Married and lonely
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Sola, I had this problem for years. It's very complex. If you want I can spell it out for you; what the problem is and how to fix it. It is not just wearing the right cologne. It very much has to do with how we are created, God explained it to me. When it comes to sex, it's a flesh thing. I don't care if anyone disagrees, I'm right. Look at the animals. Our flesh behaves like the animals. All males have been given the desire to "plant seeds". Females have been given the duty of selection. Males who display desireable qualities for strengthening the species, increase arrousal the females to populate. God designed it so that stressful environments, like poor nutrition or anxiety, decrease testosterone to slow down population growth. God designed sex for population control, not entertainment. Society brainwashes us into believing it's something else because it sells...everything.
Get ride of the desire... one of the fruits of the Spirit is self control... the Lord was tempted in all points as we are, so He knows how to put that desire down.
If your spouse is not in to it, then the desire needs to be buried just like you would believe the Lord to deliver you from smoking cigarettes, smoking crack, worrying, over eating, being mean to people, er whatever.
It's either get rid of the desire or eventually it'll wreck your marriage as satan will bring a "substitute" into your life who wants to "treat you like you deserve to be treated" and the sadness and loneliness will produce fruit unto adultery.
If your spouse is not in to it, then the desire needs to be buried just like you would believe the Lord to deliver you from smoking cigarettes, smoking crack, worrying, over eating, being mean to people, er whatever.
It's either get rid of the desire or eventually it'll wreck your marriage as satan will bring a "substitute" into your life who wants to "treat you like you deserve to be treated" and the sadness and loneliness will produce fruit unto adultery.
Its hard but we talk about it. I want him to see my side of it. Its an odd situation bc its reversed from social norms. I sometimes need to take matters into my own hands. This is my second marriage my first marriage was completely sexless after the first few years and I don't want this one to be the same but what's different about the second marriage is that I feel God has fully developed my sexuality with my second husband because my desire for him is so strong and it's difficult when we're not on the same page. I took a lot of that rejection personally thinking..what I am doing wrong?
May I ask what sex means to you? It is easy to get addicted to things like sex and sugar because God designed it so we get dopamine and serotonin surges to ensure survival and reproduction. Aside from the physical sensations there is psychological attributions. Everybody wants to be considered valuable and special. Society brainwashes people into believing that our attractiveness is what makes us valuable. Men and women spend billions on cosmetic products and fitness memberships trying to be the billboard images. From what I have concluded men are happiest married to a woman who is more like a cheerleader who makes him believe that he can take on the world and women are happy married to men who treat them like they are needed and appreciated, or loved and special. Sex and love are different and can't be confused. You can express love with sex, but sex doesn't mean love, neither does no sex mean no love. Libido is based on many environmental factors that have more to do with whether your body and environment are requiring and able to support an increase in population. Perspective is everything. I used to want sex all the time and be upset when my wife was unresponsive. God helped me realize that I was tying my identity as a man to my ability to be desired by a female. We humans are much more than baby makers. By identifying that my wife's health had more to do with her desire for sex than what I have to offer, my ego didn't suffer rejection. By realizing sex is procreation and breasts are aesthetically packaged baby food, I was able to curb my lust, avoid being bitter towards my wife and serve God more fully.
P
Let's cut to the chase here. The woman's body is for the hubby, the hubby for the woman.
God created this intimacy between husband and wife for pleasure as well as baby making.
Sex on the romantic side is a beautiful experience. Sometimes it's not about romance it's about scratching that itch. Which is not sinful when between hubby and wife.
Stress causes a lot of complications, diet, hygiene, all contribute. Exercise helps.
You need to have a healthy relationship, spontaneous , knowing what turns your spouse into that tiger and go for it.
It's part of the marriage, a important part, a God centered part. Don't use each other as a tool but sometimes the timing is not there for both to be in the mood
I'm sorry if this seems so almost x rated in suggestions but let's keep it real.
33 years with my darling and hey we still get a room. Lol.
Sex is not a dirty thing between hubby and wife. It's a special time to enjoy one another and creates a stronger bond. A personal bond. It can be productive too. Ask my wife how she got the honey dew list shorten....lol. How I get to go on my fishing or hunting trips with her packing my clothes and lunch with smiles. Lol.
Seriously it's part of marriage, a important part. God blessed it and said in the song of Solomon "enjoy".
"Will not send pictures"
Potter.
God created this intimacy between husband and wife for pleasure as well as baby making.
Sex on the romantic side is a beautiful experience. Sometimes it's not about romance it's about scratching that itch. Which is not sinful when between hubby and wife.
Stress causes a lot of complications, diet, hygiene, all contribute. Exercise helps.
You need to have a healthy relationship, spontaneous , knowing what turns your spouse into that tiger and go for it.
It's part of the marriage, a important part, a God centered part. Don't use each other as a tool but sometimes the timing is not there for both to be in the mood
I'm sorry if this seems so almost x rated in suggestions but let's keep it real.
33 years with my darling and hey we still get a room. Lol.
Sex is not a dirty thing between hubby and wife. It's a special time to enjoy one another and creates a stronger bond. A personal bond. It can be productive too. Ask my wife how she got the honey dew list shorten....lol. How I get to go on my fishing or hunting trips with her packing my clothes and lunch with smiles. Lol.
Seriously it's part of marriage, a important part. God blessed it and said in the song of Solomon "enjoy".
"Will not send pictures"
Potter.
I'm not saying it isn't a bond strengthening ritual. All I'm saying is that it only has the power you give it. Sometimes things are more complicated. I have kids on either side of our room. The opportunity is always there. It's kind of like chocolate cake. I enjoy me a slice of cake. Just because my wife doesn't bake as much as I would like doesn't mean I should get upset or take it personally. I should be listening to the guys at work saying they get cake from all the ladies. Maybe there's no time or we are out of eggs. It just makes me enjoy it that much more when I get a slice.
Wow great post pottersclay!!
I must say I agree... I don't thing I am supposed to ignore or put off my needs of intimacy otherwise God would not have planted it is us as an emotion.
It's not just the physical need... there is a lot more that happens outside of the obvious physical response ... there is also an emotional and mental response as well that demands attention as well.
The cool thing is, God designed them to work together into this wonderful symphony! In other words you can achieve the physical response in multiple ways without the emotional bond that occurs and it is not as fulfilling. Sure it may 'put out the fire' for a short time, but he end result is the need is not met.
I get it, many have told me to 'stop whining' or 'if it isn't happening, just forget about it' .. but I don't believe that's Gods will for any of us ...
I must say I agree... I don't thing I am supposed to ignore or put off my needs of intimacy otherwise God would not have planted it is us as an emotion.
It's not just the physical need... there is a lot more that happens outside of the obvious physical response ... there is also an emotional and mental response as well that demands attention as well.
The cool thing is, God designed them to work together into this wonderful symphony! In other words you can achieve the physical response in multiple ways without the emotional bond that occurs and it is not as fulfilling. Sure it may 'put out the fire' for a short time, but he end result is the need is not met.
I get it, many have told me to 'stop whining' or 'if it isn't happening, just forget about it' .. but I don't believe that's Gods will for any of us ...
K
No,the desire does not need to be buried! Its a Godly desire and this is wrong according to the Bible.
1 Cor.-Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Cor-3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Gen.-That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
I agree, the reason for procreation. Look at Genesis. See how long there was between children. They weren't just going at it like rabbits. Our flesh responds exactly like the animals, exactly. I don't believe in evolution either. People turned sex into something it wasn't. Chemical reactions, that's all. It's not difficult to grasp just a hard truth to swallow. We are also spirit. The body and its desires are controllable.
Brother, I know what its like to have a lack of intamicy in your life,
I am single, I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I just miss having some one to be close too.
Some one to share lifes experiance with, some one to love, laugh with and enjoy life with.
My experiance in relationships are this, If your married and lacking intamicy, there is a reason,
try and find out what it is. You remember the fun you and your wife had when you were courting each other?
The conversations? try talking too her, if its simply being busy, then you might need a vacation to rekindle the passion.
If shes board, try dating her again, woo her like you did when you were dating. A small romantic jesture, a card of appreciatiation, try writting her a poem from your heart about your feelings for her and what you love about her.
It won't matter if it sucks, She will appreciate the effort you put behind it, and the sentimentality of it.
Or if your like me who is gifted in the kitchen, a romantic candle lit dinner for you and her, if you have kids send them to their grandparents for the weekend.
Marrage is like work or school, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. Think of marrage as an investment.
your time, your effort and your money is the capital your putting into your investment. The more you put in your investment the better your ROI is. (return on investment). It's also like a GIC. garunteed Income Certificate. Your putting money in for a period, With GIC's it's 1, 3, or 5 years locked in with an intrest rate when I had one it was about 2.5%.
Well with marrage it's a life time commitment, (long term) with a GIC you put in $100.00 in 5 years you make about $15.00 in intrest. with $1,000.00 about $150.00 etc.. The more you invest the more you get back in intrest.
Keep investing in your wife, let her know you love her, appreciate her, and appreciate every thing she does for you.
Keep putting her needs above yours, your investment will start yeilding results in time. The difference between a marrage and a GIC is that a GIC is financial, materialistic, and you can get out of it when it matures. A marrage is spiritual, and even though you can get out of it at anytime. It's best to honour your commitment and watch it fully mature to term.
(till death do you part.) you'll have no regrets. There maybe problems along the road, every invester will tell you theres no such thing as a garuntee in investments. How ever, With Christ there is no failure. Thats why your better off investing in a marrage than the stock exchange. Christ was eternal minded, spiritual minded, thats the kind of thinking that will garuntee your success in your marrage.
Hope this helps brother.
I am single, I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I just miss having some one to be close too.
Some one to share lifes experiance with, some one to love, laugh with and enjoy life with.
My experiance in relationships are this, If your married and lacking intamicy, there is a reason,
try and find out what it is. You remember the fun you and your wife had when you were courting each other?
The conversations? try talking too her, if its simply being busy, then you might need a vacation to rekindle the passion.
If shes board, try dating her again, woo her like you did when you were dating. A small romantic jesture, a card of appreciatiation, try writting her a poem from your heart about your feelings for her and what you love about her.
It won't matter if it sucks, She will appreciate the effort you put behind it, and the sentimentality of it.
Or if your like me who is gifted in the kitchen, a romantic candle lit dinner for you and her, if you have kids send them to their grandparents for the weekend.
Marrage is like work or school, the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. Think of marrage as an investment.
your time, your effort and your money is the capital your putting into your investment. The more you put in your investment the better your ROI is. (return on investment). It's also like a GIC. garunteed Income Certificate. Your putting money in for a period, With GIC's it's 1, 3, or 5 years locked in with an intrest rate when I had one it was about 2.5%.
Well with marrage it's a life time commitment, (long term) with a GIC you put in $100.00 in 5 years you make about $15.00 in intrest. with $1,000.00 about $150.00 etc.. The more you invest the more you get back in intrest.
Keep investing in your wife, let her know you love her, appreciate her, and appreciate every thing she does for you.
Keep putting her needs above yours, your investment will start yeilding results in time. The difference between a marrage and a GIC is that a GIC is financial, materialistic, and you can get out of it when it matures. A marrage is spiritual, and even though you can get out of it at anytime. It's best to honour your commitment and watch it fully mature to term.
(till death do you part.) you'll have no regrets. There maybe problems along the road, every invester will tell you theres no such thing as a garuntee in investments. How ever, With Christ there is no failure. Thats why your better off investing in a marrage than the stock exchange. Christ was eternal minded, spiritual minded, thats the kind of thinking that will garuntee your success in your marrage.
Hope this helps brother.
D
Actually, I strongly suspect his wife does like him. Hard to love someone for three decades if that someone doesn't even like you. Harder still, if that someone is your spouse.
Menopause did change me. Suddenly I just wasn't interested any more. Never meant I didn't like/love my husband, just found sex painful and time consuming. So, yeah, I really do get why she might not be interested while still loving the guy. I had to relearn some things, (they did teach menopause in sex ed., but yeesh! What 7th grader ever listens to something that will happen to them when they get THAT old? OLD people don't like sex anyway, right? lol), but it was never about not loving him.
I even get why he gave us the three choices he gave in his OP. There was a time in my life when I couldn't find a job, and couldn't do the job, if I did find it. And yet, we desperately needed money. I can't do a job because I can't sit up long enough to do a job. Back then, I was new to that, and unaware that moving around helped me be able to sit again. Back then, the only thing that cut down the pain was lying down...
And so I thought of jobs I could do while lying down. Only one I can do. The down sides are it's illegal, immoral, and frankly, disgusting! BUT when you're desperate, the mind remembers all possible choices -- even the ones that revolt you. He showed us the list he came up with in hopes of having others come up with better choices.
Is that so hard to believe? If it is, then you've lived a wonderful, carefree life. You should be praising God for protecting you that much.
Menopause did change me. Suddenly I just wasn't interested any more. Never meant I didn't like/love my husband, just found sex painful and time consuming. So, yeah, I really do get why she might not be interested while still loving the guy. I had to relearn some things, (they did teach menopause in sex ed., but yeesh! What 7th grader ever listens to something that will happen to them when they get THAT old? OLD people don't like sex anyway, right? lol), but it was never about not loving him.
I even get why he gave us the three choices he gave in his OP. There was a time in my life when I couldn't find a job, and couldn't do the job, if I did find it. And yet, we desperately needed money. I can't do a job because I can't sit up long enough to do a job. Back then, I was new to that, and unaware that moving around helped me be able to sit again. Back then, the only thing that cut down the pain was lying down...
And so I thought of jobs I could do while lying down. Only one I can do. The down sides are it's illegal, immoral, and frankly, disgusting! BUT when you're desperate, the mind remembers all possible choices -- even the ones that revolt you. He showed us the list he came up with in hopes of having others come up with better choices.
Is that so hard to believe? If it is, then you've lived a wonderful, carefree life. You should be praising God for protecting you that much.
If your spouse makes the decision that they will not have sex ever again... you have no choice but to bury the desire.
Otherwise, you'll be "looking for a slice of cake" from someone outside the marriage and living a life of sin by desiring sex with others which is sinful lust and this can easily lead to the actual act.
Otherwise, you'll be "looking for a slice of cake" from someone outside the marriage and living a life of sin by desiring sex with others which is sinful lust and this can easily lead to the actual act.
Thanks, that's what I'm trying to get across. We aren't supposed to let any fleshy desires control our thoughts or guide our steps. Question here, what if you succumb to the charms of a narcissist? After you get married they end up being completely self serving and your needs are never met. They just have you jumping through endless hoops and use their sex as a currency in the marriage to get their way. It's obviously not an ideal situation but I think it's more common then you would expect. Now you are either going to be a slave for sexual satisfaction, get a divorce, or refuse to play the game (gain mastery over your desires).