So this GUY wants THE GIRL already in a RELATIONSHIP!

[nineperot]

also know that human beings can easily get bored. And this definitely applies to relationships as well. Just something to think upon.

 

[Maddog]

"and most people have several relationships anyway before they finally marry."

Thats one heck of an unfounded claim. what are your sources? your observations? thats not good enough. You cant know and you cant be sure.

My observations are good enough for this context. I don't think we need get bogged down in scientific rigour.

Or are you disagreeing? Do you think that it's more common for people to marry the first person they go out with?

 

[Maddog]

My point is if the existing relationship isn't right then it should be allowed to end naturally on it's own.

I say that her falling for someone else counts as natural. But as I understand it, he's simply wanting to remain in the picture in case it does end 'naturally'.

That's all I'm trying to make clear, this guy the OP is talking about wants to be with this girl and would pursue friendship with her to make it happen, I hope nobody thinks that's a fine way to do things.

Honestly, I think his priorities are a bit off and his efforts would be more fruitful elsewhere, but that's just me. I'm not going to argue it's especially wise because I don't think it is, but I'm not prepared to condemn it either.

There's nothing wrong with being friends with someone.
There's nothing wrong with courting a friend if and when they become available.

 

[Matthew]

I think a friendship, like any relationship, will only be a good one if the foundation is solid and based on the right things, for me, a secret desire to date a friend is not a solid foundation, it's something that at best will have no negative effect but at worst will leave everyone worse off, yourself more than anyone.

If you can't be a true friend the half measure of being a friend except when the boyfriends interests are involved is largely worthless, and you shouldn't hang around hoping for more that might never come, that's sad and really man, go out and get a life of your own with a girl who isn't looking past you to another guy.

I think my points are made so I am finished making them.

 

[Maddog]

I think a friendship, like any relationship, will only be a good one if the foundation is solid and based on the right things, for me, a secret desire to date a friend is not a solid foundation, it's something that at best will have no negative effect but at worst will leave everyone worse off, yourself more than anyone.

Well I broadly agree with this. However, ultimately I'm not sure the reason for the friendship starting in the first place is of that much significance in the long run. I don't know how I ended up making friends, all that matters is that they are my friends.

As for having secret desires...I don't think it's worth keeping it secret. As I've already said, I think it's perfectly possible to fancy someone yet still just be their friend (I know of real life occurances). Whether it's worth risking the potential emotional hurt is up to him.

you shouldn't hang around hoping for more that might never come, that's sad and really man, go out and get a life of your own with a girl who isn't looking past you to another guy.

If we're giving out advice, this would probably be mine too (I wouldn't say it's 'sad', just not worth the time and effort). But if the question is ''is he wrong to do this?'' then I stand by all I've said previously.

I think my points are made so I am finished making them.

And very well presented they were.

 

[MahogonySnail]

He should just tell her that he likes her and let her decide. If it's a definite no then move on.

 

[MahogonySnail]

I think what he's doing is trying to steal her away from the other guy and i dont think thats very nice if he knows it is a loving, committed and stable relationship they have.

 

[lil-rush]

I would think the obvious answer would be to agree with what Matthew is saying.

It is not Godly to hope someone's relationship fails just so you can have a chance at a person. Whether the relationship is good for the person or not, it is not your place to try and steal someone from a relationship they are already in. It shows a lack of character to do so, and I don't see how people could respect such actions.

It is also deceptive to hang out with someone under the pretense of wanting to be their friend when really you are just trying to stay close to that person to wait around for that person's relationship to fail so you can cut in. Deception is also unGodly.

 

[Kuroko]

If a guy tried to be friends with me under false pretenses that just shows his manipulative character. If a guy likes a girl he will pursue her; regardless of the "friend" status. This guy proves that by conveniently placing himself into the friendship zone while he awaits the opportunity for her relationship to falter- I really wouldn't be surprised if he tried to step in as soon as the girls boyfriend disappoints her somehow.

Then again, if this girl can't figure out his intentions she's only got herself to blame if she invites problems into her life.

If that were so then why punish the serpent for deceiving Eve?

I think his intentions can only bare the similar fruit of a deceived relationship where his own gains and ambitions will tower over hers, no one would willingly consume that fruit unless deceived to do so

<3
Rob

 

[nineperot]

My observations are good enough for this context. I don't think we need get bogged down in scientific rigour.

Or are you disagreeing? Do you think that it's more common for people to marry the first person they go out with?
-------------------------------------------
that makes it your personal opinion and its not even compelling. I think its a balance (there are as many people out there who marries the first person they go out with as there are people whos been through several relationships) I cant even imagine the amount of emotional strain required to do this!

and you cant use this reason to justify the alls fair in love and war belief. with this line of thinking how can there ever be any change? one gives up any effort of following Gods principles with this line of thinking. And the fact is, most people here are trying to follow Gods principles. JUST TO CONFIRM, THIS APPLIES ONLY IN A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP THE MAN IS TRYING TO BUTT INTO.

But if the man shes in a relationship with is abusive then by all means, try to help fix the issue or certainly butt in......but some people thinks that being in an abusive relationship is a religious responsibility or destiny thrown at them and they quietly endure and accept it all without wanting any interference. pfft.

 

[nobadee]

Right,

So there is this guy (NOT ME thankyou very much) who is extremely infatuated with this girl. Shes in the last year of her collage. She is currently in a relationship that has lasted 2 years. He knows shes in a two year relationship. But deep inside he hopes her relationship would somehow end with her boyfriend so that he would have the opportunity. Hes apparently been inspired by the success of other men in grabbing the opportunity when the girl they were interested in broke up with their ex.

He has approached her as a friend. Should and Can he be her friend with such intentions?

2nd question -- if this girl asks him "do you like anyone?" Should he just spill the beans and tell her "yes i like you" or not spill the umm....truth?

I know what the right answer may be and its probably a no brainer but just wanted your thoughts.

Your time and thoughts would be most appreciated.

I could understand wanting to steal her away if she was in a bad relationship; but, if she seemed happy with who she is with, why rob her of that?

I'd say wait it out like a good sport and just be friends. Who knows maybe her relationship will come crashing down when (he) least expects it and something will unfold between the two from the friendship they had already established..

 

[Maddog]

My observations are good enough for this context. I don't think we need get bogged down in scientific rigour.

Or are you disagreeing? Do you think that it's more common for people to marry the first person they go out with?
-------------------------------------------
that makes it your personal opinion and its not even compelling. I think its a balance (there are as many people out there who marries the first person they go out with as there are people whos been through several relationships) I cant even imagine the amount of emotional strain required to do this!

Well I wasn't really setting out to compel anyone to agree with my anecdotal observation. If you think there's a balance, fine. All I can say is that I don't personally know anyone who married the first person they went out with. Maybe 'most' is an overstatement, I don't know but neither do you. As far as my experience tells me (take it for what it's worth), it is common to have more than one relationship before marrying. Can we at least agree on that?

and you cant use this reason to justify the alls fair in love and war belief

It's just a figure of speech.

 

[Ashton]

Right,

So there is this guy (NOT ME thankyou very much) who is extremely infatuated with this girl. Shes in the last year of her collage. She is currently in a relationship that has lasted 2 years. He knows shes in a two year relationship. But deep inside he hopes her relationship would somehow end with her boyfriend so that he would have the opportunity. Hes apparently been inspired by the success of other men in grabbing the opportunity when the girl they were interested in broke up with their ex.

He has approached her as a friend. Should and Can he be her friend with such intentions?

2nd question -- if this girl asks him "do you like anyone?" Should he just spill the beans and tell her "yes i like you" or not spill the umm....truth?

I know what the right answer may be and its probably a no brainer but just wanted your thoughts.

Your time and thoughts would be most appreciated.

My advice is for this man to leave her and her boyfriend alone. The fact that she's in a relationship with another guy right now shows that she loves that other guy and isn't going to entertain ideas of cheating on him or leaving him for someone else when she's already happy with her current boyfriend. Likely the only thing that would come of telling her that he loves her would be problems with her boyfriend and her and also at least innitial rejection of the one "spilling the beans." Besides, a woman who would leave her boyfriend she's (presumably) perfectly happy with for another man who tells her he loves her is not a woman worthy to have.

 

[nineperot]

"Well I wasn't really setting out to compel anyone to agree with my anecdotal observation."

sharing an idea or a personal opinion in a discussion where an idea conflicts with yours can and may mean you're attempting to make a point. A person just dont make a point for no reason. How does a person remains neutral in such a situation unless you've already given hints of being open minded about it? But you've remained undeterred so far.

"If you think there's a balance, fine. All I can say is that I don't personally know anyone who married the first person they went out with. Maybe 'most' is an overstatement, I don't know but neither do you.

I am not sure how its like where you live, but where I live I see both sides. Yes there are people and I KNOW THOSE who married their first and only date. It cant be that hard for you to imagine that.

"As far as my experience tells me (take it for what it's worth), it is common to have more than one relationship before marrying. Can we at least agree on that?"

you are right, I equally know people who's been in a several relationships before they finally settled down. You cannot be wrong on that. It is common.

"It's just a figure of speech."

I know and it has a meaning under the context of what you were saying. I felt you were trying to justify it.

Anyways I doubt you'll change your mind but making generalizations not backed up thorough scientific tests is a dangerous road to travel. People making generalizations usually have alot to account for esp in this subject.

 

[nineperot]

Ashton "Besides, a woman who would leave her boyfriend she's (presumably) perfectly happy with for another man who tells her he loves her is not a woman worthy to have."

will it matter to the guy that got her? He wanted her and got her. Mission complete. Time to look forward for a family. at least that's what I assume he would think. Some woman can be rare jewels and worth fighting for. Although what the repercussions will be doing something like this is unknown to me.

regardless, Gods principles still matters above all else, rare woman or not.

 

[Ashton]

Ashton "Besides, a woman who would leave her boyfriend she's (presumably) perfectly happy with for another man who tells her he loves her is not a woman worthy to have."

will it matter to the guy that got her? He wanted her and got her. Mission complete. Time to look forward for a family. at least that's what I assume he would think. Some woman can be rare jewels and worth fighting for. Although what the repercussions will be doing something like this is unknown to me.

regardless, Gods principles still matters above all else, rare woman or not.

I'm saying that a woman who would leave a relationship she's already satisfied in for someone who flirts with her outside of the relationship is not a "rare jewel." It's more likely that she's a mote in a pig's eye. After all, what's to keep her in the relationship with the guy who won her? Some other guy will eventually come along, tell her he loves her and she'll leave the guy who won her from another guy. That was my whole point. God's principles matter above all else, but even if they didn't she still wouldn't be worth it. So if she's in a relationship that's going well for her then there's no reason to pour out your desire for her.

Anyone can have numerous relationships before marriage as long as they're godly relationships. Searching for the right one is not a problem, but once someone is in a relationship they're trying to see how it will go. And because the man and woman are still in a relationship together and presumably unmarried they're trying to see how they'll work out together. 1.) What would be the point in trying to win her over if she's still trying to see how she'll work out with her current man? 2.) Even if you win her over, what have you won? Because she'll just leave you for any other man who comes along.

 

[kiwi_OT]

I hate to say it but...

Before I dated my ex boyfriend I was friends with him first while he had a girlfriend. Both me and his mother agreed that I was better for him, so I stayed in the friend zone until he realised that I was better for him than she was (which didnt take long), and within 24 hours of breaking up with her, he then asked me out and we ended up dating for nearly 4 years.

It does happen. And this wee story makes me probably look very manipulative. BUT in saying that I never EVER told him to break up with her. I never encouraged him to do so. I was his friend first and fore most, and I left his decision up to him.

This guy must do the same if he seriously wants to be her friend while liking her as well. As long as he does not sabotage her relationship with her current boyfriend.

 

[Maddog]

I hate to say it but...

Before I dated my ex boyfriend I was friends with him first while he had a girlfriend. Both me and his mother agreed that I was better for him, so I stayed in the friend zone until he realised that I was better for him than she was (which didnt take long), and within 24 hours of breaking up with her, he then asked me out and we ended up dating for nearly 4 years.

It does happen. And this wee story makes me probably look very manipulative. BUT in saying that I never EVER told him to break up with her. I never encouraged him to do so. I was his friend first and fore most, and I left his decision up to him.

This guy must do the same if he seriously wants to be her friend while liking her as well. As long as he does not sabotage her relationship with her current boyfriend.

Thanks for sharing. I see no wrong in your behaviour here.

 

[lil-rush]

I'm saying that a woman who would leave a relationship she's already satisfied in for someone who flirts with her outside of the relationship is not a "rare jewel." It's more likely that she's a mote in a pig's eye. After all, what's to keep her in the relationship with the guy who won her? Some other guy will eventually come along, tell her he loves her and she'll leave the guy who won her from another guy. That was my whole point. God's principles matter above all else, but even if they didn't she still wouldn't be worth it. So if she's in a relationship that's going well for her then there's no reason to pour out your desire for her.

Anyone can have numerous relationships before marriage as long as they're godly relationships. Searching for the right one is not a problem, but once someone is in a relationship they're trying to see how it will go. And because the man and woman are still in a relationship together and presumably unmarried they're trying to see how they'll work out together. 1.) What would be the point in trying to win her over if she's still trying to see how she'll work out with her current man? 2.) Even if you win her over, what have you won? Because she'll just leave you for any other man who comes along.

I'm guessing a guy who is trying to steal a girl currently in a relationship with someone else wouldn't be concerned with that type of stuff. It appears to be a character flaw that needs fixing, or the guy just isn't very wise.

 

[Appletin]

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tounges, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

if he truly loves the girl and knows that she's already in a relationship, he'll just be happy for both of them and will not get in there way. a true friend will also be happy if his friend is happy.. that is IF he's 'GENUINE.'