupid reassurance that I WONT give up...

Then, I decided to take a step back, calm myself down. I went to get coffee, and carbs (Ginger Biscuits) cause that is how I roll, and read over our Hangouts Argument again, and between the lines I saw something, and this was the revelation...which I did send him, but I thought I would share...

I had some time to think, and I read over our chat again, and I came to this realization….

Deep down there is a little boy, who had a hard life, struggled with major issues in his home, which resulted in major insecurities. Your dad wasn’t really there, but then again, he was providing for you all, whilst your mom never had to work. Yes, they had their issues, huge ones. And unfortunately the saying goes “Be careful little eyes what you see”.
As a child you had to witness all of that, the affairs, the fights, deal with an alcoholic dad, and an unfaithful mother, but they both loved you, now more than ever.

Then came the Michelle story with your dad having an affair with your girlfriend – and that was terrible, and I can’t even relate to that, but I remember what you told me when we sat on the stairs at your mom's house. Then what I did to break your trust, didn’t help either, so as time went on, the child that was deep down surfaced and the insecurities of that little boy manifested in the MAN I married.

The boy like any child who is upset, wanted to get back at his best friend, and it hurt, believe me it did.

Yes, the reason for my unfaithfulness was no excuse, but it was my way of dealing with things, because I also had a little girl deep down, who had to endure terrible things, and the only way I was able to deal with this little girl, was do stupid things to get back at the little boy (my friend - you) who hurt me, by never being there, and always expecting me to do everything, from fixing the car, doing the maintenance around the house by myself, arranging hospital appointments, doing the finances and when I didn’t do it the way he wanted it done, he fought with me, always making my little girl feel unappreciated and useless.

When you said “You want me to say it’s not over” I raged instantly, thinking…. What the hell. Yes, I got mad, burst out in tears because I was frustrated. “How dare you put me through this emotional battering simply because you wanted reassurance?”

Then, when I read it again, I started seeing little shooting stars, and I realized that the little boy deep down, really just needs his mom to tell him it will all be okay.

The problem is that I am not your mom, I am your wife, and I don’t want to be your mom. And over the years, that is exactly what I have become. If you wanted nibbles, I went and got nibbles at midnight at times. If you needed stuff done, I got it done, even though it's he man's job to change the globes, fix the leaking tap, fix the car, I became your mother, not your partner. And that is the biggest flaw in our relationship.

The important thing here is that I love you. And I will love you forever, but what I need you to do is be my partner, not my son, and I don’t want to be your daughter, I want to be your wife. If we can’t come to that common understanding, we will both head for disaster.

You need to say goodbye to the past, and all that you had to endure, use those things as learning curves, experiences to help you become the person I know you are rather than allow it to cripple you. Stop hating and harping on the past, because as long as you hold on to that, you will never move forward.

Your kids adore you, I (YOUR WIFE) adore you, but you’re letting the insecurities RUIN us.

I don’t want us to be OVER, but I want this portion of our lives to be over.

I LOVE YOU

 

[GandalfTheWhite]

What a powerful revelation Tash. I pray that your family will find God's peace and that you can work things out...

 

[Depleted]

15 years... at 3 months of our marriage, my boss sexually harassed me, I resigned straight away, when I got home and told him what I did, he moved out. I had to go back and ask my boss for my job back, until I could find the means to leave 'gracefully' so that our finances were not affected.

This is not the first instance. maybe I just needed another person's point of view, yes, I can go see a Councillor, which I have, twice, thinking its me. I have flaws, many that makes me not-so-perfect. This is what he does, he tries to get a reaction, and when I diplomatically react, he falls into this "Maybe I'm not cut out for this marriage, maybe you guys will be better without me." He refuses counselling, but acknowledges his own flaws, promising to "fix" them, only to go down the same road a week later.

I sit here, blaming myself for things that always go wrong, carrying the burden, saying to myself, maybe I'm not a good enough mother, or wife, maybe over the years, the loving, caring person I used to be simply grew numb, and decided, instead of shedding another tear and begging him to stay I will remain angry, and not allow myself to cry anymore. This was just once incident out of many - and I finally broke.

But thanks for your input.

You "had to go back?" No you didn't. Self preservation is assumed. If he told you he wanted to use you as target practice for his gun, would you have accepted that too? If my husband told me to do something that endangered me, no! I really don't have to do that. If my boss sexually harrasses me enough that I quit my job? I'm kneeing him in the groan as my resignation letter. AND he better give me my last week's pay or he's going to be rolling on the floor more than once! Maintaining the same income isn't worth that emotional damage! Hubby telling me to go back or he leaves? I'd be kind enough to look for his suitcase or a couple of boxes. And I absolutely love my husband. (Of course, I love him because he loves me. If a boss harasses me, he'd beat the guy up. Right now he's tempted to beat up a doctor for me just for telling me I'm a disgusting pig and a hypochondriac, but, thankfully, he's too weak to do so. lol)

You act like you have no choices, but honestly? If your husband isn't your mantle, and clearly he isn't, why are you keeping quiet? God gave us a voice, because he didn't endow us with the strength of most men. Say your peace! Say what you should have said all along. And if he walks out, he walks out. You've got no benefits from this guy but a paycheck.

And I know unemployment is rampant in your country plus you have kids. I know another woman from your country that is surviving without a husband, yet she has kids. (Husband died, but her problem is the amount of men who want to take his place, including have her son do that ritual common among her people that has nothing to do with serving God, so she is doing what she must to hide behind the mantle of being a widow. I really do get it is harder to survive in South Africa without a man than it is to do the same thing in the US.)

What can you do to bring in money? Clearly you have a skill set, or you wouldn't have had that boss. Do those translate into making your own money and raising your own kids? True, you won't be making the same money, but marrying for money wasn't part of the plan to begin with, was it?

Seriously, you've got the voice. Use it. You haven't told him what you're thinking for quite some time. Have you ever? Counseling isn't your answer for a different reason. If you won't even tell your husband what you're thinking, you certainly won't tell a counselor.

Tell him what you're thinking. Tell him what you're feeling. (And, if you burst out crying while unloading, so be it, just keep going between sobs.) I truly suspect that will make him walk out, but a man who won't stick up for his wife to protect her physical safety and emotional well-being isn't someone worth staying with anyway. If his goal was money and heirs to continue his name, this was never a marriage. Why are you begging him to stay? Proverbs 21:9 is a two way street. A corner of the roof is much less than a house, but you don't need to chose cry or be angry just to keep him in the house. Do both! Cry and be angry, but make sure he trully, trully knows why. Don't let him shut you down again, unless he threatens to do you harm. And if he does? Well, he works, so while he's doing that, pack and get your kids out of there never to return. And if you already know he is the type that will hurt you physically, then pack and leave, but leave him that loooooong letter for why you're leaving. And then keep a copy for yourself so you can remember why he can't talk you into going back and why you have grounds for that divorce.

BTW, I rarely tell people to get divorces. I believe in try everything before getting there, but, in your case, he's putting you in danger, so divorce!

 

[Depleted]

Just an update... an insightful one, one I think many would benefit from. This morning after yet another argument, and my husband harping on "What I want" pushing me for an answer to his divorce request... which I couldn't give, although everything in my head said "Run TASH as far away as you can..."

He said this "I push you to tell me it's not over"

Of course, I saw red instantly, raged madly, because why does it always come down to ME having to say its not over, ME having to tell him I'm fighting for us, why can't HE say "I'ts not over" or fight for us, naturally, I raged like a mad banshee, told him I'm sick of his mind games, and his stupid snakes and ladder games, where he lifts me up and pushes me down, trampling me into the ground only for me to dig myself out of a miserable emotional grave, just so I can go down this same road again in a week, simply because he wants some stupid reassurance that I WONT give up...

Then, I decided to take a step back, calm myself down. I went to get coffee, and carbs (Ginger Biscuits) cause that is how I roll, and read over our Hangouts Argument again, and between the lines I saw something, and this was the revelation...which I did send him, but I thought I would share...

I had some time to think, and I read over our chat again, and I came to this realization….

Deep down there is a little boy, who had a hard life, struggled with major issues in his home, which resulted in major insecurities. Your dad wasn’t really there, but then again, he was providing for you all, whilst your mom never had to work. Yes, they had their issues, huge ones. And unfortunately the saying goes “Be careful little eyes what you see”.
As a child you had to witness all of that, the affairs, the fights, deal with an alcoholic dad, and an unfaithful mother, but they both loved you, now more than ever.

Then came the Michelle story with your dad having an affair with your girlfriend – and that was terrible, and I can’t even relate to that, but I remember what you told me when we sat on the stairs at your mom's house. Then what I did to break your trust, didn’t help either, so as time went on, the child that was deep down surfaced and the insecurities of that little boy manifested in the MAN I married.

The boy like any child who is upset, wanted to get back at his best friend, and it hurt, believe me it did.

Yes, the reason for my unfaithfulness was no excuse, but it was my way of dealing with things, because I also had a little girl deep down, who had to endure terrible things, and the only way I was able to deal with this little girl, was do stupid things to get back at the little boy (my friend - you) who hurt me, by never being there, and always expecting me to do everything, from fixing the car, doing the maintenance around the house by myself, arranging hospital appointments, doing the finances and when I didn’t do it the way he wanted it done, he fought with me, always making my little girl feel unappreciated and useless.

When you said “You want me to say it’s not over” I raged instantly, thinking…. What the hell. Yes, I got mad, burst out in tears because I was frustrated. “How dare you put me through this emotional battering simply because you wanted reassurance?”

Then, when I read it again, I started seeing little shooting stars, and I realized that the little boy deep down, really just needs his mom to tell him it will all be okay.

The problem is that I am not your mom, I am your wife, and I don’t want to be your mom. And over the years, that is exactly what I have become. If you wanted nibbles, I went and got nibbles at midnight at times. If you needed stuff done, I got it done, even though it's he man's job to change the globes, fix the leaking tap, fix the car, I became your mother, not your partner. And that is the biggest flaw in our relationship.

The important thing here is that I love you. And I will love you forever, but what I need you to do is be my partner, not my son, and I don’t want to be your daughter, I want to be your wife. If we can’t come to that common understanding, we will both head for disaster.

You need to say goodbye to the past, and all that you had to endure, use those things as learning curves, experiences to help you become the person I know you are rather than allow it to cripple you. Stop hating and harping on the past, because as long as you hold on to that, you will never move forward.

Your kids adore you, I (YOUR WIFE) adore you, but you’re letting the insecurities RUIN us.

I don’t want us to be OVER, but I want this portion of our lives to be over.

I LOVE YOU

THAT's YOUR Voice! Keep using that voice with him. (I suspect you do better with writing than talking.)

 

[BurlyCarl]

Just an update... an insightful one, one I think many would benefit from. This morning after yet another argument, and my husband harping on "What I want" pushing me for an answer to his divorce request... which I couldn't give, although everything in my head said "Run TASH as far away as you can..."

He said this "I push you to tell me it's not over"

Of course, I saw red instantly, raged madly, because why does it always come down to ME having to say its not over, ME having to tell him I'm fighting for us, why can't HE say "I'ts not over" or fight for us, naturally, I raged like a mad banshee, told him I'm sick of his mind games, and his stupid snakes and ladder games, where he lifts me up and pushes me down, trampling me into the ground only for me to dig myself out of a miserable emotional grave, just so I can go down this same road again in a week, simply because he wants some stupid reassurance that I WONT give up...

Then, I decided to take a step back, calm myself down. I went to get coffee, and carbs (Ginger Biscuits) cause that is how I roll, and read over our Hangouts Argument again, and between the lines I saw something, and this was the revelation...which I did send him, but I thought I would share...

I had some time to think, and I read over our chat again, and I came to this realization….

Deep down there is a little boy, who had a hard life, struggled with major issues in his home, which resulted in major insecurities. Your dad wasn’t really there, but then again, he was providing for you all, whilst your mom never had to work. Yes, they had their issues, huge ones. And unfortunately the saying goes “Be careful little eyes what you see”.
As a child you had to witness all of that, the affairs, the fights, deal with an alcoholic dad, and an unfaithful mother, but they both loved you, now more than ever.

Then came the Michelle story with your dad having an affair with your girlfriend – and that was terrible, and I can’t even relate to that, but I remember what you told me when we sat on the stairs at your mom's house. Then what I did to break your trust, didn’t help either, so as time went on, the child that was deep down surfaced and the insecurities of that little boy manifested in the MAN I married.

The boy like any child who is upset, wanted to get back at his best friend, and it hurt, believe me it did.

Yes, the reason for my unfaithfulness was no excuse, but it was my way of dealing with things, because I also had a little girl deep down, who had to endure terrible things, and the only way I was able to deal with this little girl, was do stupid things to get back at the little boy (my friend - you) who hurt me, by never being there, and always expecting me to do everything, from fixing the car, doing the maintenance around the house by myself, arranging hospital appointments, doing the finances and when I didn’t do it the way he wanted it done, he fought with me, always making my little girl feel unappreciated and useless.

When you said “You want me to say it’s not over” I raged instantly, thinking…. What the hell. Yes, I got mad, burst out in tears because I was frustrated. “How dare you put me through this emotional battering simply because you wanted reassurance?”

Then, when I read it again, I started seeing little shooting stars, and I realized that the little boy deep down, really just needs his mom to tell him it will all be okay.

The problem is that I am not your mom, I am your wife, and I don’t want to be your mom. And over the years, that is exactly what I have become. If you wanted nibbles, I went and got nibbles at midnight at times. If you needed stuff done, I got it done, even though it's he man's job to change the globes, fix the leaking tap, fix the car, I became your mother, not your partner. And that is the biggest flaw in our relationship.

The important thing here is that I love you. And I will love you forever, but what I need you to do is be my partner, not my son, and I don’t want to be your daughter, I want to be your wife. If we can’t come to that common understanding, we will both head for disaster.

You need to say goodbye to the past, and all that you had to endure, use those things as learning curves, experiences to help you become the person I know you are rather than allow it to cripple you. Stop hating and harping on the past, because as long as you hold on to that, you will never move forward.

Your kids adore you, I (YOUR WIFE) adore you, but you’re letting the insecurities RUIN us.

I don’t want us to be OVER, but I want this portion of our lives to be over.

I LOVE YOU

I applaud you for kicking his butt this morning and saying enough is enough! I see a lot of tough love in what you wrote. You can do what you want. It would have more of an impact if you read the letter to him. You are right in your letter. You are not his mom. He needs to stand up and do what men do. He needs to hear these words and stop being so beta. Time to move on and grow up. He needs to stop using emotional crutches to stammer around in your relationship. I mean really he should be becoming the best version of himself for you. He needs to take care of himself for you. And the same you need to take care of yourself for him. Time to stop playing the boo hoo's and get on with it.

I really hope you things can be repaired though coming together in God. Don't make excuses for him Tash.

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why does it always come down to ME having to say its not over, ME having to tell him I'm fighting for us, why can't HE say "I'ts not over" or fight for us

In this letter you are doing just that. You are the one fighting over someone that needs a hard dose that the games are done. Time fix it all. Like you said he is a little boy living in the past of his problems. He is using you as the dumping ground for things that he needs to take care of. Tash those are his feelings and problems of his past. And you don't own them! Its not your job to make him change his mind about them. He needs to admit his problem and seek help to get past them. You don't need to hold his hand. He needs someone to work his problems professionally.

He cant say its over because he is a weak little beta male. Looking to you in a way to kick him out just like his mommy used to do. He isn't man enough to do it. I am not picking or Judging him. I can only make this assumption of the information provided. He is so used to you taking charge. Just like his mom used to. Yes you are right he needs to do his manly duties around the home. Like wrestling bears and taking out the garbage. He doesn't want to fight because mommy fought for him. Back to your previous post. "If I don't get what I want. I will find it else where." Are we 7 years old? Its like a child saying "Mommy if I don't get this toy. I am going to throw a tantrum". Its the same thing. Its Very beta for an adult man to act like this. I'm 100% sure you are tired of it.

Sure you have mentioned you are no Angel I am taking that into consideration. Their definitely is a lack of respect from both sides. I believe the solution is - We need to actually put into action and work. Not just talk about putting into action and work. The difference in action vs talking will make all the difference. If he is willing to do nothing. You will get the same results.

"If you don't make the time to work on creating the life you want. You're eventually going to be forced to spend a LOT of time dealing with the life you don't want". That time will require both in the action of effort.

I pray that you can resolve this and be happy together.