Married and lonely
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Hi there Desertrose...
Thank you!!
I appreciate your input, but I really hesitated in answering based on some of the responses I have been getting.... (deep breath)... but here it goes...
Let me expound a little ... first of all, my initial comments were made with some raw emotions-- no (contrary to the belief or accusations of some ) I have not considered leaving nor doing -anything- that would harm my wife, including seeking relations outside of my marriage. Those 'choices' are the only options the world would have is believe...which under stress our flesh will sometimes take us there. I have been spending some time in prayer over the last few days and God has indeed been doing a work in me. I am married to my best friend and could ask for no one better. So why did I post initially? As I had said before, I was seeking the 'iron sharpeneth iron' support of my brothers and sisters in Christ. The Bible does say there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors ....
As far as counseling, the reason it won't work is because my wife is an intensely private person.. she would me mortified to discuss this with anyone else... and frankly I don't know if I could either... and while I don't agree with the 'suck it up buttercup' suggestion, if it came to that and if nothing else ever changed I would never push her to hay place which would cause her that kind of pain and discomfort.
There are lots of people here that have been married a long time, and I don't always get thing right, and so I ask for the advise from those that have possibly have had similar difficulties...
Hopefully this wont create another barrage ....
Thank you!!
I appreciate your input, but I really hesitated in answering based on some of the responses I have been getting.... (deep breath)... but here it goes...
Let me expound a little ... first of all, my initial comments were made with some raw emotions-- no (contrary to the belief or accusations of some ) I have not considered leaving nor doing -anything- that would harm my wife, including seeking relations outside of my marriage. Those 'choices' are the only options the world would have is believe...which under stress our flesh will sometimes take us there. I have been spending some time in prayer over the last few days and God has indeed been doing a work in me. I am married to my best friend and could ask for no one better. So why did I post initially? As I had said before, I was seeking the 'iron sharpeneth iron' support of my brothers and sisters in Christ. The Bible does say there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors ....
As far as counseling, the reason it won't work is because my wife is an intensely private person.. she would me mortified to discuss this with anyone else... and frankly I don't know if I could either... and while I don't agree with the 'suck it up buttercup' suggestion, if it came to that and if nothing else ever changed I would never push her to hay place which would cause her that kind of pain and discomfort.
There are lots of people here that have been married a long time, and I don't always get thing right, and so I ask for the advise from those that have possibly have had similar difficulties...
Hopefully this wont create another barrage ....
D
So, Sola. Now that you know we aren't all idiots, you could, of course, put in a never-mind request about leaving the site. BUT, assuming the mods do stuff in order, they will already have canceled your account by the time they hit the never-mind request. Given that, you can still stay. Either pay $5 for keeping the name you already chose, or choose a new user name and return.
Of course there are idiots on this site. Have you ever found a place that doesn't have idiots? (If so, you could sell tickets, but obviously, you'd probably be letting in some idiots that way. lol)
And warning: Nothing but people on here, so any day of the week anyone of us can turn into an idiot anyway.
Just reminding you of stuff you probably already know, but might have forgotten from the I've-had-my-days-of-idiotic-too section.
Of course there are idiots on this site. Have you ever found a place that doesn't have idiots? (If so, you could sell tickets, but obviously, you'd probably be letting in some idiots that way. lol)
And warning: Nothing but people on here, so any day of the week anyone of us can turn into an idiot anyway.
Just reminding you of stuff you probably already know, but might have forgotten from the I've-had-my-days-of-idiotic-too section.
I understand, Sola.
You were being real which great. We can only get help when we are being real and honest.
And yeah, I'm similar to your wife as well. Some things you just don't feel comfortable talking about with others. And there have been horror stories where a counselor takes sides and causes the marriages destruction instead of helping it.
You sound like a very kind and caring man.....you're just struggling with this issue and I'm sure most men would also. It's very wise to reach out for help when you need it. Why suffer alone when others can offer encouragement, prayers and hopefully wisdom as well.
I know there are some men and women in marriages that have to struggle through as you are. I have a friend whose husband can't be intimate in that way.And it's for medical reasons that takes the desire away.
Is your wife on medications that might be the cause? Or even illnesses can be a trigger as well.
Kudos to you for reaching out as you did. That might be the very thing that might be the most helpful. There are more people praying for your situation now.
And I'm happy for you that the Lord is already working through prayers. What a might God we serve!
You are a blessing. I hope you can stay around! God bless you!!!
"I'm reading a self esteem issue. Excuses are not issues in marriage or life.
Hmmm, I read his explanation and I dont know if I would call it making excuses, I would call it someone asking the advise of his brothers and sisters in Christ as he said. And as far as the self esteem thing... that's up to a therapist to decide and not for us....
The bible talks about caring for one another and baring one another's burdens... I don't recall seeing any disclaimers that say ... 'unless we think their stupid' or 'we don't agree with them'...
Phillipians 2:1-4
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Galatians 6:1-2
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Hmmm, I read his explanation and I dont know if I would call it making excuses, I would call it someone asking the advise of his brothers and sisters in Christ as he said. And as far as the self esteem thing... that's up to a therapist to decide and not for us....
The bible talks about caring for one another and baring one another's burdens... I don't recall seeing any disclaimers that say ... 'unless we think their stupid' or 'we don't agree with them'...
Phillipians 2:1-4
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Galatians 6:1-2
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
I hope your wife can get over some of her discomfort, since communication is crucial in any relationship. It seems you are prepared to look upon her reality with compassion, but is she offering the same to you? Assessing your shared joys and sorrows means communication so that you can each discover the unique potential of being in the world together. Does she lack the confidence and courage to face herself? She may be experiencing such a depth of pain that it is frightening to even contemplate exploring the depths of it to better understand the root, and see how it has grown and branched out to block the light of your love. Prayers for the healing required to move into and beyond this set of circumstances in your life.
"Of course there are idiots on this site."
Umm... yeah, unfortunately.... kinda sad huh?
That seems to be the thing with forums and internet chat -- some people feel entitled to be someone they're not and say thing they wouldn't normally say to anyone in person, almost as if their true identity can be right there in the open without having to be accountable.
Uh oh, now I did it...
Umm... yeah, unfortunately.... kinda sad huh?
That seems to be the thing with forums and internet chat -- some people feel entitled to be someone they're not and say thing they wouldn't normally say to anyone in person, almost as if their true identity can be right there in the open without having to be accountable.
Uh oh, now I did it...
K
God knows his heart. We are fruit inspectors (Mt 7:20).
Thinking about committing adultery is evil (Ex 20:14). You’re not willing to say that. I am (Heb 13:4).
Neither do you (Eph 4:14).
Proof please (Eph 4:14).
So he says. He also said he’d: love, honor and cherish her (Eph. 5:25–33).
If he’s not a Christian, it would be best to fess up. Say, I’m not a Christian. I lied. Sorry. I misrepresented myself. I am the reprobate that you all say I am. Now, what? No one expects a reprobate to remain faithful to his wife.
When one claims to be a Christ-follower, we can reasonably expect him to follow Christ.
Neither do you (Eph 4:14).
So he says. He also said he’d: love, honor and cherish her (Eph. 5:25–33).
You dont know what Im willing to say,stick around and you'll find out. He never said he was considering adultery, you're the one that put those words in his mouth. And no I dont know them but Im not Im not the one making assumptions and judgments,you are.
Nothing he's said would make us think he's not a Christian,he didn't lie and has nothing to apologize for. Nothing he's said would make us think he doesn't follow Christ either and certainly nothing to label him as a reprobate. Absolutely unfounded accusations.
No one in my church tells me that committing adultery is an option for them (Heb 13:4).
I don’t go to the church of Thyatira. If you do, plan to go into the Great Tribulation. It’s guaranteed (Rev. 2:18–24).
The Jesus of scripture is against adultery (Ex 20:14). He, not the men around him, could forgive sin (Jn 8:7).
The Jesus of scripture is against adultery (Ex 20:14). He, not the men around him, could forgive sin (Jn 8:7).
K
No one in my church tells me that committing adultery is an option for them (Heb 13:4).
I don’t go to the church of Thyatira. If you do, plan to go into the Great Tribulation. It’s guaranteed (Rev. 2:18–24).
The Jesus of scripture is against adultery (Ex 20:14). He, not the men around him, could forgive sin (Jn 8:7).
The Jesus of scripture is against adultery (Ex 20:14). He, not the men around him, could forgive sin (Jn 8:7).
And the OP said it wasn't a Godly option so stop misquoting and twisting his words. Yes Jesus was against adultery and so is the OP. And yes Jesus can forgive sin and no one else,we're all aware of that.And you've derailed a thread for no reason other than you like your own opinion and want the last word even if it isn't the truth.
Galatians 5:22-26:
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other.
OK do a quick inventory...
Love? ....nope
Joy ?... nu-uh
Peace? ... nada
Forbearance? ... are you kidding??
Kindness? .... buhahaha!
Faithfulness? ... hmm not sure... that's between her and The Lord
Gentleness? ... like 200 grit sand paper
self control? ... comparable to 7-up -- "never had it, never will"...
Oh, and you just GOTTA love verse 26 --
[FONT="]26 [/FONT][FONT="]Let us not become conceited,[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]provoking and envying each other.
[/FONT]Your argument is not with us, its with God... if anyone should be getting on their knees and asking for forgiveness it's you...
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other.
OK do a quick inventory...
Love? ....nope
Joy ?... nu-uh
Peace? ... nada
Forbearance? ... are you kidding??
Kindness? .... buhahaha!
Faithfulness? ... hmm not sure... that's between her and The Lord
Gentleness? ... like 200 grit sand paper
self control? ... comparable to 7-up -- "never had it, never will"...
Oh, and you just GOTTA love verse 26 --
[FONT="]26 [/FONT][FONT="]Let us not become conceited,[/FONT][FONT="][/FONT][FONT="]provoking and envying each other.
[/FONT]Your argument is not with us, its with God... if anyone should be getting on their knees and asking for forgiveness it's you...
Lets just say I'm skeptical. Any guy who goes on the internet with married and lonely is seriously fishing for something. It all sounds like poor me nobody respects me my wife doesn't like me I think I'll go out in the gardens and eat worms.
Church pastors will counsel in confidence and counseling is what is needed to salvage this marriage. One must lead and pray the other will follow. If the husband leads it is very likely that the wife will follow. Most wives are happy to follow a husband who leads in Spiritual matters.
There is a sacred covenant here between a man and a woman before and with God.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
Church pastors will counsel in confidence and counseling is what is needed to salvage this marriage. One must lead and pray the other will follow. If the husband leads it is very likely that the wife will follow. Most wives are happy to follow a husband who leads in Spiritual matters.
There is a sacred covenant here between a man and a woman before and with God.
For the cause of Christ
Roger
K
I could try and make points here,I could argue and on some I can agree. I dont sense anything like that in the OP. But I did sense it in a woman that was here once and I was right.Meanwhile several men tore me down for saying something against this poor,helpless woman. So I'll leave you to your own opinions and just say that I disagree and dont sense anything untoward in the OP. I do think counseling is needed and my uncle and aunt had a situation much like this. She was very private and refused help until my uncle had made up his mind to leave,then she said she'd go to counseling. By that time too much damage had been done and they divorced. I hope that doesn't happen in this situation.
"I do think counseling is needed and my uncle and aunt had a situation much like this. She was very private and refused help until my uncle had made up his mind to leave,then she said she'd go to counseling. By that time too much damage had been done and they divorced. I hope that doesn't happen in this situation."
I would agree with whats being said about counseling, but while it is a common and good option for most folks, perhaps as he had said, its not a good option for them. It's clear that he loves her, it's also clear that he does have a modicum of strength, because he knows where he is weak. Everyone of us has different breaking points in different areas of our lives for different reasons, and I don't agree with judging him for asking for help or whatever his reason is for asking, just as I know none of us appreciate being judged for our shortcomings. What if he had said he had an eating disorder, or had an addiction to food, or alcohol, or drugs.... would the opinions of this thread have been any different? And should our responses have been any different? Outside of making recommendations for a proper course of action that renders the best solution, I would say no...
When a brother approaches you in church and asks for prayer, do you tell him to suck it up? "If your son would ask your for bread, would you give him a stone?"
There is no degree of sin (except for the unforgivable sin) - one sin is not any worse than another, and all sins are equally just as forgivable from one to another, so that must mean that God's grace and forgiveness does not change depending on the sin. So why should our level of grace or forgiveness be any different?
I would agree with whats being said about counseling, but while it is a common and good option for most folks, perhaps as he had said, its not a good option for them. It's clear that he loves her, it's also clear that he does have a modicum of strength, because he knows where he is weak. Everyone of us has different breaking points in different areas of our lives for different reasons, and I don't agree with judging him for asking for help or whatever his reason is for asking, just as I know none of us appreciate being judged for our shortcomings. What if he had said he had an eating disorder, or had an addiction to food, or alcohol, or drugs.... would the opinions of this thread have been any different? And should our responses have been any different? Outside of making recommendations for a proper course of action that renders the best solution, I would say no...
When a brother approaches you in church and asks for prayer, do you tell him to suck it up? "If your son would ask your for bread, would you give him a stone?"
There is no degree of sin (except for the unforgivable sin) - one sin is not any worse than another, and all sins are equally just as forgivable from one to another, so that must mean that God's grace and forgiveness does not change depending on the sin. So why should our level of grace or forgiveness be any different?