Question!

[Mands]

I just want to know what you all think of a young woman having male friends, even when she's dating someone. Does that seem odd to you, or is it something you're ok with? Men, if you were in a relationship with someone, and she had guy friends, would that bother you and would you ask her to lose them? Ladies, have you ever been in a certain situation where your guy just wasn't happy that you had friends of the opposite sex?

 

[disciplesofthecross]

I think a girl needs to be careful about having guy friends when dating. Jealousy can ruin a relationship and satan can use that to cause problems. Unless your guy is cool with it, or until he doesn't seem cool with it, I would talk with him first and then watch (closely) how he reacts.

 

[Matthew]

I just want to know what you all think of a young woman having male friends, even when she's dating someone. Does that seem odd to you, or is it something you're ok with? Men, if you were in a relationship with someone, and she had guy friends, would that bother you and would you ask her to lose them? Ladies, have you ever been in a certain situation where your guy just wasn't happy that you had friends of the opposite sex?

To a certain point I think it is only natural for people in a relationship to be a little uncomfortable with it, I think it is part of our primal feelings but I also think it is a test of a relationship.

In a healthy relationship both people should be able to accept their partner having close friends like that even though a little jealousy is sometimes just a natural response, for a mature adult part of succeding in a relationship is having both knowledge and trust temper those feelings so that it can be accepted.

Even when married neither partner has the right to say what friends you can and cannot have and you have to keep focus on the trust between you and believe that it will always be friendship and nothing more, I feel this way as someone who is completely against the notion that men and women can't be friends without it escalating at some point.
I generally think there is too much sensitivity around this issue, if someone's jealous they need to deal with it, not prevent someone they love having friendships to help them feel secure.

 

[karuna]

An adult should be able to have friends of both sexes.

If someone thinks that having friends of the opposite sex means a threat to a relationship, the problem isn't primarily jealousy - it's immaturity. The word "friend" means something more than a casual acquaintance. Friends are not threats. Friends are supportive of healthy relationships.

Now, if you spend all your time with strangers, or people who want you for themselves, you're not hanging out with friends. This can be a threat to the relationship, but it's because you're excessively socially promiscuous.

I generally think there is too much sensitivity around this issue, if someone's jealous they need to deal with it, not prevent someone they love having friendships to help them feel secure.

Agreed. One might as well tell women to wear sheets of thick material to prevent lust.

 

[Vidy]

I'm a guy. In the past 5 years, I've had 4 guy friends and like ~12+ gal friends (I ended up dating like 3 of those). The closest bonds I form are with girls for some reason, though it's not necessarily romantic bonds. I don't see why the same can't apply to a female =)

 

[Sharp]

I don't think people in relationships should have friends of the opposite gender. It begs the question, what would a person be getting from these friends that they aren't getting from their boyfriend or girlfriend?

This has been the cause of numerous problems in the relationships I've had, both my fault and that of the girl. If a person is spending time with friends of the opposite gender when they could be with their partner, then, why? Why would there ever be a reason to do that?

I'd also go as far as to say that people of the opposite gender shouldn't be friends at all. I don't think there's a need.

 

[mrpower]

I just want to know what you all think of a young woman having male friends, even when she's dating someone. Does that seem odd to you, or is it something you're ok with? Men, if you were in a relationship with someone, and she had guy friends, would that bother you and would you ask her to lose them? Ladies, have you ever been in a certain situation where your guy just wasn't happy that you had friends of the opposite sex?

If you both love each other and you follow your own code i noticed at the bottom ( 1 Cor 13:4-8a) then I don't think it matters. If both of you are serious about loving each other then the gender of your friends shouldn't come into it. (although it often does)
Behavior on the other hand, is what you need to concern yourself with.
Obviously if your male friends are being dodgey or his female friends, then you need to have a look at the situation.. but the same would go for any situation of immoral behavior from either gender that has the power to affect your relationship, would it not?
Don't get me wrong, if your partner is feeling insecure it's definitely worth having a look to see if there's any cause for it (even if you can't see any right now). But I wouldnt systematically cut of your friends just because they're of the opposite gender... oh, unless of course they're ex partners or something like that.. then.. well, in my opinion, not always necessary... (obviously it depends) but usually.

I had a situation where my g/f's friend was flirting with me. I didnt notice because her friend was always friendly with people and id known them both for years.
It took my mrs sitting me down and explaining what she saw and how it made her feel before i did as well.
Once I realised i couldnt miss it. She didnt speak that way to anyone else, didnt subtlety touch anyone else that way. She even went so far as to "jokingly" put down my g/f. In the end we stopped hanging out with her. But not because of her gender, but because there was a problem with her behavior that affected our relationship.
....
Cr@p.. sorry, realised i wrote that all as if was about you.. but you didnt say that.
Either way, it all stands as well from a generic view point.

God bless - Mr D

 

[mrpower]

I don't think people in relationships should have friends of the opposite gender. It begs the question, what would a person be getting from these friends that they aren't getting from their boyfriend or girlfriend?

This has been the cause of numerous problems in the relationships I've had, both my fault and that of the girl. If a person is spending time with friends of the opposite gender when they could be with their partner, then, why? Why would there ever be a reason to do that?

I'd also go as far as to say that people of the opposite gender shouldn't be friends at all. I don't think there's a need.

People of the opposite gender shouldn't be friends at all?? are you serious?!?
I have friends that are basically my sisters. Over the years we've developed relationships that are defined completely by our mutual love for one another and being there for each other as though I would for any of my friends and family.
I have 2 friends that I take out when their partners are away. Chill with when they're on the mines for weeks at a time.
I take care of their kids, they call me uncle dan. I've been puked on, made into a pack animal, been used as a mounting post so my niece could climb a higher rather than me just lift her up.
I've seen them and their partners cry.
In one of these 2 cases the partner was a little sus of me when they first started going out.. he didnt know me.
But my behavior, has always, demonstrated my intent. Now if he goes away, when he gets back he thanks me for keeping his Mrs company.
Let behavior define, not irrational fear.
- D

 

[Sharp]

People of the opposite gender shouldn't be friends at all?? are you serious?!?
I have friends that are basically my sisters. Over the years we've developed relationships that are defined completely by our mutual love for one another and being there for each other as though I would for any of my friends and family.
I have 2 friends that I take out when their partners are away. Chill with when they're on the mines for weeks at a time.
I take care of their kids, they call me uncle dan. I've been puked on, made into a pack animal, been used as a mounting post so my niece could climb a higher rather than me just lift her up.
I've seen them and their partners cry.
In one of these 2 cases the partner was a little sus of me when they first started going out.. he didnt know me.
But my behavior, has always, demonstrated my intent. Now if he goes away, when he gets back he thanks me for keeping his Mrs company.
Let behavior define, not irrational fear.
- D

Well.

To me it sounds like you're slipping in and out of the partner's role. In my opinion the things you've described should be done solely by a partner, and their failure to do these things and their willingness to let you substitute into these positions is irresponsible on their part. You sound like an upstanding guy with the best of intentions, but you can't guarantee that these women's feelings for you won't suddenly change when their relationships go bad.

 

[mrpower]

Well.

To me it sounds like you're slipping in and out of the partner's role. In my opinion the things you've described should be done solely by a partner, and their failure to do these things and their willingness to let you substitute into these positions is irresponsible on their part. You sound like an upstanding guy with the best of intentions, but you can't guarantee that these women's feelings for you won't suddenly change when their relationships go bad.

Can I guarantee anything in life, except, that which is laid out for me clearly in the bible?
I'm sorry this is the way you feel man.
To me, as I hope you'd picked up. these are my sisters. I treat them, and their partners, as i would my brothers and sisters.
Does a man or woman suddenly lose the right to have a friend around when their partner is away simply because that friend is of the opposite gender?
But my point, nothing can be controlled, but events are generally determined by our actions, no?
I can see your point. As has happen in my friends history's, they have problems with their partners. At this time, why should I back away for fear?
It is at this time they need advise that is based in love, not fear. When they can hear the word of God through someone that truly loves them, where they can hear the meaning of love and determine if it fits for their relationship or not.
I have helped so many of my friends sort their relationships out now id use the cliche term, "i've lost count". But this isn't something to count. As in all things to do with helping my friends, and anyone else, it's done in love.
So again. And i urge you in this. Do not let your actions unto others be determined out of the fears you may have, but by the love you have. What good are we as people if we base our decisions on our fears, rather than our existing love.

God bless - D

 

[Sharp]

I'm not talking about fear. I'm saying its inappropriate.

There should be no reason for a person in a relationship to gain satisfaction from a person of the opposite gender who they are not related to.

People focus so much these days on the physical side of cheating, but no-one talks about or thinks about emotional cheating.

I consider having close friendships with people of the opposite gender while in a relationship to be cheating. Whatever they are getting from being friends with these other people, they should be getting from their partner. If they are not getting it, they should find a different partner, instead of having their emotional and personal needs met by several different people at the same time.

 

[Sharp]

I'm not talking about fear. I'm saying its inappropriate.

There should be no reason for a person in a relationship to gain satisfaction from a person of the opposite gender who they are not related to.

People focus so much these days on the physical side of cheating, but no-one talks about or thinks about emotional cheating.

I consider having close friendships with people of the opposite gender while in a relationship to be cheating. Whatever they are getting from being friends with these other people, they should be getting from their partner. If they are not getting it, they should find a different partner, instead of having their emotional and personal needs met by several different people at the same time.

If I could give myself rep points for this post I would. I've been admiring it for a while - I think its my best post ever.

 

[Matthew]

There should be no reason for a person in a relationship to gain satisfaction from a person of the opposite gender who they are not related to.

People focus so much these days on the physical side of cheating, but no-one talks about or thinks about emotional cheating.

I consider having close friendships with people of the opposite gender while in a relationship to be cheating. Whatever they are getting from being friends with these other people, they should be getting from their partner. If they are not getting it, they should find a different partner, instead of having their emotional and personal needs met by several different people at the same time.

I tried to write a response to that but it started turning into an essay.....so I stopped.....but I find that truly ridiculous, and frankly a little bit sad.

 

[mrpower]

I'm not talking about fear. I'm saying its inappropriate.

There should be no reason for a person in a relationship to gain satisfaction from a person of the opposite gender who they are not related to.

People focus so much these days on the physical side of cheating, but no-one talks about or thinks about emotional cheating.

I consider having close friendships with people of the opposite gender while in a relationship to be cheating. Whatever they are getting from being friends with these other people, they should be getting from their partner. If they are not getting it, they should find a different partner, instead of having their emotional and personal needs met by several different people at the same time.

What if your friends have been your friends for the last say.. 10 years? You literally grew out of puberty with them. Or even more, what if you up out of diapers with them? Should you walk away from that friendship because you aren't blood related and they are in a relationship? Not give them the support you've always given them because they are in a relationship and of the opposite gender?
I noticed you said that you didn't do this out fear. But you continue to say what people should do based solely (seemingly) only on that which others have done.
Is emotional cheating something that has been a problem for you in the past?
Either for yourself or for your partner? Perhaps someone you know.
(Completely Rhetorical)
I bring this up because I can relate. But it doesn't change my conclusions.
In every relationship in life, deal with those as we would wish to be dealt with. 1 Corinthians 13:4-9a is an excellent guide regardless of how i've been treated in the past.
If you are building up your friend and holding them up more strongly than their partner at all times; regardless of gender, or blood connection, then yeah, you've got a problem.
However, In all things, people have their seasons. Do we be-grudge a councilor at a church for being friends with a family and occasionally counseling either wife or husband; building them up because they have doubts?
Why is a friend so different if everything you are doing, is being done, in love, to build them both up?
As I said in the original post to Mands. It's about the behavior of the friend. If they are always there, taking the place of the partner. Then yeah, you've got a problem. but if they are a genuine friend, proven over time by their behavior, to be nothing but a good friend and example, then what's the problem?

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I'm not talking about fear. I'm saying its inappropriate.

There should be no reason for a person in a relationship to gain satisfaction from a person of the opposite gender who they are not related to.

People focus so much these days on the physical side of cheating, but no-one talks about or thinks about emotional cheating.

I consider having close friendships with people of the opposite gender while in a relationship to be cheating. Whatever they are getting from being friends with these other people, they should be getting from their partner. If they are not getting it, they should find a different partner, instead of having their emotional and personal needs met by several different people at the same time.

I like this.............

 

[brlwgirl]

It is okay for girls to have friends while in a relationship as long as the guy isnt jealous...
In my case though having never been in a relationship but the guy friends I do have we have grown up with each other and have never considered each other in anyway than what we already were; so I don't see where the bf would get jealous even if it was just a platonic relationship. If he was though than that would be stepping on a whole other issue....

 

[Sharp]

What if your friends have been your friends for the last say.. 10 years? You literally grew out of puberty with them. Or even more, what if you up out of diapers with them? Should you walk away from that friendship because you aren't blood related and they are in a relationship? Not give them the support you've always given them because they are in a relationship and of the opposite gender?

Yes absolutely. You should end your friendship with this person out of respect to your partner.

I noticed you said that you didn't do this out fear. But you continue to say what people should do based solely (seemingly) only on that which others have done.
Is emotional cheating something that has been a problem for you in the past?
Either for yourself or for your partner? Perhaps someone you know.
(Completely Rhetorical)

I don't base my opinions on this solely on my experiences, but not one good thing ever came from me having a female friend while having a girlfriend, or my girlfriends having a male friend (good for the relationship that is), but plenty of heartache came from it.

I bring this up because I can relate. But it doesn't change my conclusions.
In every relationship in life, deal with those as we would wish to be dealt with. 1 Corinthians 13:4-9a is an excellent guide regardless of how i've been treated in the past.
If you are building up your friend and holding them up more strongly than their partner at all times; regardless of gender, or blood connection, then yeah, you've got a problem.
However, In all things, people have their seasons. Do we be-grudge a councilor at a church for being friends with a family and occasionally counseling either wife or husband; building them up because they have doubts?
Why is a friend so different if everything you are doing, is being done, in love, to build them both up?
As I said in the original post to Mands. It's about the behavior of the friend. If they are always there, taking the place of the partner. Then yeah, you've got a problem. but if they are a genuine friend, proven over time by their behavior, to be nothing but a good friend and example, then what's the problem?

The problem is this.

If you are friends with someone, you have a relationship with that person. Whether people are willing to admit this or not, same gender friendships are different to opposite gender friendships. A friendship with a member of the opposite gender is like a sample of a full relationship.

People are so accepting these days of having multiple relationships with the opposing gender. I'm pretty sure its a modern phenomenon. I think the norm for most of the history of the world would have been for men to associate with men and women to associate with women. Each man has his own woman (only one) and each woman has her own man (only one). This system is harmonious, uncomplicated, and sensible.

The way I see it there are 2 main elements to what goes on in a relationship: emotional and physical. If you were in a relationship with a girl, how far would you be willing to let her go with another man physically? Would you mind if she hugged another man? Held hands with him? Kissed him? How far would you be willing to let the girl go emotionally with him? Would you mind if they spent time together alone? Went to a movie together? Stayed over night at his house? Prayed and studied the bible together? All of this is inappropriate. By your partner having these kinds of friendships, you diminish your own role in the relationship and invite others in. You lose the things that are special, that should only be done by a partner. But the world's values are becoming more corrupted each day, and I'm not surprised that most people are willing to accept their partners engaging in emotional orgies.

 

[mrpower]

I can see where you're coming from. And in the extreme case, i.e. the worst case scenario.
But I can't agree with, or condone, applying the worst case scenario to from the ground up. Very few issues unless directly spoken about in Scripture are that black and white.
In this, we shall have to agree to disagree I think.
As always it has been a pleasure talking to someone who is obviously passionate about a subject, without it turning into a flame war.
I hope our entirely contrasting posts help others ponder this more clearly and carefully
God Bless - D

 

[Sharp]

I can see where you're coming from. And in the extreme case, i.e. the worst case scenario.
But I can't agree with, or condone, applying the worst case scenario to from the ground up. Very few issues unless directly spoken about in Scripture are that black and white.
In this, we shall have to agree to disagree I think.
As always it has been a pleasure talking to someone who is obviously passionate about a subject, without it turning into a flame war.
I hope our entirely contrasting posts help others ponder this more clearly and carefully
God Bless - D

Yes, its been interesting discussing this with you!

Have a good evening.

 

[Hesavdme]

I think it's complicated. Most of it is respecting boundaries and your partner's feelings. I think when you're in a relationship, things have to change a little. Spending time at your friends house (of the opposite gender) alone or or having late night chats can cause big problems for a lot of people. Also, from my experience, guys don't always realize that sometimes woman can be drawn in emotionally and, while they think because there hasn't been any actual flirting or physical contact some women who aren't getting emotional support in their relationships start to feel like they are getting that through these men. Take what happened to my friend for example, Her husband had a lady friend who would call him crying about her boyfriend in the middle of the night, always wanted to sleep over their house, and would wait around for him at their house until he got home from work. Her husband thought she just needed someone to talk to and just wanted to hang out with the both of them. (Turned out NOT to be the case...) This would be a situation where boundaries are crossed. Both partners have to be considerate and no matter how innocent a friendship might be, it's best to avoid situations that might make your partner uncomfortable or give anyone the wrong idea.