When Family Attacks

[kaylagrl]

I've had a run in recently with my aunt. (fathers SIL) She is a very outspoken person and known to lose her temper to the post of giving that person a good cussing out. Now she and my uncle just started attending church a year or so ago. She and I became really close just the last few years. But now we've had a serious run in and I'm not sure how to make peace with her without letting her think she can blast me one when she disagrees with me.

The thing is she got involved in another family matter that wasn't her business. Then she told me I was bitter,un-Christian and unforgiving even though she knew nothing about the situation or what was said. She informed me she "knew the Bible too" and sent me verses on forgiving. I was at a total loss and then she called my mother and let slip that she had Googled the Bible verses. Now I've never used the Bible against my uncle and aunt,even though they weren't Christians all these years. Never threw Scripture at them,never made them feel like they were sinners. So I have no idea where this all came from. Then she gets on FB and starts posting things against me,you know how people do,not saying it was me but acting like "I'm mad at someone,guess who?"

All that to say this,how do you make peace with a person that never apologizes and believes they are 100% right. My uncle is afraid of setting her off. She called my father, and said she hasn't slept in three nights and she wants to settle it between us. I blocked her on FB because I didn't see talking was going to solve the issue. I told my hubby I don't want family drama this year and not even a week in and this happens. Now I have my father wanting me to make peace and I'd like to,but I don't see it happening unless I take all the blame and say I was wrong. Any thoughts on how to handle it. Any HELPFUL,not judging thoughts? lol

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I'm not sure why you're surprised by her behavior. She's acting the same way she always has except now she has a new weapon, the bible.

My suggestions are never popular on such matters. But I always disconnect from a person, even family, that can't be dealt with. You may not be able to do so completely, but you can minimize all contact. Also restrict how much you share and say when you must interact.
People not able to take responsibility for their actions rarely change. Yet people will continue to feed them chances to mistreat others in the name of social convention or family. I believe that's wrong and not how either was meant to be.

 

[Blain]

I have to deal with family like that in fact about 70% of my family is like that. It's frustrating when nothing you say or do will get through to them and even when they are wrong in their minds they are right no if's and's or but's and you are the one who is wrong no matter what. Some people simply cannot be reasoned with and the best thing to do in my experience is to shake the dust off my feet and walk away. I agree with sub sometimes distancing yourself is the best way to heal relationships. But honestly from what it sounds like she is the one acting un Christian. using scriptures against you like a weapon and then going around talking bad about you to family and facebook.... I mean that is just not cool there should be a commandment that says thou shalt not gossip.

But if possible just distance yourself from her and the situation in general and focus onthe things of heaven there is a kind of peace that comes with that, but your heart is in the right place and you are doing well in handling the situation

 

[Deror]

I’m so sorry for your trouble, not sure what to say just that I’ve been in a similar position about taking all the blame and backing down to keep the Peace.
May have a better response after thinking for a bit but right now I’d say to you that I’ve learned that it takes 1 person to forgive, but 2 to reconcile. So it take 2, not 1 to be friends again... Seems that posting stuff online like that is a bit passive aggressive but sometimes it’s the way people drop hints to try and cope with it that way. Or to get validation if they think they’re right. Yet imo it’s healthier to talk it out with each other privately, not on Facebook hinting style. I’m not sure there can be peace unless all parties can take their own responsibility for their part in the issue. I’m so sorry, I know what it’s like to be in that position, it sucks it really does... a verse just popped into my head, If at all possible be at peace with all people.. yet not sure what to do if it’s not possible because of the other party... shouldn’t live in fear of setting someone off.. maybe maintain your own spirit of meekness when taking issue with someone’s actions but be humbly bold in your own convictions about it.. not sure, but hope all goes well for you. Have a good night

 

[kaylagrl]

Thanks for the replies and advice. Each one gave advice that is helpful. My issue is that I'm caught between my aunt and my father and his brother. His brother (my uncle) is afraid of his wife and she isn't budging. I responded to her today,after asking my father to proof read what I said to be sure it wasn't offensive. Her response was swift and direct. She feels she is 100% right. She doesn't care that she hurt me,she doesn't care she is hurting her husband and my father. She's dug in and if I give in she has one and she will continue to think she can treat me this way. So as much as I want to put distance between us I don't know that I can. The funny thing is that my uncle talked to my father and said my aunt hadn't slept in 3 nights. But when we talked she said she thought I was "expecting an apology" but she didn't know why. Well she does know why,I told her why I felt hurt. We were really close,never had an upset before. Now she's acting like Im a stranger to her. I don't understand people today and their love of drama. Just beyond me. Thanks again for the advice and listening. It really helps.

 

[Dan58]

She called my father, and said she hasn't slept in three nights and she wants to settle it between us. I blocked her on FB because I didn't see talking was going to solve the issue.

You got me feeling sorry for her .. She hasn't slept in 3 days and just expressed her desire to talk to you in hopes of settling you down, and in response you blocked your poor aunt from Facebook.. Sometimes its best to swallow your pride and not demand an apology from someone who is clueless about committing any offense. Without knowing any details, it sounds like a couple hard-headed women, neither of whom will admit to saying anything wrong. Its not easy with pushy people like your aunt, but I hope you can make the peace.

 

[kaylagrl]

You got me feeling sorry for her .. She hasn't slept in 3 days and just expressed her desire to talk to you in hopes of settling you down, and in response you blocked your poor aunt from Facebook.. Sometimes its best to swallow your pride and not demand an apology from someone who is clueless about committing any offense. Without knowing any details, it sounds like a couple hard-headed women, neither of whom will admit to saying anything wrong. Its not easy with pushy people like your aunt, but I hope you can make the peace.

Ahh no,I had blocked her before that because she was arguing with me and got my uncle on to do the same thing. She'll say something rather nasty and then say "your uncle agrees with me". So I'm just not sure how you make peace with someone like that. She just doesn't seem open to peace,yet she's telling my uncle she is. It's just a mess now with no way out.

 

[mar09]

Kayla,
We do have to deal with some people like her some time in life, and i appreciate the other replies as well. While we're there it really is not a comfortable time, but as Deror said

18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (from Romans 12).

Also, you know the succeeding verse/s: 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I am going thru such a time of waiting on the Lord, not quite sure what to do or say, so mostly keep my mouth shut=). Just wait on the Lord, and I'm sure He has a way out set for you.

 

[kaylagrl]

Kayla,
We do have to deal with some people like her some time in life, and i appreciate the other replies as well. While we're there it really is not a comfortable time, but as Deror said

18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. (from Romans 12).

Also, you know the succeeding verse/s: 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

I am going thru such a time of waiting on the Lord, not quite sure what to do or say, so mostly keep my mouth shut=). Just wait on the Lord, and I'm sure He has a way out set for you.

I really have come to that decision. I can't change her heart or mind. So I've told her let's cool off and come back when we feel better about the situation. She tried to argue again. I simply stood firm and I intend to stick by it. At this time she is not ready to make peace. Maybe sometime in the future. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I've been upset and crying all day. I'm just going to have to lay it down. Nothing I can do.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Boundaries! That's the name of the game with toxic people. Set boundaries. So anyone can participate in my life at their own level because I have these boundaries. I don't have to argue, I don't have to win, I don't have to participate with their toxic behavior. A few words that help;
They aren't here to discuss it so I'm not discussing it.
It's not my business and not yours either.
You have been drinking, call me tomorrow.
I have enough trouble running my own life.
People only get that angry because they think too much of themselves.
You can Google scripture...Google a commentary on those scriptures then we will have coffee.

Do you see what I mean. Crazy makers are only happy when they can make folks crazy. Don't play along. Act as though nothing is wrong, don't demand an apology or anything else. You can train people how to act around you by being a rock. Have boundaries and when they are breeched send the offenders away, or walk away from them.

 

[kaylagrl]

Boundaries! That's the name of the game with toxic people. Set boundaries. So anyone can participate in my life at their own level because I have these boundaries. I don't have to argue, I don't have to win, I don't have to participate with their toxic behavior. A few words that help;
They aren't here to discuss it so I'm not discussing it.
It's not my business and not yours either.
You have been drinking, call me tomorrow.
I have enough trouble running my own life.
People only get that angry because they think too much of themselves.
You can Google scripture...Google a commentary on those scriptures then we will have coffee.

Do you see what I mean. Crazy makers are only happy when they can make folks crazy. Don't play along. Act as though nothing is wrong, don't demand an apology or anything else. You can train people how to act around you by being a rock. Have boundaries and when they are breeched send the offenders away, or walk away from them.

Can I get you to talk to my aunt for me? lol I told her it was between my father and his brother and they would work it out. She is enraged with me and said it was between she and I. I'm not responding. My father called his brother last night and he was calm and ready to make peace. She grabbed the phone and screamed at my father and he tried to calm her down. She said " So I'm the one getting "explicative" on." The thing is she's always in the middle of a fight and mostly of her own creation. There is no way to make peace with a person like that.She has a son and daughter that barely speak to her for this reason. I know she's hurt because I blocked her on FB. But I knew she would attack and I did not want to lash out and say something I couldn't take back. Sigh,I hate drama,I just need to learn to avoid it better.

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

Can I get you to talk to my aunt for me? lol I told her it was between my father and his brother and they would work it out. She is enraged with me and said it was between she and I. I'm not responding. My father called his brother last night and he was calm and ready to make peace. She grabbed the phone and screamed at my father and he tried to calm her down. She said " So I'm the one getting "explicative" on." The thing is she's always in the middle of a fight and mostly of her own creation. There is no way to make peace with a person like that.She has a son and daughter that barely speak to her for this reason. I know she's hurt because I blocked her on FB. But I knew she would attack and I did not want to lash out and say something I couldn't take back. Sigh,I hate drama,I just need to learn to avoid it better.

This sounds about right.

I think the best thing to do at this point is forgive her (which doesn't have to involve her; that can be between just you and God) and limit contact with her as much as you can. I definitely wouldn't initiate any contact from this point, and I would feel no guilt about it either. God saw what happened; you have an Advocate. I say chill and let this battle play out. In the meantime, don't let it take up emotional space in your life.

 

[kaylagrl]

This sounds about right.

I think the best thing to do at this point is forgive her (which doesn't have to involve her; that can be between just you and God) and limit contact with her as much as you can. I definitely wouldn't initiate any contact from this point, and I would feel no guilt about it either. God saw what happened; you have an Advocate. I say chill and let this battle play out. In the meantime, don't let it take up emotional space in your life.

Ugh,the last sentence is my problem. I can not talk to her,I can stay away,but not let it take up "emotional space" is my issue. I just haven't learned that ability yet. I'm the peacemaker in my family usually. I feel it's my "job" in the family.

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

Ugh,the last sentence is my problem. I can not talk to her,I can stay away,but not let it take up "emotional space" is my issue. I just haven't learned that ability yet. I'm the peacemaker in my family usually. I feel it's my "job" in the family.

It's time to go on strike!

I think a good way to not let other people's hurtful actions take up emotional space is to try not to worry about things that God wouldn't have you account for. (See Romans 14:12)

 

[kaylagrl]

It's time to go on strike!

I think a good way to not let other people's hurtful actions take up emotional space is to try not to worry about things that God wouldn't have you account for. (See Romans 14:12)

Thank you sister,that is great advice. I'm going to try and take it to heart.

 

[Nehemiah6]

The thing is she got involved in another family matter that wasn't her business. Then she told me I was bitter, un-Christian and unforgiving even though she knew nothing about the situation or what was said.

So here's the crux of the matter: (1) aunt not minding her own business (which translates into being a busybody) and (2) making wild accusations against you without any foundation (which means bearing false witness).

Since you have (a) your father, (b) your husband, (c) her husband, and (d) possibly your mother or some other relative all involved in this squabble, you have a serious mess on your hands.

Sitting down for a pow-wow and smoking the proverbial peace peace won't work. It will degenerate into "he said/she said" and everyone will be mad at everyone else, and nothing will be resolved.

However, you can write a frank and detailed letter to your aunt directly, and lay out everything before her (as you see it). No accusations, just the facts. At the end of the letter you can ask her to (1) apologize to you personally, and (2) inform all the relatives involved that she was at fault, and that she is sorry for creating a family disturbance. Let her know that you want peace, but not at the price of falsehood.

Keep a copy of your letter, and see how she responds. If there is no apology, move on and leave her be.

 

[Blik]

All you can do is live your own life, you can't live the life of your Aunt or do anything to make her over into someone who isn't her. What God asks you to do is accept her as she is and love her anyway.

That means you will have to let her think you are wrong and be OK with it, freely allow her to think so. The other thing you must do is accept yourself as belonging to God, not to her. Allow yourself to keep the thoughts and position you have taken without negative emotion about it. When she tries to change you, just smile, give her a love, and let it go but stand confident and firm. You need God, not your Aunt.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

How did church go? You said she goes to your church correct?

 

[kaylagrl]

How did church go? You said she goes to your church correct?

If I said that I mis-spoke. No,luckily she doesn't live near me,in another country in fact. The issue is that she has hunkered down and is demanding an apology. She has my uncle afraid to contact my father. So my father is grieving over it. I know if I give her an apology she will run riot over me if anything comes up again.

The thing is I knew she had this side and have always been able to avoid it. She always had wonderful things to say about me and I about her. We were rather close and when she came to visit I always made sure she had a wonderful time. Hubby and I took her all over the state showing her special places,shopping,special restaurants. But when she turns on a person there is just no way to talk sense with her. She went behind my back to another family member (my sister) who knew nothing and tried to involve her and her husband. Now she doesn't even like my sister and hates her husband with a passion. I warned my sister that it was best she stay out of it. If there were any way I could make peace now I would. But I know if I do she'll do it again at the drop of a hat. I hate drama but it always seems to find me. I don't get it.

 

[kaylagrl]

So here's the crux of the matter: (1) aunt not minding her own business (which translates into being a busybody) and (2) making wild accusations against you without any foundation (which means bearing false witness).

Since you have (a) your father, (b) your husband, (c) her husband, and (d) possibly your mother or some other relative all involved in this squabble, you have a serious mess on your hands.

Sitting down for a pow-wow and smoking the proverbial peace peace won't work. It will degenerate into "he said/she said" and everyone will be mad at everyone else, and nothing will be resolved.

However, you can write a frank and detailed letter to your aunt directly, and lay out everything before her (as you see it). No accusations, just the facts. At the end of the letter you can ask her to (1) apologize to you personally, and (2) inform all the relatives involved that she was at fault, and that she is sorry for creating a family disturbance. Let her know that you want peace, but not at the price of falsehood.

Keep a copy of your letter, and see how she responds. If there is no apology, move on and leave her be.

Yes,I did email her trying to explain the situation. It only angered her more. She got on the phone and screamed at my parents till they just went silent and let her talk herself out. She wants an apology. I can't give it to her or she'll run over me as she has done with everyone else. She's now posting on FB about how much of a victim she is and how her "true" family loves her. Yet she's told me she's giving everything she owns to me when she dies because her daughter will just sell it. She has a daughter and son that never call her,never do anything for her and are ungrateful (according to her). But suddenly she loves them dearly. I feel like Im dealing with a high-schooler. smh Frustrating.