Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

CLee622 · Mar 2, 2017

Thank you angelheart! When I hurt, and things get dark, all I have to do is think of Christ. To be treated badly...I am honored to have a taste of what He went through. To be hated...honored to know how it felt. And if He wills this WILL pass. I'm so thankful for encouragement and prayers and won't stop saying that here

littlestarsmum · Mar 2, 2017

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, girl. My heart ached as I read your posts, and I wish I could give you a hug. I so appreciate your willingness to share openly here. I know how painful and confusing it must be for you. It’s not okay to go through abuse. I’d suggest that you speak to a caring Christian professional counselor who would be in an excellent position to offer support and help you in your situation. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort and peace. I know it’s not easy right now, but stay strong. Sending hugs & prayers your way!

CLee622 · Mar 3, 2017

Honestly I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the love I'm finding here. The Lord strengthens me...but to read these kind words from other souls...blesses me. Thank you!

azlightsout · Mar 4, 2017

GIVE THE GLORY TO GOD _--

Trailblazer · Mar 4, 2017

CLee622 said:

I have gotten convictions when I find myself using the word I. For that is leaving God out of the equation.
Just remember!... You are not alone. You have the Holy Spirit within you. He is the Comforter, The Mighty Counselor.

Ask the Holy Spirit to come into your life daily. Ask God to guide you in which way to go and give direction in your life.
Ask God that you have an ear to hear his voice know matter how small of a whisper his voice may be at times. Ask God that you will do as he ask every time you hear him all through out your life.

I also ask God the father for these Blessings for you. I ask them in Jesus name. AMEN!

Trailblazer · Mar 5, 2017

CLee622 said:

Apology Via text? Next time he wants his cloths washed and a meal cooked for him. Why not send him a text saying! Enjoy with a couple of pics included. That should seem real warm, fuzzy, and sincere

Ive listened to a lot of talk radio through out the years. Christian counselors, Worldly counselors?, etc, Giving you a little more insight for decision making. I had heard in the programs. Repeated apologies from the abusers, with often the abuse getting worse. The victim of the abuser often saying!.. He is not like that all of the time. He did not hurt me that bad. He has done worse. Often times the woman ending up in the hospital or worse. That is all sad.

Where the counselors seem to get angry?.. Thinking of the children. Kids see this abuse growing up. This is then what the kids perceive to be as a normal relationship. Often times the kids grow up getting into abusive relationships themselves. then repeating the pattern

popeye · Mar 5, 2017

personally I hope you can get away from him.

Just my 2 cents.

Being trapped,used and stalked is,frankly,demonic.

Hungry · Mar 5, 2017

CLee622, sometimes there are no right answers. You have to choose the best of the worst. You pointed out Sara being obedient to Abram. Abram was a godly man following instruction from the Lord. She also didn't have a baby to think about at the time. They came from a civilization where there was all sorts of debauchery and children were sacrificed to their gods. Not exactly a parallel situation. You don't need to wait for God's approval to leave this situation. There are no laws for the believer. As long as you remain sexually faithful, you are not sinning. I want you to think of a very real possibility. He may kill you, and/or your child, or damage beyond repair. The more he gives his heart to pornography and violence, the more it will demand. Sin when unrepentant becomes habit and habits escalate. When a little alcohol becomes the norm, then you need more to satisfy that vice. Porn, same, violence, same. The unfortunate truth is that most people need an epiphany for change. Could that epiphany be you leaving, or might that epiphany be the death of your child. His heart is destructive. Will your guilt be temporarily leaving an abusive situation, or raising your daughter in an abusive environment, shattering her ability to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like? You don't have an easy decision, but by staying you are making a decision to remain in harms way. If you saw a car going towards your child on the street, would you stand on the sidewalk praying for God to intervene, or run out and grab her? Open your eyes, you are both on the street in traffic. It's not if you will be hurt, that is already happening. The question is how long you will remain on that street and how bad the damage will be by the time you walk off, or get carried off.

I didn't read all of your posts to know whether your husband was in the military. I assume he might have been. There is a certain amount of brainwashing that has to take place in order to fire on command. Act without emotion in stressful situations. Only God can reprogram him and he has not made that commitment. Many people are waiting for God to change their lives for the better. I can barely think of a few times where God physically interacted on behalf of man. All of the other times it has been man strengthened by God. He works through us, through you. He provides the fortitude, you provide the hands. Christianity is action, based on prayer. Make sure your decision to stay isn't based on fear of leaving, because there is more to fear in staying. Yeah, it sucks! Sorry. Leaving is hard, but it wont be as hard as having to tell your child that if she would have picked up her toys, Daddy wouldn't have broken your arm. That's not what husbands and fathers do. Him hurting you, his fault. You having the power to leave, but staying, your fault. I'm not trying to add guilt, just prevent the guilt that is a very probable outcome.

proverbs35 · Mar 12, 2017

CLee622 said:

The Bible tells us that,
"ALL Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,"(2 Tim 3:16). Therefore, we aren't limited or restricted to what Paul and Peter taught about marriage. We have the entire counsel of God (whole Bible) to consider and and glean from.

With that in mind, the WISDOM of Proverbs teaches:

A quick-tempered man acts foolishly (Pro 14:17A). Stay away from a fool, for you will not find knowledge on their lips (Pro 14:7).

Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself. Pr 22:24-25 NASB

Drive out a mocker, and conflict will leave. Quarreling and abuse will stop. Pr 22:10 GW

In Pr 22:10 some translations say Drive out, cast out, remove, throw out and get rid of. The OT was originally written in Hebrew. The Hebrew word for drive out, cast out, remove, throw out, and get rid of is Garesh (Strong’s 1644). One of the synonyms listed for Garesh is “divorce.”

Proverbs 22:10 Lexicon: Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, Even strife and dishonor will cease.

Strong's Hebrew: 1644. גָּרַשׁ (garash) -- to drive out, cast out

It's the same word used in Ez 44:22 for divorced and/or put away.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I wanted to raise your awareness about what the WISDOM of Proverbs has to say about dealing and coping with an angry, abusive person. I would suggest that you study these verses too and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you.

Suggested reading:

What Scripture Supports Separation from a Destructive Spouse? - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

Black and Blue Wife | Today's Christian Woman

For abused wives - Practical Theology for Women

blue_ladybug · Mar 12, 2017

Yeah, his apology via a text is rather tacky, he SHOULD apologize to you in person. That being said, he is no shape whatsoever to be the head of anything. He's mentally incapable of making the smallest decisions. He can't even do his own laundry or make himself a sandwich, for goodness' sake!! I know he has PTSD, but that's no excuse. YOU need to be the one to make the decisions here..

proverbs35 · Mar 12, 2017

CLee622 said:

Sarah bore Abraham's buderns and prefered his need (preservation of his life) before her own virtue. Therefore, her example is an important one, but it's not the only one presented in scripture about submission to authority. We, unlike Sarah, have a progressive revelation of God's word. God did not unfold His entire plan to humanity in the Book of Genesis or in the entire Old Testament. God revealed various aspects of His will and overall plan for humanity over different periods of time from Genesis to Revelations. Paul said, "ALL SCRIPTURE is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (2 Tim 3:16-17).

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3 :1, Tit 2:5.

Abigail disobeyed her evil husband's foolish instructions. Abigail went behind Nabal's back, and against his wishes she sent David and his men bread, water and meat. Because Abigail's actions and wise words, David decided not to kill Nabal and the men in his house. The Bible states that Abigail was intelligent with good understanding, while her husband was an evil fool (1 Samuel 25:1-42).

According to a law established by the king, Esther's husband, no man or woman was suppose to approach the king in the inner court without being summoned. The penalty for approaching the king in the inner court without being summoned was death, unless the king decided to grant the person mercy (Es4:11). Esther disobeyed that particular law. She risked her life by approaching the king in the inner court without being summoned in order to intercede for her people (Es 5:1). Long story short, Esther found favor with the king and was able to help save the Jews from annihilation.

The Bible teaches that wives should submit to their own husbands. However, the Bible also teaches the value of civil disobedience when and/if someone in authority commands evil, and requires those under their authority to act in a manner that is contrary to the CLEAR teachings and requirements of God’s Word. Husbands are not exempt. Husbands have absolutely no authority or right to command/demand their wives to commit what the Bible CLEARLY defines as sin and evil.

Sapphira is an important example for wives. Her's is a cautionary tale. She teaches wives what not to do. Ananias and Sapphira sold some property together. HE (Ananias) kept back part of the money for HIMSELF (Ananias). Sapphira knew about her husband's misdeed, and she (according to Eph 5:11) had a duty to expose that fruitless deed of darkness rather than conspire with him to lie about it.

In Eph 5:11, before Paul ever addressed a wife's duty to submit to her husband, he addressed a Christian's duty to "have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them." In Eph chapter 5, Paul never ever stated that wives are exempt, excused or relieved of their Christian duty to "have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Sapphira was not exempt, excused or relieved from her Christian duty to "have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.Too bad for her, she had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Suggested reading:
https://www.gotquestions.org/civil-disobedience.html

When Not to Submit to Your Husband

proverbs35 · Mar 12, 2017

proverbs35 said:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Eph 5:22

The Bible commands wives to submit to their husbands. That's why abused wives are in an especially vulnerable, unsafe and dangerous position. The WISDOM of Proverbs also warns us that, "violent people MISLEAD their companions, leading them down a harmful path" (Pr16:29).

That's why it's important for abused wives to be aware of what the WISDOM of Proverbs says about dealing and coping with an angry, abusive person.
Abused wives should also have a clear understanding of what submission is and ISN'T.

ROSSELLA · Mar 14, 2017

CLee22,
You've been in my prayers. Ultimately, whether or stay or leave will be your choice. But I did want to point out that when Saul attacked and tried to kill David, David fled, even though it meant leaving his wife, Michal. God never rebuked him for this act. Indeed, David even became King. God commands us to pray for and be subject to authority figures. Yet it was clearly God's will that David flee in this situation, even though surely Saul wouldn't have wished David to flee. David continued to honor Saul, but he recognized that he needed to do so from a distance, even if it meant separating from his wife. Safety took precedence.

Likewise, God blessed the midwives who a) lied to and b) disobeyed Pharaoh by preserving the lives of the Israelite infants, despite that Pharaoh had authority over them. And Rahab was never chastised for lying to preserve the lives of the Israelite spies.

When Jesus was accused of violating the law of 'harvesting on the Sabbath,' He didn't point out that they were only picking a few grains and technically that wasn't harvesting. Instead, He held up an even grosser example of what could be considered a violation of the law, David eating food that was meant only for priests, and condone working if it meant doing good on the Sabbath.
Over and over again the Scriptures demonstrate that sometimes God's will goes above the letter of the law and that protecting and preserving human safety and life is valued above marking off check boxes to follow the law. Likewise, you and your child are in danger. Likewise, I don't believe fleeing to safety while still loving and respecting your husband and holding the possibility of reconciliation would violate God's rule. What is right to protect life or allow it to be harmed or taken?

CLee622 · Mar 14, 2017

I just wanted to say I love you all. And I believe I've been able to follow all your guidance with emotional/physical/verbal separation and prayer.

Anxiety and post traumatic stress don't just go away...they can be understood, and learned to be coped with... (without instant healing from God) which is, many times, not His will. Perhaps more often than healing is in His will.

Bless you all. Things are strange here, but not dangerous. And there has been no yelling or fights since I posted this. Only moments of frustration or "getting my feelings hurt"... which I give over to prayer. I really hope one day I'm able to help others in similar situations in my community. Once I've "been through" and know enough

and am older, and wiser, and more graceful.

CLee622 · Mar 14, 2017

blue_ladybug said:

It is really about the location of the kitchen/laundry room for him. Someone with post traumatic stress/anxiety/tachycardia... could do better in a house alone...but my aunt adds a whole new dimension to our world...I've tried to make her understand but it's close to impossible...she bombards you with her own thoughts, questions, has TV with worldly things blaring, and if she happens to not say anything (never happens with my husband, but with me) she stares...and watches.. I had anxiety issues when He and I met but they've gotten better since I've been forced to be such a pivitol person in these people's lives...so during this time I have learned... if I make sure there are sandwich fixings and cereal/milk on the porch - he's taken care of himself. And I have no issue leaving leftovers out there either. And he's stayed up all night to do laundry for himself (and me) which he's done before..but, his hearing is exemplary, having lived outdoors almost a decade, there are barking dogs in neighborhood, and I hate(d) when I add(ed) to the reasons he doesn't get sleep. He was also paralyzed for almost a year in his 20s... so he has back/digestion issues no one but me can understand. Sleep and food affect this condition. Trust me I read and consider every word you all type. But he is still my husband and...is the reason I began reading the Bible and educated me so well in the history of the scriptures and our Lord. Since things got rocky, the Lord has not missed a step in teaching me further (since I know, it was Him, using my husband, and He still uses my husband, but in different ways than handsome teacher now, haha, in ways that humble me and make me examine myself and my faith to the core ... and that make me call upon God more than I ever would have if we had been given a sweet little American marriage)

tis all

His · Mar 15, 2017

CLee622 said:

It is really about the location of the kitchen/laundry room for him. Someone with post traumatic stress/anxiety/tachycardia... could do better in a house alone...but my aunt adds a whole new dimension to our world...I've tried to make her understand but it's close to impossible...she bombards you with her own thoughts, questions, has TV with worldly things blaring, and if she happens to not say anything (never happens with my husband, but with me) she stares...and watches.. I had anxiety issues when He and I met but they've gotten better since I've been forced to be such a pivitol person in these people's lives...so during this time I have learned... if I make sure there are sandwich fixings and cereal/milk on the porch - he's taken care of himself. And I have no issue leaving leftovers out there either. And he's stayed up all night to do laundry for himself (and me) which he's done before..but, his hearing is exemplary, having lived outdoors almost a decade, there are barking dogs in neighborhood, and I hate(d) when I add(ed) to the reasons he doesn't get sleep. He was also paralyzed for almost a year in his 20s... so he has back/digestion issues no one but me can understand. Sleep and food affect this condition. Trust me I read and consider every word you all type. But he is still my husband and...is the reason I began reading the Bible and educated me so well in the history of the scriptures and our Lord. Since things got rocky, the Lord has not missed a step in teaching me further (since I know, it was Him, using my husband, and He still uses my husband, but in different ways than handsome teacher now, haha, in ways that humble me and make me examine myself and my faith to the core ... and that make me call upon God more than I ever would have if we had been given a sweet little American marriage)

tis all

I've been following your thread from the beginning and praying for you. So happy to see you post as I was becoming concerned. Do I sound like a mom?
Can't help it that's what I am.

It looks to me like there are a lot of people on here who care about you. God bless you and yours.

CLee622 · Mar 16, 2017

Awe! Thanks. I considered removing the thread. Because even if things go ok - they still always take a turn - so though there were days this past week we interacted (because we want to be together with our daughter at the same time) he turns on me still - basically he "doesn't like me" at this point and the last note he left off on was we won't get along - he's not going to "put up with my ****" ..... sooooo there were some tears, first in a good while, prayer, and now I'll be up tonight putting the tons of clothes away he washed. Getting ready for a busy day tomorrow helping a friend prep for yard sale and taking aunt to MD appointment.... God comforted me tonight and basically removed that "need" I "felt" to be "wanted" by my husband and - told me I have things to take care of. That HE will deal with my husband. Love ❤️

CLee622 · Mar 16, 2017

I am probably staying with my yard sale friend this weekend to help her, and then may see about staying with another friend for some serious separation time once I've accomplished some things around the house first. One day at a time ...

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

88 · Mar 16, 2017

CLee622 said:

**** ( praying)---keep going forward one day at a time--- God will direct you---- it is good your staying busy...

CLee622 · Mar 24, 2017

Well update guys. After the weekend spent with my best friend - I opened up to her in that time about the reality of the situation. She gave me courage and wisdom and strength - that I should draw a line. Give ultimatum for when I would end it if he didn't get help. I did. At first he resisted, said I was one who needed help, then by the next day or so he was emailing/texting nicer things. Asked 2 things I wanted to see change. This frustrated me - as I clearly said "get help" and show initiative in marriage. Currently it is like he thinks his cordial behavior is enough to get by on. But too many times I've seen him be cordial, sometimes loving, only to turn on me in a moment - his moments affect me and out daughter for a lifetime.

So. I'm currently awaiting to see what kinds of choices he makes over the next month.

You guys' advice and concern gave me ability to talk to my friend. Sometimes it's hardest to talk to those closest to us. She said I was giving him too much slack because of his past, that there was no excuse for his behavior.

Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

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