What’s a Dad to Do?

[TamLynn]

You might have missed the point. We have money for the activity. As far as scholarships go, I really don’t think either boy will excel academically. One has a shot at pro. The other semi pro but the point is when they are off the ice the fail to thrive. My wife and I are constantly at odds with their output. When the kids aren’t making excuses, she is. It leads to me being miserable and our home chaotic. The question was if I wasn’t there to be a crutch, would they stand on their own?

Hungry, if you weren't there to 'be a crutch' you'd be doing exactly what the enemy wants you to. Leave your family to fend for themselves, while he continues to steal, kill and destroy each one of you.
Have you ever heard of Ransomed Heart Ministries?
They have excellent resources to guide you in prayer for your wife and children.
As the head of your house (even though it may not feel like you are with all the strife) you have a responsibilty put on the armor of God and fight for your family.
Even though it's hard... Really hard... to stand against the devil's schemes. The battle belongs to the Lord, and He will fight for you!
I'll be praying for breakthrough and victory for you and yours. <3

 

[Angela53510]

Background info:

Married 20 yrs
4 kids, 13 yr old - adult
Middle class

Situation:

When my children were younger everything was fine. There weren’t many expectations so it wasn’t difficult for my children to live up to them. Once they started competitive athletics all went downhill. I came from a poor broken family where we couldn’t do anything expensive. My wife’s family basically lived for the kids. Travel hockey and every weekend in different cities and vacations all the time. They weren’t rich, that’s just how they spent their time. Of course, my wife wanted to award her children all of the same experiences. That would have been ok if it were balanced. I think a cocaine habit would have been more easily managed than my wife’s addiction to children’s activities, cheaper also. Spending countless hours at fields, in arenas and auditoriums may prepare a child for a competitive job market but priorities are lost. They never formed proper habits for everyday life. Things like care for their possessions and chores, or effective study habits were never instilled. I knew the choice at the time was either let it run its course or get a divorce. Our marriage has always been about the kids but now I’m worried about them. They have no fear of consequences because their mom rarely follows through. Every conversation that brings her parenting in to question turns venomous.

The kids just won’t do stuff for themselves. I know I’m to blame partially. I don’t think a divorce earlier on would have improved our situation. I wonder now though if I wasn’t here, would they finally start to mature? It is conflict that makes us stronger but they have been pampered to the point of negligence. I’m really at odds. I never wanted my life to turn out this way but I just hate being here. I don’t think it will be better elsewhere, but I wonder if the kids will learn to walk on their own better if I remove the crutch (me). I never really had a dad growing up and it made me completely independent. I wonder if me being here at this point is hurting them. Answers if you got some would be nice, thanks.

My husband and I went through something similar, with hockey. Two of our boys were incredible athletes. My father was also a pro athlete, I felt it was important to give them an opportunity to excel.

But, our kids were always in church -Sunday School, kids groups and youth groups. The requirement for them to play hockey was to wash and fold their own laundry, along with my figure skating daughter, and my older son who played house hockey and became a marathoner. Our house was spotless, early Saturday morning. Each child did all the dishes for a week in rotation.

I hate to say it, but hockey set the pace for organization, being responsible and having to do chores. Never once did they miss a game or practice, because our kids knew we would ground them if they didn’t do the assigned tasks. Which meant, no hockey.

Both boys played major junior hockey for 5 years. One took his 5 year scholarship and went to university, where he was academic all-Canadian. The other had a girl friend who urged him to turn pro, without consulting us. It would be fair to say she ruined his life. 3 children, no career except coaching low levels of hockey.

Meanwhile, the oldest became an electrical engineer. The second son got his Bachelor of Business Administration, on his hockey scholarship, became a CA, has started his own business, and met his doctor wife in university, who makes a lot of money.

Figure skater put herself through university, with coaching, she is a social worker, also married to a doctor.

So, sports is not the issue. The issue is putting God first in the home, and carrying through on raising children to be responsible adults. You can blame your wife all you want, but half of the responsibility belongs to you. I do hope you can teach your youngest to clean his room, do chores, etc. That is the only way I know to raise an immature child to be a responsible adult.

I’m sorry your wife has left you and is divorcing you. You really needed to put her in her place. Not by abusing her, but simply by setting down the rules, including raising your children to be responsible adults.

 

[Lafftur]

Hello Hungry,

Let go, let God! Who told you the battle is yours? Just do what God tells you to do and just Him to handle all the people (spouse, kids, friends, coworkers, enemies, etc.) in your life.

God HATES divorce. So, that's not an option in your case. Moving on, try to mentally and emotionally enter into your spouse and kids place - what are they going through?

Think. Understand. Pray. Hear instructions from God. Proceed.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Help Hungry to know that even You as a Father have struggles with your children. We focus and get all caught up in what others think of us and peer pressure that we lose track of what's important. God!

The heart of our Father. Help us and forgive us! Heal our hearts and minds. Align us with You, in the Name of Jesus. Amen.

 

[Lafftur]

 

[Hungry]

My husband and I went through something similar, with hockey. Two of our boys were incredible athletes. My father was also a pro athlete, I felt it was important to give them an opportunity to excel.

But, our kids were always in church -Sunday School, kids groups and youth groups. The requirement for them to play hockey was to wash and fold their own laundry, along with my figure skating daughter, and my older son who played house hockey and became a marathoner. Our house was spotless, early Saturday morning. Each child did all the dishes for a week in rotation.

I hate to say it, but hockey set the pace for organization, being responsible and having to do chores. Never once did they miss a game or practice, because our kids knew we would ground them if they didn’t do the assigned tasks. Which meant, no hockey.

Both boys played major junior hockey for 5 years. One took his 5 year scholarship and went to university, where he was academic all-Canadian. The other had a girl friend who urged him to turn pro, without consulting us. It would be fair to say she ruined his life. 3 children, no career except coaching low levels of hockey.

Meanwhile, the oldest became an electrical engineer. The second son got his Bachelor of Business Administration, on his hockey scholarship, became a CA, has started his own business, and met his doctor wife in university, who makes a lot of money.

Figure skater put herself through university, with coaching, she is a social worker, also married to a doctor.

So, sports is not the issue. The issue is putting God first in the home, and carrying through on raising children to be responsible adults. You can blame your wife all you want, but half of the responsibility belongs to you. I do hope you can teach your youngest to clean his room, do chores, etc. That is the only way I know to raise an immature child to be a responsible adult.

I’m sorry your wife has left you and is divorcing you. You really needed to put her in her place. Not by abusing her, but simply by setting down the rules, including raising your children to be responsible adults.

Congratulations on being a great mom. Clearly that is the way to do it! Maybe you missed a few details in a rush to post. My wife has no desire to leave me. She goes into a crippling depression when we have an arguement that lasts more than an hour. Not that she would go to counseling to help her deal with her bottled up issues from youth, but if she did whatever advice he/she gave would be wrong. She’s always right, there is no way she could be wrong. Have you ever tried to correct a narcissist? You can’t win! The best way I could raise my children without completely surrendering them over to her craziness was by staying. It’s not a perfect situation. Sometimes you only get to make the less bad decision. Before we had children that she could use to share in their successes, she was, sweet and charming and funny. I was completely blindsided.

 

[DarthStav]

Background info:

Married 20 yrs
4 kids, 13 yr old - adult
Middle class

Situation:

When my children were younger everything was fine. There weren’t many expectations so it wasn’t difficult for my children to live up to them. Once they started competitive athletics all went downhill. I came from a poor broken family where we couldn’t do anything expensive. My wife’s family basically lived for the kids. Travel hockey and every weekend in different cities and vacations all the time. They weren’t rich, that’s just how they spent their time. Of course, my wife wanted to award her children all of the same experiences. That would have been ok if it were balanced. I think a cocaine habit would have been more easily managed than my wife’s addiction to children’s activities, cheaper also. Spending countless hours at fields, in arenas and auditoriums may prepare a child for a competitive job market but priorities are lost. They never formed proper habits for everyday life. Things like care for their possessions and chores, or effective study habits were never instilled. I knew the choice at the time was either let it run its course or get a divorce. Our marriage has always been about the kids but now I’m worried about them. They have no fear of consequences because their mom rarely follows through. Every conversation that brings her parenting in to question turns venomous.

The kids just won’t do stuff for themselves. I know I’m to blame partially. I don’t think a divorce earlier on would have improved our situation. I wonder now though if I wasn’t here, would they finally start to mature? It is conflict that makes us stronger but they have been pampered to the point of negligence. I’m really at odds. I never wanted my life to turn out this way but I just hate being here. I don’t think it will be better elsewhere, but I wonder if the kids will learn to walk on their own better if I remove the crutch (me). I never really had a dad growing up and it made me completely independent. I wonder if me being here at this point is hurting them. Answers if you got some would be nice, thanks.

I think you'll realized that you don't want to over protect them or micro manage their lives for them. It's a balance, you just need to be there as a provider, protector & mentor, but don't let them become codependent upon you.

 

[Rim]

This is for all husbands, especially those with difficult marriages. I understand what it’s like to try and show backbone as a man when you’re worried every fight throws your wife into a crippling depression, often due to unresolved issues from childhood. The end result of that is just conceding so you avoid the fight, thinking you’re doing what is best for her, ends up slowly turning you into an emasculated man that your wife doesn’t respect. If I may ask, does it get to a point where your wife regularly snaps at you for no real reason and finds little things that are relatively innocent in nature annoying? That’s the biggest sign she had no respect for you.

At the end of the day, the Bible says in Corinthians that Christ is the head of a man, a man is the head of his wife, and the Father is the head of Christ. That chain is critically important, but we’re in a society that swung soooo far from toxic masculinity (men selfishly abusing their God-given authority, AKA not submitting to Christ as their head) to the utter emasculation of men so that women no longer submit to their husbands, who should themselves be submitting to Christ.

Start acting like a man. A godly man. That means, first and foremost, get YOURSELF right with God, if you aren’t already. A wife is NOT a requirement for happiness, joyfulness, and fulfillment in this life. She is the cherry on top that makes it that much sweeter, but when you realize that you can have those three things I mentioned if you are totally dedicated to God, it relieves the fear, worry, and anxiety of losing her and what she means to you.

This EMPOWERS you to stand up and be a man. However, at all times you have to be submitting yourself to Christ. The moment you begin to let your ego influence you instead of Christ, the chain breaks again, this time towards the opposite direction.

I’m not sure if it’s too late with your wife not, but she needs to know that you are done putting up with acts that emasculate you. The Bible says not to be harsh with your wife, but it never says you can’t be strong and firm in what you KNOW is right as provided to you by Christ through your genuine submission to Him. YOU are still her husband, YOU are still their father, and YOU are still the head of your household. Act like it, and if you are sincerely submitting yourself to Christ through all this and it still drives her away from you, that is on HER. However, there’s the chance you might just start being respected again. The other issue is, your wife needs professional help. As her husband, you have every right to, in firm love, tell her that. Don’t chastise her, don’t berate her, but she needs to understand her issues affected the marriage, affect your children, and will continue negatively affecting her life even if she does stil leave you. If she chooses not to get help, that’s on her.

The same applies to your role as your children’s father. They are your children and you are their father. Love them, provide for them, but be firm in your requirements for them. Fathers are called not to exasperate their children, but fathers who do not do everything reasonable to firmly raise godly children are not held in favor. I believe the prophet Eli in the Old Testament is a great example of this. In fact, if I remember correctly, Eli’s negligence with his sons caused God to punish HIM for the sins of his sons. Be the father your children need you to be, and they might also just respect you for it.

But at the end of all this, Hungry, get yourself right with God, if you haven’t already. He has to be your “everything”. He has to be the one thing you absolutely cannot live without. If your wife and children currently occupy that spot as your everything and you can’t imagine a future where you can be joyful, happy, and fulfilled without them (AKA they choose to reject you and God, not you pridefully pushing them away), then that’s the first problem that needs to be fixed. Make Christ/God your EVERYTHING. Then you’ll be empowered to be the godly husband and father God always intended you to be, and you can be free from the fear that they might reject you for it. That’s something they will have to answer to God for one day.

 

[GardenofWeeden]

Just out of curiosity...this has been going on for 20 years, since you've been married for 20 years, so what happened recently to make you suddenly want to leave her? Something had to tip the scales(so-to-speak)?

 

[zeroturbulence]

You might have missed the point. We have money for the activity. As far as scholarships go, I really don’t think either boy will excel academically. One has a shot at pro. The other semi pro but the point is when they are off the ice the fail to thrive. My wife and I are constantly at odds with their output. When the kids aren’t making excuses, she is. It leads to me being miserable and our home chaotic. The question was if I wasn’t there to be a crutch, would they stand on their own?

So it sounds to me like your kids are simply undisciplined, don't want to do things for themselves, and for lack of a better word, spoiled.

There's one way I know to fix that... Have them get jobs.

 

[Hungry]

They have jobs. They are refs. It’s just another excuse not to clean their room or do their homework, “I was working.”

 

[Hungry]

This is for all husbands, especially those with difficult marriages. I understand what it’s like to try and show backbone as a man when you’re worried every fight throws your wife into a crippling depression, often due to unresolved issues from childhood. The end result of that is just conceding so you avoid the fight, thinking you’re doing what is best for her, ends up slowly turning you into an emasculated man that your wife doesn’t respect. If I may ask, does it get to a point where your wife regularly snaps at you for no real reason and finds little things that are relatively innocent in nature annoying? That’s the biggest sign she had no respect for you.

At the end of the day, the Bible says in Corinthians that Christ is the head of a man, a man is the head of his wife, and the Father is the head of Christ. That chain is critically important, but we’re in a society that swung soooo far from toxic masculinity (men selfishly abusing their God-given authority, AKA not submitting to Christ as their head) to the utter emasculation of men so that women no longer submit to their husbands, who should themselves be submitting to Christ.

Start acting like a man. A godly man. That means, first and foremost, get YOURSELF right with God, if you aren’t already. A wife is NOT a requirement for happiness, joyfulness, and fulfillment in this life. She is the cherry on top that makes it that much sweeter, but when you realize that you can have those three things I mentioned if you are totally dedicated to God, it relieves the fear, worry, and anxiety of losing her and what she means to you.

This EMPOWERS you to stand up and be a man. However, at all times you have to be submitting yourself to Christ. The moment you begin to let your ego influence you instead of Christ, the chain breaks again, this time towards the opposite direction.

I’m not sure if it’s too late with your wife not, but she needs to know that you are done putting up with acts that emasculate you. The Bible says not to be harsh with your wife, but it never says you can’t be strong and firm in what you KNOW is right as provided to you by Christ through your genuine submission to Him. YOU are still her husband, YOU are still their father, and YOU are still the head of your household. Act like it, and if you are sincerely submitting yourself to Christ through all this and it still drives her away from you, that is on HER. However, there’s the chance you might just start being respected again. The other issue is, your wife needs professional help. As her husband, you have every right to, in firm love, tell her that. Don’t chastise her, don’t berate her, but she needs to understand her issues affected the marriage, affect your children, and will continue negatively affecting her life even if she does stil leave you. If she chooses not to get help, that’s on her.

The same applies to your role as your children’s father. They are your children and you are their father. Love them, provide for them, but be firm in your requirements for them. Fathers are called not to exasperate their children, but fathers who do not do everything reasonable to firmly raise godly children are not held in favor. I believe the prophet Eli in the Old Testament is a great example of this. In fact, if I remember correctly, Eli’s negligence with his sons caused God to punish HIM for the sins of his sons. Be the father your children need you to be, and they might also just respect you for it.

But at the end of all this, Hungry, get yourself right with God, if you haven’t already. He has to be your “everything”. He has to be the one thing you absolutely cannot live without. If your wife and children currently occupy that spot as your everything and you can’t imagine a future where you can be joyful, happy, and fulfilled without them (AKA they choose to reject you and God, not you pridefully pushing them away), then that’s the first problem that needs to be fixed. Make Christ/God your EVERYTHING. Then you’ll be empowered to be the godly husband and father God always intended you to be, and you can be free from the fear that they might reject you for it. That’s something they will have to answer to God for one day.

Perhaps you didn’t read the thread entirely. That would explain the orientation of your advice. I am great with God. My wife knows, or can sense that I don’t love her. It devistates her, not enough to submit her authority with the children but it cripples her. I know I would be much happier without her, but what is the price of that happiness. The cost of her soul and sanity?...Maybe. The constant fight and negativity the children would suffer through in their (mom and children) relationships without me as the buffer?...Definitely. Every celebration, and wedding, and grandchild’s event vexed with stress? Maybe I am trusting God. Perhaps what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. She used to be a loving, caring, Christ filled woman. Before she was a mother she was great. Admittedly, things could have gone differently if I wasn’t such a people pleaser in my younger years. Perhaps this journey strengthened me into who I am today. I grew tremendously and she did not. Do you suppose I discard her like trash? Would eliminating myself help my children? I don’t think so, or I would have done it. They still hear my words and absorb the wisdom I teach and display. My dissatisfaction in this life has pushed me to the Saviour and hope for the life to come. Many heroes in the Bible had times of testing, perhaps this is mine.