Curious about your thoughts

[AlexaMaria]

So I work with this guy who is friendly enough. I’ve been working with him for almost 2 years now. He is the type that does not understand space. He gets way too close when he talks and he touches me (grabs my arm or shoulder) when talking to me. I hate it very much. I have taken steps back from him while talking just for him to keep stepping closer. I have watched to see how other ladies at the workplace respond to him being too close... and they don’t seem to mind at all. I haven’t seen him touch anyone else though the way he touches when we talks to me. Which I don’t get and hate very much. I don’t want to flat out tell him it makes me uncomfortable because work is hard enough as is and I don’t want to look like the bad guy. It puts me on edge so much... but because he is entirely unaware of his surroundings and people, he doesn’t seem to pick up on my reactions - in how it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like he is driven by demons to just rip my peace from me... and that is what makes me the most angry... is that he does take my peace away because it makes me very tense.

Have you ever dealt with this before?

 

[Magenta]

Unfortunately, yes. Speak up. TELL him to stop touching you. Set a firm boundary, and enforce it if and when necessary. Uncomfortable? Yes. Will you feel like a meanie if he acts offended or does anything other than accept your right to personal space free from his unwanted advances? Possibly. Your peace of mind and sense of dignity will thank you for it, though. It may be a good idea to tell someone in a position of authority first, in case he gets nasty, despite his perceived friendliness. You never know. Whether he is doing it deliberately, or unconsciously, if he is offended by your putting him off, he may try to punish you in some way. Protect yourself.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

So I work with this guy who is friendly enough. I’ve been working with him for almost 2 years now. He is the type that does not understand space. He gets way too close when he talks and he touches me (grabs my arm or shoulder) when talking to me. I hate it very much. I have taken steps back from him while talking just for him to keep stepping closer. I have watched to see how other ladies at the workplace respond to him being too close... and they don’t seem to mind at all. I haven’t seen him touch anyone else though the way he touches when we talks to me. Which I don’t get and hate very much. I don’t want to flat out tell him it makes me uncomfortable because work is hard enough as is and I don’t want to look like the bad guy. It puts me on edge so much... but because he is entirely unaware of his surroundings and people, he doesn’t seem to pick up on my reactions - in how it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like he is driven by demons to just rip my peace from me... and that is what makes me the most angry... is that he does take my peace away because it makes me very tense.

Have you ever dealt with this before?

This isn't demons. That's blowing it way out of proportion. Most people learn to adapt to their society's "personal bubble". The amount of space left between two people in social interaction. Some people are born without the ability to recognize this, or perhaps social cues in general. Autistic people for instance. But some may be otherwise normal, just with a different concept of personal space.
A study was done and found many people in prison for violent crimes actually have Larger bubbles, making it easier to upset them and making them more prone to violence. Because so many people invade their personal space.

And in some cases this is a cultural issue. People from India have much smaller personal bubbles and therefore tend to stand quite close and are unaware of the discomfort it provides others from cultures with bigger personal bubbles.

As for the touching it might have a creepy motive, or perhaps he feels closer to you, even non-romantically, thus making him feel comfortable touching you. It may even be something he isn't aware of. Don't be so quick to assume the intents and motives (or assign demons to) of a person.

Talk to him in a friendly manner, not angrily, not critically. Just share the discomfort his behavior causes in a calm, non-accusatory manner.
Maybe he's had this issue before and felt embarrassed. So no need to start out with accusations.
This false sense that its somehow wrong to be honest and open with people making you uncomfortable is a common misconception among many Christian's. If they perceive you poorly that's on Them, not you. Especially if you approach it with a right attitude.

 

[Demi777]

Whoop him with a paddle

 

[Miri]

Just throw your arms up in the air and
jokingly say something about personal
space invader’s at it again!

Oh and just because others don’t appear to mind. Maybe they do but they don’t say anything for the same reasons you have given! If he can’t keep his hands to himself it’s his problem not yours.

Oh a story for you I was on the bus
a couple of month back on a window seat. A man got on, sat next to me and every time we went around a corner he seemed to keep leaning against me. Don’t know why as the bus was going slow. First time I thought it was just an accident but by the third time I was getting annoyed.

So I calmly said in a loud voice so the entire bus could hear. “Do you have a disability or do you just like leaning and sprawling over women invading their space.”

He went bright red mumbled an apology and sat up straight as a flag pole for the rest of the journey. Lol

 

[AlexaMaria]

This isn't demons. That's blowing it way out of proportion. Most people learn to adapt to their society's "personal bubble". The amount of space left between two people in social interaction. Some people are born without the ability to recognize this, or perhaps social cues in general. Autistic people for instance. But some may be otherwise normal, just with a different concept of personal space.
A study was done and found many people in prison for violent crimes actually have Larger bubbles, making it easier to upset them and making them more prone to violence. Because so many people invade their personal space.

And in some cases this is a cultural issue. People from India have much smaller personal bubbles and therefore tend to stand quite close and are unaware of the discomfort it provides others from cultures with bigger personal bubbles.

As for the touching it might have a creepy motive, or perhaps he feels closer to you, even non-romantically, thus making him feel comfortable touching you. It may even be something he isn't aware of. Don't be so quick to assume the intents and motives (or assign demons to) of a person.

Talk to him in a friendly manner, not angrily, not critically. Just share the discomfort his behavior causes in a calm, non-accusatory manner.
Maybe he's had this issue before and felt embarrassed. So no need to start out with accusations.
This false sense that its somehow wrong to be honest and open with people making you uncomfortable is a common misconception among many Christian's. If they perceive you poorly that's on Them, not you. Especially if you approach it with a right attitude.

Well here’s the thing. Some people at work were going to this festival, they invited me. I said no. He was one of the people invited so when he asked if I was going and I said no he said why? I said because I don’t want to. You should’ve seen the look on his face... he was so disgusted and insulted that I didn’t want to go and that I’d say that. A few days later he brought it up again and when I said I’m just not interested he was like “are you mad at somebody that’s going??? They really want you to go” I’m like oh nope, it’s nothing personal I just don’t want to.

But clearly, he doesn’t respect that I make my own choices. So I highly doubt he will respect me wanting him to stop touching me.

I’ve recently been praying God would get me out of this place (workplace) and so I applied for two other places to work and they both called for an interview. I think God wants me out of there too.

 

[AlexaMaria]

Just throw your arms up in the air and
jokingly say something about personal
space invader’s at it again!

Oh and just because others don’t appear to mind. Maybe they do but they don’t say anything for the same reasons you have given! If he can’t keep his hands to himself it’s his problem not yours.

Oh a story for you I was on the bus
a couple of month back on a window seat. A man got on, sat next to me and every time we went around a corner he seemed to keep leaning against me. Don’t know why as the bus was going slow. First time I thought it was just an accident but by the third time I was getting annoyed.

So I calmly said in a loud voice so the entire bus could hear. “Do you have a disability or do you just like leaning and sprawling over women invading their space.”

He went bright red mumbled an apology and sat up straight as a flag pole for the rest of the journey. Lol

I admire that you can be so bold. People at my job talk about me behind my back and don’t like me because I don’t do things “their way”. So works already been crushing my spirit... I don’t want to add more trouble for myself by telling this large man baby that I don’t like him touching me. I just feel like I’ve been thrown for a huge loop as I didn’t realize there are people that exist that are so unaware of how their actions make others feel. It’s very narcissistic to me. I’m about to get a new job... and I’ll never have to see him again. God willing.

 

[AlexaMaria]

Unfortunately, yes. Speak up. TELL him to stop touching you. Set a firm boundary, and enforce it if and when necessary. Uncomfortable? Yes. Will you feel like a meanie if he acts offended or does anything other than accept your right to personal space free from his unwanted advances? Possibly. Your peace of mind and sense of dignity will thank you for it, though. It may be a good idea to tell someone in a position of authority first, in case he gets nasty, despite his perceived friendliness. You never know. Whether he is doing it deliberately, or unconsciously, if he is offended by your putting him off, he may try to punish you in some way. Protect yourself.

That’s a really good idea to tell someone in a position of authority. I didn’t think about that. I feel like the people in authority really like him though... I’ve had a problem with standing up for myself for a while now. I hate the push back I get when I just ask for space. It makes me feel depressed when people don’t respect my wishes... as I’ve dealt with people not respecting my wishes a lot. I’m going to be leaving this workplace soon.... praying I can just have peace even if he continues to touch me until I leave.

Every time he touches me, while he is talking I pray the whole time “Lord break the arm of the wicked and evil for Your names sake”

 

[Pumpkinspice]

That’s a really good idea to tell someone in a position of authority. I didn’t think about that. I feel like the people in authority really like him though... I’ve had a problem with standing up for myself for a while now. I hate the push back I get when I just ask for space. It makes me feel depressed when people don’t respect my wishes... as I’ve dealt with people not respecting my wishes a lot. I’m going to be leaving this workplace soon.... praying I can just have peace even if he continues to touch me until I leave.

Every time he touches me, while he is talking I pray the whole time “Lord break the arm of the wicked and evil for Your names sake”

amen. it would have been better if he was gay. but that might add to the problem.

 

[AlexaMaria]

amen. it would have been better if he was gay. but that might add to the problem.

Honestly, yeah. Because he’s not gay, and he is desperately searching for a girlfriend it just creeps me out!!! It creeps me out because I’ve experienced men trying to “claim” me before... as if I am their property. It is sick and oppressive. This guy at work did this even when I was in a relationship, which I was for a year while working there. I just think he is gross... having very little respect for women.

 

[Adstar]

So I work with this guy who is friendly enough. I’ve been working with him for almost 2 years now. He is the type that does not understand space. He gets way too close when he talks and he touches me (grabs my arm or shoulder) when talking to me. I hate it very much. I have taken steps back from him while talking just for him to keep stepping closer. I have watched to see how other ladies at the workplace respond to him being too close... and they don’t seem to mind at all. I haven’t seen him touch anyone else though the way he touches when we talks to me. Which I don’t get and hate very much. I don’t want to flat out tell him it makes me uncomfortable because work is hard enough as is and I don’t want to look like the bad guy. It puts me on edge so much... but because he is entirely unaware of his surroundings and people, he doesn’t seem to pick up on my reactions - in how it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like he is driven by demons to just rip my peace from me... and that is what makes me the most angry... is that he does take my peace away because it makes me very tense.

Have you ever dealt with this before?

I would write him a letter..A nice gentle / polite letter explaining things.

I am like you in that i really dislike people coming up to me and grabbing me when they talk to me..

My dad has that very bad habit. He sometimes will come up to me and grab my shoulder,

You can't do much when it is a family member who does it.. grrrrrrr

 

[Pumpkinspice]

my grandma does that. one time she grabbed my leg. i was like : "heey!" lol so funny.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Well here’s the thing. Some people at work were going to this festival, they invited me. I said no. He was one of the people invited so when he asked if I was going and I said no he said why? I said because I don’t want to. You should’ve seen the look on his face... he was so disgusted and insulted that I didn’t want to go and that I’d say that. A few days later he brought it up again and when I said I’m just not interested he was like “are you mad at somebody that’s going??? They really want you to go” I’m like oh nope, it’s nothing personal I just don’t want to.

But clearly, he doesn’t respect that I make my own choices. So I highly doubt he will respect me wanting him to stop touching me.

I’ve recently been praying God would get me out of this place (workplace) and so I applied for two other places to work and they both called for an interview. I think God wants me out of there too.

Any form of unwanted touching, regardless of his intentions, could be viewed as sexual harassment. Most businesses will pounce on that topic for fear of a lawsuit. So as another mentioned informing your boss would be wisest.
Some people just don't respect others choices. But how you respond to people also teaches them how to treat you. If you continually tolerate unwanted behavior you teach that person they can get away with their behavior without fear. This is why speaking up prioritizes politeness.
So keep that in mind in the future with people you meet. It may make your life easier.
Whether you get a new job or he gets put in his place I hope you can get a quick resolution to this problem though. Being confrontational to a co-worker can be difficult.

 

[AlexaMaria]

Any form of unwanted touching, regardless of his intentions, could be viewed as sexual harassment. Most businesses will pounce on that topic for fear of a lawsuit. So as another mentioned informing your boss would be wisest.
Some people just don't respect others choices. But how you respond to people also teaches them how to treat you. If you continually tolerate unwanted behavior you teach that person they can get away with their behavior without fear. This is why speaking up prioritizes politeness.
So keep that in mind in the future with people you meet. It may make your life easier.
Whether you get a new job or he gets put in his place I hope you can get a quick resolution to this problem though. Being confrontational to a co-worker can be difficult.

Yeah, that’s a good point. I’ve tried showing him in every way that I don’t like it - besides flat out telling him. There have been phases where I just gave up and didn’t care if he did because I didn’t know what else to do. But no matter what, I’ve always come back to a place of it really bothering me. I hate that my peace is stolen every time he invades my space.... and I’ve really not wanted to have to tell him or a manager... so sometimes I’ve just fallen back to not caring so much.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Yeah, that’s a good point. I’ve tried showing him in every way that I don’t like it - besides flat out telling him. There have been phases where I just gave up and didn’t care if he did because I didn’t know what else to do. But no matter what, I’ve always come back to a place of it really bothering me. I hate that my peace is stolen every time he invades my space.... and I’ve really not wanted to have to tell him or a manager... so sometimes I’ve just fallen back to not caring so much.

Not communicating clearly and hoping people pick up hints is a common mistake women make. If you want your intentions and wishes to be heard, be clear. Speak up. Don't hope someone will figure out cryptic messages. It so rarely works, especially with men, to drop hints.
And if you're dealing with someone that either is unaware or ignores social conventions they are even more prone to miss those hints.

I once had a job where I had to have face to face interactions with customers. Normally it was fine, but one day I had a man from India (where social behaviors are different) come in and i had to help him.
This man clearly hadn't bathed in days. And he stood Very Close. I wasn't really able to speak up due to him being a customer, so I was trying to put distance between us. He was not catching on.
Even going to the computer to look things up he learned in putting his head inches from mine. Eventually I had to step back and leave my foot in front of me. It felt awkward, and probably looked funny too, but it was the only way I could get a few inches of distance between us.
Hints did not work with this man especially because in India its culturally acceptable to stand so close.
He needed to be told, clearly, as to be aware. But it shows that 10 solid mins of trying to drop hints didn't work with this guy either, and he was just a normal guy with a different cultural standard.

 

[AlexaMaria]

Not communicating clearly and hoping people pick up hints is a common mistake women make. If you want your intentions and wishes to be heard, be clear. Speak up. Don't hope someone will figure out cryptic messages. It so rarely works, especially with men, to drop hints.
And if you're dealing with someone that either is unaware or ignores social conventions they are even more prone to miss those hints.

I once had a job where I had to have face to face interactions with customers. Normally it was fine, but one day I had a man from India (where social behaviors are different) come in and i had to help him.
This man clearly hadn't bathed in days. And he stood Very Close. I wasn't really able to speak up due to him being a customer, so I was trying to put distance between us. He was not catching on.
Even going to the computer to look things up he learned in putting his head inches from mine. Eventually I had to step back and leave my foot in front of me. It felt awkward, and probably looked funny too, but it was the only way I could get a few inches of distance between us.
Hints did not work with this man especially because in India its culturally acceptable to stand so close.
He needed to be told, clearly, as to be aware. But it shows that 10 solid mins of trying to drop hints didn't work with this guy either, and he was just a normal guy with a different cultural standard.

Yeah. You’re right. I should speak up. It’s really uncomfortable to be put in a position like that but I get that I should communicate how it makes me feel or it will keep happening, as you are right... hints aren’t working.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Yeah. You’re right. I should speak up. It’s really uncomfortable to be put in a position like that but I get that I should communicate how it makes me feel or it will keep happening, as you are right... hints aren’t working.

Think of it this way. The temporary disconfomfort of speaking up vs the endless discomfort of not speaking up.
(=

 

[AlexaMaria]

Think of it this way. The temporary disconfomfort of speaking up vs the endless discomfort of not speaking up.
(=

Yeah. You’re definitely right.

 

[Miri]

Years ago there was a man at my place who was very touchy feely.
He had a habit of hugging women with a pouncing kind of sideways action
as if he was trying to squeeze the living daylights out of you.

He tried it with me and I told him exactly what to go do with himself. lol

After a while several other women complained to management who had words with
him.

Alexa I see you are in the US.
I would calmly speak to your managers and point out them that
such behaviour is considered to be sexual harassment and ask them to
speak to him.

Or you could print out some articles from the internet about the definition
of work place sexual harressment and leave them on his desk!

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/oct/16/facts-sexual-harassment-workplace-harvey-weinstein

 

[Pumpkinspice]

There is a song called “he touched me” by Benny Hinn