Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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T

toinena

Guest
Well. I am never left handed.

My stream of counciousness now is that I would like to lose some counciousness and get some sleep. And somehow hope that a light bulb moment might take place. But perhaps I should be councious then...
 
May 25, 2015
6,149
850
113
Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.


Today, my heart is breaking.


After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.


To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.


With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.


There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.


I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.


My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.


My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.


I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).


I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.


My heart is breaking.


My heart is sad.
 

Pipp

Majestic Llamacorn
Sep 17, 2013
5,542
2,721
113
Georgia
Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.


Today, my heart is breaking.


After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.


To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.


With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.


There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.


I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.


My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.


My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.


I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).


I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.


My heart is breaking.


My heart is sad.
Sad situation. I'll be praying for you
 
T

toinena

Guest
Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.


Today, my heart is breaking.


After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.


To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.


With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.


There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.


I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.


My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.


My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.


I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).


I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.


My heart is breaking.


My heart is sad.
I will pray for healing and restoration. This was heartbreaking to read and I see you are troubled. Lean on God. You need time to heal and to build yourself up again. God will help you through this. You seem to have good friends to support you. That is a true blessing. You need to get free from the bondage the physical abuse has caused you. God will help you with that.
 

christian74

Senior Member
Oct 1, 2013
594
282
63
Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.


Today, my heart is breaking.


After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.


To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.


With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.


There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.


I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.


My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.


My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.


I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).


I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.


My heart is breaking.


My heart is sad.

Psalm 56:8 says, "You have...put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"
He knows every single drop of tears you've shed and He knows what you are going through.
I can't even imagine.. can't even find the right word.. but may God be with you and protect you wherever you go.
Be strong and take courage.
 
May 25, 2015
6,149
850
113
Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.


Today, my heart is breaking.


After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.


To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.


With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.


There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.


I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.


My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.


My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.


I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).


I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.


My heart is breaking.


My heart is sad.
I'm actually going to post this in prayer requests too. For the ones who have responded, your responses have made me tear up <3
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
Shine, All I'm going to say is that your a very brave young woman. Do what you need to do for your mental health. Pray for your family and just leave it in God's hands. And if you ever need to talk, just message me.

Hugs sweetie.
Today, I finally came to my place after a weekend of festivities with my friends and went to bed to cry.


Today, my heart is breaking.


After much discussion and after lots of prayer and seeking God and getting counsel from mentors and close friends, I am breaking ties with my parents.


To those who don’t know (actually, I think only two of you know because I do not discuss this with anyone)….I went through severe physical abuse done by my father for 11 years. To this day, the abuse is no longer physical but it is under control and making me feel guilty. There have been a few instances where my Dad has tried fighting me again the past few years, and I would tell him that I’m no longer going to let him lay his hands on me without me calling the police.


With that said, I am close to my brothers. So. Close. But, everyone has been blinded by the abuse. My mother and my brothers both have seen this abuse and even though God has restored things with my brothers, my Mom let things happen and blamed me every time my Dad would either punch me in the face…among other things.


There was a retirement dinner for my Mom today. A surprise one. I came home from my camping trip with friends, showered, put on makeup, and got a dress on. I went, socialized, was there for about an hour and a half and then started noticing the same old feelings of sadness wash over me.


I don’t usually feel sad, nor rejected, or like a black sheep. But going to a place where I am ignored, I’m just done. I decided to leave.


My mom tried talking to me about it, but I just politely refused and said, “I just need to go. So excited for your retirement and happy retirement! We’re all so happy for you.” I turned to my brother and tried waving and saying goodbye, and he shifted his eyes away from me and didn’t say anything to me.


My heart is breaking. I’m so scared of losing my relationship with my brothers. Not all of you might agree, but you don’t know all the details or the things that happened and continue to happen. I’ve never took care of myself.


I’m breaking ties for me to heal and for me to take care of myself. But, I’m scared of losing my relationship with Derek (my older brother) and youngest brother (Devon).


I’m crying in my bed, about to get ready to go out because I just can’t be by myself.


My heart is breaking.


My heart is sad.
 
Z
I just started the process of this myself for much of the same reasons. I entered counsel because I have no one when all is over
If you're in need of someone who can identify, maybe I can and be of some support..

Sorry to hear you're hurting. I'll add you in my prayers
I'm actually going to post this in prayer requests too. For the ones who have responded, your responses have made me tear up <3
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
One of the pics posted on FB. I go down this way all the time when I go from my work to visit my mom's.

 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
Also, I'm getting cabin fever, so if you are in a nice and dry place, just be warned I maybe visiting in the next few days.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,379
9,387
113
Come on over. We'll leave a light on for ya. Don't worry about the dog, he's more scared of you than you could possibly be of him. He might lick you to death though.
 
M

missy2014

Guest
I will pray for healing and restoration. This was heartbreaking to read and I see you are troubled. Lean on God. You need time to heal and to build yourself up again. God will help you through this. You seem to have good friends to support you. That is a true blessing. You need to get free from the bondage the physical abuse has caused you. God will help you with that.
these are great things said the responses coming from people reread them shiney and keep getting help from those in your community who can help reread them till they sink deep in your Spirit let them be great encouragement to you dont give up Shiney youre a fighter thankyou for all the humour and funniness youve shared God's got you hes got great plans for you thankyou for opening up its not fun nor nice facing the negative yuckness of the some things in life i pray declare hope you will see God's hope and realise hes at work in all this God bless you beautiful sis youve beautiful in him go over the verses. im glad you came to that point of opening up and getting help. praying for friends who can help you along God's healing journey with you. :) this will get better there is a future for you itll take time to heal and its not easy
 
T

toinena

Guest
Sitting on the commuting train after lectures. Listening to worship on my phone and counting my blessings. Life is actually quite good. And God is amazing ❤️
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
On my way. Tennessee here I come.
Come on over. We'll leave a light on for ya. Don't worry about the dog, he's more scared of you than you could possibly be of him. He might lick you to death though.
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
Zi, if you also need someone to talk to, message me.
I just started the process of this myself for much of the same reasons. I entered counsel because I have no one when all is over
If you're in need of someone who can identify, maybe I can and be of some support..

Sorry to hear you're hurting. I'll add you in my prayers
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
I'm so glad that supper tonight is left-overs. I don't have the energy or motivation to put together a new meal tonight. I'm getting so tired of shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up that I could spit.
 
T

toinena

Guest
I'm so glad that supper tonight is left-overs. I don't have the energy or motivation to put together a new meal tonight. I'm getting so tired of shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up that I could spit.
I hate cooking for myself. What's the point. I cook one meal and eat it the three next days. I miss a husband to cook for.... perhaps i should put an add in the local newspaper: Dinner served for potential spouse Wednesday at 5 pm. The menu this week is Lasagna and applepie and ice cream for desert. Please send your application to my name@my email.com by Tuesday 10 pm
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
I hate cooking for myself. What's the point. I cook one meal and eat it the three next days. I miss a husband to cook for.... perhaps i should put an add in the local newspaper: Dinner served for potential spouse Wednesday at 5 pm. The menu this week is Lasagna and applepie and ice cream for desert. Please send your application to my name@my email.com by Tuesday 10 pm
If it weren't for the fact that I have somebody to cook for, I wouldn't do it. I am extremely skilled as a cook, but it's a task I loathe to do. It's a monumental waste of my time and energy.
 

rachelsedge

Senior Member
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
81
48
34
How do some girls look so cute working out? They've got their cute messy bun, lightly sweating, rosy cheeks.

Then there's me, and I look like someone threw a balloon filled with red paint at my face, dunked me in water, and then instructed a rat to build their nest in my hair.

One of the many reasons I exercise alone.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,379
9,387
113
And people wonder why I never exercise.