My family is split apart

[GinnyF]

Hello everyone.

I hope this is the right place to post this, but I am looking for some advice about my family.


I am a mother of six, which used to give me great gratification. When they were younger my kids were my joy, but as they grew some of my children became very wayward. For their sake and yours, I’ll use their middle names here.

My oldest son (James) and oldest daughter (Jane) are model children, perfect christians, and married with children. My youngest daughter (Abigail) seems to be following in their footsteps and is a model student at her school, where she is about to graduate.


My middle daughter (Lynn) had to be sent to boarding school, as her behavior became out of control. After she graduated, she moved away, and has not had much contact with us.

My middle son (Jonathan) told us he was gay several years ago, and moved away.

My youngest boy (Ross) was very disrespectful to his father, and left home as soon as he graduated high school, moving to live with Jonathan.

As hard as my husband and I tried, through both prayer and discipline, half of our children are gone. My husband is still very bitter about this. He never got along with Lynn or Ross in their teenage years but them leaving still frustrates him. Jonathan’s homosexual life upsets my husband and I very much as well.

A few months ago was my youngest daughter’s eighteenth birthday, and she told me that her brother Ross had texted her a happy birthday message. I asked her for Ross’s phone number and called him on a whim. It was the first time we had talked in five years. Ross updated me on many things in his life, as well as telling me a bit about Lynn and Jonathan that he could.

When I told my husband that Ross had texted Abigail, he was not very happy. He told both her and I not to talk with Ross, or the “other two”. I didn’t tell him i had talked to Ross.

But Ross and I have kept talking for the last few months. And just a week ago he told me that his girlfriend was pregnant.

And now I’m not sure what I should do. I already disobeyed his request, and I hid the phone calls from him. I am worried considering any mention of Ross, Lynn, and Jonathan makes my husband very unhappy. Should I tell my husband he will have another grandchild soon?


If anyone has any advice (and prayers) please share it with me.

Ginny

 

[Angela53510]

You "disobeyed??" Really??

Show me the Bible verse that says "Women, obey your husbands!" Instead, the Bible talks of submission, which is voluntary. Your husband should NEVER have told you that you should not talk to your son. How hard hearted! Did he think you might be seduced by your son's non-Christian lifestyle? Perhaps reaching out to him, will be the best way to reach him for Christ. So sad you didn't talk to him for 5 years. That is just heartbreaking.

Stand up to your husband. Tell him Ross is your son, your baby, and you want to reconnect with him and love him. Hopefully you have been praying for your son since he left, and this is a sign of those prayers being answered. It is chillingly cold to me that anyone would cut off contact with their children, no matter what they have done. God's love is what needs to be communicated to wayward children, not legalism and that rules are more important than relationships.

Your youngest daughter also should be talking to him. If she is following God, why would she have to be afraid of her brother? Even the gay one. Love them all! Not just the ones who have "earned" it, by being good. Our salvation is not based on how good we are, but rather on how good and perfect Jesus is, dying in our place for our sin. Why would the unconditional love of a mother demand the children follow the parent's path, to love and communicate with them? That is so far from unscriptural, it is ridiculous. Bravo for the three children who are following the Lord. But who needs you more, the saved ones, or the unsaved?

You may have issues with your husband over this advice. But, I think looking out for your children, because they are not saved, is more important than submitting to a husband who doesn't understand God's love.

And unless you are both perfect, remember "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

 

[GinnyF]

I may have used the wrong words.

I don't feel like I have to obey every word my husband says but I do feel bad having lied to my husband for the last few months. I don't him feeling that I am untrustworthy or that I would go behind his back.

I know deep down my husband feels like he failed with Ross and Lynn and that troubles him everyday.

 

[Angela53510]

I may have used the wrong words.

I don't feel like I have to obey every word my husband says but I do feel bad having lied to my husband for the last few months. I don't him feeling that I am untrustworthy or that I would go behind his back.

I know deep down my husband feels like he failed with Ross and Lynn and that troubles him everyday.

But the point is, unless they are dead, it is not over! The two of you are shunning them, like they are dead! Redeem the time while they are alive. You should never have been forced into a position of promising that you would not contact them. I really can't believe he would have asked you to do that, in the first place.

You could easily say, "I made a very poor decision in agreeing with you not to contact our wayward (insert name) children. I love them, and I want to be able to share the love of God, and my love with them. I've been hurting so badly since we cut off contact. When the opportunity arose to contact them (Ross, etc!) I jumped at the chance, without even thinking of what I promised you. Because my children are more important that a very wrong decision I made! I'm just rejoicing that I can talk to them again."

And leave it at that!

Besides the fact, that in the end, we are all responsible for our own walk with God, as adults. You obviously did the right things, since 3 of your children are serving God. Regardless of everything else, the ones who walked away from God, made their own decision to do this. No one is "responsible" for how another adult choses to relate to God. That is a false burden and a false guilt. And you know where that sort of stuff comes from.

Come clean! The door has opened! Your husband can reconnect with them also! What an opportunity to bring your family back together. No more shunning, just loving and accepting them. Show them how God has changed you, and those seeds you planted of serving God may sprout and grow into large trees before you know it!

 

[GinnyF]

While I never felt like I was trying to shun my children, I can see how they could feel shunned.

I will certainly try to reconnect with Ross, and hopefully with Lynn and Jonathan as well. I hope I can bring my husband around as well.

 

[kaylagrl]

While I never felt like I was trying to shun my children, I can see how they could feel shunned.

I will certainly try to reconnect with Ross, and hopefully with Lynn and Jonathan as well. I hope I can bring my husband around as well.

You both did your best to raise your children right.Your husband has to understand two things 1) when they came of age what they do is their choice and no reflection on either of you 2)the Bible promises the Word is not void,sometimes we have to go down the dark path and fall in the thorns before we see the light and I'll add a third 3) God is not done,look at the prodigal son
I've had family come to the Lord just before they died.God is an on time God. Encourage your self and your husband,hold on and have faith.

My mother prayed for her brother from the time she was a young girl. Several years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. When he was near death my mother called him.She was unable to get a flight out to see him one last time. He had hardened his heart and she couldn't be there in person to witness to him one last time. But he had a friend that was a Christian and unbeknownst to my mother that friend had led him to the Lord. My mother said "I dont know if I'll see you on this earth again but I hope to see you in heaven." And he said "you will,its all right now". I have tears while I write this. You don't know who God may put in your childrens path.So start praying accordingly and believing God keeps his promises. Blessings sister.

 

[88]

Hello everyone.

I hope this is the right place to post this, but I am looking for some advice about my family.


I am a mother of six, which used to give me great gratification. When they were younger my kids were my joy, but as they grew some of my children became very wayward. For their sake and yours, I’ll use their middle names here.

My oldest son (James) and oldest daughter (Jane) are model children, perfect christians, and married with children. My youngest daughter (Abigail) seems to be following in their footsteps and is a model student at her school, where she is about to graduate.


My middle daughter (Lynn) had to be sent to boarding school, as her behavior became out of control. After she graduated, she moved away, and has not had much contact with us.

My middle son (Jonathan) told us he was gay several years ago, and moved away.

My youngest boy (Ross) was very disrespectful to his father, and left home as soon as he graduated high school, moving to live with Jonathan.

As hard as my husband and I tried, through both prayer and discipline, half of our children are gone. My husband is still very bitter about this. He never got along with Lynn or Ross in their teenage years but them leaving still frustrates him. Jonathan’s homosexual life upsets my husband and I very much as well.

A few months ago was my youngest daughter’s eighteenth birthday, and she told me that her brother Ross had texted her a happy birthday message. I asked her for Ross’s phone number and called him on a whim. It was the first time we had talked in five years. Ross updated me on many things in his life, as well as telling me a bit about Lynn and Jonathan that he could.

When I told my husband that Ross had texted Abigail, he was not very happy. He told both her and I not to talk with Ross, or the “other two”. I didn’t tell him i had talked to Ross.

But Ross and I have kept talking for the last few months. And just a week ago he told me that his girlfriend was pregnant.

And now I’m not sure what I should do. I already disobeyed his request, and I hid the phone calls from him. I am worried considering any mention of Ross, Lynn, and Jonathan makes my husband very unhappy. Should I tell my husband he will have another grandchild soon?


If anyone has any advice (and prayers) please share it with me.

Ginny

****(praying)----continue to pray for your kids to return to God's plan for their lives----kids break away sometimes; and God knows how to bring them back---I always have had a hard time with people not communicating with their children because of one reason or another---being loving and open toward the wayward is not compromise, but expressing God's love (He loved us when we were sinners)---your husband is going to find out the truth eventually somehow---I would confess what you did and tell him what is coming---I pray he will reach out to your estranged kids and love will prevail...

 

[Dan58]

Should I tell my husband he will have another grandchild soon?

Absolutely.... The truth shall set thee free ... I'd just tell him that you heard from Ross, he doesn't need to approve of it, but its unreasonable for him to expect a mother never to speak to her own children...jmo

 

[Miri]

I'm not surprised three of your children left if they felt their father disapproved
of them. Would you want to hang around if you were them. Parents have a
massive impact on the emotional well being of their children. We get loads of
parents on here saying my children have gone astray. Equally loads of young
people saying my parents hate me.

I thought it was interesting too that you talked of having three model children.
Could it be that the divisions have in part, being widened by yourselves as parents.
I wondered what the definition of model child was.

It must have been difficult bringing up 6 children and I'm sure you did your best,
but people have free will, parents cannot expect their children to do exactly what they
tell them all of their lives. They have to let them make their own mistakes, be who they
want to be, even if they make a mess. It's how we learn and grow.

The key though is love, you can still love someone even if they do not follow the
"model" life style. The story of the prodigal son came to mind while reading your
story. Maybe its time for reconciliation. Maybe you need to show your husband this
parable and tell him it's time to forgive and show some love. Even if he can't bring
himself to do that, he has no right to deny you a relationship with your children.

People who struggle to relate to their earthly father, often
struggle to relate to their Heavenly Father. Satan loves broken families!
You cant expect your three children to reach out to you and God unless you are waiting
for them with open arms.

Hearts and minds need healing and softening in your family on all sides. Maybe you
are the catalyst for this and will lead the way.

 

[TemporaryCircumstances]

All I could think while reading that is.... your poor children.... I don't even want to know how rejected and hated they feel....

You know what example of Christianity they've gotten?
If they sin once the people in the Christian community reject them....

I'm not saying your bad parents, but you have to see this from their view. If you did something wrong as a child and your parents either sent you away or you left and they refused to talk to you how would you feel? Certainly not like they love you...

I bet the "model children" have all the love they can desire from you both....


Please please step in your children's shoes....

 

[kstout6]

You "disobeyed??" Really??

Show me the Bible verse that says "Women, obey your husbands!" Instead, the Bible talks of submission, which is voluntary. Your husband should NEVER have told you that you should not talk to your son. How hard hearted! Did he think you might be seduced by your son's non-Christian lifestyle? Perhaps reaching out to him, will be the best way to reach him for Christ. So sad you didn't talk to him for 5 years. That is just heartbreaking.

Stand up to your husband. Tell him Ross is your son, your baby, and you want to reconnect with him and love him. Hopefully you have been praying for your son since he left, and this is a sign of those prayers being answered. It is chillingly cold to me that anyone would cut off contact with their children, no matter what they have done. God's love is what needs to be communicated to wayward children, not legalism and that rules are more important than relationships.

Your youngest daughter also should be talking to him. If she is following God, why would she have to be afraid of her brother? Even the gay one. Love them all! Not just the ones who have "earned" it, by being good. Our salvation is not based on how good we are, but rather on how good and perfect Jesus is, dying in our place for our sin. Why would the unconditional love of a mother demand the children follow the parent's path, to love and communicate with them? That is so far from unscriptural, it is ridiculous. Bravo for the three children who are following the Lord. But who needs you more, the saved ones, or the unsaved?

You may have issues with your husband over this advice. But, I think looking out for your children, because they are not saved, is more important than submitting to a husband who doesn't understand God's love.

And unless you are both perfect, remember "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

Paul actually said those word. Women, obey your husbands. However, this is on the premise that husbands are loving their families.
I have a gay brother, and we are very religious. We accept our brother or son because of who he is, not about a life choice that he made. Yeah, it is wrong in God's eyes, but Jesus taught us to love one another as he loved us. He cared about the publican and the prostitute, so why not the gay son? Take my advice and take the beam out of your own eyes before casting judgment on your son. Instead, love him, hold him, tell him that you love him, and let him decide for himself what he wants to do. Whatever the outcome, always love him.

 

[oldethennew]

there is 'definitely much more than 'just dis-approval' going-on here in this
totally 'dis-functional-family'...

 

[Bhood27]

I haven't much guidance or advice for your situation but I will lift you and you're family up to the Lord in prayer!

 

[Dan_473]

Hello everyone.

I hope this is the right place to post this, but I am looking for some advice about my family.


I am a mother of six, which used to give me great gratification. When they were younger my kids were my joy, but as they grew some of my children became very wayward. For their sake and yours, I’ll use their middle names here.

My oldest son (James) and oldest daughter (Jane) are model children, perfect christians, and married with children. My youngest daughter (Abigail) seems to be following in their footsteps and is a model student at her school, where she is about to graduate.


My middle daughter (Lynn) had to be sent to boarding school, as her behavior became out of control. After she graduated, she moved away, and has not had much contact with us.

My middle son (Jonathan) told us he was gay several years ago, and moved away.

My youngest boy (Ross) was very disrespectful to his father, and left home as soon as he graduated high school, moving to live with Jonathan.

As hard as my husband and I tried, through both prayer and discipline, half of our children are gone. My husband is still very bitter about this. He never got along with Lynn or Ross in their teenage years but them leaving still frustrates him. Jonathan’s homosexual life upsets my husband and I very much as well.

A few months ago was my youngest daughter’s eighteenth birthday, and she told me that her brother Ross had texted her a happy birthday message. I asked her for Ross’s phone number and called him on a whim. It was the first time we had talked in five years. Ross updated me on many things in his life, as well as telling me a bit about Lynn and Jonathan that he could.

When I told my husband that Ross had texted Abigail, he was not very happy. He told both her and I not to talk with Ross, or the “other two”. I didn’t tell him i had talked to Ross.

But Ross and I have kept talking for the last few months. And just a week ago he told me that his girlfriend was pregnant.

And now I’m not sure what I should do. I already disobeyed his request, and I hid the phone calls from him. I am worried considering any mention of Ross, Lynn, and Jonathan makes my husband very unhappy. Should I tell my husband he will have another grandchild soon?


If anyone has any advice (and prayers) please share it with me.

Ginny

I'm related to a family of six children. The four older are known as the Good kids, two youngest as the Bad. The Good ones don't do wild sex or drugs, while the younger ones have a history of both.

but look more closely and you'll see that the Good ones are engaged with greed and envy.

whose sins are bigger? imo not really for a human like me to say.

I think your husband is being petty, imo not a trait of a mature Christian. Though again, not for a human like me to say who's good or bad.

 

[RickyZ]

While I hate to fall back on an idiom, the question that comes to my mind is "what would Jesus do?"

When one of God's children goes astray, does the Holy Spirit stop wooing them? No, He doesn't.

That I believe is the simple answer for your husband. You are not condoning their error ... just providing them with loving forgiveness to woo them back to you. Just like Jesus would do for one of His. Because they are, one of His, whether they confess that or not.

 

[Silverwings]

Oh my Ginny...........my heart goes out to you, I feel your pain. Our children can be our greatest blessings, but also the source of so much heartache. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping in touch with your children, as it is the parents responsibility to lead by example, and I think that your husband is wrong to forbid it. I believe if it were me, I would explain to him how important it is to you to maintain contact with the children, praying first before approaching the subject, even asking God to open the door for you to talk to him about this, and asking God to soften his heart.

Lord, please work in this situation to soften this mans heart toward his children, open doors for his wife to explain how she feels about this situation, move on the hearts of the children that are not in touch to soften their hearts, and cause them to want to be in contact with their family, at least their mother. Bring peace where there is none, reconciliation and harmony, in Jesus mighty name. Amen.

 

[Silverwings]

I truly understand how this all came about, my granddaughter and my nephew are both in homosexual relationships, and that breaks my heart, and my sisters also, but we continue to love them both, because love is of God, he loved us when we were yet sinners, and now we are serving him, so never ever give up on your children coming back to him, love them with all that is within you, and do not fail to communicate with them, tell your husband how you feel and stand in accordance with that. It might help you to read something that I just posted on here, it is titled " I really needed to read this message." and it is posted under miscellanous in the forums. It helped me, maybe it can help you too. God bless you and give you peace, courage and love .

 

[Smoke]

Aside from our Heavenly Father's love, I can only think of two people who unconditionally love me... They sacrificed much to ensure I had the tools to succeed in not just this life but in the life to come with our Father in Heaven. The more we sacrifice, the more we express our love... because love is a verb after all.

I can only imagine what my life would be like without the guidance and love of my earthly parents. If I was in perpetual unrepentant sin, I would probably dive even deeper into that lifestyle. If I was an ambitious person, I'd seek worldly accomplishments instead of accomplishments that keep an eternal perspective. The best way to help bring our children back to our Father is to love them... Not just when they please us, but even when they frustrate us.

I don't know your husband, but from what you have said, I get the impression he doesn't fully understand his duty as a husband and a father. Those callings are the two greatest he'll have on this earth... he doesn't get the luxury of retiring because his kids are adults.

 

[Lorettamarie]

Gosh this must be so hard for you its hard to speak into a situation that you are not a part of but, i just imagine if it was my kids (i have 3 little ones) i would imagine that i would teach them that my door is ALWAYS open to them no matter what, there is a reason why they are didtancing themselves it may be the anger and seeming disaproval of your hubby that they felt in their younger years, i know for myself if i feel like someone doesnt accept me or dissaproves of me i feel rejected and my instinct is to run from that person, i would say slow and steady with your babies and they may soften, trust in god first and foremost he always has our good in mind no matter the outcome and be gentle but frim with your husband, his anger and frustration is not helping this situation and he needs to heal his own wounds so he can have the relationship with his kids and accept them as they are and love on them as jesus loves and accepts us warts and all

 

[Monnieloves]

Hello. I applaud you and your husband for raising your children with Christian values--Great Parents. I was a wayward child. My parents did all the right things to create a path of success for my life. The scriptures that says 'bring up a child in the way they should go and they will not depart from it' became real for me. Eventually I found my way back to GOD and the plan he had for my life. It's never too late. My prayer for you is that GOD will restore and strengthen your family, and also guide you into love, peace, and forgiveness. I will also pray for satan to remove his hands from your family. That whatever negative seeds he's planting in your family will fall dead to the ground. I know Focus on the Family has counselors you can talk to free of charge (855-382-5433). I hope this helps.