how to forgive the unforgivable

[forgivenandloved]

Well, i have a horrible relationship with my mom. I don't talk to her. I really don't like her almost to the point of hate. It started when I was 9 and she let one of my dad's coworkers have his way with me. I remember having to shut up about it till i spilled it to my dad. Then she's had several boyfriends that have raped me and she just commented its part of growing up. It made me afraid of men for the longest and now I can't forget it with my husband and I have the hardest time letting him touch me (if you know what I mean) and he understand luckily. I really hate what she did and I think he's an awful woman. Yes, the police know and no they did NOTHING. But how can I get to the point of forgiving her. I mean I've been praying but I have a feeling that its something I can't forget or forgive. Any comments, ideas suggestions.

 

[pickles]

Hi Gabbie, I went through this with my dad because of abuse. I dont know if you still have alot of contact with your mom. I know that if you do it can make it harder to forgive.
I was not able to forgive my dad for a long time, the abandonment, the abuse, the unpredictable mood swings and mental abuse, well the list goes on.
Every day there was some reminder of how his actions had affected my life.
Since I had so much trouble forgiving I finally realized I could not do this on my own, so I began to pray and ask Jesus to give me his forgiveness for my dad.
The prayers were answered twofold, first I began to see a know Jesus's forgiveness for him, and second ,in this Jesus brought tremendous healing to me in all of this. It took time but that was because with each part of my sorrow that was healed, so was my abuility to forgive my dad.
My father never changed or asked to be forgiven, but Jesus healed me so well that it did not matter. I was able to compleatly forgive, and was healed.
It has been many years since this happened, and my dad passed many years ago, but I am so greatfull for the help from Jesus. I am a peace with all of it, and the wondering if there could have been peace is fullfilled in Jesus.
My prayers are with you in this, you may shed alot of tears, but know they are tears of healing, then they will be tears of Jesus's love, then tears of praise.
Hugs and God bless, pickles

 

[oopsies]

Well, i have a horrible relationship with my mom. I don't talk to her. I really don't like her almost to the point of hate. It started when I was 9 and she let one of my dad's coworkers have his way with me. I remember having to shut up about it till i spilled it to my dad. Then she's had several boyfriends that have raped me and she just commented its part of growing up. It made me afraid of men for the longest and now I can't forget it with my husband and I have the hardest time letting him touch me (if you know what I mean) and he understand luckily. I really hate what she did and I think he's an awful woman. Yes, the police know and no they did NOTHING. But how can I get to the point of forgiving her. I mean I've been praying but I have a feeling that its something I can't forget or forgive. Any comments, ideas suggestions.

I have not had to go through anything like that before but I did have grievances on how my parents had treated me while growing up. I won't go into those details but as much as I hated it, I did my "duty," if you will. All I did was honour and respect them. Since honour and respect is subjective from their point of view, I just did things that I thought would make them happy in a good way. It took some time but just last month, my dad apologized to me out of the blue for the very thing I was angry about. Maybe that will help you?

 

[forgivenandloved]

Hi Gabbie, I went through this with my dad because of abuse. I dont know if you still have alot of contact with your mom. I know that if you do it can make it harder to forgive.
I was not able to forgive my dad for a long time, the abandonment, the abuse, the unpredictable mood swings and mental abuse, well the list goes on.
Every day there was some reminder of how his actions had affected my life.
Since I had so much trouble forgiving I finally realized I could not do this on my own, so I began to pray and ask Jesus to give me his forgiveness for my dad.
The prayers were answered twofold, first I began to see a know Jesus's forgiveness for him, and second ,in this Jesus brought tremendous healing to me in all of this. It took time but that was because with each part of my sorrow that was healed, so was my abuility to forgive my dad.
My father never changed or asked to be forgiven, but Jesus healed me so well that it did not matter. I was able to compleatly forgive, and was healed.
It has been many years since this happened, and my dad passed many years ago, but I am so greatfull for the help from Jesus. I am a peace with all of it, and the wondering if there could have been peace is fullfilled in Jesus.
My prayers are with you in this, you may shed alot of tears, but know they are tears of healing, then they will be tears of Jesus's love, then tears of praise.
Hugs and God bless, pickles

I don't talk to my mom and she wants to see my future baby and I'm refusing that also. I'll admit I'm very bitter but also scared for my future child. Ya I'm trying to find the heart to forgive, but its so hard. Even through prayer I'm finding it hard.

 

[forgivenandloved]

I have not had to go through anything like that before but I did have grievances on how my parents had treated me while growing up. I won't go into those details but as much as I hated it, I did my "duty," if you will. All I did was honour and respect them. Since honour and respect is subjective from their point of view, I just did things that I thought would make them happy in a good way. It took some time but just last month, my dad apologized to me out of the blue for the very thing I was angry about. Maybe that will help you?

so its a waiting game?

 

[phil36]

Hi Forgivenandloved,

Im not really sure what to say, But to give it to the Lord, try not to beat yourself up about trying to forgive your mum. She should never have allowed what happened to you happen in the first place. Keep praying for God to carry you through and give you wisdom and knowledge on this matter for it is only through Him that you will be able to forgive. Praise God you have an understanding Husband.

It's very hard for people to understand the pain, suffering and anguish that you have went through and still going through. but as brothers and sisters in Christ we are going through it with you in prayer (1 Corinthians 12:26).

It would be good to seek advice from a good Pastor, or christian couples who could help support you in all ways especially prayer. I'm not sure about letting your mum see your child, remember, your child is your loving gift from God. I would keep a distance with your child and your mum until you know she has changed, if that ever happens and through prayer that will hopefully happen.

Anyhow, Not much words of wisdom there, but pry to the Lord to give you wisdom, and healing from this, as I can only imagine the mental scars you have through all that has happened.

But one thing and your nickname shows it... you are forgiven and loved by the Almighty creator himself and He through His son has brought you into a loving eternal family.

God bless.

In LOve

Phil

 

[oopsies]

so its a waiting game?

Yes, you can say it is - mostly God waiting for us to let go and turn everything over to Him. My change in behaviour was just me turning to God and seeking Him out. When I started finding Him, I understood that all I need to do is to fulfill my duty. He will take care of the rest. I mean, at the end of the day, can you change another person's heart or how they think? No, of course not. I can't even change my own heart or how I think. All you can do is change your own actions. So I chose the action that was most in-line with what God says to do regardless of how frustrating it was when I started.

 

[artistic_dreams]

i know what u go through....my father and i have a love/hate relationship.....he was my abuser....it took many years before we worked things out....i got an apology from him......now im not saying u will get that from ur mom....what you need to do is start asking jesus to show you how to forgive her so that you can move on....the anger and hatred you have for her only hurts you...its not bugging her one bit....and as for her seeing that baby??? i do not blame you for saying no.....its probably best you keep her out of your life all together......if you have to then change your number so she wont have it...set it where she cant contact you......that way you can start working on you and your emotions...jesus will help you sweety...and it will take time...take it one day at a time.....you are going to be a great mom dont worry....blessings be to you....

 

[pickles]

I don't talk to my mom and she wants to see my future baby and I'm refusing that also. I'll admit I'm very bitter but also scared for my future child. Ya I'm trying to find the heart to forgive, but its so hard. Even through prayer I'm finding it hard.

I had to make the same choice with my dad. If he saw my children it was only in large gatherings.
I would not risk injury to my children. I did not have too much trouble in this as my dad barely gave a thought to seeing them or me. With your mom all I can say is pray and ask Jesus to help you in this. Ill be praying with you.
When you reach the place where Jesus has healed your sorrow and heart, you will see more clearly what the best choice is. But do keep in mind that your witness to his love, despite her actions, may bring healing to and a witness of love to her.
Your childs safety always comes first, if you are put in a position of no choice in seeing her, just keep that sweet baby close to you.You will be amazed at the courage moms have in protecting their children.
Hugs and God bless, pickles

 

[sunshine_debbie]

I used to hate my mother too, for the exact same reason. But God DEMANDS that we forgive and love one another. Its not easy. I have to pray all the time about forgiving her and my dad who was my abuser. I pray alot that I have forgiven them. I dont hate them anymore, but I worry that I havent forgiven them enough.

Only God can help you forgive them. ONLY God. I could never do it myself. Everytime I get near either one of them, I get scared and feel like throwing up. I also will not let them see my children alone. They can see them but only if I am there. My sisters are the same way. Forgiveness is one thing, stupidity is another.

I do struggle with this more then most things. I want to forgive my parents because God asks us to, he demands it in his word. But it is so hard, especially since I am still afraid of them (yes at 39). But prayer helps, it really does. And you will feel better if you stop hating, that I can guarentee. forgiveness is an amazing gift of God. He forgave us all our sins. Who are we to not forgive others?

Debbie

 

[zeroturbulence]

Dear Gabrielle,

First let me say that I am very sorry for what your mom and others did to you. What I have to offer for advice may or may not be what you feel is effective but it has worked for me so I would like to share it with you.

First of all, sometimes we have to forgive the same offense many many times because the anger and resentment return like an old wound. When Peter asked Jesus how many times should he forgive his brother if he sins against him he asked is it seven times? And Jesus replied "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:21-27) Of course that can be interpreted as many different offenses but a pastor said it could also mean just one offense that you have trouble forgiving.

Second, remember that God is your witness. God knows how much you suffered, how badly you were mistreated and how deep your pain is and was. God is merciful and He sees every effort that you make to forgive your mother. He knows how difficult it is for you and I am sure his heart breaks for you when He sees how much you do this out of love and honor for Him.

"For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not forsake you, neither destroy you, nor forget the covenant of your fathers which he swore to them."
Deuteronomy 4:31

Thirdly, know that these things which your mother has done to you is a sign that your mother needs prayer and healing because there is something deeply wrong with her mind and her ability to love. Often these things are rooted in something horrible that happened to the person. Something that made her lose touch with her true self. Remember that God does not make evil people. Something happens to them that makes them do evil things. Inside they are tormented souls even if it does not seem like it on the outside. Just look at the way they live their lives. They are not happy. They are slaves to their twisted desires. Know these things when you pray for them. Know that God made them and God wishes that ALL souls return to Him and that NONE should perish. IF you must - blame the devil for making her do what she did. I often choose that belief because it makes it easier for me to forgive.

"The Lord is not slow about His promise...but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."
2 Peter 3:9


God bless you Gabrielle! (my name is Gabriel) I will be praying for you dear. Feel free to PM me if u want to.

gabe

 

[zeroturbulence]

My heart goes out to all of you here that have been abused. May the Lord touch each and every one of your hearts and fill it with peace and comfort, and may you always feel his presence in your time of need.

 

[Kuroko]

Hello Gabie,

The word sin gets thrown around a lot but I think understanding what it means will help you understand how to forgive it, sin is intentionally doing (or omitting from doing an action to help stop) any action you know will hurt another in any shape or in any form.

Sins aren't ours to judge because lets face it, we would be biased!
What your mother did to you was wrong and I'm sad to hear it has (and still is) causing you harm after the ordeal. You aren't being forced to forgive but if your mother is truly sorry and is asking for your forgiveness then you have a very personal choice to make. Considering the safety of your child is also justifiable, just refrain from using that as a form of punishment.

If she has asked you for your forgiveness and you are having a hard time personally forgiving her I think the best thing you could do is open yourself to her and tell her why it is hard to forgive her, hopefully she will understand the person she is asking forgiveness from was drastically hurt and ultimately became the way she was by those pivotal moments. She said it was a part of growing up.. to me it sounds like when she was young she was hurt herself.

"The sins of the father shall be passed onto the son" in this case the sins cast onto your mother were then cast onto you by her.

I hope she has apologized to you in the very least, if you want to forgive her because it's a pain you have been harboring the only solid advice I can give you is to try to understand that people have different frames of minds, from the very moments we are born. Understanding the frame of mind your mother was in at the time might be the only way to properly can forgive her. The only other way is to consider heavily the personal pain caused and let go of it.

Both are hard options and both ask you accept what happened, not that those actions were right but that they happened and there's just no point harboring them.

For you and your husband, my advice is to consider him as everything those men weren't. By holding onto that pain you're letting them live in those moments between the two of you as well.

<3
Rob

 

[forgivenandloved]

Thanks for the advice
I think the hardest thing is that she has not asked for my forgiveness; she really doesn't care to her she was doing what was best for her and him.

 

[Kuroko]

Ahh well there's still different ways you'll have to forgive her.

As a mother I don't think you could forgive her, I mean you yourself are about to be a mother and I'm sure you could never justify doing that to your own child.

As a person you could because every one makes mistakes, though this will be hard because this particular mistake hurt you personally.

Still a tough decision
I think though you've been given a great wisdom to make those decisions ^_^

 

[HeartOfGod]

Well, i have a horrible relationship with my mom. I don't talk to her. I really don't like her almost to the point of hate. It started when I was 9 and she let one of my dad's coworkers have his way with me. I remember having to shut up about it till i spilled it to my dad. Then she's had several boyfriends that have raped me and she just commented its part of growing up. It made me afraid of men for the longest and now I can't forget it with my husband and I have the hardest time letting him touch me (if you know what I mean) and he understand luckily. I really hate what she did and I think he's an awful woman. Yes, the police know and no they did NOTHING. But how can I get to the point of forgiving her. I mean I've been praying but I have a feeling that its something I can't forget or forgive. Any comments, ideas suggestions.

I understand where you are coming from, except I went through an entirely different situation. I will say this to you working through forgiveness does take time. It took many years for you to collect all that pain and it may take time to get that pain out of you as you work through it. I recommend these books written by some Christian Authors.

Little Girl Lost by Leisha Joseph
Forgiving the Dead Man Walking by Debbie Morris
Beyond Our Control -- Rape by Leila Rae Sommerfeld

God Bless and I will pray for you, even if I don't say it as often enough I do pray for people. when I am lurking around

 

[sunshine_debbie]

Thanks for the advice
I think the hardest thing is that she has not asked for my forgiveness; she really doesn't care to her she was doing what was best for her and him.

My parents dont think they did anything wrong. My mom lies and says she never knew (cough), and my dad is just mad because he got caught (not that he comes out and says that)

But its not about them. Its about you forgiving them. God will help you. You will never have the mother you should have had. Thats a fact, its a hard one, and I think maybe you want them to change. Well they wont, so GET THAT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

This is what you need for your spiritual walk and for your peace. Once you learn to forgive them, you will receive an ultimate peace.

Its a work in progress, dont get me wrong, I struggle with it every day. And I am not saying to not keep your child safe. Just that forgiveness is Gods command.

Debbie

 

[Johnbo]

Debbie,
Reaching out to a Christian Community in an attempt to discner God's Will for this situation is such a wise thing to do! GoD will surely bless you if you maintain this honorable humility in seeking His guidance!

Gabe gave such good advice about the need to "reforgive" . I have forgiven my mother for quitting on our family several times over the years. As I grew up events in my life would rip the scab off the old wound. But it was not those events that needed forgiveness, it was my own heart.

My pastor put it this way; in situations like this, there is no victory except through forgiveness!"

You will get there. Let time pass. Focus on God's Will. Make your decisions and live your life with a kind and loving heart and God will give you the strength to forgive the most painful wrongs. When you forgive, you may be surprised at how your connection to Jesus is strengthened. Hold on tight, because God will do great things through you once you get forgiveness in your heart!

 

[ShelleBelle76]

It's important to remember that forgiving someone is not letting them off the hook for what they have done. But it is freeing yourself from the hold the other person has on you, and allowiing God to be the one to deal with their actions and the resulting consequences. Forgiveness is so difficult because of the associated pain we feel and the human desire for retribution. But reality is, what is done is done, fair or not, and cannot be undone. So we have to choose where that leaves us in the future. We have two choices, we can continue to allow the pain of the situation to eat as us and control our lives, destroying our joy and quality of life or we can forgive and free ourselves from that burden.

Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not always a one time occurance either. You don't necessarily forgive someone and then magically everything becomes okay, especially when the offense is so extremely damaging. You may have to forgive today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, until the healing process of your heart is complete.

And finally, just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you allow them back into your life unrestricted. You can forgive someone of stealing from you, yet not trust them with your bank card. And you can forgive someone for raping you, and refuse to ever put yourself in a situation where you will have to encounter them again. Forgiveness does not require you trust someone. Forgiveness is just that... forgiving someone for what they have done, loosing the hold that event has on both of your lives, and allowing God to effect the situation according to his will.

 

[livingbygrace]

Well, i have a horrible relationship with my mom. I don't talk to her. I really don't like her almost to the point of hate. It started when I was 9 and she let one of my dad's coworkers have his way with me. I remember having to shut up about it till i spilled it to my dad. Then she's had several boyfriends that have raped me and she just commented its part of growing up. It made me afraid of men for the longest and now I can't forget it with my husband and I have the hardest time letting him touch me (if you know what I mean) and he understand luckily. I really hate what she did and I think he's an awful woman. Yes, the police know and no they did NOTHING. But how can I get to the point of forgiving her. I mean I've been praying but I have a feeling that its something I can't forget or forgive. Any comments, ideas suggestions.

In your position I could never naturally forgive. Your only hope is asking God to give you heartfelt forgiveness for your mother; it really would take a miracle, and more strength than you would naturally have. But when we harbour ill feeling towards someone in effect we are being eaten away and robbed of happiness. It is us who suuffer, not the person we harbour the ill feeling towards. I hope and pray your Mother's actions as you grew up are not allowed to ruin your life now, you have suffered enough.
For your own sake, (though it is not easy) I would pray to God that He would make you willing to start with, to allow him to begin the healing in you.
Your Mother was responsible for your childhood being made miserable, don't let her destroy the rest of your life.