Qualities to connect

[egeiro]

I've taken my post in Streams and turned in to a thread for further discussion (Thanks zeroturbulence) :

Overtired thinking.

I've been thinking about community settings like my work place and my small church. And I've been thinking about how I relate to people, qualities I see in them, qualities I see in myself, what helps me connect, what things rub me the wrong way, etc.

I've been thinking about the people in my work place that I'm just like, "Eh, I will keep this relationship very professional, with a greater level of distance, I will be nice but I don't think we have any more ground we are bothered to even cover" and the people I work well with and are willing to assist and help.

I think over time, may it be cynicism or maybe just the crueler side of wisdom, but I'm more prone to pick my people. I've found that I will spend my time and energy with people who are more likely to show these qualities:

Drive to connect
Drive to change
Drive to amend
Remorse
Empathy

I know they are really weird attributes, like remorse for instance, but I just find it really weird and scary when people don't feel remorse for what they've done. Not even if its about something they've done to me personally but even another entirely different situation.

I usually find a healthy dose of remorse will drive me to connect, drive me to change or change something or drive me to amend. In some ways, remorse has some place in change and growth. Not that I want to be in deep guilt or shame all the time, but I suppose I think it shows that at some level the moral conscience is ticking and in action.

I also find it weird that people don't have a drive to change things. I used to spend a lot of time talking to women with depression or anxiety at church. At first I spent a lot of time encouraging them, or empathizing with them, or sharing break through stories but I was shocked that on many occasions, a lot of those women didn't do anything to help themselves. Eventually I was just trying to point them to Jesus but nothing was really computing behind their eyes. It took me awhile, but in some sad way I think part of this was true: they liked being the victim and I couldn't do anything about that.

The more I live, the more I realize that there are a lot of people who don't have any drive for better things. And it really weirds me out. I can try and understand the hurt and pain they have gone through to get there, but without the genuine, deep desire for change, their ears seem closed and the drive to connect, to change, to amend seems snuffed out.

Don't get me wrong, I have found a lot of people I grow with and flourish with in a genuine sense of family and community. And they show these qualities. But I think I look for these qualities more often now. I guess I really want to be heard. I want to put my time and energy in to something that can grow.

I don't know.... maybe I am getting more cynical?

My question to you is this:

What qualities do you seem to look for to connect to friends, lovers, church family?
What do you think connection should look like is the light of Jesus command to love one another as Christ has loved us?
How do you choose your limits?

 

[Ugly]

I'm not so sure why the qualities you listed would seem strange. I'd say most people would want those qualities in closer relationships.
I reconnected (non-romantically) with an ex recently. Her son also wanted to reconnect as well. He asked me to play this online game, so I installed it to spend time with him.
I discovered him being mean to another kid in the game. It bothered me, and not being sure anyone else would say anything I gave him an earful. He quickly apologized but I went on anyways to make sure the point was driven home. I wanted him to regret his behavior so he could change and not repeat it.
He can be at least sympathetic (do to certain issues I'm not sure how empathetic he's capable of being but sometimes he seems to show some) and express sadness for bad things happening to people close to him.
He's also quick to apologize when he needs to.

I just covered all 5 of the specifics you mentioned in one person. I could have chosen to keep away from them both (it had been 2 years after all) but he's a good kid with all those qualities.
Without them I may have never gotten close to him to begin with.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I've taken my post in Streams and turned in to a thread for further discussion (Thanks zeroturbulence) :

Overtired thinking.

I've been thinking about community settings like my work place and my small church. And I've been thinking about how I relate to people, qualities I see in them, qualities I see in myself, what helps me connect, what things rub me the wrong way, etc.

I've been thinking about the people in my work place that I'm just like, "Eh, I will keep this relationship very professional, with a greater level of distance, I will be nice but I don't think we have any more ground we are bothered to even cover" and the people I work well with and are willing to assist and help.

I think over time, may it be cynicism or maybe just the crueler side of wisdom, but I'm more prone to pick my people. I've found that I will spend my time and energy with people who are more likely to show these qualities:

Drive to connect
Drive to change
Drive to amend
Remorse
Empathy

I know they are really weird attributes, like remorse for instance, but I just find it really weird and scary when people don't feel remorse for what they've done. Not even if its about something they've done to me personally but even another entirely different situation.

I usually find a healthy dose of remorse will drive me to connect, drive me to change or change something or drive me to amend. In some ways, remorse has some place in change and growth. Not that I want to be in deep guilt or shame all the time, but I suppose I think it shows that at some level the moral conscience is ticking and in action.

I also find it weird that people don't have a drive to change things. I used to spend a lot of time talking to women with depression or anxiety at church. At first I spent a lot of time encouraging them, or empathizing with them, or sharing break through stories but I was shocked that on many occasions, a lot of those women didn't do anything to help themselves. Eventually I was just trying to point them to Jesus but nothing was really computing behind their eyes. It took me awhile, but in some sad way I think part of this was true: they liked being the victim and I couldn't do anything about that.

The more I live, the more I realize that there are a lot of people who don't have any drive for better things. And it really weirds me out. I can try and understand the hurt and pain they have gone through to get there, but without the genuine, deep desire for change, their ears seem closed and the drive to connect, to change, to amend seems snuffed out.

Don't get me wrong, I have found a lot of people I grow with and flourish with in a genuine sense of family and community. And they show these qualities. But I think I look for these qualities more often now. I guess I really want to be heard. I want to put my time and energy in to something that can grow.

I don't know.... maybe I am getting more cynical?

My question to you is this:

What qualities do you seem to look for to connect to friends, lovers, church family?
What do you think connection should look like is the light of Jesus command to love one another as Christ has loved us?
How do you choose your limits?

I agree with your connection qualities. Especially remorse and empathy. Those would be at the top of my list. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of folks who lack those two nowadays. I will add more later...

 

[Jewel5712]

I've taken my post in Streams and turned in to a thread for further discussion (Thanks zeroturbulence) :

Overtired thinking.

I've been thinking about community settings like my work place and my small church. And I've been thinking about how I relate to people, qualities I see in them, qualities I see in myself, what helps me connect, what things rub me the wrong way, etc.

I've been thinking about the people in my work place that I'm just like, "Eh, I will keep this relationship very professional, with a greater level of distance, I will be nice but I don't think we have any more ground we are bothered to even cover" and the people I work well with and are willing to assist and help.

I think over time, may it be cynicism or maybe just the crueler side of wisdom, but I'm more prone to pick my people. I've found that I will spend my time and energy with people who are more likely to show these qualities:

Drive to connect
Drive to change
Drive to amend
Remorse
Empathy

I know they are really weird attributes, like remorse for instance, but I just find it really weird and scary when people don't feel remorse for what they've done. Not even if its about something they've done to me personally but even another entirely different situation.

I usually find a healthy dose of remorse will drive me to connect, drive me to change or change something or drive me to amend. In some ways, remorse has some place in change and growth. Not that I want to be in deep guilt or shame all the time, but I suppose I think it shows that at some level the moral conscience is ticking and in action.

I also find it weird that people don't have a drive to change things. I used to spend a lot of time talking to women with depression or anxiety at church. At first I spent a lot of time encouraging them, or empathizing with them, or sharing break through stories but I was shocked that on many occasions, a lot of those women didn't do anything to help themselves. Eventually I was just trying to point them to Jesus but nothing was really computing behind their eyes. It took me awhile, but in some sad way I think part of this was true: they liked being the victim and I couldn't do anything about that.

The more I live, the more I realize that there are a lot of people who don't have any drive for better things. And it really weirds me out. I can try and understand the hurt and pain they have gone through to get there, but without the genuine, deep desire for change, their ears seem closed and the drive to connect, to change, to amend seems snuffed out.

Don't get me wrong, I have found a lot of people I grow with and flourish with in a genuine sense of family and community. And they show these qualities. But I think I look for these qualities more often now. I guess I really want to be heard. I want to put my time and energy in to something that can grow.

I don't know.... maybe I am getting more cynical?

My question to you is this:

What qualities do you seem to look for to connect to friends, lovers, church family?
What do you think connection should look like is the light of Jesus command to love one another as Christ has loved us?
How do you choose your limits?

Confidence..laughs easily..great sense of humor..talkative..compassionate..drama free..etc

 

[Faith-n-Christ]

Honesty and realness. If I catch a person in a down right lie. they have lost my trust and respect. If repentant and only after proven themselves do I allow them to have my trust and respect back. If a person is a mask and fake. I want nothing to do with them. That being said, it does not mean I will mistreat them or behave badly towards them. I simply just do not invest personal time as I would someone I trust and respect. My children for example, if they lied to me or disobeyed intentional, they lost my trust and privileges that went with my trust. They would have to show me I could trust them again.

I also look at a persons moral character. are they a just person, do they stand up for what is wrong even when no one else does. Do they have lines drawn for themselves they will never cross, like stealing, false accusation of someone, adultery, murder, drugs, ect....

How does the person value themselves. If they have no value in their own person, they could never have any value in another.

what are their priorities? Is money their goal? if a person is not content with who they are and what they have, they will not be content with me or what I have or dont have. I will try to explain. If a person is always trying to get more money, a bigger home, more power at work, a nicer car, fancy clothes, the best gadgets, then how do they treat their "so called" loved ones? I have no problem with a person with money. it is between them and God how they use it. My point is, is their money and gaining more...., more important than the people they claim to care about. What comes first in their life?

how is their walk with the Lord? Now if you don't believe in God or have weaker faith that does not mean I will stay away. But means I will guard my heart around them, so that I will not be changed by their views. Yes, it is possible for a strong Christian to be brought down to another's level if they do not guard their heart. The bible says you are what comes out of you. if you are around a negative person all day all the time, do you not see you becoming more negative? What we surround ourselves with is usually how we become. So I devote more of my time with people that are equally yoked with me spiritually. WE will edify each other, and keep each other accountable.

The people I hold dear to my heart are like me in all the area's I described. Some male some female, and yes some even democrats. our differences are good and welcomed. Some are very feminine, never handling a tool, male and female, and some are outdoorsy like me. I even have a few city stickers as close friends. I look at matters of the heart. All of my friends except a few new ones are very old friends, some I have known since I was a teenager, they were adults back then. When I choose to let someone in the doors of my heart, it is for life. except one.

The bible says to be wise and guard your heart. who you let into your life is very important. you can not change anyone, you can only be an example. therefore who one chooses for edification, love support, everyday connection, is important and should be done with care.

As far as the others, one should live their life the best they can, improving with the Lord's guidance at work, at home, at the store and in church. You may not be friends or on a personal level with someone, but by our actions may plant a good fertile seed. We may inspire changes in another's heart and never know of it. That is why I try to treat others with kindness and respect, I am often misunderstood, and sometimes out right fail. That does not mean I stop trying. My actions may win a soul for the Lord, my actions could also turn a soul more bitter. All we can do is seek the Lord daily and give him our best, if we stumble he is there and forgives us, we learn and move on. On good days even in bad days he can use us. but when we do it his way we are usually more fruitful.

And that is what and how I look and do. Hope it helps