Am I losing my mind?

[Ugly]

Well, apparently you're able to verbalize what you're thinking. Any particular reason you won't tell HIM the truth? Maybe he'd like a reaction because he's getting none followed by a lie. (Unless it really is fine with you that he cheats. Then that's a much bigger problem and that's not on him.) If I tell things to hubby that I know he won't like, but then he doesn't tell me what he's thinking, I can see me upping the stakes until he finally reacts to something.

If you told your husband you wouldn't make love with him for four weeks, wouldn't you think he'd react? And he'd keep reacting, until he got an explanation? Well, that's what happened. The only difference is he started the conversation and you shut him down.

What you're doing wrong is not talking it out with him. Here you are talking to us about him, but you never talked to him about him. You think this is about sex. It might not be. I can come up with three other things it could be about, and I don't even know either of you. How much does he know you, if you aren't talking to him?

Sure he wants a reaction. Do you honestly think the only reaction is fighting? That's a problem.

This is nothing more than manipulation and control. It Never has a place in a marriage. There are healthier ways to push communication than threats and exploiting peoples fears and being antagonizing. People doing that are doing it to get their way, no matter the cost. Even at the cost of hurting the other person. And it's not justified by saying the other person was being hurtful first.
And she says that even when she does react he brings up divorce. So if she does react, there's no need to continue provoking, yet he does. To continue provoking, even after you get the person to respond shows that it's not really about communication at all. This idea of provoking people to get what you want is not healthy an should not be encouraged.

 

[Magenta]

Am I just missing something here, or is he really just an inconsiderate male, trying to provoke me and degrade me?!

He is being a complete and utter jerk. He is likely already getting some elsewhere and may manipulate the truth to further blame you by using your reactions as a postdated excuse as to why he wandered.

 

[oldethennew]

many years ago when I was suckered into a 'false-marriage', (i'll leave-out the sordid details), after several,
years, Jesus sent a friend into my life that brought me into contact with a 'real Christian Counseling Group',
and the counselor that was assigned to me, God used this Godly man to save my life...

I spent many of my visits talking to him standing behind the curtains covering his windows, and eventually
he gave me the courage to face him and tell him the TRUTH about what was going on in my life, and what
I was going through for such a long time...also, he helped me to understand why I had allowed such things
to continue....oh, such a rude awakening, and I never would have believed him if I didn't totally believe that
he was truly a man of God and that I was divinely sent to him in such a supernatural, loving way....

we must learn to be real, be honest, to speak the Truth that always lies right below the lies -
that satan has taught us...this is the only way that we can find true freedom from his bondage and his power over us...
it takes great Faith in Jesus and great heart and trust in our Saviour, the Giver and Taker of all we possess.




hugs and kisses and prayers....

 

[ThePottersClay]

THAT's YOUR Voice! Keep using that voice with him. (I suspect you do better with writing than talking.)

You are right on that one

 

[Depleted]

This is nothing more than manipulation and control. It Never has a place in a marriage. There are healthier ways to push communication than threats and exploiting peoples fears and being antagonizing. People doing that are doing it to get their way, no matter the cost. Even at the cost of hurting the other person. And it's not justified by saying the other person was being hurtful first.
And she says that even when she does react he brings up divorce. So if she does react, there's no need to continue provoking, yet he does. To continue provoking, even after you get the person to respond shows that it's not really about communication at all. This idea of provoking people to get what you want is not healthy an should not be encouraged.

Talking it out truthfully is emotional manipulation?

Ummm, not really.

 

[ThePottersClay]

Well, in the end, my approach failed to an extent. Initially, he seemed happy with what I said and told me how his life would be worthless without his wife and kids with him...all good and well, until we got home and sat down to talk. He came with a different angle this evening. Tonight, he asked "why would I stay in a relationship that is so toxic". And my only response was "because maybe we just need an antidote".

That was followed, by a "but why"? If you buy a car, and it keeps breaking, are you going to keep it or get rid of it?

Anyway, I have reached a conclusion, he wants an OUT, but he's not willing to make the choice or roll the dice, he is expecting me to make that choice, be the big bad wolf, the antagonist, who broke his heart. So I suppose it comes down to me standing up for myself. What a sad, sad pathetic mess. But thank you all for your kind words or reprimand as well as advise.

 

[Baby12k]

I believe that you are going to get through this and with some men you can talk to them until they turn blue in the face and they will still be selfish. If he is not saved then you CANNOT EXPECT HIM TO DO SAVED THINGS!! I don't know what these people are talking about. You can talk to him all you want it just won't happen. He should know you are hurting and this is a place that you come to share your opinion and although you know your stance on things you just come to ask advice. It's a thread. You ask! People don't actually know the full story of what is is going on in the home and for them to say well you shouldn't share your story instead you should be working it out with him, I'm pretty sure you have told him. Some men just want what they want when they want it. They are like kids. You can't get things when you want it all the time. Yes men and women have needs and the bible says that we aren't to let are spouses wait but also if our spouse wants to leave it also says let them leave also. We don't owe them anything, life is too short to deal with anything less of happiness and joy in the Lord. God is soon to come and we don't want our spouses to send us to hell worrying about them and where we fall short. God will help us, but in the mean time just like in the prayer room. Get on your knees and go in your prayer closet where ever that maybe and write down all the things that he does that makes you sad also write down all the things that he says you do. And give that stuff to God. He won't never put more on you then you can bear! Don't let that burden you, we are to cast all our cares upon the Lord for he cares for us because I know myself of burdens I'm going thru them myself, some heavy ones and it takes some heavy burdens and testimonies to tell someone else about them. Somebody must haven't been through nothing on here!! You can't give no advice if you ain't been through no crazy man trying to tell you something or hover over you! But in the end you got to move on and pray for them cause you can't let them steal your joy and your peace and happiness cause they will try to do this. The world will try to do this! But I hope that you don't die under the knife and don't ever say nothing like that! False hope ain't hope at all! We are to help our weak christians in christ not say why you sharing your grief what type of christians are we! I pray you get thru this my sister. Pray for me also! And whomever find what I say offensive I love you but I speak the truth!

 

[notuptome]

Well, in the end, my approach failed to an extent. Initially, he seemed happy with what I said and told me how his life would be worthless without his wife and kids with him...all good and well, until we got home and sat down to talk. He came with a different angle this evening. Tonight, he asked "why would I stay in a relationship that is so toxic". And my only response was "because maybe we just need an antidote".

That was followed, by a "but why"? If you buy a car, and it keeps breaking, are you going to keep it or get rid of it?

Anyway, I have reached a conclusion, he wants an OUT, but he's not willing to make the choice or roll the dice, he is expecting me to make that choice, be the big bad wolf, the antagonist, who broke his heart. So I suppose it comes down to me standing up for myself. What a sad, sad pathetic mess. But thank you all for your kind words or reprimand as well as advise.

Tell him to go get a vasectomy so as not to endanger your health. Let him make a reasonable sacrifice for the wellbeing of his family and his wife.

Christ made a sacrifice for His church. Tell him to read and pray over Ephesians chapter 5.

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.


For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[BurlyCarl]

Well, in the end, my approach failed to an extent. Initially, he seemed happy with what I said and told me how his life would be worthless without his wife and kids with him...all good and well, until we got home and sat down to talk. He came with a different angle this evening. Tonight, he asked "why would I stay in a relationship that is so toxic". And my only response was "because maybe we just need an antidote".

That was followed, by a "but why"? If you buy a car, and it keeps breaking, are you going to keep it or get rid of it?

Anyway, I have reached a conclusion, he wants an OUT, but he's not willing to make the choice or roll the dice, he is expecting me to make that choice, be the big bad wolf, the antagonist, who broke his heart. So I suppose it comes down to me standing up for myself. What a sad, sad pathetic mess. But thank you all for your kind words or reprimand as well as advise.

I told yah! He is is looking for someone to blame. Waiting for you to pull the trigger because he is too weak to do it himself. Its your choice. None of can tell you what is best for you. You know what is best for you and your kids and that is what matters most is the kids. You have tried and you gotta do what you gotta do. Really their is no easy way to end things. Its going to be terrible. However know that you were unconditionally trying and that matters. Pray for you and better days.

 

[Angela53510]

I do not favour divorce either, but this is emotional and mental abuse. And from what you said about him making you go back to a job where the boss had been sexually harassing you, 3 months into the marriage, this is a persistent and consistent condition. If he was willing to go to counselling, that would be one thing. But he is just playing mind games with you. And you are stuck trying to be the "good" Christian wife, where he "gas-lights" you and worse.

"Gaslighting describes actions that 1) make another person believe he or she is crazy, and 2) discredit the person by making others think they are crazy. The term comes from the play and 1944 movie Gaslight starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In this movie, the Charles Boyer character, acts as aprimary aggressor. What he does is to manipulate the gas light in the house randomly from the attic. When the Ingrid Bergman character, his wife, reports this, he responds as though her perception is wrong. Because she has no explanation and because his manner is confident, she begins to doubt herself. It is not necessary to deliberately manipulate the environment to gaslight another person (although this happens).

Gaslighting happens mostly commonly when a survivor senses or perceives something about the primary aggressor that he does not not want to admit. When the survivors brings this up, the primary aggressor denies what the survivor is actually perceiving or sensing. This is more than just disagreeing--by tone and innuendo, or even outright, the perceptions are labeled improbable or crazy. Since information is incomplete, and since a sincere person is willing to contemplate being in error, the survivor begins to doubt herself. The primary aggressor also will emphasize and increase for a while those behaviors of his that are seemingly different. Also since the primary aggressor knows what is actually going on, there will be a certainty of manner, which while it is a lie, is still convincing. Over-time doubt can grow to the point at which the survivor doubts her sanity.

Being in relationship with someone with a hidden double life is also gaslighting. Because the primary aggressor has a contrary image to the rest of the world, the survivor knows that she or he will not be believed. This can be accentuated if the primary aggressor flaunts the secret behavior to the survivor, so that if she tells of the behavior to others, it will sound 'over-the-top' and therefore a fantasy. Others will be disbelieving and distance themselves from the survivor. The young women patients of Sigmund Freud who described their sexual abuse to him experienced this. The descriptions seemed so unlike the public image of the men responsible that Freud ultimately concluded it was fantasy, and he then took to telling the young women this. That is, he told them they were crazy!"

Gaslighting in Domestic Abuse

You need to look up "domestic abuse" and learn about it. And if possible, go to a group session learning about the cycle of abuse, and the various ways these abusers have of manipulating to try and destroy you as a human being. I think you will recognize many common themes which sadly, exist in abusive relationships.

I would pray and ask God to show you the way through this. Because he is not going to become a nice, normal human being. Unless you are willing to put up with this forever, you need to make some big decisions with your life. And I am not saying people can't change. I believe if your husband wanted to, he could become a good man and a wonderful husband. The problem is, he doesn't seem to want to do that.