8 year difference

[Rissa77]

I'm going through a tough time after this.. here's the situation.. (names have been changed for privacy)

I volunteer at a teen outreach center that called the Regenerate Cafe. I've been involved for about 4 years. Only over the past year has the cafe become more of a church. The core group has gotten really close and I love every one of them. For the past 3 years, a woman named Laura has been the leader. She is 26. During the past year and a half, one of the kids, David, has risen to be her right-hand man and leader over the guys. He is 18. Over this period of time, when I do not know, they grew an attraction to each other and started dating. The two, like many people at the Cafe, are touchy people, and so certain things that would be considered flirty to others is not to us. So when they started flirting in public I didn't think anything of it. They apparently did it on purpose so that those who are close to us and who suspected something could ask and know the truth, and the two wouldn't have to declare to the crowds that they were dating.

Being ignorant of all of this, I didn't know they were dating until one night I caught Laura and David kissing. My first thought went to the worst and I stood there dumbfounded, only being able to say why and what. Laura said, "I didn't promise to save my first kiss like you, Rissa." Understanding that I was ignorant, David made a scene of it, asking everyone there (it was after closing, so only close friends remained) what he and Laura were doing, and they all knew the two were dating.

Then I left, speechless. I have not returned. I can't even get myself to talk to them. Eight year difference?! The boy hasn't even finished high school! Maybe it's because I know both of them so well that I can't get myself to accept it. I'm disgusted.

I don't know.. I'm writing because I'm confused. They are my only church family. I have no church to go to besides there, no place I fit, unless I go 3 hours north to Memphis every week. I want to justify the situation, but I just can't...

 

[xJoe]

obviously shes desperate. There seems to be no spiritual aspect in any of this.

 

[SonOfAdam]

Me and my ex have about 13 years difference. She is 19 now.
We were engaged for over 2 years.
Most people did not have a problem with the age gap.

 

[KisDawn]

A lot of the time people who are always there for us become the person we want to be with. 8 years isn't a too much especially since he's 18. Perhaps it's the reaction your more upset about because Laura didn't come to you to tell you and you feel a bit betrayed?

 

[iraasuup]

I know a couple who married and he is 11 years younger than her.

My husband is 6.5 years older than me.

It's not as uncommon as you think.

I think you're right, maybe it's because you know them both so well, and you were the last to find out, that you're so overwhelmed by it.

Why don't you talk to them about it?

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Im not sure why your this upset over the whole thing? Did you like this guy?

18 year old guy, 26 year old woman. Thats ridiculous. He is far to young, hes just a teenage kid. 18 year old guys are punks. Christian or not there immature.

 

[malkia]

we do not avoid our friends and going to church when they have done something wrong to "us", we talk to them of what we think is not right and let them decide whats best for them......our friends just as we are are not perfect.....please talk to them,help them grow as best as you can and keep going to that church.

 

[xJoe]

Im not sure why your this upset over the whole thing? Did you like this guy?

18 year old guy, 26 year old woman. Thats ridiculous. He is far to young, hes just a teenage kid. 18 year old guys are punks. Christian or not there immature.

Exactly. The year difference has NOTHING to do with this. It's the fact she should be a mature adult women dating a kid in highschool.
Desperate.

 

[KisDawn]

Im not sure why your this upset over the whole thing? Did you like this guy?

18 year old guy, 26 year old woman. Thats ridiculous. He is far to young, hes just a teenage kid. 18 year old guys are punks. Christian or not there immature.

Some are some aren't it really depends on the person. That goes from when you are 1 to 100.

Exactly. The year difference has NOTHING to do with this. It's the fact she should be a mature adult women dating a kid in highschool.
Desperate.

So if she was 18 and he was 26 would that change your views on things? Being mature and someones chronological age have very little to do with each other, also 18 isn't a kid. At 18 you can go to war and fight for your country and die so if you're expected to have the mental ability to do that at 18 how is that a kid?

 

[angelos]

Why is the 8 year difference bad? and define mature adult woman. It doesn't have anything to do with desperate and secondly by legal standards he is an adult he just hasn't received his diploma. Also an 18 year old is not immature because they are 18 years old. They are immature because they have not grown up regardless of the age. Often times what considers maturity is also an opinion of what said person qualifies as maturity. I have no idea why you consider this to be wrong. Would you consider it to be wrong if the genders were reversed?

 

[dmdave17]

Guys,

I think we should remember the context in which this situation is happening. "Laura" and "David" both appear to be dedicated servants of the Lord who are committed to the ministry of the teen outreach center. And, if I can be "worldly" for a moment, studies have proven that a woman's sex drive lasts significantly longer than a man's. Therefore, an awkward situation at this age can turn out to be a blessing when the couple reaches middle age, and beyond.

What I see that troubles me about this relationship is the way they have kept it a semi-secret. That would indicate to me that at least one of them agrees that it is not completely right. Also, because "Laura" never promised to hold her first kiss. it seems that David was not given a chance to make this decision for himself. As has been pointed out, a guy of 18 may not be mature enough to resist the allure of an "older woman".

My concern would be how this relationship ultimately affects the ministry, especially if it escalates beyond "kissing". For impressionable teens to find out that this type of "stuff" was going on behind the scenes might be devastating to their budding faith, which might be too fragile to take the hit. So, in my opinion, this situation shows a lack of good judgment if nothing else. If they are going to continue to "date", at least one of them needs to leave the ministry.

 

[Rissa77]

No, I did not like this guy. I consider him too young for me, and I'm 21. He acts like an 18 year old and that's all there is to it. Their maturity level is just so different. Spiritually, I would say she leads him, and that I don't agree with either. That can get us women in trouble. If Laura were 18 and David 26, the maturity level would still be drastically different.

I am hurt. I wish I had known. There are only about 9 core group that are true regulars and we do lessons and prayer together. I would have figured in one of those meetings, the subject would have come up. I can understand the semi-secrecy to a point. There are a lot of young urban kids who would make a big deal of it. Then rumors would fly. But there are already rumors of her being a flirtatious cradle robber. I always defended her when I heard such because it wasn't true. As for them going beyond kissing, I don't think they will. Even as an unsaved person, Laura never went beyond kissing.

To the one who suggested it, how am I supposed to go to this church and sit under Laura and David? Laura is my leader, my pastor in many senses. David said he saw me as a fellow leader in the group and we share responsibilities. Since I don't agree with the relationship, how am I to sit under it? It's not like a normal congregation. We're all like best friends who get together to talk about our relationship with God, pray together, and minister to each other. Issues aren't easily swept under the rug.

 

[xJoe]

Confront her. A man should be a spiritual leader should he not? It's your job to do something Rissa not just sit back. Tell her your mind then hold you peace. Atleast that way you can say you tried.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Rissa,

If you feel like she is your pastor, then you should pull her aside and talk to her. Explain the problem your having with her relationship with this younger guy.

 

[angelos]

bear in mind though that this confrontation you would be having would not be based on scripture. It would be based on assumptions and your feelings.

 

[xJoe]

yes it would. Spiritual levels are the most important aspects of dating. What is a leader doing with a beginner?
I am active in my church and I help out a lot. Should i go for the new converts? Go for the people who have been saved but don't do a single thing?
Wrong. I should go for someone who is around my spiritual level for a good relationship. Not someone drastically higher or lower then myself. God doesn't want us to be held back

 

[angelos]

yes it would. Spiritual levels are the most important aspects of dating. What is a leader doing with a beginner?
I am active in my church and I help out a lot. Should i go for the new converts? Go for the people who have been saved but don't do a single thing?
Wrong. I should go for someone who is around my spiritual level for a good relationship. Not someone drastically higher or lower then myself. God doesn't want us to be held back

and my point is that it is purely speculative she doesn't know the level that either of them are at it's a speculation that is not founded by anything. And why not? Just because they don't do "a lot" doesn't mean they aren't saved and also a companion is to sharped one another as iron sharped iron so does a spouse sharped their other.

 

[Liamson]

Hmm....

Based on your description of events. I would agree with you however, I have only ever dated one woman who was younger than me. When I was 19 I dated someone who was 25.

I highly doubt he is doing it for the same reasons though. I was doing it because 18-20 year old girls were very silly where I was living.

Also another variable that I am curious about is whether or not he is independent. Like if he is living with his parents and going to high school, this relationship is just silly. If he is in the Air Force or living on his own, ie being an adult I have no real issue with it.

 

[Rissa77]

Liamson,

He does live at home.. with terrible parents. He will be moving out in June for good to live in the the new church building the Cafe is getting. Then he will be going to the same college I currently am at. :/

 

[trust_in_the_name]

Lots of judgment and stereotyping going on here, about a subject that scripture never addresses or speaks to. Scripture is very clear, we are not to pass judgment on people for matters of conscience where the scriptures are silent. By setting yourself up as judge you're causing your brothers and sisters to stumble because of your personal opinions.

If I know that a brother or sister is sinning, that he is for example lying, or stealing, or lusting, or teaching false doctrine, or some other sin that we know is against the word of God, I would not hesitate to offer him correction from scripture. But when it comes to our opinions, why do we feel the need to exert control over other people's lives and relationships? Maybe next you are going to enforce your opinions about which foods they are allowed to eat, or on which day they have to observe the sabbath.