Hi fubar I have just come across your cry find help.Mate I am very sorry that you are going through such a traumatic tine.As you can see from the response from the others that we do care about you mate regardless of what you have done to others and gods view towards you is exactly the same.
I have been in a situation over 20 years ago in terms of being in a bad way and I became suicidal and was actually living against my will yet I knew I couldn't kill myself because I was a christian and I know there is a hell and a heaven.I was going through a really really tough time and cried out to god but nothing changed and in fact things got a lot worse.At the time It seemed as though god wasn't there at all and despite my desperate cries to god to help....nothing changed.
I eventually got involved with the wrong crowd and descended into the world of drugs, mental illness,risks of being arrested,killed as well as the risk of violence and terrible satanic experience
I was in this situation for a while and what turned thing around was a situation where I should of been involved in a terrible car crash...but somehow god prevented it from happening.I knew god was pre warning me to repent and return to him or I was most definatley gonna die..Yet I was in such a bad way ..suffering mental illness and a lot of other terrible things going on...it took me about 20mins to choose gods way because I no longer trusted him.This was around 1994.
whats the point of telling you this????
my dear brother there are certain roads people have walked in life that others may not have walked..but belive me bro..I am living proof that miracles DO HAPPEN.Mentally I was in a bad way due to suffering mental illness and god knows the level of mental pressure you're going through.Yes you have hurt other people yes you are aware of what you belive could happen when others know about what's going on.
Brother the devil is a liar..there is hope for you and a way out.You may not have the emotional and mental strength to set yourself free.However almighty god (as you already know) has the power to deliver you and he Will give you the courage to forgive yourself (in time) -and he wants to break those strongholds that are crushing you.
This is a real situation and one of the key things here (other than us praying for you bro) is support from a local church near you that believes in the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the spirit??
You cannot fight this on your own and there must be somewhere where you can go and receive the necessary spiritual support via counselling..prayer and you being ready to confront the truth about yourself inorder to become the person you really want to be...