Desperate for marriage advice

[Mrskate80]

Hello Everyone!
I'm just gonna get right into it. I am a christian, my husband IMO isn't. I got married at 18, my husband was 23. When my husband and I dated I began straying away from God & did so for several years. My husband smoked weed heavily, & at first I did too. But as the years passed I repented and, although defiantly not perfect, my relationship with Christ has grown stronger the more I seek him. My problem is that my husband & I have been struggling since the birth of my daughter 7 years ago. He continued to smoke weed on a daily basis. He grew up around it. He started doing it as an early teen. Honestly, I did not even think when we got married that this would be something that a responsible adult with children would continue to do. I never asked him to abruptly stop at first. I simply put my foot down & said not in this house. Then we had our daughter, & I asked him to stop. Long story short throughout the 7 years I have found it many times,usually hidden in his truck. He has lost jobs,maybe not for weed, but he would have to wait until he was clean to go try to get another job. Over and over again its the same thing. I find it, he promises to stop. Now he just lies to me. Lies about doing it, Lies about where he is. He will say I am going to do "A" which should take about an hour & will come home 3 hours later, & he has been at his buddies house doing it. LIES all the time to me about it. We have had another child, he is 4 months old. Last month, my husband was cleaning out my daughters club house, said he was going to ride down the road to take some stuff off. Came home 2 hours later & was high. He had went by his friends house. The week after that my 4 month old got put in hospital for strep. I could see that my husband had messaged one of his dope head friends while I was staying in the hospital with my son. I found a pipe in his backpack that was in my car after he had taken my daughter to school. After getting home from the hospital I confronted him about it, & told him this was it. If he didn't stop he would have to leave. I made him take a drug test, which he passed & was very happy about, b/c he thinks I should get over it since he doesn't do it every day. The weekend after that (easter weekend) we were planning on going to my families out of state. He was off Friday, I come home to nothing been done all day while I was at work & I had to pack for me, & my 2 kids. I wasn't happy, & we got into a huge fight. He ended up not going with us, & while I was gone he & his mother talked so bad about me. How I dont appreciate him & I am unthankful! He also hung out with his dope head friend & got high i am sure b/c thats what they do. I know all this because ( I know this is going to sound CRA CRA) I installed spyware on his phone. I know, I hate it, but when you have been lied to like I have you will do anything to find the truth!! Please dont judge that! Oh, and while I was pregnant there was porn use. I was terribly hurt, and angry. He said he would stop, & I just found where he was looking at some more last week. I have asked him to go to counciling with me and he doesn't want to do that. He just wants me to give him another chance & "trust him"! HA! my struggle is that I dont want to divorce on unbiblical grounds. I asked him to leave and he wont. I cant leave, my family lives out of state and I have a job that I have been at for 10 years & daughter is in school. Please I am open to any advice. I am just so tired, I am numb inside, I can't even hurt anymore.....

 

[tourist]

Seeing as you're the only one that is working and contributing to the marriage it may be worth considering a separation from your husband. He should go home to his mother and get his head on straight. It is obvious that you and the children are not his highest priority, smoking weed and watching porn is his current priorities.

Living there with you is only enabling him to maintain his slothful lifestyle. If after a period a time there is no positive change in him I would then consider divorce. You definitely have biblical grounds as he is unwilling to work to provide for his family, prefers to smoke weed with his friends and watch porn to being a good husband to you and his children.

My advice is to starting planning a life without the weight of his foolishness dragging you and the children down with him.

Welcome to CC.

 

[blue_ladybug]

First of all, very few here will even attempt to read your wall of text. Could you please use paragraphs next time?

Let's face it, hubby is a porn addict. You've asked him numerous times to stop and he hasn't. He lies to you about everything he does. He doesn't want to go to counseling, so that's not an option. Does he just view porn, or does he, umm, play with himself while he does it? If he does, he is lusting after those women, and according to the bible, that's the same as already having committed adultery. It's laughable that he wants you to give him another thousandth chance and to trust him. With everything he's done, your trust is probably shattered, and he doesn't deserve your trust anyway.. He needs professional help, and he needs God. And he doesn't seem to want either one. :/

 

[Mrskate80]

Thank you both for your reply.

I will try to do better with my paragraphs. I am at work, lol, so I was in a hurry to get all that in.

My husband does work,but the past few years he has gone through 2 jobs due to lay offs and has been at his current job for a year. It was the time between jobs where he had to make sure he could pass a drug test that made me so mad. It put us further behind financially.
He is a wonderful father. I hope I am not making excuses. I know that no one is perfect, and divorce/separation is hard on kids. And if we do seperate, what am I supposed to tell my daughter?

 

[Mrskate80]

He says that he does not play with himself while watching, but come on, who believes that?

Thank you so much for your response.

 

[blue_ladybug]

How old is your daughter? If she is fairly young, just tell her that mommy and daddy need a break from each other for awhile.. If she's older, tell her the truth. That certain things daddy is doing is making being married very difficult, and that daddy needs to go and get help.

This is only my opinion, but it's impossible for someone to lustfully view porn without pleasuring themselves.. lol

 

[jenniferand2]

Hello Everyone!
I'm just gonna get right into it. I am a christian, my husband IMO isn't. I got married at 18, my husband was 23. When my husband and I dated I began straying away from God & did so for several years. My husband smoked weed heavily, & at first I did too. But as the years passed I repented and, although defiantly not perfect, my relationship with Christ has grown stronger the more I seek him. My problem is that my husband & I have been struggling since the birth of my daughter 7 years ago. He continued to smoke weed on a daily basis. He grew up around it. He started doing it as an early teen. Honestly, I did not even think when we got married that this would be something that a responsible adult with children would continue to do. I never asked him to abruptly stop at first. I simply put my foot down & said not in this house. Then we had our daughter, & I asked him to stop. Long story short throughout the 7 years I have found it many times,usually hidden in his truck. He has lost jobs,maybe not for weed, but he would have to wait until he was clean to go try to get another job. Over and over again its the same thing. I find it, he promises to stop. Now he just lies to me. Lies about doing it, Lies about where he is. He will say I am going to do "A" which should take about an hour & will come home 3 hours later, & he has been at his buddies house doing it. LIES all the time to me about it. We have had another child, he is 4 months old. Last month, my husband was cleaning out my daughters club house, said he was going to ride down the road to take some stuff off. Came home 2 hours later & was high. He had went by his friends house. The week after that my 4 month old got put in hospital for strep. I could see that my husband had messaged one of his dope head friends while I was staying in the hospital with my son. I found a pipe in his backpack that was in my car after he had taken my daughter to school. After getting home from the hospital I confronted him about it, & told him this was it. If he didn't stop he would have to leave. I made him take a drug test, which he passed & was very happy about, b/c he thinks I should get over it since he doesn't do it every day. The weekend after that (easter weekend) we were planning on going to my families out of state. He was off Friday, I come home to nothing been done all day while I was at work & I had to pack for me, & my 2 kids. I wasn't happy, & we got into a huge fight. He ended up not going with us, & while I was gone he & his mother talked so bad about me. How I dont appreciate him & I am unthankful! He also hung out with his dope head friend & got high i am sure b/c thats what they do. I know all this because ( I know this is going to sound CRA CRA) I installed spyware on his phone. I know, I hate it, but when you have been lied to like I have you will do anything to find the truth!! Please dont judge that! Oh, and while I was pregnant there was porn use. I was terribly hurt, and angry. He said he would stop, & I just found where he was looking at some more last week. I have asked him to go to counciling with me and he doesn't want to do that. He just wants me to give him another chance & "trust him"! HA! my struggle is that I dont want to divorce on unbiblical grounds. I asked him to leave and he wont. I cant leave, my family lives out of state and I have a job that I have been at for 10 years & daughter is in school. Please I am open to any advice. I am just so tired, I am numb inside, I can't even hurt anymore.....

let me save you the trouble of dealing with this for over 20 years. I have the same husband as you at home now the only difference is he kept the same job for 20 years... and does not smoke weed but he is self centered spiteful sneaky and a lier. So to help you avoid the 20 plus years of misery that I have suffered I will flat out tell you he is not going to change. He needs to realize he has a problem and he will then need to go fix it with the help of a therapist. I mean a qualified therapist. I do not see this happening as it sounds like he is very self centered as well.
second you need to get rid of him because your showing your daughter that your husband is what she should aim for when she looks for a future husband. so unless you change this pattern all up and give your daughter a better role model and show her what a real good man looks like some one who is caring loving respectful etc.... she will end up with the same type of loser who is so self centered that he will never change as well. Divorce by bibical grounds or not you need to decide if this is what you want to keep dealing with day in and out for the rest of your life... trust me 20 years later I am kicking myself because now half my life is over and now I am ready to finally leave..

 

[Jimbone]

I want to start by saying I understand your husband because he sounds a lot like me. Here's the problem I see, you are wearing yourself out trying to change him. We just don't have that power, there is only one that can change him and that is God. I know this because He changed me. My wife didn't have too much problem with me lying either. I'm sure she didn't like me smoking, but knew I was going to do it regardless, and I would be honest anytime she asked me anything. So I see the lying as a problem, but at least he is lying because he wants you to be pleased. I mean lying is wrong period, and I am not defending it at all, but I feel it may be motivated by a will to make you happy, to make himself acceptable to you.

Another problem that makes this situation different from mine is the fact I didn't have to "run off" to do it. I don't think saying "I'll be gone an hour" only to stroll in high 4 hours later is very respectful at all of him, but I understand how the situation builds up to this kind of behavior.

My wife and I have been together 20 years now, from the time I was a drug dealing, drug doing, aimless, degenerate, punk, to a locked up punk. Then to a wanting to do the right thing and work and be regular, without that silly old school view of a "God" the weak minded needed to cope with the harsh "real world" view, to a "I saw my first son born and can no long claim I believe there is only matter and energy in the universe" kind of view. I even had to go through a "I like the IDEA of Jesus, but I have bills to pay", kind of view. I though Christianity was a good philosophy that is you tried you best to live by it's teachings, it would result in a decent life.

That was my view for about 5 years before I was truly God smacked. I lost the use of my right arm in a motorcycle accident at 31 and for 2 years after that went on a downward spiral and wanted nothing more than to die. I couldn't because I already had 2 sons I just couldn't leave like that, but I was D.O.N.E. DONE. I wasn't even sure I believed there was a God anymore, if I ever believed that anyway, the night I hit my knees. I wasn't talking to anyone, just more of declaring ultimate defeat in life to myself and the world. I just said "I can't take this anymore, I can't take this anymore, I can't take this anymore, world you win and I QUIT!!!!!!", in broken tears I might add. I was done and knew I could do nothing to fix it.

I woke up the next day all new. I had enough of doing things my way and through my hands up and broke, but our awesome Lord picked me back up and gave me a new life. I know this is a hard situation, and I hate to have to say there is no easy fix, but I can tell you that you can't nitpick or nag someone into perfection. I've tried the same method with my boys and it does not work. I have to show them by example, I have to fore fill my role as a father that God created me to fill. I can now see that without God I can never be the kind of man I was created to be, my marriage is better now than it ever even could have been before Jesus was Lord over it as it was designed to be.

All I can say is that if you love him and feel that he really loves you then the main objective has to be drawing closer to Christ. If you are at the end of your rope and just can't take it anymore, then it may be time to part ways, but if you do love him, he does love you, he does love his kids and want whats best for them, and you are willing to stay in it for the long-haul, then you are on the right track already trying to grow closer to Jesus. You are going to have to show the love of Jesus to your husband too, not just "be nice all the time no matter what" love, but the hard love of Jesus too when it's called for. I pray God gives you the wisdom, strength, and peace to do what He would have you do, and I pray the best for your family as well no matter which way it goes.

 

[jenniferand2]

Thank you both for your reply.

I will try to do better with my paragraphs. I am at work, lol, so I was in a hurry to get all that in.

My husband does work,but the past few years he has gone through 2 jobs due to lay offs and has been at his current job for a year. It was the time between jobs where he had to make sure he could pass a drug test that made me so mad. It put us further behind financially.
He is a wonderful father. I hope I am not making excuses. I know that no one is perfect, and divorce/separation is hard on kids. And if we do seperate, what am I supposed to tell my daughter?

you tell her that things did not work out with you guys but that should no way mpact how she should feel about her daddy. I am sure she much rather have you be moving on then living your life in a lie of a relationship that is in shambles.... She will respect you more in a long run if you go your own way and find yourself firstly then maybe find yourself a respectable man to marry in the future.. If you divorce you get her therapy and I meant this get her therapy to deal with the divorce.. Do not talk badly about her father. Her don't try to keep her from her father etc. let her make up her own mind about her father..
You however have the choice to make a better example out of what love should look like to your child.. I wish someone could have given me this advice 20 years ago... I wish someone cared to help me back out of what I had gotten myself in. MY mother did not care to help me no one did so I stayed in the relationship and now lost half my life to a guy that is horrible at times and will never change..
please please I am not joking when I say you need to get therapy for your children if you divorce even if you dont divorce it may be a good idea. Children should not have to worry about things like this and I can be pretty sure she will feel like it is her fault etc.. She will need a professional to talk to even if it is only for a few months.. But do not let it go thinking it will be okay that you got it under control. Because most people do that and guess what they don't have it under control and that is how kids get messed up.

 

[JosephsDreams]

Old to soon, smart to late.

 

[jenniferand2]

Old to soon, smart to late.

Ain't that the truth. I see it as a lesson learned. Maybe so I can try to help people not learn my lesson. Everything happens for a reason.

 

[HeraldtheNews]

I'm sorry for you in hearing about your anguished relationship. I had hope until you said he was into porn too.
This relationship is like a slow death, except that it is spiritual death and bondage. You are CLEARLY at the point where the only thing that will work is for you to leave the bondage-creating situation. This might shock him into repentance and choosing between you and his life-style, which will remain your lifestyle because you are in a co-habitation situation that sounds like it may not be a true marriage, and may never have been one. I don't want to shock you, but, it is like he is sleeping with the devil [porn] which is infidelity and grounds for religious divorce. The Bible says, "I will walk in FREEDOM, because I have obeyed your ways, O LORD." (Psalm 119:45). When you are "unequally yoked" to someone who is in fellowship with darkness, it's like being drawn into a collapsed sun in space where no light can escape, or "dark-matter" that Jesus warned about: "be sure that the light you think is in you is not actually darkness." (I'm sorry, I can't find the verse-- maybe someone could? and the one about the eye being the light of the soul, and an eye of darkness blocks the light, but, eyes that radiate the Light have light within--paraphrase)

Spiritual freedom ministries deal with these kind of issues, if you think you even have a foundation of love. My father always said to "give people the benefit of the doubt," which means don't write them off until they are given a chance to repent and turn to God, which will never happen in your case until you are separated.

Some churches consider that a true marriage only exists when there is a true foundation of love, which should also be Christian love. They will grant a divorce, if a true marriage was not there from the start, which would not be necessary in your case since he has cheated on your marriage bed, and you are pretty much now sleeping with the devil... hate to be direct. God's love, backed by faithfulness is what marries people, not a court. It sounds like you were never really married in the eyes of God, so you are free to get a divorce without even a trial separation.

I got into a similar situation, only worse-- I cluelessly thought that a court document would protect me from fornication when a lady pretty much demanded we sleep together, and blindly sailed into a hurricane, like that poor cargo ship a couple years ago, hoping for the best thinking, "well, we will fall in love, and everything will be fine." Well, the ship sank, sister, and yours is already taking on water--

Since he is being a clueless stoned dip* blinded by the devil, and taking you for granted, your only course of action is to leave "immediately," as the Gospel of Mark says. Now. tonight. After you read this. Even if only to a motel 6 for a week to start which is only maybe $350. Or with a co-worker-- anyone you trust.

It's like that song in the 70's-- he is "killing you softly with his song"--and dance-- bringing spiritual death into your temple and your house and to your children. You need to be like our former famous governor in Alaska said: "Be the momma bear" and protect your self and your children from someone who does not sound like a man of God, at least not yet.

Does that answer your question?

Even though I'm still recovering from a similar bondage-creating relationship, the message is still valid that I have been called to share, along with all true Christians: "The LORD is coming to judge the earth..."(Psalm 96/98)
(as per a prophetic dream of the Lord appearing in the sky just like the angels said: "Jesus will appear in the same way you have seen Him ascend into Heaven," and that time is surely near.)
"Liars and fornicators" will not inherit the Kingdom of God," Paul said, unless they repent.

Since you got me fired up, you get my "Top Gun" quote:

Your Christian friends "ARE NOT HERE TO SHINE SUNSHINE UP YOUR COMPUTER"
you know what needs to be done--

You are not married. leave the rat until he decides to follow Jesus, and honor your temple--

 

[HeraldtheNews]

let me save you the trouble of dealing with this for over 20 years. I have the same husband as you at home now the only difference is he kept the same job for 20 years... and does not smoke weed but he is self centered spiteful sneaky and a lier. So to help you avoid the 20 plus years of misery that I have suffered I will flat out tell you he is not going to change. He needs to realize he has a problem and he will then need to go fix it with the help of a therapist. I mean a qualified therapist. I do not see this happening as it sounds like he is very self centered as well.
second you need to get rid of him because your showing your daughter that your husband is what she should aim for when she looks for a future husband. so unless you change this pattern all up and give your daughter a better role model and show her what a real good man looks like some one who is caring loving respectful etc.... she will end up with the same type of loser who is so self centered that he will never change as well. Divorce by bibical grounds or not you need to decide if this is what you want to keep dealing with day in and out for the rest of your life... trust me 20 years later I am kicking myself because now half my life is over and now I am ready to finally leave..

exactly-- he is not a "wonderful father," as the lady in distress said-- if he is addicted to weed, porn, and is not a true Christian, how does she know he is not abusing her children? That will surely be next, as well as infidelity, as that is usually the natural progression of someone addicted to drugs, porn, and whatever else...

 

[Depleted]

I think this is a fine example of why even Christian marriages don't work out any better than non Christian marriages. Women tend to think this is the guy they can fix to be the guy they want. Meanwhile the guy goes in without a clue on that deception. Then suddenly she makes all these demands that aren't the personality of the guy. So what does that leave for him? Pretend he is or get yelled at constantly for not being the guy she wanted.

There's a reason the wife is to submit and the husband is to love. By nature, women are the take-charge person. (It is what mothers do naturally.) Traditionally, the guys find it easier to get back into the role of the child. And then the wife wonders why he's acting like a child? Because he's being treated like one, of course.

If you don't trust him to lead and to love, don't marry him. If you do trust him, stop leading! What your really upset with is he's not changing into the guy you thought you could turn him into. How about loving the guy you married warts and all?

 

[Depleted]

BTW, you know what you get when you're so desperate you'll take the advice from strangers? Advice from strangers.

 

[Angela53510]

I'm sorry you are in this difficult bind! Because you are bound to him, but I think it is not the ties of love and companionship. He is a person who is severely addictive and doesn't care. He is damaging you, and will damage your children.

I agree that this is really no marriage at all. I think that you need to find a way to live on your own, and get a legal separation. I would hope you would still pray for him to be saved. As our brother testified above, God can totally change a heart and life. I know God did that for me, too! I was an alcoholic on the way down, and God totally set me free, and has been with me ever since, nearly 37 years. He turned my life around!

Objectively, you need to read your post. Pretend you don't know the people. What would you say to that woman about her future? What would you tell her to do? What would you say to her about the way her husband acts?

Now, think about what YOU need to do! That you are that woman. I hesitate to tell people to separate or divorce, exactly because God can change people. But, I don't think your husband has any motive to listen to God, or change in any way. He has his cake and eat it too! And I have big issues with liars. If you can't trust someone's word, then what can you trust? Nothing!

Praying that God helps you make the right decisions, because I don't want to see you in this abusive situation any longer. (Lying and porn is a form of abuse, and I can give you the references for that, if you want!)

 

[Dan58]

Your husband hasn't changed, you have. You both smoked weed pre-marriage, you stopped but he never did. Sometimes we marry someone with the hope or anticipation that they'll become something different from what they are, or that they'll change and grow up to be a responsible adult. While its disappointing when they don't, it shouldn't be too surprising if they don't. You have 3 choices; Accept him the way he is, keep trying to change him, or leave him. In my experience, its next to impossible to change someone. Divorce is often a case of people growing apart... jmo

 

[twofeet]

Biblical standing. If 2 people are not Christian and one gets saved then New Test teaching applies " if the unbeliever wants to stay let them stay" Your first Covenant is marriage and that stands before God. HOWEVER. If one is already a Christian and one isnt then the bible clearly states that Light and darkness cannot be bound together. Read the book of Ezra. This is a disobedience against God where you cannot fix it. You repent and walk away. They did in Ezra. Otherwise its like saying "Do not commit murder....but if you do this is what you do next". The rule is very simple to understand, Its all about your first covenant. If your first covenant is with God do you honestly think He is going to let a child of the Kingdom yolked together with someone of the enemy in darkness? There is NO union, their is NO fellowship. What GOD has joined together....great! But God has not joined you together if you was a christian and he isnt. Seriously....go ask Him yourself if you are unsure of what I've said here. Jesus himself said "a woman must not separate from her husband BUT IF SHE DOES........" there are often good reasons why she does. Jesus also said that if a man looks at another woman in his heart he has committed adultery. How many biblical reasons would you like here?

 

[EMMY4REAL]

hello friend what you need now is to meet GOD for forgiveness of your sin and you must not go back for your sin again because if you do, you will die.

 

[blue_ladybug]

This is not true. She won't die because of the sins she and/or hubby has committed. It is true that they need to ask for God's forgiveness, though..

hello friend what you need now is to meet GOD for forgiveness of your sin and you must not go back for your sin again because if you do, you will die.