Thank you, everyone, for your replies. It looks like life can be unfair if we don't make sure to fend for ourselves and get our needs met too. You're right, most people think only of themselves but there are people who know how to make their needs known and get their needs fulfilled by others. I think those who are naturally givers need to know how to be takers too. The question is how to do this in a gentle and loving way that befits our personality. Any suggestions, anyone?
Being taken for granted?
- Thread starter seapanda
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Thank you, Galatea. I wish more people are like you. I find it so hard to reach out to them, and when I do, their responses often hurt more than soothe. All I want is for people to be more considerate. A colleague said to me, just last week, that the problem with me is that I care, and people take advantage of that. Really? Caring is a bad thing? Oh, wow.
All marriages need continuous growth and change along the way - it's a positive thing and not a negative. True communication seems to be one of the most difficult things to do and yet it's the very thing that makes the marriage work so well.
The next time something comes up you could use it as beginning for change. For instance when you wanted to buy that red sports car, you could have offered what you want, but then ask for input from your wife and daughter and mention that you'd like to do what will please all of you as a family so that there's compromise on both parts and you end up buying something that everyone will be able to enjoy.
The more things end up with what will please all of us, they'll begin to think that way and see that we must consider everyone and not just self.
D
Actually, I was proud for Dad. He spent most of his younger life raising the money to support his family and to give us the money needed to go to school. (Didn't work out, but that's okay. He tried.) So, yay! He could finally do something for himself, just because he wanted to.
And, yeah, motorcycle scared me to death, because it could have been far worse than that. I cringed every time I heard he took another ride on it. (I was out of the house by then.) But, he's a grown man. I'm his daughter, not his wife. Not his mom. I know my place, and I never told Dad what he has to do, until dementia hit, and he had to get out of that house before he killed himself. (At which time, I had to become his mom.)
As for hubby? We're fine, because we do talk stuff out. and because we talk stuff out, he knows exactly where my hair will rise if he does something and I know what will make his hair rise, so we talk. And we talk because we appreciate each other and do not assume it's all about personal gain/adulation. We do not assume. We ask!
There is no telepathy, so the only way anyone knows what someone else is thinking is to ask. And, since the only ones I care to know what they're thinking are friends and family, I took you at your word with the red sports car really being a red sports car.
And, unlike you, I told you what my thinking was, not what you were thinking. Might want to try that along with simply asking instead of assuming. Because, man! You're bad with assuming.
And, yeah, motorcycle scared me to death, because it could have been far worse than that. I cringed every time I heard he took another ride on it. (I was out of the house by then.) But, he's a grown man. I'm his daughter, not his wife. Not his mom. I know my place, and I never told Dad what he has to do, until dementia hit, and he had to get out of that house before he killed himself. (At which time, I had to become his mom.)
As for hubby? We're fine, because we do talk stuff out. and because we talk stuff out, he knows exactly where my hair will rise if he does something and I know what will make his hair rise, so we talk. And we talk because we appreciate each other and do not assume it's all about personal gain/adulation. We do not assume. We ask!
There is no telepathy, so the only way anyone knows what someone else is thinking is to ask. And, since the only ones I care to know what they're thinking are friends and family, I took you at your word with the red sports car really being a red sports car.
And, unlike you, I told you what my thinking was, not what you were thinking. Might want to try that along with simply asking instead of assuming. Because, man! You're bad with assuming.
D
I can show you how you don't do it in a gentle and loving way.
What you did wrong there was project onto me. And it was neither loving or gentle, but made into questions to soften the blow.
It doesn't work for you. If that's how you show love to your family, that could be the problem right there. (If. I don't know if you were using your usual method or trying something new, or something else.)
What you did wrong there was project onto me. And it was neither loving or gentle, but made into questions to soften the blow.
It doesn't work for you. If that's how you show love to your family, that could be the problem right there. (If. I don't know if you were using your usual method or trying something new, or something else.)
OK. It's not a red sports car. Having said that, you're right in saying just how difficult it is to have true communication even with, or especially with, people you love. I'm trying to do that and it seems like I have to blow my top before I get their attention. Fortunately, they responded well and we're better now. I do need to try and be more assertive. It's really hard. I don't know how to do it in a loving way. Maybe it's just about not caring what people might feel about what you want to say and just say it anyway. It's so hard for me. It's so much easier to give in.