Please pray. I love my life! Yet struggling with singleness although it is getting better

[Mayflowe]

42. Never been married. Don't know if I'll ever have the chance. It just works that way for some people.

Thank you. Yes, there is a growing number of people having that experience at the moment and I think it is realistic to think in that way.

 

[Mayflowe]

This is a great, heartfelt post, and it echoed my own emotions in a lot of ways. You're definitely not alone in this struggle.

At church, I am the unofficial head nanny, and I love spending time with the kids just as much as they love playing with me. As we got more children into the church (we went from zero to a small horde in about a year), I thought some of my ache for a family of my own would go away. I think it just increased it. Every week I see young couples interacting together and with their children; I get to teach, pray for, and cuddle little ones. It's a beautiful experience. Something I wouldn't give up for worlds, yet...I come home from church absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep on Sunday nights from sheer emotional pain so tangible it feels like a presence. I want to be married! I want to have a family! And I'm not, and I don't.

This is not my normal state of mind. Like you said, life is very sweet. God is good and He is able to sustain. He will never leave or forsake his own. Recently, with my older sister reaching forty and no prospect of marriage (even though she's had the desire to raise a family and has been praying about it since she was a young teenager), I have finally come to grips with the fact that I may never marry. I have accepted that and am at least cognizantly ok with it. I am living the single life and enjoying it! My emotions, on the other hand, are still a work in progress, and the discontent often resurfaces if I let my guard down.

When I came to grips with the fact that I might never marry, I felt I was finally able to truly pray that God's will would be done. That's not to say that I don't remind God of my desire to be married, or share with him my struggles with contentment, but I'm finally OK with him being in control. That, in my life, was HUGE!

I don't think there is anything wrong with having intense desires for something in life. It becomes wrong when you want it above God's will, with an idolatrous passion, or with feelings of envy towards your neighbor or discontent with your own lot.

I will be praying for you, dear sister! God has a perfect plan for your life--your singleness, your possible marriage, even the desires and pain you are going through now. They're all part of his plan, and nothing can happen outside of it.

Ok well...long post and I get to the end of it and realize I didn't even answer your questions or give any advice! Sorry about that!

Hi Tinuviel,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for your heartfelt response. Yes, we are not alone I understand so much of what you are saying too! E.g., the "nanny" experience. I don't think people always understand how emotionally and mentally tiring activities at Church can be so exhausting, so true. I am very sorry to hear that. I hope you are also looking after and nurturing yourself as needed.

I was thinking about when the daughter of some church brethren was a little girl, she was so sweet. I was sitting in the hall downstairs after church and the little girl came towards me (I think she was about 6 at the time) in a pretty dress that puffed out, but she tripped and she was so sensitive (like me so I identified with her) and I could tell that she was beginning to feel embarrassed and want to cry in front of people, so I got her into a huge hug before she fell and then chatted with her to cheer her up until she was ok... Precious moments. I saw her the other day, still a lovely girl, all grown up. She is so beautiful. I began to wish she was my daughter because I know I could have had one her age... but I despite the tears which rise up, I know I have to let go of that idea. The thing with other people's gorgeous kids is that we have to give them back! I might do some real deep confession before God later on in the night when my birth family members have gone to bed so they don't worry about me (still living at home). I understand what you mean about those alone moments when sometimes, the situation and those desires can come flooding back to you. For what it is worth and if you want them, [virtual hugs] for a very kind and special lady, providing an invaluable service which only God can understand and put a price on when we get to the other side of eternity.

Reread the next paragraph. Have you been reading my mind? Like you said, I am so happy most of the time too. sooooo very blessed. I have my Jesus and those who do not have Him just do not understand the blessing we have and the treasure contained in these earthen vessels. I was walking along road today, passed all the couples and children but I was feeling so blessed because in all of this I have what I ultimately need, which is my lovely Jesus: the best and most beautiful "Person" anyone could possibly have in their life. I realised that they do not know what they are missing. My emotions another matter on occasion, just as you have said. I am trusting God to strengthen me through the process of dealing with these things and I pray He does the same for you _/\_

I am so glad that you have reached a place of contentment and I am sure that this is appreciated by God who recognises the love you are showing through the sacrifice that you are willing to make. This is very instructional for me. I hope I have/can/will join you in this experience. Yes, I will learn to trust God more by His grace. I do believe it is possible to make marriage into an idol and I pray that I am not doing that. Despite those feelings, He recently reminded me that He is faithful........

Sorry this is so long.... :O

Yes, God has a good plan for us. God has shown His love through your response and I am praying that He will continue to reveal Himself and His great love to us at every turn, day by day.

Thank you so much <3

 

[Mayflowe]

I think as we get more into the last days, true Christian partners are going to be harder to find. The wheat will be separated from the chaff as persecution continues. The wolves will be revealed for what they are.

Keep praying for God's will to be done and it may very well include a partner, but continue to seek God as well and run the race!!

Hi Born_Again,

Thank you so much for your response and reflections. What you said makes a lot of sense to me. God's word says that the "love of many will grow cold" and there is not reason to think that this would not include would-be male-female relationships. I noticed movements such as MGTOW and although the Christians may be less affected, I believe there has been a shift in expectations regarding what adult life should and can be. Perhaps as people generally become more sinful and self-orientated, it is more difficult to form and sustain relationships. However, I like your encouragement to maintain a focus on the will of God and endurance as we are only here for a time and the sequel to this life will be so much better. Yes, thank you for those encouraging words.

 

[Mayflowe]

You are not alone. God is good. God is love. Remember those two things when you are in despair. I will pray for you.

Hi LaVieEnEose,

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. It is so true that we need to keep it fastened in our minds that God is good and God is love, no matter what! That is so helpful and appreciate that. Thank you for your prayers also .

 

[Mayflowe]

Idk what to say tbh but I'll pray for you the others have a lot more wise things to share I'm sorry. I do get what you feel though and I don't know anyone who's been married for much time at all, i have ten siblings and only one of them share the same dad with me so i constantly have to remind myself it mught never happen. I can't lie though i wanna get married I was just telling my sister's how I'm gonna have like a trillion kids even though they stress you out you just seem to care so much about them it's crazy what I'd do for my nieces and nephews and i really want my own kids but i have to remind myself that that isn't guaranteed. I think im more scared of divorce though i just don't want to walk into anything i know will end because someone is just being childish, it hurts more too. But i can still work to be more like Jesus and be a better brother and uncle, and if God wills it I'll get a wife and kids and it'll be totally cool but if not I'll just be alone and it'll still be cool it won't end the world, but those feelings always come every now and then. Ugh whatevs I'm done now God bless

Good morning LightBright. I like your name. Thank you for being so thoughtful and for empathising with me. You seem like a humble person: I like what the others have said very much and I like how you have shared your reflections and experiences also. I don't think having many siblings and the circumstances you mention would prevent you from getting married if that is what the Lord has in store. You sound like a nice uncle. I understand you so well regarding how parental divorce can be so off-putting. I used to think that men were "terrible beasts with eight hands" as it says in a film. I saw abuse, assault, fear, neglect and loss (we were kicked out of home by Dad when I was still a minor and we lost all our inheritance to an ambitious lady. We still took him back home after many years). However, lets not allow fear to distract us from whatever God's plan might be. If we trust in the Lord's goodness as LaVieEnRose said, He will direct us to the best mate if that is His plan, and we will be able to survive any challenges knowing that He is with us. I believe God will provide us with what is best for us, that it might be challenging because we are sinful and live in a sinful world, but it will still be what is best. I don't believe in settling for someone who does not appreciate you but with someone who is willing to be kind, giving and invest as you clearly are. Therefore, my prayer for you is for God's best, come what may. Thank you so much for thoughts and fellowship on here once again .

 

[toinena]

I love my life and what God has done and is doing for me. I am preparing to serve Him full time in non-pastoral ministry. God is the best. He is is everything I need. I know and believe this and He has brought everything together for me so far.

I just get a little sad when I see couples and children sometimes. I would like to cuddle one of them. I like children and have been told that I am very nurturing. Children's ministry was the first one I joined when I got baptised in the late 90s because I love them. If I do not avert my eyes, I regularly see people walking with their children and I feel sad in an almost tangible way. It does not go away, I just become distracted... until it resurfaces again. I also feel that it might be too late for me now as younger women seem to be preferred. Then I go back to my beautiful studies and work, the family relationships and friendships I enjoy, the ministry-related projects and I am fine (perhaps even for quite a while) until I realise that nothing has changed and the pain resurfaces again. I feel like I might drown but maybe I should let the emotion come and just mourn (present? general? singleness) so that feeling is processed and alleviated or maybe the situation will change?? I am praying today but I don't want to pray presumptuously for a mate if it wont happen, nor without faith if it will. I believe that God can change my situation or my feelings if/when He wants to. I talk to Him but I find that it does not always help to mention it to other people.... Perhaps I need to focus on praying for God to reveal His will clearly to me so that I can move on with my life freely. Please pray, fellow singles, because it something which jars my heart from time to time.

Why is it always so that we mirror ourselves in other people? The lack in our lives gets worse when we try to compaire ourselves with the people around us. I tried to go to a church that only had young, beautilful families with beautiful, healthy and happy children. I have never felt so miserable in my life. I felt like a failure. I don't normally do that, but seeing them having the life I would so desperately have wanted for myself was really hard. If I try to compare myself with my sister... that is a lost cause. She seemingly has all the success I lack.

But God works in another way. What is great of this world is not always what He intends for us. I find it honorable that you are able to seek Him the way you describe. Patience is a gift from God, and to be at peace with your circumstances can be a difficult exercise to do. I think you are doing great, sister.

If we only live one day at the time, seek the Lord in what we do, rejoice every morning, I am confident we will be on the right path. What He has for us will be better than our understanding. Atleast I try to do that. Somedays are easier than others.

 

[Mayflowe]

Why is it always so that we mirror ourselves in other people? The lack in our lives gets worse when we try to compaire ourselves with the people around us. I tried to go to a church that only had young, beautilful families with beautiful, healthy and happy children. I have never felt so miserable in my life. I felt like a failure. I don't normally do that, but seeing them having the life I would so desperately have wanted for myself was really hard. If I try to compare myself with my sister... that is a lost cause. She seemingly has all the success I lack.

But God works in another way. What is great of this world is not always what He intends for us. I find it honorable that you are able to seek Him the way you describe. Patience is a gift from God, and to be at peace with your circumstances can be a difficult exercise to do. I think you are doing great, sister.

If we only live one day at the time, seek the Lord in what we do, rejoice every morning, I am confident we will be on the right path. What He has for us will be better than our understanding. Atleast I try to do that. Somedays are easier than others.

Hi toinena. Thanks: there was plenty of insight there. I am not sure why. It is a good question. I empathise regarding those lovely families. I have felt similarly also-, almost a sense of shame because it seems like some people just glide together and are able to form a relationship which seems to happen lots among my fellow seminary students who are half my age! Isn't it amazing, how spiritually, you may not want to think or feel that way and might have ideas about how you would rather redefine what is going on internally and be better inside but the emotions are still there despite that? They say that emotions are there to tell us something like the feeling of physical pain when an injury is present so maybe it requires some acknowledgement and tending before moving on??

Thanks for the encouragement! I think you are doing great also, sister. Your love for God is enduring and I can see His graciousness at work in your life. That makes your story sound like one of the successes to me!

Very true: there is so much to be thankful for. It causes so much joy and happiness to well up in my heart, thinking about Jesus and how He demonstrated His love for us and I live another day, week, year, etc. It's true that some days are better than others and maybe we can become too hard on ourselves on the days when factors like circumstances, hurt or satan seems to bring those reminders and find other ways to meet those needs as much as possible. I had just completed a semester at college and was having some down time before going on my placement soon, so I allowed these issues to surface, hoping that they would be dealt with once and for all... I am not sure if that idea has worked... but I have definitely been having blessed conversations with brethren like you.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I feel strengthened. May God bless you exceedingly and abundantly beyond all you may ask or think toinena (Ephesians 3:20).