just need to talk to someone

[scripps0]

Well things are just all mixed up right now. About a month and a half i have been cutting myself. We are a foster family and have three kids (AGES 2,3,and 5). Next weekend they will be living with us forever and i'm really exited, but i still have a feeling to want to cut.

Last wednesday, I woke up around midnight and every thing had a stange golden shimmer that i have never seen before. Now i know this was not a dream, but since then i don't want to cut as much. But i still feel somewhat depressed and want to be alone.

 

[scripps0]

forgot to mention my parents don't know, no adult i know knows about this. Just a few of trusted friends.

 

[xspinningisfun]

SCRIPPS. My heart goes out to you!!!!
I used to cut...and no one, to this day, knows. I have scars on my legs (i don't wear shorts or capris), scars on my stomach, shoulders, everywhere. And you know what? I haven't cut in so long. No one has ever known that I have cut but I actually used to self-mutilate myself maybe 5 times a day just because the pain that I had inside was too much to bear.

But then I got this amazing idea. I don't need to bleed ANYMORE. Why? Because Jesus already bled for us. He's already taken the pain, he's already set us free. Jesus doesn't want you to cut. One day, I remember sitting on the bathroom floor late one night. It was after everyone went to bed and I had a horrible day, so I went into the bathroom, sat on the floor, and cried. I grabbed one of my razors and started cutting. All of a sudden, I saw an imagine of Jesus sitting next to me. He was squatting next to me and hugging me as tight as possible. And I saw Him crying. It was such a powerful image that I just dropped the razor and cried and cried. I still had that image in my mind. Jesus was there in that bathroom with me. He didn't want me to cut and he was crying because I was.

You are jewel to our Heavenly Father. He sees you as PERFECT. He loves you even with your imperfections. Jesus already bled for you, He did. You no longer need to make yourself bleed. Take care<3

 

[scripps0]

spinning, i never thought of that. i'm a person who rarely cries. last tear i remember was when i was just so angry and started cutting. Reading ur reply got me a little teary there. i don't even know what to say

 

[Ashkuhn]

I'm sitting here crying spinning. You are so right. My sister used to do that.. I never knew what to do for her, especially before I got to know God. This just hits really close to home..

Scripps, stay strong honey. I will be praying for you.. Spinning is right.. God sees us all as perfect and loves us no matter what. We all love you, too. I do anyway. If you need anything or just to talk about something that is going on in your life, you can always message me. I know some people don't like to talk, but the invitation is always open. It might be easier to get it off your chest by just having someone listen than to hurt yourself. Keep strong.. Everything we have to endure in this life will pay off when we reach heaven. Don't forget that!

 

[4Him]

Beautiful girl, I will lift you up in prayer! Please remember when you want to cut that is what Satan wants you to do, he continues to throw it in your face b/c it works - when you feel the urge you verbally say "Get Behind Me Satan, My God is Bigger than this and has already won this battle". You are a beautiful blood bought child of Christ and the plans He has for you, He WILL see them through. I'm here for you and I feel very led to pray for you. Listen to the song Cut by Plumb - really listen to the words.

 

[xspinningisfun]

"Scream" by Zoegirl is ALSO a very good song!

"Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream"

 

[scripps0]

I"ve been listening to those songs nonstop, those are great songs.

Today, i just had a feeling of sadness and now i just fell angry again and I want to just make a big cut on my arm. Is this normal to come up after haveing stopped cutting for a week? I thought i was fine now i'm truely afraid of what will happen.

 

[xspinningisfun]

I mean, people wouldn't call it "normal" because they don't really understand.
Me, use to being a cutter and stuff, it's normal to do this. But you shouldn't. Satan's going to tempt you to cut. He knows that's a coping strategy for you. But it's a very unhealthy one! God made you and your body, and I know that when i cut, I was ruining my body. I know how hard it is. "I hurt and I need to release this pain someway, somehow." Jesus loves you. I know, I know. You hear it all the time. But him dying on the cross, that was his love to you. Instead of you bleeding, He bled.

Remember, you are NEVER alone. When you feel alone, think of Jesus. When he died upon that cross, EVERYONE ABANDONED HIM. Think of how LONELY and how REJECTED he must have felt. Even God had to look away from Jesus, because God cannot look upon sin. Jesus, a sinless man, carrying ALL our sins on his shoulders. And when God turned away from Jesus, Jesus knew that He was alone. But He knew he had to die for us. It was the ONLY way. Just a few days before, He cried out to God asking if there was another way to save us besides dying. But then he said, "It's not about my will, but Your will be done." And he knew that this is what he was supposed to do.

He loves you. When he climbed up that hill with that cross, HE SAW YOU. His heart broke when he saw you dwelling in sadness and thoughts of hurting yourself. He hates it. He wants you to feel that you are loved, because you ARE.

Talk to me whenever you feel like talking. I will always respond to your emails!!!

 

[puritygirl19]

i understand i 2 used to do that 2 not that long ago ethier and no one knows about it still except a couple of close friends etheir it was hard but i'll be praying 4 u as well

 

[walkinthespirit]

Lord bless these young women, Father thank YOU for sending others that know what they are going thru. Lord I send up these prayers to YOU, that You would send YOUR angels to minister, guide and war for them! Send the mighty angels of the LORD!! release them now Father! Father cover these young women and all those who hurt themselves in YOUR precious blood JESUS, and put the full armor of God upon them, equip them to fight the darkness LORD, Lord we know You love them, and want only the best for them, and yes JESUS does cry with you, bless them Father, I stand in the gap, and I declare in the name of JESUS' that NO weapon formed against them shall prosper! WE love you JESUS and give You all the honor, praise, and glory! IN JEsus name amen!

 

[xspinningisfun]

I'm sitting here crying spinning. You are so right. My sister used to do that.. I never knew what to do for her, especially before I got to know God. This just hits really close to home..

That must have hurt greatly. I think that's part of the reason I never told anyone...and because I'll be labeled as "emo" or just plain crazy! But to this day, no one knows. But I think my mom SUSPECTED it...because I cut my leg and it was SO deep. Like I needed stitches and it didn't stop bleeding for a few days and I was too scared to tell anyone. And I was wearing pajama bottoms and it was bleeding and got on my pajama bottoms and my mom saw it. I obviously lied. My parents and family, they honetly really don't care about me. But I think I've accepted that fact. I get ignored when I cry and stuff...it hurts, but that's how it's always been!

 

[scripps0]

I just want to let everyone know that i finally talk to my parents about cutting. they were very understanding and very sad, but overall it went well. i want to thank everyone for their support and i will always remember you all!

 

[xspinningisfun]

Scripps, I am so glad you felt safe enough to come and talk with me. I will always be here! I love talking to you!!!

Love to you!

 

[maye]

it is march 11 and i just read your post. i will be praying for you! this is so sad but i understand your pain! also it sounds like the memeber xspinningisfun has great advice! since i have never cut i can't relate totally but she really seems to understand. God Bless you and her!

 

[Ashkuhn]

I'm so glad you had the courage to talk to your parents. That is such a huge step! You have come a long way. I am still praying for you and hopefully everything is going better for you babe! <3 you.

 

[unfolding_wings]

I am glad to hear that you worked up the courage to tell your parents. I have been struggling with self-injury for three years now, but have not cut for a month and a half. I know that God has been helping me through my life, and He will continue to be with me for all eternity.

If you ever need to talk to someone about self-injury or any other issues, please know that I am here and willing to listen.

 

[goth4god]

I used to cut. It never got really bad but it really tore me up inside. I havent cut for a while now, but i still get the urges. I never got the courage to talk to me parents about it and idk if i ever will, so i applaud you sripps for talking to them about it! it was a really brave thing to do, cuz it is hard to admit when you hurt. when i cut it was a really dark time for me, i even saw a demon in my room, it was pretty darn scary!
I thank God for saving me and helping me to stop cutting, but like i said i sill get the urges.
once i found this song i would listen to it every night before i went to bed to help me remember that i didnt need to cut.

Artist: Demon Hunter lyrics
Album: Storm The Gates Of Hell
Bitter thoughts became your every waking breath
Save the nights your hollow dreams revealed the sweet release of death
In your thoughts you played a symphony of self
But your soul had bled a darker song of close to nothing left

Oh, The deliverance of blade and flame, your love
And greater is the blood

Chorus:
You&#8217;ll find it in the veil of night where solitude is born
In the emptiness of broken flesh, at the mercy of the thorns
You&#8217;ll find it in the veil of night where solitude is born
In the emptiness of broken flesh, at the mercy of the thorns

Every line a path into an empty heart
Where the words of now forgotten love fall silent in the dark

Oh, The deliverance of blade and flame, your love
And greater is the blood

(Chorus)

Sister, don&#8217;t you sleep through your own eulogy
Don&#8217;t sever what you are for what you couldn&#8217;t be

(Chorus)
[ Thorns Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

 

[goth4god]

also something that helped me when i wanted to cut was to draw a cross on my wrist. that was my preferred place to cut, and when i drew a cross there is would remind me that God is with me and He feels my pain and i dont need to cut.
since then i got a cross tattoo on my left wrist to give me a permanent reminder that God is always with me, even when i hate myself and feel alone.

 

[unfolding_wings]

Drawing a cross is a really good idea! Maybe I should try that. My preferred place to cut is my sides near my hips, but lately my left arm has looked pretty tempting. I think I'll draw a cross on myself right now, actually. Thank you so much for sharing that!