Choosing a Spouse Who Won't Leave You

[presidente]

Some of the posts show that having a list of criteria isn't full-proof. People can sin, even if they seemed to have everything going for them as far as their background and professed beliefs go before marriage.

But as far as criteria go, let's get back to that. Do any more need to be added to my list? What are some specifically for men and women.

Having criteria really helped me, btw, in choosing a wife. When I went to Indonesia, I could tell that lots of women liked me. I didn't feel like I'd turned heads in the US. Maybe I had just suddenly learned to pick up on cues. But I think part of it was having a bit of that foreign mystique in a country where a certain percentage of the women like white men and where marrying outside of your people-group is okay. And I'd just hit prime age to marry in my mid-20's when I'd arrived.

I could have started a relationship with a less than ideal spouse. Although, it does seem like there are a lot of traditional women in Indonesia, and picking a Christian girl at random and dating and then marrying her seems much more likely to not end in divorce than doing the same thing in the US.

There is also the fact that I really prayed for the Lord to direct me to my wife. She was praying for a husband, too, and we prayed for the Lord to speak to us about it. I found out later that my wife believed the Lord told her I was the one for her right before our first conversation. I'd seen her before and didn't realize it until after that first conversation. I figured out I'd seen her before and thought, "I wonder if the Lord will give me a woman that beautiful to be my wife some day." After our first conversation, I went home and prayed about whether she was going to be my wife.

 

[Blik]

I could have started a relationship with a less than ideal spouse. Although, it does seem like there are a lot of traditional women in Indonesia, and picking a Christian girl at random and dating and then marrying her seems much more likely to not end in divorce than doing the same thing in the US.

As protestant Christians, we say that Christ speaks differently than God, so obeying does not mean as much to most. In the world as God (Christ) created it, the family is our primary unit. Asians believe that.

So often we say "Lord, we have a problem, solve it for us". We are, instead, to listen to the Lord. Almost always, the solutions the Lord gives us requires us to do something. In all the miracles we are told of in scripture something was required to instigate the miracle. As an example, Christ put mud on the eye of the blind man. It was still the grace of God that gave sight, but we are always asked to obey.

One woman who had to live with a mother in law she hated was to act as if she loved her. It solved the problem.

One marriage was about to break up because of the terrible temper tantrums of the husband. The wife gave the most complete, concise, and honest evaluation to a Christian psychiatrist. He pinpointed the cause and gave the ways for the wife to handle the tantrums. The marriage was saved.

One person who was very ill was told to accept the ways of his parents instead of simmering with resentment.

 

[Depleted]

I knew I could trust hubby to be faithful because of his past history. He was faithful before. His first wife was not. Twice.

I know I could trust him in everything because I knew what he did to determine what he should do. (Asked God to teach him how to handle it and studied the bible for answers.)

He lost everything but the bills.

I wanted to make sure he could trust me. My desk was my great-grandfather's first anniversary gift to his wife. My "toy chest" was really my dowery chest (that never got filled with dowery stuff. Oh well. It still has fond memories attached to it, and I can't give it up, if at all possible.) My bed was something picked out by Mom and Gram as a keepsake for me. I had my mother's dollhouse, and Mom and Gram gave me a child-sized tea cupboard that held girls' tea sets from when my great-grandmother was a little girl, my grandmother, my mother, and my tea set. Dad gave me a diningroom table and chairs when I got my first apartment. My "stuff" is very precious to me, and future-hubby truly understood that. So, I promised him he gets everything if we ever split with full understanding I had no intention of ever giving up my stuff (or him. lol)

And then I had to keep proving to him I wasn't going to cheat on him by the obvious ways -- come home after work, tell him where I'm going when I go visit family and friends but he doesn't want to go, (and make sure he always knows he is invited to go with me), and just keep coming back home every time i did go somewhere.

It took 30 years before he could finally relax his guard, but it didn't matter. I wasn't going anywhere, so I figured he'd get that eventually. She really did a number on him, but I love him, so I'm sticking with him.

Did he come from a good family? Hell no! Mine will never win the Good Housekeeping seal of approval either, but he doesn't hold that against me. We didn't marry our families. (Whew!)

He really did think that I would keep going home and love Dad despite my family's history was a good indication that I took the Bible seriously. I took how he kept trying to make his first marriage work as my proof he would keep at this one too.

Did he have to be sober? Not really. It didn't bother me that he went out with the guys every other Friday night for a few drinks, and it didn't bother me that he came home drunk. It wasn't something I didn't know before we were married. Ends up, it bothered him. He quit because he's an alcoholic. Great. He choice to quit.

Both of us smoked. Both of us tried to quit. He got to quit the hard way -- heart attack followed by six months of either not knowing he couldn't go out of the hospital for a smoke or simply not going out for one. When I was blabbing everything to the nurse on what else was wrong with him, she asked if she should put a nicotine patch on him. He was semi-awake and shook his head. HE quit, even though he had no choice in having a smoke.

I tried. I tried 6 times in the last two years. I can't. His doctors get on my case about that. He tells me he has no interest in smoking again because God truly delivered him from the desire. For his sake and my sake, (I saw what happened to him, so I know how bad this can get), I'd like to quit. I can't. He is fine with that.

We encourage each other to do the good goals, the good things, to go for it, if there is something either one of us really wants to do. That's what marriage is like. And neither of us nag because nagging doesn't work and just causes grudges.

I don't think there is much of a list of what we do or don't get out of marriage. I get him. That's what I want. And because God gave me him, I go with Willie's take on 90/10. Aim for 90. None of us make that anyway, but keep aiming.

 

[Depleted]

Oh yeah, presidente. What you wrote about marriage and divorce, not getting married again, thats what the bible says. Jesus said that if you divorce and marry another, it is adultery. Paul said that if you separate, you remain single or reconcile. A lot of Christians don't want to hear that. I just see it all the time, on facebook, these "Christians" posting about how homosexuals are destroying marriage and I know for a fact that same person is two time divorced, working on a third. I can't help but laugh, even though I shouldn't. I said this in church before and everyone gets mad. I don't know why. Jesus said it. He is the King. They say "that's your interpretation." No it's not. It's written in red ink in plain english. It ain't like I have to translate from greek. It's been translated two dozen ways and it says the same thing.

There is one reason to divorce, and when it comes to that, it is fine to remarry.

 

[presidente]

Tommy379,

This might be a bit of extrapolation and assumption on my part, but made that comment about the trusting your heart T-shirt and the heart being magical. Does your wife have some kind of Hollywood movie ideal in her head about love, romance, etc.?

If you were to make a list of characteristics to be careful about, would you put 'unrealistic romanticized view of love' on your list.

I don't know if I'll do it, but I've thought about writing a book on this topic. I don't know that I'd say you don't date or marry a woman you know has a romanticized idealistic view of romantic love from watching Disney movies, etc. But you could try to talk some sense into a girl about this kind of stuff before you get married and see if it works before getting to far into the relationship. What are your comments about it?

 

[Depleted]

I've called her, talked until I'm blue in the face. I've written letters, love notes, sent flowers, bought gifts, professed love, done everything but made a mix tape. She is not budging. She rather sit at Starbucks with other divorce approving hags. So I started buying her Starbucks gift cards, cause the more of those 1000 calorie, sugar infused, sad excuses for coffee, the fatter she gets. I have been eating nothing but beef and lifting heavy. Its diabolical really. She is not going to be happy when I don't agree to her property settlement. I don't care. I can't afford what she wants.
I've prayed that God softened her heart. My children know something is wrong and have started praying for us to be together. I take the kids back to mommy and my 4 year old daughter is screaming "I want you daddy!" I have even prayed that God would put a wise old black woman in her life, like in that movie War Room. My wife sent my kids over here for the weekend with a new shirt for my daughter that read "Trust your heart." I threw the shirt out, what a terrible message to send your children.
Thats the thing, women think their heart has some magical powers. Bull crap. If God can fill your heart with the spirit, satan can fill it with lies. Don't trust your heart, walk with wisdom.

I see bitterness in this.

 

[Tommy379]

Tommy379,

This might be a bit of extrapolation and assumption on my part, but made that comment about the trusting your heart T-shirt and the heart being magical. Does your wife have some kind of Hollywood movie ideal in her head about love, romance, etc.?

If you were to make a list of characteristics to be careful about, would you put 'unrealistic romanticized view of love' on your list.

I don't know if I'll do it, but I've thought about writing a book on this topic. I don't know that I'd say you don't date or marry a woman you know has a romanticized idealistic view of romantic love from watching Disney movies, etc. But you could try to talk some sense into a girl about this kind of stuff before you get married and see if it works before getting to far into the relationship. What are your comments about it?

I have no idea. Ive been ssying it for years, that Disney is ruining people

 

[Tommy379]

I see bitterness in this.

Why would I not get bitter?

 

[renewed_hope]

Why would I not get bitter?

Okay, okay.....I understand what you are saying, but I also see where she is getting at. Life sucks and people have their own ways of going about things. Your wife left, yes and that is horrible considering you have children together. You fought for the marriage, yet she continued walking away. I know you love this woman and would go to the ends of the Earth for her, but at the end of the day she didn't know a good thing when she had it and if she would rather be with her friends encouraging her to divorce you which I'm sure they've made up stories about you and she believed them...if she would do this after so many years of marriage and children than you are better off moving forward, forgiving her because that is what the Bible tells us to do and continue on with your life. I went to a church when I was younger where the pastor and his wife founded a church and had a television ministry and had three children, she was in charge of the worship ministry and he was part of the youth and they were married for over ten years....all of a sudden he spent more time at the church along with his secretary. Him and his wife decided it was best for him to take a sabbatical so they can have family time...about two months later he came back, but she didn't. We later found out she wanted to get her real estate license and help provide for the family and he broke the computer so she couldn't take the exams and issued divorce papers because he wanted out and made her out to be having an affair which she wasn't. She signed them both up for counseling but he wouldn't show and said he didn't love her anymore and she had two hours to get out of the house. He was the one cheating on her and soon as the divorce was final he married a young woman in the youth group. She quickly got remarried too but because she didn't forgive him she married a man who was just like her ex and beat her. When she finally asked God to remove her bitterness and anger towards her ex she finally met and married a great guy who has been good to her...what's funny is that she married by dad's old boss from the 90s and has had a few bouts of breast cancer but overall she has been blessed.

What depleted was trying to say is no matter how much you are hurting you need to give it to God because if you don't it will literally eat you alive

Tommy, you deserve God's very best and I do believe because you didn't choose this divorce you can get married again without a problem and I know God will bless you beyond your wildest dreams. Don't let the enemy discourage you of what God can do

 

[James1979Australia]

If you read the bible on divorce you wife cannot remarry but you can. Have a look and you will be surprised.

 

[Depleted]

Why would I not get bitter?

Because God is with us to help us out of the bitterness thing.

But, got a question for you, why would your wife want to come back if you are so bitter to her? Sounds like you're enticing her back into the beehive with honey. I like honey. Bees make me stay away from the hive though.

 

[Depleted]

If you read the bible on divorce you wife cannot remarry but you can. Have a look and you will be surprised.

The cheater can't remarry. The cheated can. (The cheater isn't always the wife.)

 

[Tommy379]

Tommy ain't getting remarried. I got a wife already. I'm bitter because we have a society and laws stacked against men.

 

[Tommy379]

If you read the bible on divorce you wife cannot remarry but you can. Have a look and you will be surprised.

I know what it says. Tommy ain't getting remarried.

 

[presidente]

Tommy ain't getting remarried. I got a wife already. I'm bitter because we have a society and laws stacked against men.

That does seem to be the case in the US and a lot of places. If you make a contract with someone to build your house, you can sue him and make him build it or else refund your money.

If you make a sacred covenant with a woman to be faithful to you and be your wife forever, and she cheats on you and/or just leaves you, the judge may just give her money, and custody of the kids, too. The courts often reward covenant breaking when it comes to marriage.

 

[Depleted]

Tommy ain't getting remarried. I got a wife already. I'm bitter because we have a society and laws stacked against men.

It is possible to move on. God can remove the bitterness. As I said, hubby lost everything but the bill in his divorce. He is not bitter anymore.

 

[Pinay39]

I am just curious are there chances to find a virgin husband too...? I know there are...but admittedly guys who are waiting are rare than women especially men who are in their 40's,50's and 60's are very rare to find.

 

[Tommy379]

It is possible to move on. God can remove the bitterness. As I said, hubby lost everything but the bill in his divorce. He is not bitter anymore.

I'm not moving on. I'm standing for marriage like a Spartan.

 

[presidente]

I am just curious are there chances to find a virgin husband too...? I know there are...but admittedly guys who are waiting are rare than women especially men who are in their 40's,50's and 60's are very rare to find.

It might be easier to find a non-virgin 'sexually virtuous man', a widower who only slept with his wife.

I do know a kind of shy ethnic Japanese man who, the last I talked with him about it a few years ago, was a virgin.

 

[presidente]

Tommy379, I applaud your resilience and your convictions, in spite of social pressure. I would hope if I were in the same situation, that I would have the same characteristics.