When is it ok to distance self from parent?

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Marbear87

New member
#1
Jun 17, 2018
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20
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#1
I grew up in a Christian family. My dad was and is a preacher. My mom died a year ago from cancer complications and just short of 35 years with my dad. Right after her death, however, my dad announced he was seeing someone else and it was serious. Come to find out, it was a woman he'd been seeing behind my mom's back for 10 years (a high school friend). She lived in another state and my dad would stop to see her and sometimes take her on trips to see my grandmother (his mom.) There is a lot of hurt that goes into this from many angles. In my opinion, my dad is being a hypocrite but he denies any wrongdoing. This lady is quick to tell me and my sister's were wrong for not accepting her. I feel guilty for needing to distance myself from my dad but at this point there is nothing but a toxic relationship that I don't need coming into my own family.
At this point, I've told my dad I don't agree with his decisions and while he can come around, I have no desire to see the other woman. As a result, my dad has been ignoring me and his grandkids while this lady blocks me on Facebook but emails me letters that I'm ruining her potential life with my dad. As a Christian, when is it ok to draw the line and not be disrespectful to my dad?
 
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whatev

Guest
#2
#2
Never.

Now you'll need to seek the Lord on how to remain respectful while disagreeing. Might I suggest reading about David's life when he disagreed with someone he respected? Saul!
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#3
Jun 30, 2015
25,465
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#3
Hello Marbear87,
I would recommend you borrow or acquire the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They are Christians and clinicians with lots of experience. The book shows how to deal with difficult relationships by establishing and enforcing relational boundaries. You can avoid disrespecting your father (though he and the gf might see it otherwise) and still be firm about your views.
You can also pray that God would bring appropriate conviction on them. Don't try to be God... let Him do it His way. You are under no obligation to accept his relationship with this woman, given its history, nor to extend forgiveness when there is no repentance. Forgive them in your heart though.
 
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Marbear87

New member
#4
Jun 17, 2018
13
20
3
#4
Dino246 said:
Hello Marbear87,
I would recommend you borrow or acquire the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They are Christians and clinicians with lots of experience. The book shows how to deal with difficult relationships by establishing and enforcing relational boundaries. You can avoid disrespecting your father (though he and the gf might see it otherwise) and still be firm about your views.
You can also pray that God would bring appropriate conviction on them. Don't try to be God... let Him do it His way. You are under no obligation to accept his relationship with this woman, given its history, nor to extend forgiveness when there is no repentance. Forgive them in your heart though.
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Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll look into it. It's been hard to sit back and let things be!
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#5
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
83
#5
Marbear87 said:
As a Christian, when is it ok to draw the line and not be disrespectful to my dad?
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Imo, its never okay to be disrespectful to your Dad... Deal with your anger and disappointment, your mom is gone now and your father has every right to move on and be happy.
 
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Marbear87

New member
#6
Jun 17, 2018
13
20
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#6
He can go on living a hypocritical life but I don't have to support it. Something called a healthy boundry.
 
Deade

Deade

Called of God
#7
Dec 17, 2017
16,724
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Vinita, Oklahoma, USA
yeshuaofisrael.org
#7
whatev said:
Never.

Now you'll need to seek the Lord on how to remain respectful while disagreeing. Might I suggest reading about David's life when he disagreed with someone he respected? Saul!
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David is not a good example of how to deal with a false and hypocritical Christian. The things her dad did goes against his Christian teachings and a preacher, no less. David was dealing the an anointed king, in his eyes. Different as night and day.

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Dan58 said:
Imo, its never okay to be disrespectful to your Dad... Deal with your anger and disappointment, your mom is gone now and your father has every right to move on and be happy.
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What about dad's respect for his child. If the OP okays the relationship it's the same as endorsing it. What her dad is doing is continuing an illicit relationship with no repentance. This is more than moving on.

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oldethennew

Banned
#9
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,974
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#9
when he learns how to respect others and not be just a 'me' person...

find your peace with your Maker, little one, He is our Blessed Comforter
through all of our trials and tribulations...
 
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Marbear87

New member
#12
Jun 17, 2018
13
20
3
#12
oldethennew said:
when he learns how to respect others and not be just a 'me' person...

find your peace with your Maker, little one, He is our Blessed Comforter
through all of our trials and tribulations...
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I've come to see how much of a saint my mother was, she kept her girls from seeing how selfish my dad is to the family. But he'd give his last dollar to a stranger in need...
 
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whatev

Guest
#13
#13
Marbear87 said:
He can go on living a hypocritical life but I don't have to support it. Something called a healthy boundry.
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Biblically speaking, would you like to show me what "healthy boundry" means?

There are many things the world teaches that the Bible does not.

As for hypocrisy? Can't that also be defined as someone claiming the high road on "Honor your mother and father" while doing everything but?

I see both sides having specks and logs in their eyes.
 
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whatev

Guest
#14
#14
Deade said:
David is not a good example of how to deal with a false and hypocritical Christian. The things her dad did goes against his Christian teachings and a preacher, no less. David was dealing the an anointed king, in his eyes. Different as night and day.

View attachment 184245


What about dad's respect for his child. If the OP okays the relationship it's the same as endorsing it. What her dad is doing is continuing an illicit relationship with no repentance. This is more than moving on.

View attachment 184246
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I consider the honor we're supposed to have for our parents as the same honor we're supposed to have for our king.

I'm fully aware what the father is doing is wrong, but it is not against his child. It is against his promises made to his wife, and to the promises made to the Lord. I also see no reason this has anything to do with respecting or disrespecting his daughter. And, even if it is about that, who are we that we should demand or seek respect?

My brother did the same thing to his ex-wife that this father did. Cheated on her. And then cheated to get out of the marriage. He remains my brother. I feel terrible for his ex-wife. (She is happily married to new guy now, so not as bad as I felt while it was happening, but she was so distraught worrying about her then-husbands actions that she feared he was becoming suicidal. He wasn't. He was feeling guilty from cheating, but not enough to quit cheating.)

He asked us to go to his second marriage. The purpose of going to a wedding is to witness the beginning of a godly partnership. We didn't go, because we disagreed it should have ever happened. Yet, he is still my brother.

And now she is my sister-in-law. Out of all the things that went terribly wrong in that relationship, it had nothing to do with disrespecting me. Nor did my actions have anything to do with respecting or disrespecting my brother. He's still my brother. The woman he cheated with is now my sister. And my nephews are now my nephews.

Maybe if we weren't so busy thinking of ourselves all the time, there would be more room to love. And to love those who it is hard to love -- family. If Jesus could love us enough to lower himself into human form, go through a very tough life, and do so triumphantly, even as he prayed for God's forgiveness to the very ones putting him into that pain of being hung by nails onto wood, knowing, all along that he was doing this for people who cheat on him, we'd have more room to forgive and love others in return, even in the midst of screwing up royally!
 
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Marbear87

New member
#15
Jun 17, 2018
13
20
3
#15
whatev said:
Biblically speaking, would you like to show me what "healthy boundry" means?

There are many things the world teaches that the Bible does not.

As for hypocrisy? Can't that also be defined as someone claiming the high road on "Honor your mother and father" while doing everything but?

I see both sides having specks and logs in their eyes.
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This isn't meant to be an argument. You haven't the slightest idea how real this struggle is for me, nor do you know all the details. I'm not claiming to take the high road. In fact I feel pretty crappy. I can honor my father without being present in his daily life. I'm honoring him currently by not exposing him to his entire church which he stands in front of each Sunday, lying about his own life. That isn't my place. A healthy boundry is allowing myself some distance from being hurt. I'm allowed to walk away from irresponsible behavior.
 
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Marbear87

New member
#16
Jun 17, 2018
13
20
3
#16
whatev said:
I consider the honor we're supposed to have for our parents as the same honor we're supposed to have for our king.

I'm fully aware what the father is doing is wrong, but it is not against his child. It is against his promises made to his wife, and to the promises made to the Lord. I also see no reason this has anything to do with respecting or disrespecting his daughter. And, even if it is about that, who are we that we should demand or seek respect?

My brother did the same thing to his ex-wife that this father did. Cheated on her. And then cheated to get out of the marriage. He remains my brother. I feel terrible for his ex-wife. (She is happily married to new guy now, so not as bad as I felt while it was happening, but she was so distraught worrying about her then-husbands actions that she feared he was becoming suicidal. He wasn't. He was feeling guilty from cheating, but not enough to quit cheating.)

He asked us to go to his second marriage. The purpose of going to a wedding is to witness the beginning of a godly partnership. We didn't go, because we disagreed it should have ever happened. Yet, he is still my brother.

And now she is my sister-in-law. Out of all the things that went terribly wrong in that relationship, it had nothing to do with disrespecting me. Nor did my actions have anything to do with respecting or disrespecting my brother. He's still my brother. The woman he cheated with is now my sister. And my nephews are now my nephews.

Maybe if we weren't so busy thinking of ourselves all the time, there would be more room to love. And to love those who it is hard to love -- family. If Jesus could love us enough to lower himself into human form, go through a very tough life, and do so triumphantly, even as he prayed for God's forgiveness to the very ones putting him into that pain of being hung by nails onto wood, knowing, all along that he was doing this for people who cheat on him, we'd have more room to forgive and love others in return, even in the midst of screwing up royally!
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Like I said, you don't have all the details of this situation and it goes sooooooooooo much deeper than I've shared. But if you must know...
- my dad used visiting me (in ohio, him in Missouri) to visit his mistress (also in ohio) telling everyone he was visiting my family but he'd stay for 12 hours or less as a pit stop and spend the rest of his trip with the other woman in secret. 10 years this happened.
- he would tell my mom about his trips last minute so she wouldn't be able to get off work in time to go
- he had a whole other community thinking the mistress was his wife
- he was late to walk me down the isle because he had a "migrane" that delayed him but later the mistress told me she was really the one delaying him
- he spent my mother's last moments texting the mistress at my mother's bedside
- he left the day after the funeral to visit the mistress and hasn't stopped since. Despite legit concerns from all of his family.
-hes currently lying to an entire community that they reconnected after my mom's death. No one knows about the 10 years (yet I have all of it documented in a nasty letter from the mistress who IS DEMANDING MY RESPECT.

So now you have a few more of the details this might not be such an attack on me.
 
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whatev

Guest
#17
#17
Lord, I ask that you break through into Mar's life to follow the real you, instead of the modern version of you. I ask that you overwhelm her with your love and redemption in such a way that it changes her life to you. Surprise her the same way you surprised Paul, and help her to receive your love in such a way that she sees real answers to her problems, instead of the answers she wants. Let your love overflow onto her to the point it has to be passed on to even those that hurt her.

For your glory and love, in Jesus' name. Amen.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#18
May 17, 2013
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#18
Well God does not approve of this kind of behavior.

Two wrongs never make a right.

Does the church where he preaches know about his conduct?

My concerns would be over him making things right with the Lord.

You will not need to be concerned about separation if you provide him with biblical reasons for him to come clean about what he has done. Scripture says that you can be sure that your sin will find you out. One day all will be made manifest. Nothing is hidden from God.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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Marbear87

New member
#19
Jun 17, 2018
13
20
3
#19
notuptome said:
Well God does not approve of this kind of behavior.

Two wrongs never make a right.

Does the church where he preaches know about his conduct?

My concerns would be over him making things right with the Lord.

You will not need to be concerned about separation if you provide him with biblical reasons for him to come clean about what he has done. Scripture says that you can be sure that your sin will find you out. One day all will be made manifest. Nothing is hidden from God.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
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No, the church does not know the truth. He says he's repented in his own ways, which is totally upto him. I'm not trying to control that. But I just don't see it. Especially when he allows this woman to be nasty toward his own kids.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#20
May 17, 2013
15,050
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#20
Marbear87 said:
No, the church does not know the truth. He says he's repented in his own ways, which is totally upto him. I'm not trying to control that. But I just don't see it. Especially when he allows this woman to be nasty toward his own kids.
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Well scripture does say that your sin will find you out so he has something coming his way directly from God.

Nu 32:23 But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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