Son who doesn't respect our values.

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M

marvelchick

Guest
#1
#1
Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
 
Demi777

Demi777

Senior Member
#2
Oct 13, 2014
6,891
1,961
113
Germany
#2
Well I would most likely kick him out.
Plus.. do you really think u can stop him from having his girlfrend around. Plus he doesnt need nighttime to go out with her and do stuff. come on now
He loves her and comitted himself to her. Treating her like shes not a part of the family is not much of a solution either.

I dont see it as being about values. For me this is a mess on both sides.
He wont listen to your laws and you dont really seem to try to take his point either.

So for me it seems like you only have 2 options
make a compromise or kick him out. You wont change him by punishing him
just my view tho
 
M

marvelchick

Guest
#3
#3
He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.
 
Roughsoul1991

Roughsoul1991

Senior Member
#4
Sep 17, 2016
8,916
4,580
113
#4
marvelchick said:
He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.
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Your situation is never the ideal situations that Christian parents hope to see in their children. You are within all rights to set the rules in your house. And these rules should stand our else your child will think he can walk on over every rule.

Now at age 20 he is no longer a child and will be held accountable to his choices. Its not your fault for trying to raise him up good, but at many points in everyones life we choose and make decisions. Obviously we make a lot of dumb ones in our youth that can shape or mold our future. We only can pray these choices only mold his mind into realizing bad choices only have bad consequences compared to molding his life to his bad choices.

He is an adult now and as much as it hurts he must be treated as one. I know he is still your baby. But if he cant handle the rules in your house how can he handle rules in adulthood.

If he dont respect your rules then he doesn't respect you. Telling him if he doesn't respect you, he will have to go. But obviously yall let him know how much yall love him and will always help him but if he cant respect you then its time to go.

Sometimes the real world will help kids grow up. Stupid choices has made many people grow up.

So really your best way to fight this is with lots of prayer, love, patience, kindness, and good helping of discipline on yourself to stay strong on enforcing your rules.
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#5
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#5
You've talked with him/them several times. It's your house. It's your rules. He breaks them, he's out. Period. He moved into your house knowing the rules, right?

I know it sounds harsh, but if he's going to break his own parents' rules, what other rules is he going to break? He apparently needs to be taught that rules are rules. It's NOT a punishment to kick him out -- it's a consequence to his own actions.

I would give him one more chance. And I would modify the rule to say "No fornication in the house" because, as someone noted above, they don't need to "do it" at night.

I wouldn't tolerate the fornication, either -- just as I would not tolerate drunkenness, stealing, slothfulness, etc.
 
resurrection33

resurrection33

Banned
#6
Dec 19, 2009
27,513
128
0
71
#6
marvelchick said:
Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
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I would say it's time for you to ask him to leave.
 
resurrection33

resurrection33

Banned
#7
Dec 19, 2009
27,513
128
0
71
#7
marvelchick said:
Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
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resurrection33 said:
I would say it's time for you to ask him to leave.
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Give your son a choice - live by your rules or live somewhere else.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#8
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#8
There are some chapters in your child's life that only God can write. He was raised in a Christian home but did he make a personal declaration of faith in Christ? What kind of witness is he being to the girl with whom he is fornicating? Is he at all concerned with her soul and eternal life?

Pr 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
A

Adstar

Senior Member
#9
Jul 24, 2016
7,637
3,656
113
#9
marvelchick said:
Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
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Sometimes you have to make an ultimatum... Either respect our rules in our home or leave our home...
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#10
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#10
marvelchick said:
Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
Click to expand...
Seems like you may not truly believe in your own claimed values. How can you expect him to?
 
preacher4truth

preacher4truth

Senior Member
#11
Dec 28, 2016
9,171
2,719
113
#11
Simple, have him pack up and leave, put some proof behind your values, and stop waiting for him to agree with them.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#12
#12
marvelchick said:
Hi all, some Godly advice needed from fellow Christians. Our son (20) has moved back home after living out of home for a year and a bit. His father and I have raised all our children in a Christian home but at present our two eldest children (our sons) have walked away. Our son just this week has a new girlfriend and we have told him that we don't want her staying overnight at our place, we have the same rule with all our other kids too. He has sneaked her in the last three nights. The first morning we spoke to him about it, the second morning to both of them and this morning I was so angry I left it to dad to talk to him. He can't understand why he is not allowed to have her stay, and we can't understand why he can't respect our values, he knows we are Christians but doesn't even seem to care about our conditions.
Click to expand...
Where is Dad/your husband on this issue?

I've come to the conclusion there is no understanding Why. I don't even know why my husband likes coffee. Why doesn't matter. What you do about it does.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#13
#13
I'm so sorry for you! This sounds like a very difficult situation for you all, and I will definitely pray for wisdom for you.

You'll never "make" him agree with your values. If he doesn't conform to them, you have two options: kick him out or...kick him out. I don't see any way around this one. Especially if you have younger children in the house still? what are you teaching them by endorsing this? And believe me, by letting him stay on, you ARE endorsing it. You need to honestly tell your son, "this is what we believe, this is why we believe it. We love you and want to see you doing God's will. You will not do ____(whatever your rules happen to be) in our house, but you're a man and you can make your own decisions. So, you can stay here and conform to our rules, or you can go."

And the huge thing is to make sure he's seeing these values lived out. If it's just a set of rules, your children will be the first to know. We have to live what we believe (and live it like we REALLY believe it!) before we'll get anyone else to live it.

Another point I can think of is to make the gf feel welcomed in your family. Plan a family dinner and invite her. I suppose double dates with parents aren't "cool"? (this always sounded ideal to me but what ever), reach out to her in ways that involve other people and aren't just the two of them, but don't look like you're purposely trying to drive them apart.

I hope God leads you to a solution here, and comforts your hearts. God bless you!
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#14
#14
Demi777 said:
Well I would most likely kick him out.
Plus.. do you really think u can stop him from having his girlfrend around. Plus he doesnt need nighttime to go out with her and do stuff. come on now
He loves her and comitted himself to her. Treating her like shes not a part of the family is not much of a solution either.

I dont see it as being about values. For me this is a mess on both sides.
He wont listen to your laws and you dont really seem to try to take his point either.

So for me it seems like you only have 2 options
make a compromise or kick him out. You wont change him by punishing him
just my view tho
Click to expand...
You don't do the horizontal bop with someone in the first week of a relationship out of love. Come on now! That's under "Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?" :rolleyes:
 
JosephsDreams

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
#15
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
468
83
#15
Give it some time. Don't be so quick to throw him out. You may eventually have to, but I would at least give it 9 months. Unless of course he does something dramatically stupid or rebellious.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#16
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#16
JosephsDreams said:
Give it some time. Don't be so quick to throw him out. You may eventually have to, but I would at least give it 9 months. Unless of course he does something dramatically stupid or rebellious.
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I just about fell off my chair, laughing at the specific timeframe you presented. LOL
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#19
#19
marvelchick said:
He's known her for a week so not exactly a committed relationship.
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I didn't see you say why he moved back home... If you feel that strongly about it,sit them both down,tell them why and ask them one last time to honor your request.If it is not honored its time for him to leave and the locks on the doors to be changed. He's an adult and he's doing what he wishes,which is up to him,but you're also an adult with wishes who likely pays most or all of the bills. There is no winning in this situation.You cant parent a grown adult and the more you try the more he'll act like a kid and rebel.If he's old enough to make adult choices he's old enough to live on his own.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#20
#20
JosephsDreams said:
I had no doubt you would catch that.
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So it WAS on purpose? Good. I'm glad not everyone pulls random numbers out of a hat without thinking what they might imply. lol
 
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