Desperate for marriage advice

[kellygreenmom]

Oh, it breaks my heart to read this. It sounds like becoming a mom really pushed you to be a better person. I can certainly relate. Are you walking with God most days at this point? Have you connected with a church family? As you know, we have free will in this world. We have free will to accept Jesus as our Savior or not...to walk with God in our daily lives or not....to put effort into our marriage or not....to quit smoking pot or not..... Have you considered getting christian marriage counseling for yourself? I wish I could tell you if you do A+B you will get C-him choosing to give up pot and seek counseling for porn...but life doesn't work that way. It is important that you can see clear boundaries in your marriage. I had to learn this concept of boundaries in relationships with a christian counselor. If you like to read there's an excellent book by Cloud and Townsend that addresses this. While you can't make him stop smoking pot, you can choose how you will proceed. The same goes for his porn problem. Focus on the Family has a hotline 1-855-382-5433 to talk with someone about your marriage difficulties. He/She will also give you resources and referrals to local counseling to you. Your marriage IS NOT hopeless. Nothing is with God! Your husband needs a mighty change that only God can do in him. I think you are at a point to start laying some lines in the sand and you will need some support and guidance as you do so. I'm certainly not talking divorce as only you can come to that point. I WILL pray for you and for your husband. I am hopeful that your husband allows God to work in him in a mighty way. If you want to talk further please do so.

 

[Mrskate80]

So almost 3 months later, arguing and bickering seem to be getting worse.
He is still lying to me about things he does, even if it doesn't have to do with pot.

Last week when we were arguing I said something about him leaving & he said that if he had somewhere to go that he would've already left. So.... That Sunday he was going to go talk to his parents, let them know what was going on & that he needed a place to stay for a while; come home & we were going to explain to our daughter that we since mommy & daddy have been arguing so much that he was going to go stay there for a little while.

On my way home from the store that afternoon with my kids I passed by one of his lifelong friends, who does nothing except smoke pot & what do ya know, he was there. They were leaving in my hubby truck "to get something to eat". When he got home that evening(like 3 hours later) he tried to mess with my head & first told me he did not smoke, then said he did.
I asked him why lie about it, he said, "Well, was i lying when I said I did, or when I said I didn't?"

I could see the smoke coming outta my head, lol. How manipulative is that?!
So get this... he is staying at the above mentioned friends dads camp house, which is not even 1/2 mile away from his friends.
He is hanging out with him now more than before! And with another couple(friends aunt& uncle) that live on same road & they too smoke.

He is saying that I can not control him & tell him that he can't talk to them because they are like his family...well my kids & myself ARE his family!! Don't get me wrong I know I can not control his behavior, nor do I want the burden, but I will not apologize for refusing to be lied to, mistreated and disrespected.
It's called standards, & I feel he can step up or step out.
It hurts, it really hurts. I don't want this! I scream it on the inside, but I am at my wits end.
Even not being here, he lies, saying he isn't hanging out with the guy.
I asked him to talk to the preacher with me, & he didn't like that idea.
What the heck do I do?!
He had another conversation with his mother & pretty much made fun of me saying that all he does is smoke "a little" pot no and then
He let her talk so ugly about me. Saying I was self centered & ungrateful to have him as a hubby.

 

[maverich]

7 years 4 dui's numerous dalliances, never hit my wife and strange as it may seem I Loved her then and I Love her now. my sit down drinkin 7 days a week double bourbons and bud chasers,
33 years of marriage come sept. We are hopelessly in Love. How did this happen.
my wife and her friend from 1991 through may of 1993 prayed daily and diligently for me
she also became the wife of proverbs 31, she became who she was meant to be, and placed me in the hands of the Lord. She Loved me drunk and she loved me sober, she loved me when strange numbers showed on the bill. she loved me when i spent every dime.
she in no way encouraged me and many the time i could see the disappointment written all over her face. I was a total mess and she loved me.
she got divorce papers the Lord told her to put them away and she did.
she was obedient to Jesus.
In May of 1993 in a bar at 10am Jesus said its time and he touched me.
In the ensuing years we grew as a couple and now we stand strong in what the Lord has done for us
If you love your husband give him to the Lord, not to the devil.

 

[Marymoobulldoze]

Our situations are similar, but I wasn't married. But I chose to stay, but I knew what he was doing on his phone ,but I'm weird, God will be the judge of that, not me. I had to learn that lesson. You do know that he has committed adultry is his heart ,right? And that, you can divorce. All I know is this, in my opinion, if your relationship isn't bring glory to God and is keeping you from growing in God, leave. You can't change him,no matter what you do. And just because your numb, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. You are hurting, your also moarning, because your husband is selfish and has alot of problems himself, and instead of getting help, he's making poor choices. Why be with someone you can't trust? Marriage has difficulties,yes, but it's suppose to be enjoyable as well. Full of God and full of love. Do you like the stress,,,, the having to have control that you think you have...?? All you can do is watch what he does... That's it. He doesn't want to change and you can't force him. You may physically, but heart wise. No. I think it's time to pray, and step out in faith, and let God lead you. And I can promise you ,it not staying in that situation. I will pray for you my dear. I am sorry. Also ,pray for your husband as well. Anything is possible with God. But I can tell you, if he's not willing, nothing will be done. And it's a heart change..that I'm talking about.

 

[DarkRose]

Sounds like a tough situation. If you asked him to leave, I don't see how IMO you can be upset that he's staying with his pot smoking friends. He obviously doesn't want to grow up and behave responsibly, but it seems that you've known that for a while now. You can't make people behave maturely; you can pray for him tho. Ultimately, you have no control over this situation, but fighting with him repeatedly about the same stuff over and over again, is going to accomplish nothing except make you more frustrated and him more defiant. If it were me, I'd change the locks.

 

[DerVille]

I agree with what others have said, you may need to separate from him. For your good and safety and for your child's as well. It sounds as though he has basically just abandoned you and the marriage to indulge himself only.

"[SUP]13 [/SUP]And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.[SUP]14 [/SUP]For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
[SUP]15 [/SUP]But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace."

It sounds as though your unbelieving husband has basically "departed" the marriage. It is dicey as to whether you can biblically divorce him and then re-marry, but for now at least just getting away from him and getting you and your child healthy and safe is the most important thing. I'll be honest, it is very RARE for those hooked on drugs to ever beat it. Most of the time it just destroys them and that is all they'll ever care about. While he is on drugs you shouldn't be with him nor your child.

 

[Mrskate80]

7 years 4 dui's numerous dalliances, never hit my wife and strange as it may seem I Loved her then and I Love her now. my sit down drinkin 7 days a week double bourbons and bud chasers,
33 years of marriage come sept. We are hopelessly in Love. How did this happen.
my wife and her friend from 1991 through may of 1993 prayed daily and diligently for me
she also became the wife of proverbs 31, she became who she was meant to be, and placed me in the hands of the Lord. She Loved me drunk and she loved me sober, she loved me when strange numbers showed on the bill. she loved me when i spent every dime.
she in no way encouraged me and many the time i could see the disappointment written all over her face. I was a total mess and she loved me.
she got divorce papers the Lord told her to put them away and she did.
she was obedient to Jesus.
In May of 1993 in a bar at 10am Jesus said its time and he touched me.
In the ensuing years we grew as a couple and now we stand strong in what the Lord has done for us
If you love your husband give him to the Lord, not to the devil.

Oh how your response makes me happy for you & want to cry at the same time!
When there are children in the home, and you dont want them exposed to this what do you do?
When he tells you that he isn't going to/ cant be the man I want him to be, what do you do?
It is breaking my heart to think of not living my life with him, but the hurt he has put on me is so great.

The words he and his mother spoke to each other about me hurt so badly. They talked about me so viciously, laughing about me. Saying that I must be bi-polar or something, because of my mood swings. I am not saying I have never been wrong in my actions, but I have never not apologized for them. He does not even see anything wrong with what he does.

When I find a weed pipe in the vehicle after he has dropped my child off at school & I was staying in the hospital with our 4 month old.
When he left to go to his grandmothers & came home high, my son was 1 week old. I looked in his truck that night to see if he had any weed and there was a bag about the size of my fist under his front seat. He had told me he saw a friend when he was leaving his grandmothers and he hit a joint he had a couple of times.

I know what you are saying, but when someone is bringing something illegal into your home or potentially exposing your children to it, or to witnessing them get searched by the police because they smelled it, what other choice do you have???

 

[Mrskate80]

Thank you. I know what you mean it is dicey, but I just don't know what else to do.
He belittles my feelings about it, and since he has left the house I do not see any good change. All I see is him hanging out more with the friends that smoke pot.

He minimizes what he is doing. He says that he is not a pot head and doesn't do it all the time, & i am like, "hello, people that do not smoke pot all the time, don't ride around with a pipe in there vehicle!!"

 

[DarkRose]

Thank you. I know what you mean it is dicey, but I just don't know what else to do.
He belittles my feelings about it, and since he has left the house I do not see any good change. All I see is him hanging out more with the friends that smoke pot.

He minimizes what he is doing. He says that he is not a pot head and doesn't do it all the time, & i am like, "hello, people that do not smoke pot all the time, don't ride around with a pipe in there vehicle!!"

Youre right. They don't.
dont let him convince you otherwise.
He's being a douche. It's not you on fix this, but maybe it's on you to put an end to it.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I hate to be so blunt, but he's made it obvious that he doesn't give a crud about you or the kids. So why you're still subjecting yourself and them to his abuse, is beyond my understanding.. It's 3 months later, he's still smoking weed and who know what else, he's still lying to you and treating you like a door mat. You say things are worse.. Cut him loose, let God deal with him, and do what's right for your kids. This situation is toxic for all involved..

Thank you. I know what you mean it is dicey, but I just don't know what else to do.
He belittles my feelings about it, and since he has left the house I do not see any good change. All I see is him hanging out more with the friends that smoke pot.

He minimizes what he is doing. He says that he is not a pot head and doesn't do it all the time, & i am like, "hello, people that do not smoke pot all the time, don't ride around with a pipe in there vehicle!!"

 

[blue_ladybug]

He's obviously made his choice. He's an addict, but denies it and won't seek treatment or counseling. You need to let him go, and do what's best for you.. I feel sorry that he is such a louse to you and the kids. He doesn't deserve them..Get out now and go for full custody. He is a totally unfit father and a danger to his kids. He's doing more harm to them by letting them see him like this..

Maybe, MAYBE, if he loses everything, it'll force him to get clean and seek help.

Thank you. I know what you mean it is dicey, but I just don't know what else to do.
He belittles my feelings about it, and since he has left the house I do not see any good change. All I see is him hanging out more with the friends that smoke pot.

He minimizes what he is doing. He says that he is not a pot head and doesn't do it all the time, & i am like, "hello, people that do not smoke pot all the time, don't ride around with a pipe in there vehicle!!"

 

[blue_ladybug]

That last part about what choice do you have, if he's bringing home drugs and exposing the kids to it..ummm HELLO!! If CPS gets called on you, they will take away your kids and declare you BOTH unfit parents, on the basis that he's a drug addict and that YOU allowed the exposure to happen.. You found the drugs so obviously you know they're there..and the cops know that they're there.. plus you found a pipe in the car where your child was.. so what are you waiting for? CPS to get a warrant to come and take your kids because they're unsafe around either one of you?

Oh how your response makes me happy for you & want to cry at the same time!
When there are children in the home, and you dont want them exposed to this what do you do?
When he tells you that he isn't going to/ cant be the man I want him to be, what do you do?
It is breaking my heart to think of not living my life with him, but the hurt he has put on me is so great.

The words he and his mother spoke to each other about me hurt so badly. They talked about me so viciously, laughing about me. Saying that I must be bi-polar or something, because of my mood swings. I am not saying I have never been wrong in my actions, but I have never not apologized for them. He does not even see anything wrong with what he does.

When I find a weed pipe in the vehicle after he has dropped my child off at school & I was staying in the hospital with our 4 month old.
When he left to go to his grandmothers & came home high, my son was 1 week old. I looked in his truck that night to see if he had any weed and there was a bag about the size of my fist under his front seat. He had told me he saw a friend when he was leaving his grandmothers and he hit a joint he had a couple of times.

I know what you are saying, but when someone is bringing something illegal into your home or potentially exposing your children to it, or to witnessing them get searched by the police because they smelled it, what other choice do you have???

 

[Mrskate80]

Thanks Ladybug

 

[blue_ladybug]

I agree. Change all the locks so he can't get in. He prefers to be with his pothead friends anyway, so let him shack up with them..

Sounds like a tough situation. If you asked him to leave, I don't see how IMO you can be upset that he's staying with his pot smoking friends. He obviously doesn't want to grow up and behave responsibly, but it seems that you've known that for a while now. You can't make people behave maturely; you can pray for him tho. Ultimately, you have no control over this situation, but fighting with him repeatedly about the same stuff over and over again, is going to accomplish nothing except make you more frustrated and him more defiant. If it were me, I'd change the locks.

 

[Mrskate80]

I am seeing my lawyer today
hopefully i can make it to where he must submit to drug screening every month. IDK since I dont have any physical proof of any drug use

 

[blue_ladybug]

Don't roll your eyes. It very well could happen, especially since CPS works very closely with police departments..

Thanks Ladybug

 

[blue_ladybug]

You say you have found pipes in his vehicle. That he has hid drugs in your house and that the police searched him because they could smell it. Of course you have proof, get a copy of the police report.. Tell your lawyer he comes home high alot and is out constantly with his pot head buddies...

If he refuses to do drug screening, they will FORCE him to, via court order and if he violates, goes to jail..

I am seeing my lawyer today
hopefully i can make it to where he must submit to drug screening every month. IDK since I dont have any physical proof of any drug use

 

[blue_ladybug]

And as extra proof, show your lawyer copies of everything you have posted here, that hubby has done and is still doing..

You say you have found pipes in his vehicle. That he has hid drugs in your house and that the police searched him because they could smell it. Of course you have proof, get a copy of the police report.. Tell your lawyer he comes home high alot and is out constantly with his pot head buddies...

If he refuses to do drug screening, they will FORCE him to, via court order and if he violates, goes to jail..

 

[Mrskate80]

Don't roll your eyes. It very well could happen, especially since CPS works very closely with police departments..

Oh Gosh I did NOT mean to roll my eyes, lol
I meant to use the little smiley one

 

[Mrskate80]

Right if he has nothing to hide, then he should have no problem taking them

He got mad because I told told my pastor why I was seeking the divorce!
Like really, I am supposed to be okay with it, but You dont want anyone else to know!?

And he didn't get searched by the cops, sorry if I made it sound like that. I was just using that as an example of what could happen when my children are with him