Christian jokes
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Sweetmorningdew78
Guest
As the storm raged the Captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward "Aye,I know how to pray." "Good" said the Captain, You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets —we're one short "
(Not mine,I read somewhere
)
One man stepped forward "Aye,I know how to pray." "Good" said the Captain, You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets —we're one short "
(Not mine,I read somewhere
)
J
joefizz
Guest
What was the first sign that people thought of cows as a necessity?
When they made a golden calf that they thought looked pretty good but couldn't stomach it.
Wait a minute how many plagues were there hmmm about 13 you say,strange I thought the people of the world were plagued with stupidity considering how many times in the bible they went against God!
When they made a golden calf that they thought looked pretty good but couldn't stomach it.
Wait a minute how many plagues were there hmmm about 13 you say,strange I thought the people of the world were plagued with stupidity considering how many times in the bible they went against God!
A man goes skydiving by himself for the first time after months of doing it in tandem with an expert. He jumps from the plane, counts to ten and then pulls the cord. Nothing. He thinks, "no biggie, I have an emergency parachute, too." So he pulls that cord and nothing. So, as he is falling towards the earth, he meets a man travelling skyward. He cups his hands and yells at the man, "Hey!! Do you know anything about parachutes?!?!" The other guy cups his hands to his mouth and yells back, "No!! Do you know anything about gas stoves?!?!?!"
A rich man who was near death was grieved that all the wealth he had worked so hard for in his lifetime would be left behind. So he began praying fervently that he would be able to take some of his wealth with him to Heaven. An angel heard his plea and appeared, "Sorry, but that's the rule. You can't take your wealth with you."
The man implored the angel to speak to God on his behalf, and perhaps bend the rules just this once. After a time the angel reappeared, and informed the man that God had decided to let him bring one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man filled his largest suitcase with bars of pure gold, and placed it at the foot of his bed.
Upon his death that very night, the man appeared at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter, greeted him saying, "Welcome! But hold on just a minute. You can't bring that suitcase in here with you!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission to bring one suitcase, and asked him to verify it with the Lord. St. Peter told him to wait a minute, and disappeared. A moment later St. Peter reappeared and said, "Sure enough, you are allowed to bring one carry-on bag. But I'll have to check its contents before letting you through."
Peter opened the man's suitcase, and upon seeing the gold bars, exclaimed, "You brought pavement?!?!"
The man implored the angel to speak to God on his behalf, and perhaps bend the rules just this once. After a time the angel reappeared, and informed the man that God had decided to let him bring one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man filled his largest suitcase with bars of pure gold, and placed it at the foot of his bed.
Upon his death that very night, the man appeared at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter, greeted him saying, "Welcome! But hold on just a minute. You can't bring that suitcase in here with you!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission to bring one suitcase, and asked him to verify it with the Lord. St. Peter told him to wait a minute, and disappeared. A moment later St. Peter reappeared and said, "Sure enough, you are allowed to bring one carry-on bag. But I'll have to check its contents before letting you through."
Peter opened the man's suitcase, and upon seeing the gold bars, exclaimed, "You brought pavement?!?!"
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Sweetmorningdew78
Guest
Prayer request
Pastor : "Any prayer request"?
Me: "Pastor, please pray for my future husband" I am worried about him".
Pastor: Why?
Me: Because He Hasn't found me yet
(I just read this somewhere...not mine)
Meanwhile, at the St. Mary's blessed virgin school for girls, Sister Mary Catherine is with a class of 5th graders.
Mary Catherine ask the class "Can you all tell me what you would like to be when you grow up?"
Little Sarah speaks up "I want to be a doctor."
Mary Catherine " May the Lord bless you with the ability to heal the sick."
Little Maryanne says "I want to be an architect. "
Mary Catherine replies " May your work always rest on the foundation of the Lord."
Little Susie shouts out " I want to be a prostitute!"
Upon hearing this, poor Sister Mary Catherine faints instantly. When Sister Mary Catherine comes to, she looks at little Susie, and ask "What did you say you wanted to be when you grow up?"
Little Susie repeats " I want to be a prostitute."
Sister Mary Catherine responds " Oh thank goodness, I thought for a moment, you said you wanted to be a protestant. "
Mary Catherine ask the class "Can you all tell me what you would like to be when you grow up?"
Little Sarah speaks up "I want to be a doctor."
Mary Catherine " May the Lord bless you with the ability to heal the sick."
Little Maryanne says "I want to be an architect. "
Mary Catherine replies " May your work always rest on the foundation of the Lord."
Little Susie shouts out " I want to be a prostitute!"
Upon hearing this, poor Sister Mary Catherine faints instantly. When Sister Mary Catherine comes to, she looks at little Susie, and ask "What did you say you wanted to be when you grow up?"
Little Susie repeats " I want to be a prostitute."
Sister Mary Catherine responds " Oh thank goodness, I thought for a moment, you said you wanted to be a protestant. "
In related news I would like to request prayer for my wife.Prayer request
Pastor : "Any prayer request"?
Me: "Pastor, please pray for my future husband" I am worried about him".
Pastor: Why?
Me: Because He Hasn't found me yet
Re: Jokes
I can sing, dance, tell jokes, council, do impersonations, cook, clean do laundry, Operate heavy equipment, I can do everything except find a date for Friday night and someone who will pay me to work.
You'll notice that the Bloods gang colour is red like the Liberals, and the Crypts gang is blue like the Conservatives,
Politics is really just a legalized form of organized crime.
Why I am fit for the army, is because Brantford taught me urban war survival and ODSP taught me to survive with lousey living conditions and crappy pay. Plus the Government pays for my heavy equipment training so why can't they pay me to work? all I am missing is the uniform and the paid vacation.
Definition of Politics = welfare for the wealthy
Difference between Liberal taxes and Moffia taxes? nothing both are extortion it's just the fact one is legal and the other isn't.
How do you know the Chinese are festive people? When you go to China town and ask for Mr. Woo they all go Woo Who.
Did you hear about the Comedian gangsters that held up a police station? I heard the police died laughing.
Did you hear about the math teacher who became a Christian? His favorite command is Be fruitful and multiply.
The book that inspired Tim Horton to start a coffee shop was Hebrews.
How many Jokes could a Joker Joke if a Joker could Joke Jokes? (say that ten times fast)
Did you hear about the Hebrews Isaiah and Daniel? They're on an Exodus to discover Revelations.
If God Judges by his word and his word contains 66 books in 1, then when He throws the book at the guilty on Judgement day, does He throw one book or all 66 books at once? Would you rather get hit with an Exodus through the desert 40 years or a complete Revelation?
I can sing, dance, tell jokes, council, do impersonations, cook, clean do laundry, Operate heavy equipment, I can do everything except find a date for Friday night and someone who will pay me to work.
You'll notice that the Bloods gang colour is red like the Liberals, and the Crypts gang is blue like the Conservatives,
Politics is really just a legalized form of organized crime.
Why I am fit for the army, is because Brantford taught me urban war survival and ODSP taught me to survive with lousey living conditions and crappy pay. Plus the Government pays for my heavy equipment training so why can't they pay me to work? all I am missing is the uniform and the paid vacation.
Definition of Politics = welfare for the wealthy
Difference between Liberal taxes and Moffia taxes? nothing both are extortion it's just the fact one is legal and the other isn't.
How do you know the Chinese are festive people? When you go to China town and ask for Mr. Woo they all go Woo Who.
Did you hear about the Comedian gangsters that held up a police station? I heard the police died laughing.
Did you hear about the math teacher who became a Christian? His favorite command is Be fruitful and multiply.
The book that inspired Tim Horton to start a coffee shop was Hebrews.
How many Jokes could a Joker Joke if a Joker could Joke Jokes? (say that ten times fast)
Did you hear about the Hebrews Isaiah and Daniel? They're on an Exodus to discover Revelations.
If God Judges by his word and his word contains 66 books in 1, then when He throws the book at the guilty on Judgement day, does He throw one book or all 66 books at once? Would you rather get hit with an Exodus through the desert 40 years or a complete Revelation?
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HENOG
Guest
Some of you might know that in the pietistic movement and also in South-African Pentecostal churches of the early 1900's many things were not only frowned upon but also strictly forbidden. For example, smoking, drinking alcohol and dancing. With regards to dancing the joke went around that Pastors very much advice the married couples not to have sex in a standing position because it could lead to dancing. 
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HENOG
Guest
Talking about prostitutes. Have you heard what really happened with the adulteress woman who was brought to Jesus shortly before she was suppose to be stoned?
Well according to some very old manuscripts in the Vatican:
Jesus said: "He who is without sin casts the first stone."
People started leaving from the oldest to the youngest but then from behind Jesus a stone flew over His shoulder and hit the poor woman smack in the face.
Jesus turned around and said: "Aaaaaah MOTHER! Come on!"
