When Dating a Single Parent, Who Is Expected to Pay?

[seoulsearch]

Hey everyone,

I was just curious as to how people felt about who should pay on dates involving children and/or how the topic should be addressed.

I work with several single parents, and most I know prefer to see someone for several months without involving their children until it looks as if the situation has turned into a stable and committed relationship.

Assuming that future dates will also include inviting the kids, who is expected to pay if:

1. One person has children but the other does not--does the person without kids offer to pay half for everyone or pay for their date and their date's children? Will the person without kids be seen as evil if he or she only pays for him or herself? Is gender a factor? (Does it depend on who asked for the date? Should the man offer to pay for everyone, no matter what, even if he does not have kids? Or, if the woman does not have kids like myself, do I offer to pay for everyone?)

2. How about if: one person has, let's say, one child... and the other person has four--again, who pays, and how much, and does it depend on who asked for the date or gender roles? (For example, is a man expected to pay for a woman and any children involved, both his and hers?)

I know there has been much discussion here in the past over who pays for dates, but I'm not sure if these kinds of questions have been brought up (sorry if I'm repeating any recent questions in other threads... I try to keep up but generally am only able to make quick scans of the Singles Forum due to time constraints.)

Most people already know my story regarding this particular topic--I dated a man with two young children for three years several years ago--and wound up paying for everything. I am hoping to avoid that scenario again if I should ever date another parent.

AND, I am most certainly NOT saying in ANY way that all single parents are like this--I had an unfortunate experience and made a few bad choices of my own.

I'm just wondering what better ways could be taken to approach future situations such as this, if they should present themselves.

I'd really appreciate any and all feedback, even from those who don't have kids or have never dated anyone with kids--thoughts, experiences, or "Well, I haven't experienced this yet but if I did, this is what I think I'd do" comments are always welcome.

 

[Thomas60]

I'm about to head home, but i'll make a quick judgement.
If one is in a position where generousity costs little, then the question is of little consequence

I would say it is the result of negotiation or percieved justice which can be derived from other questions.
-Who is asking who out
-If joint-What role is the other fulfilling (is a contribution to the dating experience as a whole being provided, e.g. pay today, i'll cook tomorrow)
-Is the other in a position to contribute (e.g. if your dating someone with alot of responsibilities and not alot of cash, why is an costly date being arranged if not for anothers generousity)

...in answer
I don't know, but think of socially equable questions, the nature of the relationship and the reasons for a particular activity and step-by-step judgements of fairness or purpose could come easier
~hope my 2 cents help

 

[xJoe]

Honestly speaking you should not pay for his children.
Whose children are they? Whose responsibility are they? I mean if its something cheap then whatever but something expensive? no. You do not belong to someone until you are married. Until then why should you pretend? And hes the man! What man lets a woman pay for himself and his children? He should be able to handle himself and you for yourself.
Expenses should honestly be paid 50/50 between a man and a woman dating.
If someone has kids it should not be 50/50 they should pay for there kids. If they think its rude then they need to grow up. Your not a babysitter!
There's always exceptions to matters but generally speaking a man should be able to provide for the children he has. If he insists or just lets someone else pay for him and his kids what a shame. I would not even be able to look at someone if they kept paying for me knowing I should be. how rotten.
Money and Love don't mix. So pretend he's your friend i would say.
Each his own.
thats what I think

 

[grace]

Hmm...well, X-Joe...I would have no problem with that, if the guy I were to date would fully understand that we would probably rarely to never get to go do anything that would have a cost involved.

I am not materialistic by any stretch of the imagination...but I am a single parent of three children and our finances are stretched very thin. Sooooo, since my children and I cannot go and do things that cost much, then how can all of a sudden I have money materialize out of nowhere just because I find myself in a relationship? Not bound to happen.

If he were ok with that, then I would be too.

I would be one of those parents Kim was talking about that would not let her children involved into the relationship until many, many months into it.

Dating is a time where you truly find out what the other person is made of. If I were to all of a sudden get involved with someone who has a fancy government job, making good money, and he is used to going to movies, and restuarants, and sporting events and other things that all have a cost tied to them, and I am not in a position to do so and he held to the standard that we should pay our own ways then the relationship would not last long at all.

I can see how a relationship may start out that way where you both pay your own way etc...but at some point things definitely begin to transition as you become more serious. Where is that point? Does he not pay for your dinner for the first time until on the honeymoon? Does she not foot the bill for the popcorn and sodas at the movies until after they are married? Make sense? Two totally different lifestyles have to merge at some point. I guess a couple with good communication will sort that out for what is right for their individual relationship as it goes along.

(I also want to point out that as a single mom with three really super kids, that I would find it hard to never be able to contribute financially to things we went and did. He would have to be quite patient with me as I adjusted to that if that was the sort of relationship we found ourselves in.)

(just some of my thoughts.)

 

[xJoe]

I agree there would be some exceptions to the cause as you would not be able to afford some things the other would. That all comes into consideration. But my main point is that one person ruling all the expenses is not a smart move. She said she wound up paying for everything, is that right? At the least the cost of the kids should be split and not just the woman paying for it all. And if he really can't pay for it I would think less expensive activity's. I always tend to go more for each person as his own because people are so easily taken advantage of. I've had it happen to me and such and my opinion would always tend to be that way. At least the way until you know the person more to make good judgment.

 

[NukePooch]

My honest reaction is that I don't have a clue. Gender comes into play a bit here...I think they guy should have more tendencies to pay if he's dating a single mom, while the woman shouldn't have to if dating a single father... But, I don't think there's one 'catch-all' answer. What is the single parents makes waay more money than the date? What if the date makes waay more than the single parent? I don't believe there can be one good answer...but rather it should be on a case-by-case basis.

Then again, why not have the kids pay? Almost every teenager I've ever met has more pocket money than I do...

 

[grace]

LOL Nuke! I'll get back to you on that when my kids are teenagers.....that is if I have any dates to test that theory with.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I always offer to pay, and usually my date insists on paying for herself, but I don't mind paying because I want her to feel that I want to take care of her and her child. I date a woman with a young daughter before and she did bring her along and I didn't mind at all. Kids usually eat for a lot less money than the adults meals, but she insisted on paying for herself and her daughter so I let her.

 

[NukePooch]

Not to hijack the thread, but that is one HUGE drum set, Zero... Whose is it? Terry Bozzio?

 

[zeroturbulence]

Not to hijack the thread, but that is one HUGE drum set, Zero... Whose is it? Terry Bozzio?

haha no its nobody's. its a display by pearl drums. i have a pearl set but its about 1/100th that size.

 

[NukePooch]

haha no its nobody's. its a display by pearl drums. i have a pearl set but its about 1/100th that size.

Sweet...I once dabbled...had an electronic set (lived in an apartment), and bass, two guitars, etc...now I'm back down to no musical instruments of any kind. I like things simple.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Sweet...I once dabbled...had an electronic set (lived in an apartment), and bass, two guitars, etc...now I'm back down to no musical instruments of any kind. I like things simple.

cool! I also have a small electric set. I could never play guitar. I tried once and I couldn't get my fingers to bend right all at the same time lol.

 

[seoulsearch]

LOL!!! I am gathering ideas for a possible future thread... "What Is the Proper Amount of Time to Spend Listening to a Date Play on His Huge Drum Set? (Or Electric Guitars, etc.)"

Anyway... I was just thinking that even if, let's say, a couple wants to go to a movie and all they do is go to McDonald's--using my situation as an example--even at a fast food place, the cost per person is $5-$8 (Happy Meals,, if the kids are young, and salads, if the adults are health-conscious, are not cheap, even at supposedly cheap restaurants.) So, even with the most modest cost estimate, that would be somewhere around $25 for two adults and two kids.

And then, if you wanted to go to a movie, and let's say it's a matinee... the cost (at least around here) is about $6 per person--so at least another $24.

Let's also not forget the cost of gas, which around here, is somewhere around $3.10 a gallon. I'm guessing it would cost at least $10-$20 in gas to pick everyone up, go where you want to go, and then drop everyone off... Unless, of course, you are dating your next-door neighbor, live across from McDonald's, and have a theater right down the street from your house.

That's a lot of money for say, 3 hours, especially if you do so every weekend or even every other weekend--and this would be considered a "cheap" date.

NO WONDER WE'RE ALL SINGLE--NONE OF US CAN AFFORD TO DATE!!! (Unless, according to NukePooch, we start making friends with a lot of teenagers and get them to give us money.)

 

[grace]

Well Kim, as single parent or not.....the true point of being with someone in a dating situation is because you enjoy their company, are atracted to them, and want to make more memories with them to prayerfully have a future together. Correct?

Soooooo, if that is the case, then I do not see why not go to the store and buy a couple loaves of inexpensive bread and go on a nice walk down by the waterfront and feed the ducks. Or, pack a picnic lunch up in a backpack and find a nice place to go for a day hike. Make dinner at one of your homes and rent a Redbox (@ only a $1 its worth it), or make sinner at home and play scrabble or learn a new card game together.

There are lots of things you can do that do not cost much at all if you are just creative. As I said earlier...the true reason your with someone is to have fun and to make memories, who's to say that the making of those memories has to always involve spending a ton of money.

 

[seoulsearch]

I totally agree with you, Grace. It's a wonderful idea and I've utilized some of these ideas myself in the past. Sandwiches and rented movies are awesome!

But, I just also like to be cautious about spending time at someone's home--if I were going to have a date like this, I would try to make it during the day and not at night, because if the kids are put to bed and the adults are left alone, it can be awkward, uncomfortable, or lead to regrettable situations.

I may sound paranoid, but it's all from past mistakes!! (And of course, this is especially true if there are no kids involved or if the kids are gone, etc. Several years ago I was in a dating service and my first match suggesting spending time alone at one or our places of residence, with everyone else gone... I immediately declined.)

Public places are expensive but can also be the best way to avoid compromising situations.

 

[grace]

I totally understand, and agree with you. I guess those sorts of days/evenings would be doable when clear boundries have been set through that good comunication I as speaking of before.
Bottom line is, if a couple were wanting to *cross the line*...it can be done in many scenerios, not just at night in the privacy of ones home.

I guess I was just throwing this out there, that if two people were to find themselves wanting to be in a relationship but there was little to no money to go out on dates...well, I find that a lame excuse. Your desire to pursue a relationship with another should not be bound by money.

 

[zeroturbulence]

LOL!!! I am gathering ideas for a possible future thread... "What Is the Proper Amount of Time to Spend Listening to a Date Play on His Huge Drum Set? (Or Electric Guitars, etc.)"

Anyway... I was just thinking that even if, let's say, a couple wants to go to a movie and all they do is go to McDonald's--using my situation as an example--even at a fast food place, the cost per person is $5-$8 (Happy Meals,, if the kids are young, and salads, if the adults are health-conscious, are not cheap, even at supposedly cheap restaurants.) So, even with the most modest cost estimate, that would be somewhere around $25 for two adults and two kids.

And then, if you wanted to go to a movie, and let's say it's a matinee... the cost (at least around here) is about $6 per person--so at least another $24.

Let's also not forget the cost of gas, which around here, is somewhere around $3.10 a gallon. I'm guessing it would cost at least $10-$20 in gas to pick everyone up, go where you want to go, and then drop everyone off... Unless, of course, you are dating your next-door neighbor, live across from McDonald's, and have a theater right down the street from your house.

That's a lot of money for say, 3 hours, especially if you do so every weekend or even every other weekend--and this would be considered a "cheap" date.

NO WONDER WE'RE ALL SINGLE--NONE OF US CAN AFFORD TO DATE!!! (Unless, according to NukePooch, we start making friends with a lot of teenagers and get them to give us money.)

If I am dating someone that means I am considering that person and her offspring as possible lifetime commitments that I will be responsible for caring for and supporting so if I can afford it I will pay no matter how much it is as long she doesn't insist on going to expensive places. Of course its not something I could afford to do very often but I wouldn't date anyone who didn't already know that I'm not rich.

 

[grace]

Two of the most memorable dates I have ever had very little money invested in them.

First: A guy started coming to my small group through church, on his third time there he asked me out. He acctually called me on the day to tell me he would be late to to a meeting that had went over and then traffic from traveling two hours back. When he got to my house, he asked if I minded if we stopped to get gas first as he did not want to be any later picking me up so he did not get it first.
When we got to the gas station and he went to get his wallet out of his suit jacket, it was not there....he was a bit panicked. (understandably). After a phone call to the conference center where his meeting had been, he found out that was where he left his wallet. Soooo, no money and no credit cards.
I offered to pay, but he would not hear of it. In the console of his car, he found about $18 and change. So, he said, that if it was ok with me, that he would try to turn and embaressing/awkward situation into something fun.

He put a few dollars in gas, and then we went and ate of the dollar menu at Taco Bell, and then we went to a driving range and hit golf balls. To date, that was the most fun I ever had on a date!

Second: I had been dating this guy for a while, and we were well on our way to being pretty serious. He had the day off, and my car needed the oil changed in it, so he offered to do it for me, and traded cars with me that day. When I got off work and got home, I saw my car there, so I figured he was in my house.
When I went inside, there were candles lit all over the place, and he had a very romantic indoor picnic set up for us on the living room floor. It was quite romantic! I loved so much that he planned this out, and tried to come up with something unique. I totally did not care that we did not go out to a fancy rest. or go to some big event.

 

[grace]

If I am dating someone that means I am considering that person and her offspring as possible lifetime commitments that I will be responsible for caring for and supporting so if I can afford it I will pay no matter how much it is as long she doesn't insist on going to expensive places. Of course its not something I could afford to do very often but I wouldn't date anyone who didn't already know that I'm not rich.

Zero, that is a very encouraging attitude. That is the way it should be.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Zero, that is a very encouraging attitude. That is the way it should be.

Thank you Grace! By the way its nice seeing you here. I remember you from chat a while ago.