How to truly forgive?

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healingsoul

Guest
#21
#21
First I want to say that I am very sorry for the pain your endured as a child and what you are still have to deal with.

I have been through similar situations with my parents. Of course the details of your relationship with your mother is uniquely yours. As a Christian God asks us to forgive others because He wants to hold the person accountable to Him (He says, “Vengeance is mine.”)

If you don’t forgive a person you really carry them with you all the time like dragging them around on a ball and chain. We don’t forgive people because we feel love for them. We forgive them because God told us to and because God will deal with their sin against us and Him.

You are simply releasing her to God, and moving on in your life.


Mimi84 said:
Hey folks,

Hope you are all well.

Not sure where to start but I'm finding it hard to forgive someone and I know being a Christian now that I should.

It's my mother. She didn't raise me and my sister very well, some awful things happen to us due to her drinking and mental health problems. It's something that I try and avoid and pretend it didn't happen. She would of not feed us, left us alone at home, have strange men in the house, she stripped me naked infront of one of them once when she was drunk and she thought this was hilarious at the time.. I also had a drunk man get into my bed while I was sleeping and he was trying to cuddle me.. I have my own children and would never subject them to this, a few years ago I wanted I asked her things and she stopped speaking to me for 2 years!

I don't fell like I love her :(

But if I don't forgive does God not forgive me?

I'm doing a forgiveness course in church and it was the first time I'd brought it up, I felt the presence of Holy Spirit come over and blurted it out with many years.. I just don't know how I'm going to forgive her though.. and do I need to have a relationship with her? I see her every few weeks but that's enough for me.

I've been praying about it all. Just worried that I won't be forgiven over it all.

Had anyone got good advice or been through child neglect/abuse that could help me?

There's so many other things that went on that are stuck in my head

God bless

S x
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Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#22
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#22
LaurenTM said:
well, Dan, how about the Lord's prayer?

forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us

note: forgiveness on the part of the offended person does mean that they are automatically saved..HOWEVER...the offenses between Christians are myriad and many...and what does Jesus say in that case?

leave your gift at the altar...in other words, before you approach God, get your horizontal relationships fixed first

frankly, I believe that when we forgive, we are 'freeing' up that person and ourselves as well and who knows how God will work in their lives!!!
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Yes, in the Lord's prayer, he was asking for forgiveness. God forgives those who ask and He expects us to do likewise. But how do you forgive a person who doesn't acknowledge an offense? They don't care if you forgive them because in their mind they did nothing wrong. Or they just don't care. You can't force someone to be forgiven.

Example; If someone is stabbing you to death, do you forgive them after they plunge a knife into you the first time, between the second and third stabs, or after five or six stabs? My answer, you don't forgive them because they haven't asked for it and they don't want forgiveness, they just want you dead. "If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). Rebuke means to maintain sharp disapproval of someones behavior or actions until they turn from them (repent).. jmo

 
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mcubed

Senior Member
#23
Dec 20, 2013
1,449
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#23
I love this post because I can relate. I was not raised well either. I am the bestirred child of a non-Jewish man when all my other 6 sisters and a brother come from my mom’s now dead religious Jewish husband then to toping it off I become Messianic. I don’t get sexual abuse but what I do get is rejection from both mom and “dad” and biological father. As a teen, I shot dope, drank unto oblivion, and for some strange reason Messiah revealed Himself to me. My mom and her family had nothing to do with me until her husband died 6 years ago, then we started talking. Today we are close but I still not in her will…ohy… go figure Jewish mothers… she loves me today but I am a “Christian” (my mother is a millionaire, do not be confused I am not!!!) lol

All of this is said to say this… I hated her for years for rejecting me, wasn’t it her adultery that conceived me, then my Dad told me in His word if I accept Him I must accept I will be rejected by my people. And yes, people even means, mother hates the daughter. So how could I hold that against her? Well, I did. Then one day I told my mom what I held against her and she said to me if I could have an abortion I would have. I went outside cried out to G-d and in that moment, I had my first vision. It was real I saw all 35 years (at that time) of my life flash before like a movie and the Holy Spirit filled me and I had a knowing like no other knowing if I can be forgiven of my sin I am not above G-d and I forgave all in that moment. I do not know how, I don’t even know if you need a G-d thing like I had.

I am now her friend and in some way her daughter; unless G-d really changes her I will never be her daughter because I am the illegitimate child. To me she is and will always be my mom and to be honest at almost 50 I want to be my mommy. Maybe that will happen in this life, maybe not it is what it is… but this is true… Some days it/she bothers me, but now I can forgive per offence and I have to. Because I am forgiven and to be honest I love my mom. But some offences take 1 at a time to forgive and not a big woosh “I forgive you”.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#24
Mar 2, 2016
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#24
I think you have to acknowledge the pain and abuse that you suffered. Allow yourself to feel it. So often people try to dampen the pain from trauma by minimizing it away. This was a horrible thing you endured...just awful. You have to mourn it to heal your heart and only then can you get to forgiveness. You were given a raw deal. I would suggest looking at the stages of grief and allow yourself to go thru each stage. Tell someone how this hurt you...the pain you felt. Even if you can't tell your mom find someone you trust to stand in her place so you can vocalize your pain. You so want to be heard and validated.....for them to say....I am so sorry I hurt you...I understand how you feel. You may never get that from the person who harmed you but you can learn to give it to yourself.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#25
#25
Dan58 said:
Yes, in the Lord's prayer, he was asking for forgiveness. God forgives those who ask and He expects us to do likewise. But how do you forgive a person who doesn't acknowledge an offense? They don't care if you forgive them because in their mind they did nothing wrong. Or they just don't care. You can't force someone to be forgiven.

Example; If someone is stabbing you to death, do you forgive them after they plunge a knife into you the first time, between the second and third stabs, or after five or six stabs? My answer, you don't forgive them because they haven't asked for it and they don't want forgiveness, they just want you dead. "If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him" (Luke 17:3). Rebuke means to maintain sharp disapproval of someones behavior or actions until they turn from them (repent).. jmo

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With great difficulty.

I'm not going to go asks the guys who raped me if they're up to asking for my forgiveness. That's just stupid! BUT I cannot spend the rest of my life hating them either. It turned into something ghastly. (My mind has gone places even slashers movies don't dare to go.)

God does tell us that we are supposed to make it right, even if we are the perpetrated, and not the perpetrator. He asks us to love our enemy. How can you do that without forgiving the enemy?

And how can you love or forgive without trust?

With great difficulty. Fortunately, trust isn't included in forgiving or loving. So what I do is offer the one thing I can give that softens my heart in a godly way -- I pray for God's mercy and salvation for those guys.

Jesus did die for some murderers. We know one from the Bible. His name was Saul, and he was an accomplice in the death of Stephen before God came to him and turned him into Paul. He died for rapists. He died for muggers. He died for me. He died for you. Once you begin to see you are no better than that murderer or that rapist, God does something. He softens our heart to see what he forgave in you.

Want to see how far God is willing to go for his people? Read the book of Hosea and realize we are Gomer! His church is the hooker/wife! We are his church.

So, yeah, with great difficulty all the way around!
 
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Mimi84

Member
#26
Jun 16, 2016
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#26
Feel for you's who have been through abuse, neglect and rape. When I think about I get that dirty horrible depressed feeling.. I don't want to think about it.. I'm praying about this all and hope I get peace soon. Thanks for spending time replying to me, I have read every reply and some I don't get and some I do but feeling very blessed to have you's all for advice. S x
 
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Mimi84

Member
#27
Jun 16, 2016
74
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#27
Strangely enough today the pastors wife asked me to give my testimony at the ladies meeting next month, I'm not ready for that with this hanging over me
 
88

88

Senior Member
#28
Nov 14, 2016
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#28
Mimi84 said:
Strangely enough today the pastors wife asked me to give my testimony at the ladies meeting next month, I'm not ready for that with this hanging over me
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*****Ask the Lord if you're ready-----sometimes our feelings are deceiving...
 
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healingsoul

Guest
#30
#30
If you forgive you don’t need to feel like a hypocrite. We are all growing and maturing. No one has arrived at perfection. You can only forgive today the best you know how, and once you do this you can speak about your experience. Why would you feel like a hypocrite? Just be honest about where you are in the process.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#31
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
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#31
Depleted said:
He asks us to love our enemy. How can you do that without forgiving the enemy?
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In my view, loving your enemy does not mean that your automatically required to forgive them. Forgiving someone who is not repentant is tantamount to endorsing their wrong doing. In one sense, over-looking a persons bad deeds when they have expressed no desire to cease, is indirectly putting a stamp of approval on their future evil intent. Forgiveness should not becomes an enabling ingredient that promotes sinful behavior, e.g; I forgive you for hurting me, now feel free to hurt someone else. Forgiving an unrepentant person is not a demonstration of love, its an endorsement of evil.
 
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Depleted

Guest
#32
#32
Mimi84 said:
Strangely enough today the pastors wife asked me to give my testimony at the ladies meeting next month, I'm not ready for that with this hanging over me
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Why? You don't feel pretty?

How about being real? Testimonies are just as much about failure as they are success. It is equally as encouraging to know you're not the only sinner and yet God loves us anyway.

(Kind of why I have no problems being honest anywhere I go. I know I'm a wreck. I also know I'm not the only wreck. lol)
 
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Depleted

Guest
#33
#33
Mimi84 said:
I would feel like a hypocrite
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Then don't be one! What would you give to hear someone say, "I forgive, then I take it back. Then I forgive. Then I take it back. It is so very hard to forgive and keep forgiving. I still find myself failing."

An amazing thing happens. Christians around you go from "Ain't I pretty" to "Yeah, me too! How do we deal with this?"

and then this marvelous thing happens. Ideas exchanged. Edification. Encouragement. Everything we're supposed to be shows up. And do you know why? Because we just opened the door to God letting us be real, so we can hear what he has to say.

That's testimony!
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#34
#34
Dan58 said:
In my view, loving your enemy does not mean that your automatically required to forgive them. Forgiving someone who is not repentant is tantamount to endorsing their wrong doing. In one sense, over-looking a persons bad deeds when they have expressed no desire to cease, is indirectly putting a stamp of approval on their future evil intent. Forgiveness should not becomes an enabling ingredient that promotes sinful behavior, e.g; I forgive you for hurting me, now feel free to hurt someone else. Forgiving an unrepentant person is not a demonstration of love, its an endorsement of evil.
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I disagree. (Duh now, huh?)

"No, that is not okay" ought to tell the person it's not okay. "You're doing it again," reinforces the "it's not okay." But God does not say, "Forgive unless the person doesn't repent." He says, "forgive." He goes as far as to give a number, "7 X 70 a day." I don't know about you, but if someone does the same thing to me 7 X 70 in one single day, I'm very much clued into that person has not repented.

He didn't say, "And if it happens again the next day, stop forgiving the person." (I know. I looked for the fine print. None in there.)

Can't love without forgiving, and God's never been one to tell the other person what to do. He tells US what WE are supposed to do.

He's kind of annoying that way, until we realize, sometimes over the course of years, that something did change. US!

My dad is an alcoholic with OCD. Do you think that doesn't leave his treadmarks all over me? It really does. And it is very hard, but because I forgave him so often, what he does just doesn't fester in me like it used to. (Well, what he's done when he had a mind. He's now in a care facility for alcoholic dementia patients, so what he does now isn't quite him doing it anymore. Heis mind is mostly gone. BUT, man! His go-to characteristics is all that remains. :rolleyes:)

7 X 70. Had I not done that, I would have walked decades ago. Had I walked, I wouldn't be able to see him like God sees him through me. A love. A sadness. A "what does he do that for anyway? It hurts himself the most." A whole bunch of things I see with my dad, but the greatest is love.

7 X 70. not 7 X 70 if they repent! Definitely defeats that whole concept of 7 X 70. lol
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#35
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
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#35
for me, once I was brought to the realization of just who I had been in the 'world'
and how much I dis-honored my Saviour, and then truly understanding what He
sacrificed for me, then, 'forgiving-others', became a special gift...
 
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Dai3234

Senior Member
#36
Sep 6, 2016
524
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#36
The understanding that I have received about people cannot be trusted in any way, except trusting that they will be human and flawed because of sin, causes me to forgive all because I cannot blame them. Because it affects us all. I like it when people don't disappoint, I don't like it when people disappoint. That doesn't mean I blame them. It just means I'm not happy about the situation. Then I move on not blaming them, forgetting the situation because I'm in a new situation. If I keep doing that, I don't think badly all the time.
 
EarnestQ

EarnestQ

Senior Member
#37
Apr 28, 2016
2,588
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#37
I once had an employer at whom I would get angry every time I thought about her.

Then I started praying for her every time I thought about her. It wasn't very long before all that anger went away.

Praying for the person is the best way I know of to deal with negative emotions about a person.

Try it for a week and see if it makes a difference.

Who knows, God may give you an opportunity to witness to the person. You will want your heart to be right before God about the person. And, perhaps, God might even answer your prayers for the person.
 
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