Hey can a fellow Christian help me?

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Callie_Wallie

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#1
Hey everyone! I was wondering if I could get some advice from fellow Christians & see what they think about my situation. I know I have sinned in dating a non Christian man, but I hope that you can still have compassion on me & read my story. Please forgive me, it's kind of long so I apologize. Oh & I just turned 30 & he is 28. I was dating a non Christian man for about a year. Things were great in the beginning & he respected that I was Christian. But the more I talked about God the more he didn't want to hear it. We began fighting mid way in our relationship. He lived an hour away from me & I wanted to get close to him because every time I would leave his apartment I would have to take an hour long bus ride home & then I got attached too easily too fast & a month into our relationship instead of missing him & wanting to take an hour long bus ride home we both decided that I could stay with him for awhile. So I lived with him in his apartment for about 5 months, he went to Japan for 2 weeks and I stayed in his bedroom most of the time (he shared an apartment with his sister & her two kids) & then I would always fight with him over the phone when he was in Japan about how dirty the apartment was (cat poop everywhere, poop in the toilet because it didn't flush, moldy dishes, not being able to do laundry because his sister always was doing laundry, not being able to use restroom or take a shower when I wanted to) & on top of that I have OCD which made it worse because I freak out with germs (not so bad now because I've been taking better care of myself, but it was really bad about a year ago) And so we kept fighting all the time. Then I had to come back & live at my apartment because there was a flea infestation at his apartment. So I took my cat & came back home (my mom was watching my dog for me so I took him home with me too) So then he could only see me on Wednesdays sometimes and on the weekends because he works all week. Well we kept fighting when he came & visited me & I take full responsibility because it's all my fault. When he came & visited me I would get in fights with him because I would be freaking out about germs or making him sanitize with Purell, I would be crying because I didn't have time to do anything because he was here for only the weekend & it was hard getting shopping, cooking, doing dishes, laundry, & going to do something fun during the day like going to the park it was so overwhelming to get all this done in the 2 days he was here (I don't drive so he drove me to get grocery pick up & stuff) plus I was sleep deprived it's hard for me to sleep at night so on top of getting everything done in 2 days I would have no sleep. So when he came & visited me on the weekends I would sleep all day most weekends & he would be by himself or I would get no sleep at all & try to get things done only to have no energy & I wouldn't be very fun to be around. I feel so bad making him drive an hour here every weekend only for me to be sleeping or taking my OCD & mental illness out on him, he didn't deserve that. He kept saying that he would break up with me if I didn't change & that I needed to wake up because he loves me but he's almost done with me & he means it. Well I didn't listen to him & finally in January he broke up with me. He said he missed his family & friends, he was tired of me taking up all his time that he needed time with his family & friends, he wanted to find out why he was so crazy he wanted to go to a therapist, he didn't wanna drive for an hour here each weekend only for me to be fighting with him, he wanted to spend his weekends doing fun things that he wanted to do like play Kendama with his friends. He didn't hang out with his friends that much anymore because the weekends were for me because that's the only time I could see him (but I told him this very early on in our relationship I was worried about taking up all his time on the weekends how is he going to manage his friends plus a girlfriend & he said he would make it work) & I told him to go hang out with his friends & play Kendama, he said that I didnt really mean it when I said that so he didn't go hang out with them. A few times he went to Kendama jams with his friends though, I cheered him on & said that's great I'm glad he had a good time. I asked if we didn't fight each weekend would you still miss your friends and want to give them time on the weekends? He said yes & I even said that he should give his friends time he could see me one weekend & his friends on the next weekend he could see me two weekends a month & he said no he wanted to spend his time with me. He went from saying he would rather spend time with me, to saying he missed his friends & family & need to spend time with them, that I was taking up all of his time. Well when he broke up with me, before that he said we could go on a 2 week break. Then it changed to "I only told you that because I didn't want to hurt you, I was never going to go on a break with you" so he was never going to go on a break with me he was only going to break up with me. He admitted to leading me on & apologized for it. I acted out in my flesh out of desperation because I still wanted him in my life, so I asked if he wanted to be friends with benefits with me once a month, he said he was still attracted to me & he agreed. The last time I saw him was on January 19 when he brought down my birth control he wanted to be intimate with me & we were kissing but I said I couldn't because it was that time of the month so we never had sexual relations that night. I was crying the whole night & the next day. He kept telling me to calm down. He said he would come see me in a month & to be strong. He said he still loves me & gave me a kiss goodbye. The same night he texted me Goodnight girl with a heart. Four days later I didn't hear anything from him I messaged him & he said sorry he's been busy with his family. Then I message him in Febuary asking when will he come & see me again he said he didn't know & that he could talk to me in a few weeks or more than a few weeks but he will talk to me when he's ready. Then a month later he hasn't said anything & I grew impatient, so I message him on Facebook & told him I got him some gifts for Valentines day & told him not to worry because I bought my other friend & family Valentine's day gifts too so I only wanted to give him his gifts as a friend, I sent him pictures of the gifts I got him but he didn't respond. I messaged him on Instagram asking where he was? He finally responded back saying "It's over." We got into a conversation but he basically said that the friends with benefits is over that sex would just end up hurting us both. He told me that if I want to be his friend then to give him space & time to heal & time to move on from me. I ask how long will that take & he said he didn't know, but a month is not enough time for us to be healed, he said I was not over him yet & he told me to move on. I brought up dating another guy, even though a month prior to that he said "Don't do that.... let's just give our friends with benefits arrangement a chance to work first" even after saying that, I brought up dating & now he says "I tried. I'm sorry." He doesn't care now if I date other people, he didn't even give our friends with benefits a chance (even though it was wrong for me to ask, having sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin) He said he still wanted me in his life & he still wants to be friends with me but he doesn't know when, that he needs time to heal. He also said he was crying when we were fighting about this, & I said why cry? you don't love me anymore you have ovbiously moved on from me. He said he was crying because he felt bad for doing this to me, he said he was crying because at the end of the day he will be okay but that I won't be okay. I know I really messed up & I'm the reason why he broke up with me, but if he truly loved & cared about me, wouldn't he have given us a 3 month break so that I could take better care of myself & change, instead of breaking up with me forever? Wouldn't he care if I were to date another guy? He doesn't care if I get another boyfriend like at all. It's like all his feelings for me are gone. Do you think there's a chance that we can get back together? He said he will always love me but he can't be what I want in a boyfriend. His emotions change like the wind, he says one thing & then says another, so that's why I was thinking that maybe it's not set in stone, maybe after he's had a lot of time away from me he will want to reach out & atleast be my friend? He said he couldn't come down anymore because it will hurt him to continue a friends with benefits arrangment with me. But is it possible for a guy to be friends with his ex or will he always have feelings for me? Do you think after he heals from me that he will be friends with me again or is that something that guys say to make girls feel better? He is friends with one of his ex girlfriends, so why wouldn't he be friends with me in the future?
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#2
Here is the rest of my post: Do you think it would be okay to try & reach out to him in 6-7 months? We got in a fight about how he broke his promises & he said that I broke my promises too & he said he didn't wanna block me but he will if I didn't give him time & space, I told him he might as well block me that he didn't love me anymore, & so he blocked me on facebook & instagram. He didn't reply to my text messages either. I haven't seen him in over 2 months. He also said something that confused me, he said "Someday I'll explain myself to you. But I can't right now." What does this mean? He already explained why he broke up with me, what else is there to explain?

Even though he wasn't a Christian like me, I miss him like crazy. Even though he was an Athiest, he was not like the other jerks I dated who were abusive to me. He was kind, sweet, & a gentleman to me, we had a lot of fun together & he made me laugh & smile. He even told his friends how much we have in common & that I was an awesome girl. All that has changed now. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. It makes me cry how he doesn't love me anymore. He said one time that he was sad that I didn't love him anymore, but now I am sad that he doesn't love me anymore, he was the one who ended it. He went from saying I was the nicest girl he's ever met, to saying I was evil & calling me names. I'm so heartbroken. Why can't he think of the good times that we had like how we laughed & played Kendama & we were kind & sweet to one another & we went for drives to the snowy mountains & we went to the movies & had an amazing time at the state fair playing games, riding the rollercoaster & eating fairfood, how he held my hand when we were together & hugged me & how we went to look at the Christmas lights, why can't he remember all of the good times instead of the not so good times? He said he wil always remember how I taught him to take better care of himself by doing his laundry more & buying more clothes for himself & going grocery shopping. He said he wasn't happy a lot he threatened suicide a lot when we were fighting. He always thought he was fat & ugly. I would tell him he was handsome all the time I was his biggest cheerleader I tried to make him feel better about himself. I truly believe that we loved eachother. We sent eachother cute texts all the time, we would hug & kiss & say how much we missed eachother, it wasn't all just fighting. But all he can think about is the fighting he won't think about the good memories we've had =(

I've done everything I can. I've emailed him & gave him a heartfelt apology. I told him I was sorry about everything, I took ownership of how it was my fault the relationship ended & that I was so sorry & I should of treated him with more respect. I told him I was bettering my life & getting my OCD under control, that I was getting closer to God & going back to church, that I was exercising everyday, I told him I was sorry for starting fights with him, I told him that I was sorry for depending on him for everything & for depending on him for my happiness, I told him I wish I had another chance to make it right because I'm different now I've really been trying to find happiness & be a better person, I told him I know that he probably won't get back together with me but when he is ready can he give me a chance to be his friend? I said I know that if we were to hang out as friends I would not cause any fights with him at all that I would be in a good mood & we could go hang out at the park for awhile & then he could go home after that, I have learned my lesson in not starting fights because it led to him breaking up with me, so I would be on my best behavior if we were to hang out as friends. I said I still want him in my life even if we are just friends, I can't imagine never seeing him ever again. It brings me to tears. How can someone who loved me, who I thought I would marry, do this to me? He saw me cry, he saw me have panic attacks, but he still broke my heart. I understand that he was tired of me saying "I'll change" & then I ended up yelling at him or sleeping all day, I understand that it's my fault he left. But he also said that even if we didn't fight or anything every weekend, he would still miss hanging out with his friends & that could of caused a break up too, he said he needs to be around his family & friends again. One of the last things he said to me was that we can be friends someday but not right now, that he doesn't know when we can be friends but he needed time to heal from me & he told me to move on. There's no way I can talk to him because he blocked me on facebook & instagram. What do I do now? All I can do is wait, he won't talk to me or email me back.... my heart is broken. I know that if a man wants to talk to you, he will. If a man wants to be with you, he will. If a man wants to make things work, he will. That you shouldn't have to beg a man because he will chase after your own heart if he wanted to. But it's so tormenting because I love him, if I didn't love him I wouldn't care if he broke up with me I wouldn't care about talking to him again. But he is all I ever think about, I beg God all the time for him to talk to me, I just wanna be his friend, it doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship, I just wanna spend time with him. I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to make it right again because I messed up.

Please if you can give me any advice I would really appreciate it, I'm so sad. I don't want to live the rest of my life without him...
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#3
Honestly I stopped at "cat poop everywhere, poop in the toilet because it didn't flush, moldy dishes, not being able to do laundry because his sister always was doing laundry, not being able to use restroom or take a shower when I wanted to..."

I stopped there for two reasons. First, such a large chunk of text with no paragraph breaks is what is known as a "wall of text" and is quite tedious to read. Second, I had already decided to advise you ditch this guy. Everything I had read until then, from the arguments to the unsanitary conditions to... just everything, all of it was unhealthy in so many ways.

Objecting to all that stuff is not evidence of you having OCD. Let him go and be grateful.
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#4
Why do you have to be so rude about it? It was a chunk of a sentence because I couldn't start a new paragraph because of the limited space.

Well I have contamination OCD, it has been getting better though. But I think I need someone to read my whole story & then give me advice. Thanks anyway.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#5
I feel so bad making him drive an hour here every weekend only for me to be sleeping or taking my OCD & mental illness out on him, he didn't deserve that. He kept saying that he would break up with me if I didn't change & that I needed to wake up because he loves me but he's almost done with me & he means it.
If that's what he said then you should get rid of him. A man who really loves you would never say that he's almost done with you and threaten to leave you if you don't change.
 
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Callie_Wallie

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#6
So he didn't love me? Well he said that "you can love someone but not want to be with them." I also told him that I can't be without him when he was here that one night & he said "Even if we ever break up you can go on living your life without me"
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#7
That was at least one thing he said that was accurate. Life, it do keep going on.

And about the wall-of-text, really it wasn't me being rude. It was a helpful hint. Few people will bother to slog through a wall-of-text. But sure, you're free to keep posting them if you want.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#8
So he didn't love me? Well he said that "you can love someone but not want to be with them." I also told him that I can't be without him when he was here that one night & he said "Even if we ever break up you can go on living your life without me"
A person who says things like that does not truly care about you. They only care about what makes them happy. I'm sorry to tell you this. :(
 
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Callie_Wallie

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#9
A person who says things like that does not truly care about you. They only care about what makes them happy. I'm sorry to tell you this. :(
Yes I think I really believe this :( because if he truly loved me he wouldn't of left me even if he couldn't stand the fighting he would of atleast given us a break right? His love for me turned to hate?
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#10
That was at least one thing he said that was accurate. Life, it do keep going on.

And about the wall-of-text, really it wasn't me being rude. It was a helpful hint. Few people will bother to slog through a wall-of-text. But sure, you're free to keep posting them if you want.
Oh thank you Lynx, please forgive me for thinking that you were being rude when you weren't, I'm sorry friend. God bless you.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
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#11
Sounds like you have bigger issues than this guy. Let him go and get some people (mentors, counselors, solid friends who you want to be like) to help guide you sorting your own issues out. Because most of your story reads like a train wreck in progress and like someone who does things she knows are wrong but doesn't care what the consequences are.

Best advice is probably to temporarily remove yourself from the dating realm until you can reapproach it with a solid sense of your own value and worth. Oh and friends with benefits will never get you a proper healthy relationship, be glad this guy is decent enough to have called it off instead of continuing to just use you for sex.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#12
Personally I think you dodged a bullet. Imagine if y'all had married and you were stuck in situations like that for the rest of your life!

Have a bowl of ice cream to celebrate your freedom from a downright squalid future, then find a better guy. Or don't find a better guy... people live alone all the time and survive and even find they can be happy. But definitely have a bowl of ice cream and celebrate getting out of that situation.

I recommend mint-chocolate, but banana-nut is good too.
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#13
Sounds like you have bigger issues than this guy. Let him go and get some people (mentors, counselors, solid friends who you want to be like) to help guide you sorting your own issues out. Because most of your story reads like a train wreck in progress and like someone who does things she knows are wrong but doesn't care what the consequences are.

Best advice is probably to temporarily remove yourself from the dating realm until you can reapproach it with a solid sense of your own value and worth. Oh and friends with benefits will never get you a proper healthy relationship, be glad this guy is decent enough to have called it off instead of continuing to just use you for sex.
What do you mean issues? I have stated that I'm getting my OCD under control & going back to Church. have you not read this part? I am also not going to have sexual relations out of marriage, & have repented like I said for sex out of marriage. It seems you are very quick to judge me.

Yes, I know friends with benefits is not good that's why I said I sinned if you would of read my story.
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#14
Personally I think you dodged a bullet. Imagine if y'all had married and you were stuck in situations like that for the rest of your life!

Have a bowl of ice cream to celebrate your freedom from a downright squalid future, then find a better guy. Or don't find a better guy... people live alone all the time and survive and even find they can be happy. But definitely have a bowl of ice cream and celebrate getting out of that situation.

I recommend mint-chocolate, but banana-nut is good too.
That is true, but I just miss him. I thought I was going to marry him & spend the rest of my life with him. But I guess he means more to me then I to him :(

Yes I live alone & my pets keep me happy, but my heart still gets lonely. All my life I wanted a man to worship God with & read the bible with but I guess I will have to go to church alone.

I've been eating icecream so much lol I just had a chocolate vegan Haagan daaz icecream bar.
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#15
To fellow commenters, please don't tell me that I have issues - I know that I messed up in my relationship I know it is my fault & I know I have sinned for having sex outside of marriage but I have repented & plan to live according to God. Please don't judge me or if you don't have anything encouraging to say please don't comment to me. My heart can't take it. Thank you
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#16
Yes I think I really believe this :( because if he truly loved me he wouldn't of left me even if he couldn't stand the fighting he would of atleast given us a break right? His love for me turned to hate?
Not hate, but he was much more concerned with his own happiness than with yours. Sometimes a person can be attached to someone without deeply caring about that person. That kind of person only likes you when everything's going well and doesn't like you if you can't be what they want you to be or if you can't do what they want. Stay away from people like that. A truly caring man will understand what you're going through and try to help you, not threaten to leave.
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#17
Not hate, but he was much more concerned with his own happiness than with yours. Sometimes a person can be attached to someone without deeply caring about that person. That kind of person only likes you when everything's going well and doesn't like you if you can't be what they want you to be or if you can't do what they want. Stay away from people like that. A truly caring man will understand what you're going through and try to help you, not threaten to leave.
So that's why he ended it instead of having us go on a break? He didn't love me enough to give me another chance?

He said he will always love me before he broke up with me.

Well he said he couldn't be my boyfriend because he couldn't be who I wanted him to be. I don't know what that means. I guess because he got tired of me depending on him? He couldn't help me anymore? He said he wanted to have a fresh start & be single. He would be mean to me when I asked for rides to get grocery pick up (& half the food I bought was for him) he would be mean when I asked for rides to places & told me "I'm not your chauffeur I don't wanna be driving you around all day I have things to do also" or I think what he said along those lines of some sort.

He told me that he put up with me for a year & he couldn't take the fighting anymore. So someone who truly cares about you will stick with you even when you guys are fighting, they will separate & give eachother space to work things out but not break up with them forever?
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#18
He said he would always love you before he broke up with you... is a self-contradicting statement.

If you're going to argue with everybody who says something you don't automatically agree with, you're never going to see any perspective but your own. Only when you LISTEN to what people are saying will you see different perspectives.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#19
So that's why he ended it instead of having us go on a break? He didn't love me enough to give me another chance?

He said he will always love me before he broke up with me.

Well he said he couldn't be my boyfriend because he couldn't be who I wanted him to be. I don't know what that means. I guess because he got tired of me depending on him? He couldn't help me anymore? He said he wanted to have a fresh start & be single. He would be mean to me when I asked for rides to get grocery pick up (& half the food I bought was for him) he would be mean when I asked for rides to places & told me "I'm not your chauffeur I don't wanna be driving you around all day I have things to do also" or I think what he said along those lines of some sort.

He told me that he put up with me for a year & he couldn't take the fighting anymore. So someone who truly cares about you will stick with you even when you guys are fighting, they will separate & give eachother space to work things out but not break up with them forever?
I'm sorry you had to go through that. But yes, you got that last part right. The first part you wrote shows that he really didn't feel a deep love for you. It was just superficial (shallow).
 
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Callie_Wallie

Guest
#20
He said he would always love you before he broke up with you... is a self-contradicting statement.

If you're going to argue with everybody who says something you don't automatically agree with, you're never going to see any perspective but your own. Only when you LISTEN to what people are saying will you see different perspectives.
Yes he said he would love me forever even if he broke up with me he will always love me.

I was wondering that too, how can you love someone & then break up with them? But he said "You can love someone but not be with them"

I understand, but that person up there offended me when they said "I have more issues than that guy" I don't feel like I need to be judged when I have admitted to it being my fault. Like did you not read what I said? I feel like I'm being ignored on here. Maybe I should go somewhere else. You don't have to be rude & say I have issues when I am saying I realize the sins I have comittted.
 
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