Son who doesn't respect our values.

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Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#22
I didn't see you say why he moved back home... If you feel that strongly about it,sit them both down,tell them why and ask them one last time to honor your request.If it is not honored its time for him to leave and the locks on the doors to be changed. He's an adult and he's doing what he wishes,which is up to him,but you're also an adult with wishes who likely pays most or all of the bills. There is no winning in this situation.You cant parent a grown adult and the more you try the more he'll act like a kid and rebel.If he's old enough to make adult choices he's old enough to live on his own.
The rules in my parent's house were clear, followed by the usual amount of repeat on "My house! My rules! If you don't like them, you know where the door is."

BUT, everyone is so quick to tell Mrs. Chick what to do, they're forgetting what Mr. Chick says.

"My house! My rules!" worked for me because that wasn't just-mom or just-dad. That was a united front. We don't yet know if this home's rules are united.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#23
One of the biggest mistakes we ever started doing with children was the never-ending count:

"Ok! Now, I'm going to count to ten...."
 

Tinuviel

Senior Member
Jun 6, 2015
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#24
One of the biggest mistakes we ever started doing with children was the never-ending count:

"Ok! Now, I'm going to count to ten...."
I never got that from my parents. (thankfully!) And they never get to the number, that's the terrible thing.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
23,391
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#25
After nine months, you will be grandparents and saddled with
the responsibility of raising the child of your irresponsible son.
 
M

marvelchick

Guest
#26
Wow, whatever gives you the impression that we dont believe in our values. You read a snapshot and came to that conclusions, just wow.
Seems like you may not truly believe in your own claimed values. How can you expect him to?
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#27
Wow, whatever gives you the impression that we dont believe in our values. You read a snapshot and came to that conclusions, just wow.
Three nights in a row, he sneaks this girl in........... and you call that a "snapshot?"
 

renewed_hope

Senior Member
May 9, 2016
1,908
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#28
I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out :)
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#29
I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out :)
And pigs might learn to fly. But, seriously, there might be a VERY remote possibility of something like that.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,529
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#30
I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out :)
Why should that matter? They say no and he goes against their wishes. If there were special circumstances then he still has the responsibility to talk with them about it. But he's sneaking behind their backs and breaking their rules. He shouldn't be rewarded for that.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,905
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#31
The worst thing you could do to your son is enable him. Because allowing him to stay when he has no intention of keeping your rules (rules I agree with totally) means that you are letting him win in your relationship, at the loss of his character.

I say this, because I went through this. I was very defiant towards my parents. I broke one of their rules, although not for the reason they thought I was. They threw me out at age 17, in the middle of grade 12. I put myself through hell after that, but I did get stronger and stronger. I learned how to fend for myself, and put my life back together. My brother, on the other hand, was totally enabled by my parents. He used their car, blamed my sister when he crashed it into the garage, they excused him when he molested my sister, because "boys will be boys" and he managed to flunk out of every training course my dad got him into and he was not dumb.

Meanwhile, I got a science degree and a teaching degree. I got married, and had 4 children. Bought our own houses, built a house, and worked for a living. My brother did not have to work, because he could just stay in my parents basement. And stay, and stay, and stay!

My brother is now 60 and living in the basement. No job, no wife (he had a nice girlfriend once (a Christian) and my father forced my brother to dump her, because my father didn't like her mom. Eventually, the mother got remarried, leaving the girl behind. She committed suicide a year or so after that. And of course, no children, no interests and no life.

My sister and I have tried for 6 years to get our mom and dad into assisted living, and then my mom when my father passed away. But, my mom can't move, because this marvellously manipulative son threatens to commit suicide every time we try to get him out of the basement.

Now your son may not go through all that. But, you are hurting him for sure, allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. You may think you are doing him a favour, allowing him to flaunt your rules, three days in a row. But you are hurting him.

Why do parents think enabling their kids is the right way to do things? Our society is just so mixed up about the real meaning of parenting! In my opinion, three strikes and he is out. Well, with a girl he has known a week - probably one strike sealed that deal for me.

PS. We raised 4 children. Not once did they try anything like that. In fact, our oldest son had been married 8 or 9 years, and he was so excited he got to stay with his wife in our house. Our children all have good careers, their own homes, and, of course, our grandchildren are wonderful! We gave our kids a lots, in terms of taking them to sports activities, music lessons, camping in the summer, and lego. Yep, lots of lego! LOL. But they have not disappointed us. We are so blessed!
 

renewed_hope

Senior Member
May 9, 2016
1,908
95
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#32
Why should that matter? They say no and he goes against their wishes. If there were special circumstances then he still has the responsibility to talk with them about it. But he's sneaking behind their backs and breaking their rules. He shouldn't be rewarded for that.
I can't believe that you can be so insensitive to things like this. She could be pregnant and got kicked out of her parents house and doesn't know what to do and swore this guy to secrecy and he is doing everything he can to make her feel loved and secure. Granted, it doesn't make it right, but that is why I mentioned that his dad sits down with him and get the facts before going off on him. He could very well be screwing around in his parents home blatantly disrespecting the rules, but we dont know amd thats why I brought up a different scenario.

Think back to American history for a moment to the Underground Railroad? People would keep African-American people in their homes knowing it was illegal to get them to safety and didn't say a word because it would have cost the them their lives and home. Our freedoms today would not be where they are without these families and they did it out of love and concern. There are two sides to every story so please don't pass judgement when we only know one side of it
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#33
I am not condoning these actions of blatantly disrespecting the rules, but there could be a good reason why he sneaks her in. Yes, there are obvious ones like having sex, but there is another you probably haven't even thought of....it could be her living situation is not safe and your son knows she could be safe under your roof. I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions here and just have your husband sit down with your son man to man and figure this all out :)
In which case you ask your parents if she can stay in the spare room.
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
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#34
I can't believe that you can be so insensitive to things like this. She could be pregnant and got kicked out of her parents house and doesn't know what to do and swore this guy to secrecy and he is doing everything he can to make her feel loved and secure. Granted, it doesn't make it right, but that is why I mentioned that his dad sits down with him and get the facts before going off on him. He could very well be screwing around in his parents home blatantly disrespecting the rules, but we dont know amd thats why I brought up a different scenario.

Think back to American history for a moment to the Underground Railroad? People would keep African-American people in their homes knowing it was illegal to get them to safety and didn't say a word because it would have cost the them their lives and home. Our freedoms today would not be where they are without these families and they did it out of love and concern. There are two sides to every story so please don't pass judgement when we only know one side of it
He still has a responsibility to respect and honor his parents and the wishes of the people that own the house that are allowing him to stay there. He needs to be an adult and not wrap up in HS level drama. He still needs to be responsible and tell her "I have to be able to tell my parents or I could get kicked out too. Then neither of us will have a place to live". Doesn't that sound more grown up and reasonable than acting like a kid in HS sneaking around and lacking respect for those providing for him as an adult?
It's not insensitive to expect someone to act like a grown man and to respect the people helping him out.
And your entire argument is based on an "if", not facts.
 

Depleted

Senior Member
Dec 13, 2015
22,166
480
83
Philly, PA, USA
#35
Three nights in a row, he sneaks this girl in........... and you call that a "snapshot?"
Really? We were group home parents. Five nights a week, a cop would come to our door to redeliver the same boy. He kept sneaking out after we went to bed. (The only kid I ever knew who got caught by cops that often too, yeesh! Most people are sneakier than that. lol) So according to you the answer is to guard the son all day and all night, never to sleep again?

Now that's a snapshot of a different sort.

I really am going with the kid sneaked in the girl after the parents went to bed.

We quit our job because it was a 22 hour a day job with four juvenile delinquents in the house and two relatively normal boys with jackwipes for parents. We just couldn't keep living on two hours of sleep per day. And that truly seems like what you're advocating here. "Suck it up and guard the 20-year-old 24/7."
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
5,498
288
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#36
well i kinda expected it to have been longer than a week lol!!
xD u just made me laugh so hard sis XD God bless.
Id kick him out. Thats for sure

You don't do the horizontal bop with someone in the first week of a relationship out of love. Come on now! That's under "Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?" :rolleyes:
 

renewed_hope

Senior Member
May 9, 2016
1,908
95
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#37
He still has a responsibility to respect and honor his parents and the wishes of the people that own the house that are allowing him to stay there. He needs to be an adult and not wrap up in HS level drama. He still needs to be responsible and tell her "I have to be able to tell my parents or I could get kicked out too. Then neither of us will have a place to live". Doesn't that sound more grown up and reasonable than acting like a kid in HS sneaking around and lacking respect for those providing for him as an adult?
It's not insensitive to expect someone to act like a grown man and to respect the people helping him out.
And your entire argument is based on an "if", not facts.
I never said it as fact, if you reread what was written I merely said there is a whole other side of the story and his dad needs to sit down with their son and figure it out.

As far as the maturity thing goes, for men it takes much longer for them to grow up. I refuse to date anyone in their twenties because in my experience men that age are not mature enough and don't have their lives put together yet. But truthfully if a guy has any interest in a girl they would do ALMOST anything to make them happy....change their look, wardrobe, career, become best friends with her boring dad, and goes with her girlfriends for a girls night out all without her asking him to....that is to impress her. :) Now, if she asked something of him that becomes something of a big deal.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#38
Really? We were group home parents. Five nights a week, a cop would come to our door to redeliver the same boy. He kept sneaking out after we went to bed. (The only kid I ever knew who got caught by cops that often too, yeesh! Most people are sneakier than that. lol) So according to you the answer is to guard the son all day and all night, never to sleep again?

Now that's a snapshot of a different sort.

I really am going with the kid sneaked in the girl after the parents went to bed.

We quit our job because it was a 22 hour a day job with four juvenile delinquents in the house and two relatively normal boys with jackwipes for parents. We just couldn't keep living on two hours of sleep per day. And that truly seems like what you're advocating here. "Suck it up and guard the 20-year-old 24/7."
Will you knock off building the Straw men to knock down? I don't think one person here ever even mentioned "guarding" the kid. That seems to be an invention from your own fantasies.

I said the kid disobeyed three times in a row, and that to overlook that was a denial of any sort of values she claimed were so important to her.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,518
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#39
Time for a little tough love and to show this adult child the door. If he can't respect your wishes and abide by the house rules then he don't need to be living there disrupting the entire household. If you allow him to stay there and do as he pleases you are just enabling him to leech of you and your husband without accepting responsibility for his actions or working toward worthwhile goals. Your son doesn't respect your values because he doesn't respect the Christian values found in the bible. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.